Zits? What The? And Revealing Something Major to Me...

Really?

At my age?

I'm forty-frakking-eight and in the last week I have had no fewer than three huge, juicy zits. I don't break out anymore. I just don't, And well I shouldn't. I mean, I am dealing with the early signs of Crone; fine lines, a few wrinkles popping up, a little saggy action here and there, hooded eyes... It happens, I accept it and I am okay with it. I lied, I'm not but yeah, whateves. I don't think that I should be forced to put up with zits, too. I just don't. I think it should be zits or wrinkles. 

Not both. 

Oh no. 

Not both. Not fair. Not acceptable. 

So, the last couple of days were good. I ate well, got my water. I am planning to start walking again, soon. Once I get over the initial goofy-ness. I always go through a phase where I feel a bit light headed, weak and strange and unwell-ish as I get on track and my bod adjusts. I go through it, every time. I know that I need to get past it then I am good. 

I'm not flawless... I munched a couple of handfuls of nasty store brand potato chips, yesterday and killed a single serving bag of Doritos, today. I logged the calories. I am not beating myself up. I am human. I am flawed. And so it goes. 

I am not doing this on my own, this time. I am getting help. 

Big help. I made a momentous decision and have decided to go forward with having WLS. I had my first appointment at True Results in Scottsdale, last week to see about getting a Lap Band. The appointment was a good one, I qualify, (duh!) my insurance covers it. I have a documented history, co-morbidities, a frightening family history and a terrible personal history at weight loss attempts. I have some hoops to jump through before my insurance will approve; actually, it is my husband's company. go figure. Whatever. If they want to me to jump, I'll jump. I have to do four months of supervised by the center dieting, have a psych eval, (that should be fun, I've never done that, before) have a consult with a nutritionist. True Results is in network and everything is covered. Yay!

I am not going into this lightly. I have done my research, time and again. My eyes are wide open. I understand the benefits, the risks, the statistics. I have gone over this six ways from back and forth. Debated it, debated it, again. I tried on my own. Tried so hard and I thought, I really thought I had it beat. But I didn't. I just didn't. I need help. And I am not too proud to admit it and I am not too proud to reach out and take it. So that is where I am with that. I have officially begun my four month hoop-jump.

I don't expect everyone to agree with my decision and that is just fine. I know what some people will think:

 I haven't. Trust me. I know that in the past I was outspoken that I could do this on my own. I thought that I could. I really thought that I could. But I also said that I wasn't opposed to WLS, that I fully respected anyone who made that decision for themselves. I still feel that way. I feel that everyone needs to do what is right for them, make the decisions, choices that are right for them, that work for them. I don't dictate, I don't judge. I am not living in someone else's body or life, I am not going to tell them how to care for that body or live that life.

I feel very good about this decision. I have no nervous feeling about this decision, no doubts, no second thoughts. I am calm, steady, this is right.

My cat is bugging me for treats. Greedy little orange fuzzbutt anyway. 

Going Along Well Then...

Chips and Salsa

I was indulging in my new addiction. Sherlock, the British version and I was unthinking and did not stop with the chips and salsa. Otherwise my day wasn't too bad. I ate so many chips and salsa, William ate so many, Patrick at so may that there are no more chips left so I can't get myself into anymore trouble with crunchy, salty, white corn goodness.

Sadly, there are no more delicious Sherlock episodes on YouTube for me to goggle for free. Guess it is time for me to break down and get Netflix 'cause Mama needs more Sherlock. Mama needs all of the Sherlock.

In other entertainment news, we are Die Hard fans in this house. All of the movies have been watched time and again. Enjoyed, time and again. A Good Day to Die Hard, the fifth offering was junk. Garbage. Terrible. It had a few okay moments but overall it was a big fat fail. I think it is safe to say that the Die Hard Franchise has jumped the shark.

There's clouds out there! Woot! I don't think that they will actually dump anything on us but they give me hope.

Got Back In

Weirdness... Couldn't get back into my blog for a while, there. I finally figured out how so now when it happens again, if it happens, again I won't be trapped out.

It's warming up. Mid eighties, we have had to turn on the air in the afternoons, it isn't super hot around here but because of the way this place is built the sun bakes down on us and turns this place into an oven in the afternoon and the air makes it more pleasant so on it goes. Add to the heat the fact that Smoke Man insists on blowing his obnoxious cigarette smoke all over the place and I don't enjoy the "fresh air" so much.

I want to move. Seriously. I am over this condo. And, since we had Sabryna put to sleep (on March 29th) we don't have to stay here any longer. Not really and I want to start looking. Seriously looking and I want to move.

William keeps talking about getting another dog. I don't want another dog, right now. Not in this condo and honestly, I am just not ready to add another dog to the family at the moment. I still miss my Velcro dog too much. But Mr. Stubborn keeps looking at dogs online. *sigh* I told him that when we find and move into the house that I want... Largish, single level (I am over stairs, thankyouverymuch!) bells and whistles that I crave, all hard surface floors and a large, securely fenced back yard, we will get another dog. I think that is a fair compromise.

I am healed up from my laproscopic gallbladder removal that wasn't in March. Hell of a thing, a surgeon not being able to find a person's gallbladder. I am not too surprised, it was a remote possibility, as it couldn't be imaged on the studies before surgery or on the CAT scan I had after. So, I still have that malfunctioning piece of shit in my bod making me miserable, now and again. *sigh* If it goes critical, we'll have to deal with it but for now, I'm just going to leave it be. I have a good prescription anti nausea med that I can take from time to time when I need it and other than some discomfort from time to time, it isn't too bad. I can live with it, for now.

I had a nice chat with my mother, yesterday, I called to wish her Happy Mother's Day and we talked for a good while. She is doing pretty well. Feeling good. I am going to respect her privacy and not go into too much detail here, but she had some treatments and is receiving some others and has some upcoming. She feels good and has had some good results. I am overjoyed by this, and thrilled at how well and strong her voice sounded on the phone, yesterday. I am hopeful that she is going to be with us for a long time to come.

On the migraine front:

Imitrex: Fail
Propranalol: Fail
Topomax: The Jury is Out. It is promising, We'll see.

Winter Sucks and I am Tired of It.

Cold. Yuk. February, that deeply chilled month leading into March.

This Winter has been weird... Warm days, deeply cold days. Days of insane wind, sudden, wild snow then warm days, again. At least the snow hasn't been bad. They guys have only had to clear the drive and put down ice melt a few times. yesterday, it was sunny, chilly but not too cold then as the sun went down, the temp plummeted and the wind kicked up and we woke to an inch or so of dry powder. It was clear, the sun was shining and reflecting on the snow crystals being blown around. the air looked as if it was full of diamonds. It was kind of gorgeous.

But I am ready for Spring. And for Summer, when I get to bitch about how hot it is and how I am longing for Autumn. LOL

I have my follow up at the doc, in the morning. Nine-fifteen. What kind of insane time is that to have too be at the doctor, I ask? Oh well, it's a follow up so I can have coffee before I go in.

That's really about all I have to yap about, right now. Except I seem to have a bug nite on my hand. I don't know how I got it but it sure is itchy.

Humiliated, Stupid and Pissed

My feet are cramping. Nice. As if I need this, right now.

I had to go to the doc, this morning to get my yearly blood work and get my scripts renewed. While I was in the exam room, I had to tell her why I didn't go to my consult with the surgeon and I started crying. Dammit! I thought I had it controlled but no. I started crying, again. Embarrassing. I am the stoic one, the collected and calm one. Yeah, right. Get myself together, sort of. Sitting in the lab so that Drac can draw blood and I start crying again.

Embarrassing. Again.

So I get done, make my follow up appt, and I decided to head to Hellmart and pick up a few things. Body wash, shampoo, conditioner... The usual. My fave shampoo and condish? They don't carry them. Of fucking course. Since I was already wrought up, I felt like crying again. Over shampoo and conditioner. Embarrassing and stupid. I kept it together. Got my body wash, Hellmart didn't have the cotton rounds I like, didn't have Precision Tip Q-Tips, but I did find a nail polish and a lip gloss that I wanted to try. Checked out. Just those few things? Thirty clams.

Then off to Walgreen's. They have my shampoo and conditioner. And the new Nivea Lip Butters that I like so much were BOGO 1/2. Grabbed two. Got my cotton rounds and Precision Tip Q-Tips. Another thirty bucks.

I decide to run into the grocery store and get a few things. Pick them up, having shopped carefully so as to not go over what was available on my debit card (as I was now nearly out of cash) everything rings up and fuck. My card declined.

Humiliating.

Now here is where the stupid comes in. I should have checked my e-mail on my phone, right there. It would have told me that I was two dollars short on my debit card. I had five in cash. I could have given the checker the cash then run the rest on my card and it would have been fine. But no... I panic, I am ready to start howling, again so I just told her to forget it and went to my car, clutching the coffee I had bought earlier and angry as hell with myself.

Got into my cat, checked my e-mails and realized that I was a fucking idiot and felt like a humiliated, fucking idiot.

I am so over today already.

First World Problem

Do I get the Samsung Galaxy III or suffer with my current Old El Crappo phone a couple of months longer and get the Galaxy IIII? I like the newest and funnest. I have been reading about the new GS4 and it sounds like something that is right in my wheelhouse. 32G, Key Lime Pie, 1080p HD video...

The SG3 is a great phone and will be dirt cheap when the SG4 launches and that would be great for the old budget but I have suffered with this crappy phone for so long that when I do replace it, I kind of want the best one. YaknowwhatImean?

First world problems.

I haz them.

And, it seems, another fucking migraine.

Can I go back to bed, now?

Guess I Needed It

Sleep, that is. I slept until after ten, this morning. I know... Lazy sloth. I never sleep late. I am up between six and seven every morning. Last night, I felt so worn out, I was yawning hard, you know, those yawns that feel as if they are going to crack your jawbone in two? I kept falling asleep in my chair, with my computer in my lap. I finally decided to go to bed and was so bone tired that I could barely drag my ass down the stairs, go into my bathroom to pee, take my hair down and fall into bed. I didn't even bother brushing my teeth, braiding my hair or putting on extra face cream.

I do feel better this morning, tho. More refreshed and energetic. I think that stress, migraines, sleeping like shit finally all caught up with me and my bod and brain cried uncle. LOL

I am having my morning coffee and cursing the snow that fell in the night. We are forecast to get more, today then it is supposed to clear up, warm up and go away. Which is good. I like it not. At least we aren't in the East, right now. Yikes! Talk about snow! Just glad it isn't me. :P

Coffee... What would I ever do without you?

I have a pile of polishes to swatch and some other stuff to do.

Coffee, Muscle Bound Hulks and Snow

So, it's supposed to snow. Get stupid cold, really windy and snow. Yuk. I guess that this is part of Winter Storm Gandolf? Okay, I have to ask... Is anyone else as endlessly amused by The Weather Channel trying to make "fetch" happen? StormCon and TorCon and Named Winter storms and the like are so funny, to me. Seriously... Who the hell is coming up with this shit? And how are they getting it on?

So, I'm sitting here, this morning. Drinking my coffee, getting my morning pins and twats and Facebook posts up for my polish blog and bantering with my son about my taking steroids. William was dusting and suddenly he turned to me and asked, "They aren't going to make you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, are they?" Bwahahaha! I have to admit, that was funny. I reassured him that no, they weren't going to turn me into a muscle bound hulk. He seems relieved.

Oh my sainted Aunt! I am such a fucking moron. I had to set the date on my camera, the other day after I replaced the batteries. For some reason it loses it's settings after a battery change, from time to time. And it has been happening more often. Anyway, back to being a fucking moron. When I re set the date, I set the year as, yep. You guessed it. 2012. You know what that means, photographs from two days in January of this year are slotted in with the January 2012 photographs. So, to get to them, I have to go hiking back to Jan. of 2012 every time I want to access them. Must change the date on my camera, ASAP. I am so not willing to put up with this nonsense long term.

If I had a brain I'd be dangerous.

I Gotz Weird Head Bonz

According to my doc, the way my bones are formed in my head and ears is the reason why my head is full of fluid, my ears are bulging, my face is swollen and I have constant post nasal drip. The drip and draining, but not proper draining is causing the swelling and irritation in my throat, puffing up my neck and my face and causing my ear pain. Good news is I don't have an infection. So I am now the proud owner of a pile of steroids, a seven day oral course and a long term commitment to nasal spray steroids.

Joy. I hate that nasal spray. Hate it so much that, in spite of the fact that when I used it, before it was beginning to work a little, I stopped because I didn't like how it made my nose feel. Well, I got chewed out (very nicely, of course, my doc is a total sweetie) and I actually caved and promised to keep using it, in spite of my dislike for it. We're giving these meds a month to see how I progress then if I don't, it's to the ENT for me. Fun times.

I am awaiting a referral to a surgeon for my gallbladder. It's time for that sucker to go. I am having increasing pain and I am shitting. All. Of. The. Time. Draz'z Explosive Man has noting on me, lately. Should be entertaining, getting that sucker yanked out. I am kind of looking forward to it. Having the pain, discomfort and other loverly symptoms go away would be welcome.

So, after I got done at the doc's, I popped into Walgreen's to pick up my scripts and I needed shampoo, conditioner and cotton rounds and some 91% alcohol. That was all I intended to get. Yeah... Right. I got my shampoo and conditioner. Then I saw a deep treatment that I wanted to try. Into the basket. Then I saw some Dove products, a "hair oil" (that is, in truth mostly silicone) and a detangling spray that were two for six dollars. Both went into the basket. Next, I went trolling through the makeup area. Ah! There is that new Wet-N-Wild eye primer. Why not? Oooo! That Loreal Infallible shadow I have been kind of lemming on... Yes! It's mine. Cruise past the Cover Girl... Hey! There is that new Clump Crusher mascara I am hearing such great things about! One tube in very black added to the haul. Then I grabbed cotton rounds and ovals and headed for the register. I thought I'd spend twenty bucks or so when I walked into the joint. I spent seventy-two. 0_0

And I forgot my fucking alcohol. And eye makeup remover. *sigh* If I had a brain, I'd be dangerous.

And another ten bucks poorer.

Damn, shit is expensive! Even in the drugstore.

My hair looks so jacked up, right now. I am in desperate need of a visit to my stylist. I'm scheduled for the 17th. I was supposed to go on the 4th but I had the plague and I like my stylist and I didn't want to give her my viri.

Oh. Shit. I forgot to get a flu shot.

Brain.

I haz none.

She's Not Dead, Jim

I'm alive! I survived my cold and am feeling a whole hell of a lot more human. Yay! I still need to see my doc, tho. I have an issue with my throat, beak, ears and neck... I suspect it is all connected, as the symptoms hit and clustered together pretty much at the same time.

So yeah... This cold wasn't hideous, I have certainly weathered worse. I'm glad to have it over, tho.

I am enjoying this freakishly warm for this time of year weather while it lasts. We're supposed to get some cold and snow, soon. Right now, temps in the fifties feels like Paradise. No snow is certainly that! LOL

You know why I love my DVR? I can fast forward through the blah-blah-blah, waaahh-waaahh-waaahh, scale speeches and the kid centric portions of The Biggest Loser. You know what I have liked about The Biggest Loser, so far? The Red Line. I LOVE the red line! I hate the voting process, the scrambling, the alliances, the games and bullshit. The red line is clean and simple. I assume that they are going back to the stupid voting process, next week. Oh vell. It was fun, while it lasted.

Other than that, I am on a real snore fest for my life. Which isn't a bad thing, when I think about it. Lack of drama in life is not a reason to bitch.

I have finally figures out how to do a rope braid. In fact, my hair is in one, right now. I like. I also finally grok how to do a herringbone braid. I still need to practice that one but I have, at last, grasped the concept. I am so hair do, braid and updo challenged. Probably not a hot idea when you have as much hair as I do but yep. That's how it is. 

Bringer of the Gushy Food

Marley has no use for anyone, as cats tend to do. Unless it is 7:00 in the morning and he wants his gushy food. He awaits me at the top of the stairs, having heard me stirring around and getting up. As I come out of my room, the meowing begins. Insistent, demanding. Sometimes loud and strident, others, barely audible, rusty, baby kitten starving to death without the strength to create actual sound. He dogs my footsteps as I move around my kitchen, putting on the water for my coffee, taking my morning meds and vitamins, feeding the dog, getting Marley his crunchies.

Crunchies he doesn't want. In the morning, Marley is all about the gushy food. He gets a quarter of a can of Fancy Feast Classic in a seafood variety of some kind. He insists that all gushy food be seafood; he will eat chicken, beef, turkey cooked or raw but won't tolerate it in his gushy food. Picky little snot. Anyway, until I get that quarter can into a small ceramic dish, properly mushed and fluffed just so, served up on his windowsill, he doesn't back off. How many mornings have I almost killed myself tripping over his little orange ass as I stumble around the kitchen in my sleep induced haze? You would think that he would know better than to come within a mile of me before my first cup of coffee but the pull of the gushy food is too powerful and he is totally willing to risk bodily injury to nag me into feeding it to him even faster.

My head is bad, this morning. It's so nice to have a cold and a migraine at the same time, lemme tell ya. 

I remembered to move my hair appointment. This way I won't bring the plague in and infect everyone at the salon. I'm such an angel. I had to book for the seventeenth. I have roots-a-plenty now. My hair is going to look seriously jacked up by the middle of the month. *sigh* Oh well. That is what I get for having one of the most popular stylists in town. I get why she is in so high demand, she is good. And she respects how I feel about my hair. She never breathes a word of complaint about working with my masses of tresses, she never tries to pressure me into chopping my hair and she is happy to work with me as I grow it ever longer. And she doesn't charge me outrageous amounts of money. A roots touch up and tone is sixty-five bucks. Not bad for a higher end salon and the fact that my hair is thick and past my waist and needs precise attention to get just the right shade of blonde and not destroy the structural integrity of all of this hair. She is a treasure and it would be worth it at twice the price. My wallet is happy that it isn't that much, tho.

I wonder of those little fabric hoses are really as good as the commercials say they are? I should look up reviews and see what people are saying. They look good... And would be so handy to have around. I hate using the big, heavy hose we have, I'd love something lightweight and easy to handle.

It smells like pumpkin and spice in here, thanks to that candle. It must be strong for me to be able to smell it with my racked up beak.

Migrating

So my cold is migrating into my chest. No surprise there. Blech. I hope this one doesn't linger too long. At least I am only feeling moderately sick. I can still do housework (slowly) and so on so it isn't as if I am laid low. I will admit that I am milking this a little. Just a little tiny bit.

I have a hair appointment Friday, I need to remember to call tomorrow and move it to next Friday or Saturday, I don't think that dragging the plague into the salon would be a friendly or very welcome thing for me to do.

Want to know what really sucks about being sick? I don't feel like going out shopping and I have a little Christmas money burning a hole in my wallet and the sales are on, baby. I think I'll go wash my face, brush my choppers, braid my hair and go to bed. I'z tired.

The Witching Hour

IIt is quiet, right now. Except for the TV on in the background, that is. I just took Sabryna out for what I hope is the last time tonight and I am finally taking a little time to natter here.

I came in under 1800 calories for the day. I am calling it a victory.

It is quiet and I am still up because William and Patrick are doing a two time up and back to Bullhead City. Patrick recently bought a new (to him) car and he offered his Mustang to his uncle. My BIL jumped on it, he is having a tough time, right now, his job pays for shit and his wife works but isn't making bank, either and they need a dependable car. Their vehicles are in bad shape and they don't have much much money for repairs and so forth. If I had known what an asshole the person we sold the Jeep to would turn out to be (what a story that turned out to be...) I would have happily given it to BIL. Seriously. I would have rather gifted it to him than have had the thousand dollars form that asshole.

So, BIL is going to pay my son $50.00 a month for twenty month for the Mustang, which will bring Patrick's car payment down to just under a hundred dollars a month for that duration. Lucky brat, got a 2004 Chevy Trailblazer for $143.00 a month. It is a very nice vehicle, clean, runs great and he is thrilled with it. The payment is perfect for him, easy for him to afford and he loves his new SUV. A lot.

So anyway, BIL and the Mustang and why I am home alone... William and Patrick went up to Bullhead to get BIL, brought him here, did the necessary, went to the DMV to take care of the legalities and so forth, the guys went over to MIL's for dinner, then they all took off; BIL driving his "new" car home and William, being William decided too follow him home to be sure that the Mustang makes it safely all the way back. It should. The engine is in good shape and we put a bunch of money into it, made a lot of other repairs... Brakes, shocks, door locks, window motors, cylinoid, fan... A couple of tires... I know that I am forgetting something. I hope that the car runs beautifully for him for a long time. BIL could use a break. I wish that we could do more for him, but this is one thing we can do.

I enjoyed the opening ceremony of the Olympics. I fast forwarded through a little of it. The part about the teenagers and cell phones and shit... Bored me. Thank heaven for my DVR. lol The rest of it was really fun to watch, tho. The Olympic cauldron was genius. So creative and beautiful. And bravo to the director of the ceremony for the high energy, fast paced Parade of Nations. It was nice to see it go so swiftly and not drag on and on and on and on. Well done, overall. It was pretty and creative and yet had a restraint that is so very British.

Sabryna... She is getting worse. She is having increased trouble walking and keeps falling and hurting herself. We had to build a ramp for her to get in and out of the back door as she lost the ability to negotiate the steps to go out and go potty. But she is looking more gaunt and her appetite is on and off and today... Ugh. This morning, I took her out to go potty, then she went back too sleep and I high tailed it downstairs to take a shower, do my makeup and hair. I took a little extra time, played with some different eyeshadow colours and then stripped my bed, as I had decided to wash my sheets. I brought them upstairs and headed for the laundry room and found piles of barf. One on the floor by the water dish, half of it in my flopper. Ick. A pile, puddle, really, in front of my dishwasher and a big one in my laundry room in front of my dryer.

Gah!!!! I am a sympathetic barfer. You barf, I barf. Cleaning all of that up was a treat, let me tell you. It wasn't all her fault. She knows better than to throw up in the house and if she feels sick, she asks to go outside to throw up. She is really good about that. I was downstairs, so she had no choice. Luckily, when she got sick again around five, I was upstairs with her so I was able to take her out and let her do her gross business outside. Poor baby girl. She didn't eat, all day. She finally had a few bites of food, a little while ago and she is sleeping, now.

I want to ge to bed but I can't sleep with everyone gone. and I am afraid that if I go downstairs and go to bed, Sabryna will get sick and I won't be up here to help her. I probably will go soon, tho. I am tired.

Isn't it Ironic?

Yes, I know that there is nothing truly ironic in this song. ;) But the title fits so, calm your tits. :P

Once again I am a neglectful of this blog and it should take me out and sue me. But it won't. Because it loves me. I have been busy and didn't really think that there was a hell of a lot to talk about, as I am just about the most boring person on the planet. But yeah, lets see...

We finally bought a new washer and dryer. Ouch! More money than I really wanted to spend but they are good machines and should last us a long, long time. We needed them so, we had to bite the bullet. We also finally got a "new" car. It's a 2009 Hyundai Elantra. Surprisingly nice car. When William came in the house and told me that he had brought a car home for me to look at, I asked him what it was and when he said, "Hyundai", I said, "Oh... HELL NO!!!"

I was thinking cheap piece of tin shit Rodney King Hyundai junk car. But I went out to the driveway and took a look at it. And I have to admit, I like it. It isn't my dream car, by any stretch of the imagination but it is nice. It is solid, well built, quite pretty, with it's shiny silver paint and matte black trim and dark, dark tinted windows. It has all of the amenities we wanted, except for a moon roof. Power everything, fifty thousand air bags, rides and drives really nice. It only has 41,000 miles on a 100,000 mile warranty and it was really clean. Owned previously by an older couple who took very good care of it. It gets super mileage, too. It just sips the gas, unlike that freak of a Jeep we used to have. 

And, it has free XM/Sirious radio for as long as we own the car. Which kinda sorta a lot rocks. Paired with the CD player, we always have plenty of tunes. 

As I said before, a Hyundai is hardly my idea of a dream car but it is a good car that will serve us well and it was an excellent deal. We got a very good price on it, the payment, with gap coverage came in under our comfortable payment cap and by paying on this car, we are re building our shittastic post Ch. 13 credit ratings. The interest rate on the financing is pretty brutal. Thanks to the aforementioned shittastic credit. But thanks to the fact that William has a dependable job, has been there a long, long time a reputable lender took a chance on us.

Other than that, there have been car rides, because I am like a dog with gasoline fever and I like to go for rides, I have been swatching a lot of polishes for my Nail Parlour, and just living life and being boring. 

I have this nasty sore throat. I got it Saturday morning. Ugh! It sucks! Hurts sooo bad. I hate getting a sore throat and have been getting a lot of them, lately. I was going to go see my doc, today but I was feeling better, earlier then after her office was closed, I was feeling a lot worse, again so I went to the Urgent Care and got seen. They did a rapid strep test. Negative. Yeah. I knew it wasn't strep. I've had strep. A couple of times. You know it if you get it. lol It's viral, I was instructed to take Advil PM and gargle with warm salt water. Gee, thanks, doc. I am still in fucking pain, here. Swallowing is hell, thankyouverymuch. Fucking virus.

He also said that my tonsils are big. Yeah. My doc also told me that. And that I might, like some ten year old, need them out some day. Good times. :P

So, after I want to Walgreen's to pick up my Advil Cold and Sinus, okay, want to know what a makeup whore I am? I checked out the displays on the way in and out. Oh, yeah. Sicker than a dog, can't swallow but by George, Revlon is BOGO !/2 so I grabbed one of the Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stains and a Color Stay Shadow Stick. I am a sick, sick woman, let me tell ya. 

And can I just talk about the process of getting Advil PM??? I had to get it from the pharmacy counter, give him my driver's license, have my signature run through some database just to buy an OTC medication recommended by my doctor. Thanks, meth cooking assholes.

So, we went to Circle K after I left Walgreen's so William could buy a couple of doughnuts and a lottery ticket. He got a crossword.

Guess what the fucking bonus word was?

TONSIL.

Now, that's ironic.

Roots

I got them done, yesterday.

In a salon.

For the first time in twelve years, I walked into an actual salon.

It was frightening for me. I sat in the car and debated with myself for a while before I got out and walked to the door. I was so afraid that the staff would take one look at me and everyone would suddenly be too busy, because no one would want to touch the freaky long hair on the big, ugly fat broad. I did have one of those moments. I went in as a walk in because I was too chicken shit to make an appointment and then dread it and cancel, as I am wont to do. So I just made myself go in. The gal in the station closest to the door was friendly but busy with a client. she asked me a few general questions about what I would like then suggested that I go back and ask the other stylist on staff if she could take me as she was just wrapping up her client and should have the time. When I went back, tho that stylist told me that she couldn't because she was leaving to go do something with her sons.

What I heard, briefly, in my sick, twisted mind was, "No fucking way do I want to bother with you, you hideous hag".

Nice of me to pin something like that on a total stranger, huh? A total stranger who was, even tho she didn't have the time to do my hair, herself, perfectly nice about it. Yeah. The games I play with myself. The things I say in my head.

The first stylist I talked to was able to fit me in a little later yesterday afternoon, so I went back and got my roots lightened. I was so uncomfortable, at first, but as my appointment went on I got more comfortable and started to relax and stopped fearing judgement and hatred, which I certainly did not receive in any measure; she was perfectly lovely and friendly to me. I really like the stylist who did my hair and made a return appointment for my next roots touch up. I think that I actually have a stylist, now. Isn't that funny? And kind of great?

I always assume that when people meet me they are going to hate me on sight. Not only because of the fact that I am less then fabulous, but because I am not very likable. Stupid holdovers that I believe from my childhood. A childhood in which I was relentlessly bullied in school and came to believe, deep in my core that I was, still am, the things they called me. Stupid. Ugly. Weird. Useless. Unworthy.

I am proud of myself for ignoring the voices in my head (not actual voices in my head... Don't worry lol) and doing something that I wanted to do. Regardless of my weight or the fact that I didn't have the "right" clothes or a huge pile of money in my wallet, I did it. And I had a lovely time and I have fresh, bright roots.

Win.

A small one, to be sure.

But it is still a win.

I wonder if there will ever come a time when I don't automatically believe that the moment someone lays eyes on me that they hate me, instantly? Will I ever find confidence in myself? Regain my free, fearless spirit? Are they gone? Or just buried? And how the hell do I find out? And get them back?

Maybe yesterday was one small step in that direction.

I hope so. Because I am so sick of the me that I've become. I want my old me back. The me before.

Where is she?

Four Days

That is how long it has been since I washed my hair. I have so much dry shampoo and hair spray in my hair that my hair is nearly standing up by it's self. And my scalp itches like a sonofabitch. I have been falling back on cheats, rather than washing my hair and I am desperate to shampoo. I'll do it, when I shower, in a few minutes. *scratchscratchscratch*

I have the Imitrex buzz. I don't like it but I hope it heads off this migraine. I ignored my aura, yesterday and had a migraine hit me like a freight train in the supermarket. Good times.

Say, have you guys tried this stuff, yet? It's kinda yummeh. I like it on a toasted whole grain sandwich thin. Nom, nom, nom.

I wish that I could get more flavours, locally. Stupid Prescott. If we get the good stuff, we get so little of it or such a limited selection that it is pathetic.

Have I mentioned that I hate living in Small Town America? Well, I do. I am an urban girl. I have traffic noise and smog in my blood and living in the clean mountain air in a large town that thinks it is still a small town is sucking the life out of me.

I must continue to be sucked, tho. (Oh. That came out so many kinds of wrong.) Leaving a place in which my husband has a steady job would be the height of idiocy and we aren't stupid.

Well, not most of the time, anyway. ;) 

I have to pee.

Time's Fun When You're Having Flies

I meant to blog more often this week but every time I thought about it I didn't have time and when I had time, I was off in another world in my head and well... Yeah. Proof, once again that I suck.

So, did I ever talk about how my husband is the pushover of the world? I mean, just look as Marley. William hated cats. He met Marley, when he was just a tiny, wild thing living outside. I started feeding him and the next thing you know, William is coming home with fancy canned food and toys and a cat bed and a blanket for the little guy. And the moment he came in, one phone call netted a brand new litter box and litter and more toys and the cat hater was the cat lover. lol And he still adores Marley, to this day.

So, Mr. Soft Touch, Sucker of the Year and I decided to sell the Jeep and use the proceeds as a down payment on a different vehicle. Since our credit is crapola on a stick, thanks to being freshly out of a BK, we have to put down some money to get financed and we will be a little limited in our choices, this time around. But, in the future, as out credit improves, we will have more options. So, time to start at the bottom and work up, again.

Anywhoozles, the Jeep was listed for 1,750. A fair price, it wasn't new, by any means but it was a good, solid, dependable SUV, had imperfect but intact paint, no rust or dents and it was clean and had icy cold A/C (a real boon, in this neck of the woods). We got call on it and William and the man went around a bit about price and payment. The guy is having a bit of a tough time and is about to relinquish his present vehicle back to his lender and he really needed something else. At first, they agreed on 1,500. I thought it was fair and William was even going to let the guy pay $500 three times, park the Jeep in the garage and hold the funds until it was fully paid, to make it easier for the guy to buy it. Well, somehow that kind of fell through but then he called back late this afternoon and said that he was able to scrape together a thousand.

Here is where Mr. Soft Touch came back to life. And decided to just sell the Jeep to the guy for a thousand. Seven hundred and fifty dollars less than the asking price.

Sucker.

Soft touch.

Compassionate.

Empathetic.

Did the right thing.

And I am proud of him.

The sucker.

The buyer got the vehicle he very much needed and we have a grand towards our down payment. We'll have to come up with a little more but it's doable.

I just hope that William didn't get played. I don't think that he did. I don't get that feeling and I usually get feelings about people and situations. I was hoping to have the full down payment we needed and a few extra clams. There were some cute workout clothes on the Avenue site I kinda had my heart set on. They were even on sale, dang it. Oh well. I'll just go with what I have and it's all good.

We have been a little bit busy getting some projects done and doing the shopping and looking around at new places to live and so forth. We found one place that would have been terrific. Hardwood floors, three nice sized bedrooms, two baths, lovely kitchen, larger living room, pretty master suite for a very affordable rent (for this area, especially) but it was AAO. We could probably have talked them into letting us have the cat but the dog would have been out of the question. A couple of other possibilities also fell through for that reason. Also, Sabryna is having some tough days and we think that trying to move her would just be too hard for her to take so we have decided to just hang here until she throws off this mortal coil. She doesn't have too terribly long and we just want her remaining days to be as comfortable, happy and peaceful as possible. After she has moved on, we will begin the hunt, again. When the time is right something will turn up. It always does. And it is more important to us that Sabryna has this time in peace and comfort.

It has been mad windy all day today and it is supposed to be windy tomorrow and only in the mid sixties. Must have a little low moving through. As far as I know we aren't supposed to get any rain. Just wind and a few clouds. The cool break will be nice. The wind and cooler temps are lovely and I like not having to run the A/C.

William goes back to work on Tuesday. It hasn't been too heinous having him around but I am looking forward to the return of my peaceful and routine days.

I wonder if Draz did BYOC this week? I'll have to go reading and find out.

I Am In Hell

The smoke from that fire is so bad. My throat, nose eyes and lungs are burning. The sky looks like watered milk most of the time and it is hard to breathe. It is just miserable living here, right now. I would love to track down the asshole who started that fire and kick his ass. I hope that the forest service gets it under control and out, soon. I am soooo over this.

I had a fairly quiet day, today. Did some housework, a load of laundry and watched a lot of TV and bloated my wishlist on Amazon. Oh yes, I have the most exciting life.

Ever.

Eating? Eh... Okay-ish.

I am looking forward to cleaner air so that I can goo walking, again. Right now I can barely breathe in my house I can't imagine trying to log miles out in that smoke filled soup we are calling air, right now.

Sabryna is getting worse. She is having more and more trouble walking. I told William today that I felt that it is time that we make an end of life plan for her. He won't discuss it. I am so frustrated with him. I hate the thought that my dog is old and breaking down, rapidly but it pisses me off that he is acting like a kid about it, refusing to see the reality of the situation and supporting me in this. I have to be the heavy, the mean one, the one who thinks practically while he keeps insisting that she is doing fine and having more good days than not. She isn't. She is having more tough days than not. Her appetite is decreasing, she sleeps more and more and some days she just looks miserable. How much longer is he going to insist that everything is fine? He needs to grow the fuck up, yank his balls down where they belong and join me in being an adult about this.

After Sabryna passes on, I don't want anymore dogs for a good, long while. They are wonderful to have as part of the family but they get old and break down and it is so hard and so sad and I don't even want to think about going through it, yet again.

Only six days and William goes back to work.

Well, That Didn't Work

Well, my attempt to photograph the eclipse was a big, fat fail. All I got was balls of light, not eclipse. My camera sucks and so do I. I have a lot to learn and I need a better camera. I sat outside, in the heat, breathing the smoke from that damned fire and my neighbour's cigarettes hoping that I'd have fab shots to show off.

Oh well.

Chicken done on the Foreman grill for dinner, tonight. Nom, nom, nom.

My head. She is bad.

Sunday. Eclipse Day

I am going to try to get eclipse pics, tonight. The best viewing time for my area is supposed to start around 5:25. Since it is going to start then, I should be able to see the whole thing from my front balcony before the sun sets behind the hill and won't need to drive out somewhere. *fingers crossed* William hates to have to go out somewhere to see something and was resisting my plans to drive out Iron Spring Road to find a spot that had a clear line of sight all the way to the horizon with no hills in the way. I still think that I should go out there but...

I have lost my fight, when it comes to his stubborn assholeness. I am over trying. It is amazing how the human being has the capacity to just shut down and not feel, after a while, isn't it?

I am going to go get in the shower, get ready and go do a little shopping. I have a 30% award for CVS that has to be used today and a few other things to do. And if I don't get out of this house, I am going to go starkers.

Yesterday was a pretty goo day... I came in just under 1900 calories for the day. Not stellar but I am pleased with myself for maintaining some manner of control and not blowing it out. I am not going to punish myself for not being perfect. I am going to praise myself for doing better. Interesting concept, that.