Summertime... And the Living is...

It just is.

Over a month. Yeah. I have sucked as a blogger, here. Again. I think about things I want to talk about, think that they aren't worth talking about and I don't. Or I figure that I am so nattery on Facebook why bother or whatever. But what the fuck? This is my blog. I'll write what I want, when I want.

Duh!

That was kind of liberating.

Speaking of which...

I got on the scale at a doctor's office last week and:

 

 Yeah, I know. What I didn't know, because I was too chicken shit to get on my scale was just how much... 

I am back up to 371.

Needless to say, I am madder than a wet hen at myself. I am doing something about it. Hence having been at a doctor's. More deets to come, as things progress. What I will say is I am back on track eating better. I am going to get back out walking next week. This shit has got to stop. It is going to stop. I am not getting any younger and I can't expect to keep dodging a bullet as far as my health is concerned, forever. Especially with my frightening family history!

We are still in the condo. I don't understand William's malfunction. I mean, seriously. He doesn't even seem interested in house hunting. Not even interested. WHY????????????????? I am so. Fucking. Over this place. Over it like a cat is over a bath. Over it. I am sick of opening my windows to enjoy the cool evening breeze and getting a face full of my neighbor's cigarette smoke. I am sick of not being able to sleep with an open bedroom window for the same reason. I am tired of being cramped into this small place. I need more room. I want one level. I would like all hard surface floors. We had the broadloom shampooed which has made this place more pleasant and a lot cleaner but still...

Broadloom is disgusting. And I am over it, too. 

Bitch, bitch, bitch. 

But seriously. I can't figure the hubbs out. I just can't. Why is he so in love with staying here? I mention hunting and he rolls his head, gets that muleish look, changes the subject. I am sick of his bullshit. Really. Sick of it. I am ready to throw something at his head. Something heavy and covered in spikes. 

With my luck I'd miss. I throw like a girl. 

Not an athletic girl. A wimpy, weak armed, mall crawler girl. 

So, Topmax. Or the generic,Topiramate. My cheap-ass insurance. It likes generic. Same shit, Whatever. Anywhoozle, it worked great for a couple of weeks. I only had a couple of auras and minimal, Cat. 1-2 pain. Now, not so much. But it helps me sleep which is good, my sleep rhythms go to hell in the Summer, for some reason and I sleep like shit, this time of year, and I don't want to stop taking it until I see my doc, again so I keep on, hoping it will magically start working, again. Ha! Fat chance. Migraines blow. They suck ass.

I can't wait until next Saturday. I have an appointment to have my hair done. I have roots out to here and my fringe needs trimmed.

Something Pretty... Something Ugly

This weekend was busy and I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. But I did, indeed get on my scale on Saturday and snapped a pic of the number.

But first, I want to show off my pretty, pretty flowers. William's and my 23rd wedding Anniversary was on the ninth and William had a bouquet of huge, pink stargazer lilies delivered to me here at the house. What a surprise!

Aren't they gorgeous?!? I love stargazers and these are really lovely specimens. 

Okay, as I said, earlier, I did, indeed get on my scale.

And I have to tell ya, folks. It wasn't pretty.

Up three. I can blame some of it on puff. But not all of it. My idiocy is to blame. And that bitch Frost Princess. Seeing that number threw a scare into me and I tossed Frost Princess into her tower room, threw all of her nasty junk food in with her, slammed and locked the door and put my Dragon on guard in the corridor. That little sneak isn't getting past my Dragon. If she does, I am screwed. And I don't want to be screwed.

Yesterday and Saturday were stellar days. Two in a row. Time for three. I am back to thinking day by day, even minute by minute, if I must. I let my guard down, I stopped my constant vigilance. It hasn't been working for me. So I needed to get back to something that I know does. *sigh* Still learning, still have work to do to change old patterns. Sometimes I wish that there was a magic... Something that could just poof! And my mental and emotional wiring was put right. Wouldn't that be nice?

It is finally starting to cool off a little around here. But it is stupud humid. We are expecting possible thunderstorms. We got a bit of a blow, last night. Some wind, a little rumbly and lightening and a sprinkle but I have to say, this year's Monsoon is, so far a total bust.

So what else? Not too much, really. Life is just ticking along and. Yeah.

Accountability

Image Credit

I got on my scale, this morning. And I took a picture:

(No feet... My pedi is in sad shape and no one needs to see that! lol) Note the date stamp.

Time to kick this pig. I have lost fourteen pounds since January.

Fourteen.

That is fucking abysmal. 

I have no one to blame but myself. No one held a gun to my head and forced chips, popcorn, peanuts or what have you, a handful here, a bowlful there down my throat. Oh no. I did that. 

And it really needs to stop. No more dicking around. No more hiding. No nonsense. 

I will weigh, with my camera on Friday or Saturday morning every week. (Whichever morning I am least puffy, urgh!) And I will post the photograph, date stamped. Good, bad or ugly. Accountability. I do better when I own it. I do better when I am actively showing how things are going for me right here, on my blog. 

 I am going to start a personal challenge. There is no start date, no end date. It is a challenge to remember to be accountable to the most important person in this whole endeavor. Myself. I am worth this and I am accountable to myself for my health and well being. And I am challenging myself to stay on track and stay accountable and stop the nonsense.

You are welcome to join me, if you like. If you want to, grab the above photo (not my eight one...;)) and post it, with a linkback to this post in your sidebar. Lets do this for ourselves! We deserve this. We are worth it. 

Thank you for your sweet messages on my last post. Three years. This one, for some reason hit me kind of hard and I thought a tribute was a good idea. I don't do this every year. I am not a big believer in dwelling but sometimes I need to remember and feel. :)

Okay, I need to run. I have to get my lazy azz in the shower. I have a nasty infection in my gum and it hurts like a sumbitch and my face is all puffed up as if I got hit by a Mac truck so I am going to pop in to the Urgent Care and get me some Godzilla antibiotics to kick it. Then I need to get my procrastinating ass to a dentist and get my teeth dealt with. I hate going to the dentist but I really can't put it off any longer. But I can't hold out with this infection, any longer. Waaahhh! 

Has it Really Been a Week?

Boy... Talk about avoidance. I can do it well. And, was I ever. I knew that I was neglecting myself, I knew that I wasn't nourishing myself properly. I was making excuses, justifying this treat and that handful of something salty. And avoiding my blog just enabled my behaviour.

So, the avoidance went to ground, yesterday. I got on my scale. For the first time in a long time and... I was exactly the same weight I was last time I weighed, lo, so long ago. So, okay. I maintained. I feel as if I dodged a bullet. But not so much, really, when you think about it. I had to have lost a little then gained it back with my idiotic eating. So, winner? Uh... No.

Idiot?

Hell yeah.

Seeing 285 in glaring black and grey, not speculating, not justifying, not bullshitting myself gave me a little Come to Jesus moment and I had a stellar day, yesterday. I plan to do the same today. I am not going to think about tomorrow. I will deal with that when it comes.

My knee is better. I am planning to hit the trails tonight. And hopefully all will go well with that. I have had to rest this frakking knee for over a week and I need exercise. I need fresh air and I need to get back into my rhythm.

I had a nice, long chat with my mother, the other day. I was supposed to be cleaning my bathroom but I decided that I needed to hear my mother's voice more than I needed to be inhaling cleaner fumes so I give her a shout. I was only going to procrastinate on the phone for a few minutes but we ended up talking for over an hour and a half. She is doing fine. She still won't go get testing and treatment. She keeps looking us shit on the Internet and following what she reads. I finally broke down and told her how I truly feel about what she is doing. I couldn't hold back and thankfully, our relationship is good enough, our understanding of one another so deep that she gets that I needed to express my anger at the situation and my fear for her and not be offended or angered.

I needed to say the things I did. And she needed to hear them. It cleared the air between us and it took a humongous weight off my shoulders. A weight I wasn't even aware was there until I unloaded it. I love my mother. She isn't just my mother. She is my best friend, my closest kindred spirit and my hero. And I needed her to hear that and too hear that while I don't agree with her choices, that I want her to take an entirely different course, I love her, I respect her right to make her own choices about her body and her health and I support her. No matter what.

Shit! I'm crying, again. I went through this when my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. So, having another parent with cancer is a little much for me to absorb, sometimes.

Breathe! Okay.

It is going to be a warm one, today. Projected high is 89. It is 72, already. But with the windows open and the fans on it is nice, in here. Later, when the sun swings over and heats this joint up I will have to close the place down and fire up the A/C. The way this place is built, the sun beats down all day and by afternoon, it get stifling in here. I avoid using the A/C as much as I can but it is necessary in the afternoon. After the sin goes down and the house is cooled, we can usually turn it off, open the windows and be fine. A little warm but not too bad.

I think that Summer is ramping up, at last around here. It is nothing compared to the heatwave in other areas of the country, for sure. Any of you reading this (is anyone still reading? lol) in the superstupidhothothot areas stay cool and stay safe! Especially when you are out exercising. Go early in the morning or after the sun starts to set. That is a little wisdom from your friend in the Desert Southwest. ;)

So, yes. I am back. No more avoidance. No more bullshit. I need your blogs and words and support and I need to care enough about myself to keep on keeping on. I need to stop with the stupid excuses, justifications, laziness and avoiding my scale. I am worth staying my course, getting this job done and saving my life and my health. And I need all of your help. I can't stay away and do this all by myself.

Besides, I miss all of you. Terribly. And the longer I avoided my blog and yours, the worse I felt.

Okay I need to have my coffee and brekkie and catch up on blogs, here. I also need to do some housework, get my face on and do my nails. I got a new pretty in the mail yesterday and I am dying to get it on my nails. :D

Good Morning Everyone

The sun is shining, the birdies are singing, the breeze is up and I am slurping my customary high-test. I got on my scale this morning and am down another pound, so that is two, this week. Hardly stellar, but at least I am headed back in the right direction. (Week before last was a wash.) Current weight is 284, even. Now to gather momentum and finish grinding out this hundred... Hopefully by the end of this year. :D

William and Patrick and the furry ones are all still snoozing and I am goofing around on my puter and have The Weather Channel on in the background. I saw the saddest story on that channel, yesterday. A man in Tuscaloosa, Alabama lost his home in a nasty tornado and was looking through the rubble to see if he could salvage anything. One thing he got out was a case containing the flag that draped his father's casket at that man's funeral. Nothing of any intrinsic value but precious to him, obviously. He set it outside the pile of rubble and someone passing by walked off with it. Who the fuck does that? How can anyone do something so low? How can someone deliberately inflict that kind of pain on a fellow human being?

Look, I understand that people can feel desperate in crisis situations. People are in shock and they do things that perhaps they wouldn't ordinarily do. If someone is hungry or thirsty, I can see forgiving taking food or water. But to take a flag in a case? What possible use could that be to someone else? Sometimes people are just monsters with no conscious.

Ack! I am out of coffee! BRB.

Ahhh... That's better. Mama has her second cup of go juice. I am so hooked on caffeine. lol

I am slurping my water as well as coffee and trying to decide what to put in my growling tummy. Oatmeal? Eggs? I am leaning toward eggs. I have some mushrooms... :D

Okay, my posting mojo just up and died on me and my teeny tiny little brain is empty of thought so I am going to toddle along. Now is a good time to read all of your new posts.

Oh! If you follow me/have my blog on your blogroll and I haven't found my way over to you to do the same, please leave me your blog URL in a comment on this post and I will come over, follow and add you. I know that I have new followers but getting to blogs through clicking the little icons in my followers gadget is so hit and miss that I have all but given up on that method. So please, blog link spam me, here. :D

Okay, I am outie. Later. :)

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

I awoke to quiet and about three inches of the fluffy white stuff on the ground. It is a warmish, wet snow that was already beginning to melt a little, fall off the trees and it won't last long. Forecast is for fifty, tomorrow so even if more falls, it won't hang out long. Crazy weather we have in my neck of the woods. lol

Weight, this morning, back to 288. *sigh* just call me Duncan. You know... Like the yo-yo? Yeah... Lame. But anyhoozle. I need to seriously get my shit together. I have a goal to reach and I won't if I keep screwing around. No one to blame but myself. I am fully responsible for my actions. Now I need to act responsibly.

I took a few photos and a short video with my cell phone, this morning and tried to upload them to my puter. My photos uploaded fine but my video just uploaded as a single frame. Don't know what happened there. When I tried to go back into my gallery to upload it, again? It was gone. I dunno. I'll have to try, try, again until I figure it out. And I will figure it out. I always do. :D So, you almost got to see a little of my surroundings and hear my voice. Maybe that wouldn't have been such a good thing, after all. lol

Marley on Washer. An original work by me, with my cell phone. My phone has a 3.2 MP camera. Decent. Takes a fairly pretty picture, for a phone. You can click the pic, then click it again to get it bigger. Observe the pout. He was begging for Party Mix. I wasn't caving. He was pouting. lol

I just caved and gave him a little Party Mix. That cat is so spoiled! And he knows the difference between Party Mix and his crunchies. I tried to trick him, one day and he totally busted me. lol The funny thing is, Party Mix is basically dry food in a treat bag. But oh! How he loves that stuff! And if he doesn't get a little bit every day, he meows around here like a brokenhearted, starving little waif. Starving little waif, my ass. That little orange creep is getting fat. I am going to have to trim him back a little bit. He is up in the window, behind me, looking out at the snow.

Well, I am about out of stuff to yap about, for now. I am going to drink my coffee then I may go in search of some brekkie. Talk to you all, later. :D

Sunday Sunny Sunday

Hello losers. :D

It is a gorgeous day here in the 'Zona. Sunny, warm, breezy. My windchimes are playing a melody, the birdies are singing and William is trying to hook my old laptop to the TV to stream video. He isn't having much luck, tho. The monitor is shot, so it is hard to do what he needs to do, the computer won't cooperate with the TV with the cable and it just isn't going well. But he is stubborn and persists. Hey, as long as he is happy... :P

We got a project we have been talking about for quite a while done. We cleaned out the long, back storage area of my walk in closet, today. It wasn't terrible, but there was some stuff that needed to be gone through and dealt with. Some went to the trash, some is getting ready to be given away or Freecycled, a couple of things went to the storage room, for now and the rest, not much, got placed neatly against the wall. Now, my hampers and laundry basket are in the long back, leaving more room in the main part of my closet. Me happy. :D

Weight; still 290.2 this morning. Blech.

I have discovered something I like a lot. Extra sugar free gum. The Dessert Delights. Gum that tastes like yummy stuff... Who knew? The Strawberry Shortcake is good. The Mint Chocolate Chip rules. And popping a stick is a lot fewer calories than say... a bunch of popcorn.

Guess what I found while cleaning out that stuff, today? In a big old box of William's old work related study materials was the charging and USB cord for the old Sansa  MP3 player. So, it is charging, as I type this. Then, I am going to delete Patrick's old play list and upload my own. Then I can take it with me walking and I don't have to take my phone. I am always afraid that something horrifying will happen to it and since it has become an extension of me the thought if it befalling a tragedy is unbearable. lol

With the wind comes pollen. Lots and lots and lots of pollen. Oh, my poor beak! And eyes. I am seriously considering an allergy med like Allegra. It would be nice to pass allergy season in a little more comfort. Less snuffling and nose blowing would be lovely. Allergy meds are spendy, but I should make every penny back in savings not having to buy so many boxes of Kleenex. Heh. Heh.

I suppose I should be doing some laundry but it will wait until tomorrow. I am kind of enjoying being a sloth, today.

The Definition of Insanity

I am going crazy... I am standing here, solidly on my own two hands, going crazy.

My weight this morning? 290.2 pounds. Yes, I am swollen. And I am frustrated and I am, once again, heavier this week than last week when I did nothing to merit it and I am going crazy. I thought I had seen the last of the 290's. I thought I was nicely on my way down the 280's, soon to kiss their ass goodbye. That is what I get for thinking.

Fucking betrayal by my own body. My bod hates me, you know. It hates me bad. And it likes to toy with me and it likes to torment me. I feel like banging my head against a wall. But if I do, it will trigger a migraine and I am relatively comfortable in that department, at the moment and I would like to enjoy the low pain level in my head, thankyouverymuch.

I haven't consumed enough calories to gain fat. I haven't consumed enough calories to maintain the amount of fat that was on my body the last time I stepped on my scale. All I can do is keep on keeping on, drink my water, take my meds and hope for the best. Tomorrow should be a real bowl full of warm, squishy fun when I report a higher weight than last week and totally fuck up the average. Way to go, Erika. Way to be a team player.

It is a little muggy, today, slightly cooler and a little cloudy, as well. Goofy weather, around here. As long as it isn't thirty degrees or snowing, I am good.

Okay, so now that I have had my coffee, my oatmeal and my little piss and moan session, I need to go get my day started. I'll catch you all, later.

Current Weight

287.8

A net one pound loss for two weeks. Hardly stellar. If I go by my fluke weight of 288, two weeks ago. I still think that was largely doe to a fluid dump, especially taking into account my hard bounce.

Whatthefuckever. I am headed in the right direction, again and that, in the long run is all that matters.

Should be another pretty, pretty day here today. It is supposed to get to sixty, today then warm up as the week goes on. Seventy-seven by next Friday. Yeah, baby! I keep seeing stories of the snow socked in mountains in California. Some of the ski resorts are speculating that with the base they have, they can stay open into June, even July. Now, that is a shitload of snow. Next time I start pissing and moaning over eight to twelve inches here, I will have to remember that people in the Tahoe area, for instance are dealing with ten+ feet. And more could very definitely fall.

As you can see, I am playing with my blog settings, again. I just can't seem to leave well enough alone. I like to try new looks, fonts, colours. I want to try it all... And it makes for one crazy ass looking blog that doesn't look the same for long. In fact, I have an idea for background and header... :P Also, I am sure that many of you are relieved I got over the calligraphic text. I liked it but even I found it difficult to read, after a while. I found myself squinting as I read it and that isn't good. I have to battle to keep crows feet at bay as it is... I don't need to be encouraging their encroachment with a hard to read blog!


They guys just took off to go to take themselves and FIL to the barbershop, run a few guy errands, do a little guy shopping, then they are going to take the in laws (or, as Pookie calls them, the Goon Squad) to do their weekly shopping. Since FIL stopped driving, Willy Dog and Pookie... Ya know what? I think, by their nicknames, you have all probably guessed what my husband's and son's names are, by now. What the hell... I am going to just use their names. If they read this (which I doubt will ever happen!) and protest, tough noogies. This is my frakking blog and besides, it isn't going to hurt them or cause them to lose all of their privacy and ruin their lives. So, without further ado, allow me to introduce to you my husband, William and my son, Patrick.

Where was I? Oh, yes. William or Patrick take them out to do their weekly shopping, take them out to do errands and so forth. They live in the same condo complex as we do. There are two two unit buildings, we live in one building, they in the other. After our former common wall neighbour moved out last September, there was talk of moving them in next door. I put the kaibosh on that one really fast. Look, I adore my in laws and we get along pretty well but I don't want to share a common wall with them. We all lived in the same house for almost five years. That was way more than enough togetherness for me, thankyouverymuch. As much as I complain about the new guy next door's booming voice, I don't want my in laws that close, again. They are still close enough that William can be there for them, take them places, help them around their house when they need him, but we have enough space for me to feel comfortable. It works. :)

Okay, I need to run along. I want to hit the bathroom, have another cup of leaded and pound a bowl of oatmeal.

Have a great Caturday, everyone!

Insanity

I am being driven insane. By my own idiocy and my scale. Today, my weight is 291. I know that I am not eating enough calories to have gained three pounds. The only thing I can think of is that the 288 was a fluke, aided by a fluid dump courtesy of my Lasix. Which means it wasn't a "real" weight loss. It was an illusion. I was so happy about it. It was a lie. And I am a failure. And here I sit... 291. *sigh*

Insane.:P

I have decided to withdraw from Allan's challenge. I am just bogging things down. I am not losing to expectations, I can't buy and eat to the exact menus posted (I am not allowed that control over the shopping. I am allowed to go to the store on occasion but I can't really make the grocery decisions. I have to do my thing with the limited healthy, lo cal foods I am provided or allowed to buy.) and I am just wasting his time. I wish everyone in the challenge good luck and I am still going to read and cheer everyone on and be inspired by you all, as always. But I just need to do my thing and not waste Allan's time and keep tying myself in knots over not doing everything right.

I am so mad at myself, right now. I am a failure of epic proportions.

My head is starting to bang. And I just feel like crawling into a dark hole, somewhere and hiding and crying for about a month. I'm not going to... I am going to suck it up and get on with it. I just need to sit here and drink my coffee, watch some mindless tube and pout for a while.

Ooops. I Are a Skrew Up!

When I made my button, I put one to many .com in the direction line of the code and it wasn't working. It is fixed, now and should work properly. So, if you have grabbed my button, please discard the old one and grab the new one. Or you can just remove the additional .com in your HTML/JAVASCRIPT gadget. I am so sorry about that. Here I am, trying to whore my blog and I can't even solicit properly.

Some blog whore I am. :P

A sincere thank you to RNTGirl for letting me know. And telling me what I needed to do to make it work. *big kisses!*

And yes... The misspelling in my title was indeed, deliberate. My attempt at being cute. :P

So, how is everyone this fine Sunday morning? I am okay. I held steady on the scale. Not surprising, considering how puffy I am. *sigh* It never fails. I suck. lol Hopefully next Sunday will be better. 

I am sure that actually sticking more closely to plan wouldn't hurt! (Yes, that was directed at me. ;)) 

It is going to be a gorgeous day. The sun is shining, the birdies are singing and it is already warming up nicely. If this keeps up, we are going to be able to start planting Spring flowers, soon. Pansies first, probably, as they are most cold tolerant in case we get a late cold snap. Then petunias, portulaca, daisies of different varieties, especially African daisies, geraniums, alyssum, million bells... I need to get some nice trailers, too for hanging baskets. Maybe I'll try my hand at some dahlias and some other varieties I have never attempted, this year. I can't wait! I love to grow flowers. :D

Is it just me or is my blog now annoyingly pastel, even for my oh-so-girlie standards? lol

Okay, I am still 3/4 brain dead. I need another cup of leaded and to start on my water for the day. I'll catch all you fine folk, later.  

Current Weight

288.8 down 5.1 pounds. Woot!

I have to be honest... I don't know how the hell I managed it.  lol I guess just not indulging is so much food fuckery, drinking my water and actually trying to stay on track actually works. Who knew? ;)

It feels really good to have my scale headed in the right direction, again. All the battling and struggling wasn't pleasant but I guess I needed to do it. I am feeling better and encouraged and uplifted. I needed a nice little drop, an affirmation to myself that I am doing the right thing. *whew!* Thank you all for your support and encouragement. <3 I <3 you, all!

It is a pretty day today. Clear and it is supposed to warm up really nicely. The lake trails should be nice and dry, again and you know what that means... Mama can go out and walk the trails, again. The city needs to build covers over all of the trails to keep them nice and dry so that we can walk them, even in the worst of weather. Hell, heat them in the Winter and air condition them in the Summer, too. Now, that is a fantasy made in a sci fi book, yes? :D

Marley now has a Catbook profile on Facebook. If anyone has a kitty or is an admirer and would like to friend him or your kitty would like to friend him, clickety, click to travel to his profile. Marley will accept friend requests, kitteh and human. :D

I am drinking coffee, then I think I will have brekkie. I am almost out of eggs, so methinks oatmeal is on the menu. Which is fine, I had eggs, yesterday. I have been eating just whites, lately. I normally do one whole egg and two or three whites, (I have normal cholesterol, so the yolks aren't a problem for me) but I can cut the calories by just doing whites. (Duh!!!) I season them with a little salt and pepper, some Tobasco, a pinch of garlic powder, a nice sploodge of yellow mustard (learned that trick from Tammy :D) and soften them with a little splash of fat free half and half. I used to use water, but water just waters out when the eggs cook and that grosses me out, so ff 1/2 &1/2 it is. It works. I do kind of miss the yolk, and I still have one now and again but all egg whites still gives me the protein I need and when I add a little sauteed onion and mushroom and a little light cheese or a wedge of Laughing Cow Light or a T. of light cream cheese, some salsa, it is filling and good and, well... Nom, nom, nom.

It is the first of March. And that means, Spring allergies. My beak is going crazy. My eyes should follow, soon. Bleargh! I am half tempted to try Claritin, this year. I am sooo tired of the symptoms. But Claritin is spendy. I need to see if my Health Fund pays for it. It does pay for certain OTC drugs and so forth. I should also see if it pays for my vitamins, too. Vitamins are expensive, especially when you take a pile of stuff. I don't know why I didn't think of this, before. Dur! Brain dead old battleaxe, I am. :P

Okay. I am hongry, my bed needs to be made and I want a shower, so I am going to release you from the torture of reading this crap, for now.

Later, gators.

Forgot to Post, Yesterday

Ooops.

I got on my scale, yesterday and was 294. So, I lost the pound I was up thanks to food fuckery and an additional pound.

I finally. finally dropped under 295. Not stellar, a one pound net loss but it is better than gaining another, instead. I am back on the groove and my scale is sliding in the right direction.

I e-mailed my weight to Allan for the challenge, yesterday. I am not getting on my fucking scale, today.

Nope.

Nuh-uh.

No way.

Not going to happen.

I am leaving well enough alone.

I'll pop on next Sunday.

We awoke to a pile of snow, this morning. There was nothing on the ground or falling fronm the sky last night when I went to bed and this morning, the light, powdery stuff was up to Sabryyna's belly. The trees are piled with fluffy pillows of snow. The sky was clear and bright. It is pretty. For about five minutes. Time for the day to warm up and that shit to melt, now.

Willy Dog and Pookey are going to head out in a bit and clear the drive so that we can get out. It shouldn't be too hard. The snow is light and powdery and there is no ice under it. And Willy Dog needs the exercise. He had his DOT physical the other day and while he is fine, overall, he is overweight and has been cautioned, once again to get the weight off, if he wants to stay that way. He chooses not to. Whatever. I'm not his mama. I am not going to tell him what to do.

I got into a little pissing match with a woman in the grocery store, yesterday. We wanted to go up the cereal isle so I could grab my oatmeal and this broad had her cart right across the entrance to the isle, dreamily reading labels, taking her time and just generally acting as if she owned the entire place. We stood, waiting for her to move. Finally she looked up, said, sarcastically, might I add, "Oh! I'll just move my cart". at which point I replied "That would be nice".  In an equally snarky tone. As we proceeded down the isle she dared chastise me for my tone, telling me that I shouldn't be sarcastic. Perhaps the fact that she was older made her feel as if she had the right to correct my behaviour. Whatever it was, she crossed my line. I said, very sharply that I will speak as I choose. Ma'am. Down the isle she called me a bitch. Okay, fine. I earned that one. :D My reply was, "Right back at ya, Sweetheart!" She kind of popped her eyes at that one and left the isle.

Geeze! She started it. I shouldn't have participated. I know better. But I had a migraine, I was trying to get the shopping done before the snow flew and I wasn't in the mood to tolerate a complete stranger crossing my boundaries and telling me how to behave. I get enough of that shit at home, thanyouverymuch. Add to that the fact that I was raised old school. I was taught from my cradle to respect my elders. So speaking to that woman the way I did went completely against everything I was taught and have lived all my life. A part of me wanted to track her down and apologise to her. I didn't. I felt horribly guilty for that. But honestly, I didn't spend much time looking directly at her and I didn't know exactly what she looked like, so... Screw her.

I'm trying a new night cream. Loreal Youth Code. I was trolling the drugstore shelves for some yesterday and I almost bought my usual Neutrogena cream but I saw the Loreal and was intrigued. It was usually $25.00 but it was on sale for $18.00 and I got Extra Bucks, too and I had a coupon so I grabbed it and brought it home. I applied it last night and this morning, my face feels nice and soft. Not greasy or dry. Just... Nice. We'll see how it works over the next few weeks. I am not expecting miracles, here. But it if makes my skin feel and look good, it will be a winner.and stay in my rotation.

Okay, I need to run along. I am wanting another cup of coffee and I am making eggs for brekkie and I am hongry so...

Later, gators.

Moar Snow

It started raining, last night. I could hear it, now and again and it made me feel all happy, peaceful and ready to sleep. When I woke up this morning it was still raining and all was right in my little world. Until I started doing my nails after my shower late this morning. I was sitting at my dressing table down in my room, applying a teabag patch to my right pinkie finger nail when I glanced up and out my window and discovered much to my horror that it was snowing. The temperature had dropped and the white stuff was dumping down. Hard and furious. It kept up until just a few minutes ago. The sun is trying to break through. I hope this means that the snow is over and will melt away soon.

This Winter I have made a discovery. I hate snow. Seriously. Hate. It.

Oh, it's pretty to look at but it is such a pain in the ass to live with and frankly, I don't want the bother of it. I hate being trapped on this hillside because the driveway is too dangerous to traverse. I hate the cold and I am ready to move to say... Hawaii, if anyone knows of a nice little house in my price range I could rent. Something close to the shore, but away from too touristy areas... Close to or in a large-ish city, open to the trade winds, a hop, skip and a jump from Kilauea. Yes, I am a bit of a lava junkie. And no, I don't think I am asking for too much. lol

So, I got on my scale. 295. Stuck. Totally my own fault. I know why and I am not blaming the DDY plan, this was my doing. And I am rectifying it. Yes, I am struggling a bit. I'll work through it. A challenge is a bad time to have your head go all to hell on you but it is what it is. I am not saying it is acceptable and I am not making excuses or serving up bullshit. I am just coming clean. Being accountable and plugging on. I am not giving up. I hope that my fellow challengers don't give up on me.

Willy Dog is on call this weekend and because of the snow all hell is breaking loose. He has been on the phone and running around since early this morning and it isn't letting up, yet. He is pissed. But resigned. I am delighted. Overtime is his friend and we could use the money. I have a head of hair that is in desperate need of a trip to a salon. :D

Oh noes! It is snowing again. Waaahhh...

Current Weight

Current music: More Than This ~ Roxy Music

295.

Two pounds down. I was expecting more, I won't lie. But two pounds is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Sorta. *sigh* Sometimes this feels like such a battle. Sometimes I feel as if I am fighting against the current and I am being swept backward a step for every few I struggle forward. Some days I am full of optimism and others, like today, I just want to go hide from it all until it is all over and I can emerge, changed. Then I think about how much farther I have to go, how much work there is to do and my head gets stupid.

Don't worry, I am not spiraling into a fail or binge or anything idiotic. I am just indulging in a little mental pout. Getting all emo on myself. I'll survive. lol

Geting out of this house for a while today will help a lot.

Food and water are on course. Well, food is... If I drink too much water before I go out, I end up running into every public ladies room in town and for a gal with a bashful bladder, that can be an ordeal, let me just tell you. It's hell when you have trouble pissing in public, even when your bladder is about to explode. :P lol

It is a pretty day. Slightly hazy and warming up nicely. It is 57, right now. Should be nice and warm this afternoon. These lovely days having me jonesing for Spring.

Maybe I'll buy the shit I need to run strand tests on my hair, today. I am feeling the need to dye. I am so ready to go blonde. :D

Now playing: Poker Face ~ Lady GaGa :D

Three Day Freak Out

The last three days are solidly in the Fail column. I got to or slightly exceeded 2000 calories each day. Oh, yes. You read that right. I know that 2000 calories won't put weight on my frame. But it sure as hell didn't do me any damned good. Add in my fucking edema and I am back  up to 298, this morning.

Fuck.

I don't know why I got into the head space I did. I think that part of it was the pressure I was putting on myself. I tend to do that. Then when I release it... Implosion. Something new I have learned about myself. Ease up on the pressure I place on myself, stop fretting and just accept the fact that I can do this and I am doing this and I don't need to allow what anyone thinks make me put additional pressure on myself.

Speaking of pressure... *tongue in cheek, here* I am in it for Allan's Phase Five. In spite if my crying about pressure, I like structure, I can do 1200 calories a day (in spite of the last three days throwing a big black mark on my record) and I am competitive. And I want the prize for highest percentage of weight loss.

That leads me to yes, I am back on track. Mentally, I am calmer, no longer freaking out, not fighting bullshit cravings, not feeling pressure. Just level, again. I am still waiting for the Lasix to kick in. I take it, every day with the potassium and drink huge amounts of water and wait. If I reach Monday with no joy, I will call my doctor.

Brekkie was a cup of coffee, a Mackintosh apple and a Fage with a little Splenda. I am drinking my water. I fell a little short, yesterday. Only five quarts. *sigh* Fail, again.

I didn't write the above for sympathy or validation. I am not looking for anyone to tell me it is okay. It isn't. I get that and I am just working through it. I still have a lot of work to do. But I am learning, building on my successes and my failures are hitting less and less often. I am not perfect. I never will be. But that is a hard lesson for me to get through my thick skull. And when I try, it messes with me a bit. But I am getting there. 

Stupid head games I play with myself.

Okay, I need to flip on a little heat and warm it up in here so I can take my shower. Then I need to do my nails.

One. Fucking. Pound?

In two weeks.

One fucking pound.

In two fucking weeks????

Arrrrgh!!!!!

I follow my plan.

I drink enough water to float a battleship.

And I lose one fucking pound in two weeks.

Do I cry or do I throw my scale against a wall?

I am so talking to my doctor about this fucking puffing up shit. My ankles, feet, hands, wrists are all nice and bloaty, this morning.

I knew I should have weighed yesterday. I felt less puffy, yesterday.

*sigh*

To say I am frustrated right now would be a major fucking understatement.

I am going to drink my coffee and sulk, now.

No Change

*sigh*

I drank enough water to float a battleship, yesterday, hoping to banish the bloat. No such luck. It was still all tightly entrenched when I weighed, this morning. I hate this. I hate getting puffy and swelling up and weighing more than I should. *stamps foot and pouts* I work hard, dammit! I stick to my calorie cap, I drink barrels of water. When I am physically able, I walk. Miles. I don't have a cycle. I had that shut down years ago. There is no reason for stupid Puff Monster nonsense. And I am sick of it. I need to talk to my doc about this, I suppose.

It is still weird that I "have" a doc. :P

It is a sunny day, today. It is going to be a little cooler, just into the mid fifties, and some wind but it is supposed to warm back up as the week gets underway. It is a bit freakishly warm for this time of year but I am not complaining. If I don't have to deal with ice and snow and bitter cold temps, that is just fine with me.

I am going to grab another cup of coffee and sulk for a while.

Attack of the Puff Monster

I got on my scale this morning and...

Nothing. No change. Same as last week. I knew that was likely to be as I am very puffy, this morning. My ankles and hands are swollen. Blech! Yuk! So, thanks to the puff, I am likely to report no change in weight, tomorrow. Even tho I am on track and obviously I lost fat, since this fluid weight has to be replacing something.

Fuck!

See, this is what you get when you fuck up your bod with obesity. Screwed up functions.

Blech!

I just have to accept it. And then dump the bloat and next week's fat and really blow the socks off my scale, next week. :P

Another sunny, pretty day. It should warm up nicely. I wish this cough would go away. It would be a nice day for a walk. I still can't exert myself without coughing my head off. Stupid 'flu.

Okay, I am going to start gulping water.

Later, gators.

Yeah, Baby!

 

Carry on. 

:D