Monday, June 11, 2012

Isn't it Ironic?

Yes, I know that there is nothing truly ironic in this song. ;) But the title fits so, calm your tits. :P

Once again I am a neglectful of this blog and it should take me out and sue me. But it won't. Because it loves me. I have been busy and didn't really think that there was a hell of a lot to talk about, as I am just about the most boring person on the planet. But yeah, lets see...

We finally bought a new washer and dryer. Ouch! More money than I really wanted to spend but they are good machines and should last us a long, long time. We needed them so, we had to bite the bullet. We also finally got a "new" car. It's a 2009 Hyundai Elantra. Surprisingly nice car. When William came in the house and told me that he had brought a car home for me to look at, I asked him what it was and when he said, "Hyundai", I said, "Oh... HELL NO!!!"

I was thinking cheap piece of tin shit Rodney King Hyundai junk car. But I went out to the driveway and took a look at it. And I have to admit, I like it. It isn't my dream car, by any stretch of the imagination but it is nice. It is solid, well built, quite pretty, with it's shiny silver paint and matte black trim and dark, dark tinted windows. It has all of the amenities we wanted, except for a moon roof. Power everything, fifty thousand air bags, rides and drives really nice. It only has 41,000 miles on a 100,000 mile warranty and it was really clean. Owned previously by an older couple who took very good care of it. It gets super mileage, too. It just sips the gas, unlike that freak of a Jeep we used to have. 

And, it has free XM/Sirious radio for as long as we own the car. Which kinda sorta a lot rocks. Paired with the CD player, we always have plenty of tunes. 

As I said before, a Hyundai is hardly my idea of a dream car but it is a good car that will serve us well and it was an excellent deal. We got a very good price on it, the payment, with gap coverage came in under our comfortable payment cap and by paying on this car, we are re building our shittastic post Ch. 13 credit ratings. The interest rate on the financing is pretty brutal. Thanks to the aforementioned shittastic credit. But thanks to the fact that William has a dependable job, has been there a long, long time a reputable lender took a chance on us.

Other than that, there have been car rides, because I am like a dog with gasoline fever and I like to go for rides, I have been swatching a lot of polishes for my Nail Parlour, and just living life and being boring. 

I have this nasty sore throat. I got it Saturday morning. Ugh! It sucks! Hurts sooo bad. I hate getting a sore throat and have been getting a lot of them, lately. I was going to go see my doc, today but I was feeling better, earlier then after her office was closed, I was feeling a lot worse, again so I went to the Urgent Care and got seen. They did a rapid strep test. Negative. Yeah. I knew it wasn't strep. I've had strep. A couple of times. You know it if you get it. lol It's viral, I was instructed to take Advil PM and gargle with warm salt water. Gee, thanks, doc. I am still in fucking pain, here. Swallowing is hell, thankyouverymuch. Fucking virus.

He also said that my tonsils are big. Yeah. My doc also told me that. And that I might, like some ten year old, need them out some day. Good times. :P

So, after I want to Walgreen's to pick up my Advil Cold and Sinus, okay, want to know what a makeup whore I am? I checked out the displays on the way in and out. Oh, yeah. Sicker than a dog, can't swallow but by George, Revlon is BOGO !/2 so I grabbed one of the Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stains and a Color Stay Shadow Stick. I am a sick, sick woman, let me tell ya. 

And can I just talk about the process of getting Advil PM??? I had to get it from the pharmacy counter, give him my driver's license, have my signature run through some database just to buy an OTC medication recommended by my doctor. Thanks, meth cooking assholes.

So, we went to Circle K after I left Walgreen's so William could buy a couple of doughnuts and a lottery ticket. He got a crossword.

Guess what the fucking bonus word was?


Now, that's ironic.

Sunday, June 3, 2012


I got them done, yesterday.

In a salon.

For the first time in twelve years, I walked into an actual salon.

It was frightening for me. I sat in the car and debated with myself for a while before I got out and walked to the door. I was so afraid that the staff would take one look at me and everyone would suddenly be too busy, because no one would want to touch the freaky long hair on the big, ugly fat broad. I did have one of those moments. I went in as a walk in because I was too chicken shit to make an appointment and then dread it and cancel, as I am wont to do. So I just made myself go in. The gal in the station closest to the door was friendly but busy with a client. she asked me a few general questions about what I would like then suggested that I go back and ask the other stylist on staff if she could take me as she was just wrapping up her client and should have the time. When I went back, tho that stylist told me that she couldn't because she was leaving to go do something with her sons.

What I heard, briefly, in my sick, twisted mind was, "No fucking way do I want to bother with you, you hideous hag".

Nice of me to pin something like that on a total stranger, huh? A total stranger who was, even tho she didn't have the time to do my hair, herself, perfectly nice about it. Yeah. The games I play with myself. The things I say in my head.

The first stylist I talked to was able to fit me in a little later yesterday afternoon, so I went back and got my roots lightened. I was so uncomfortable, at first, but as my appointment went on I got more comfortable and started to relax and stopped fearing judgement and hatred, which I certainly did not receive in any measure; she was perfectly lovely and friendly to me. I really like the stylist who did my hair and made a return appointment for my next roots touch up. I think that I actually have a stylist, now. Isn't that funny? And kind of great?

I always assume that when people meet me they are going to hate me on sight. Not only because of the fact that I am less then fabulous, but because I am not very likable. Stupid holdovers that I believe from my childhood. A childhood in which I was relentlessly bullied in school and came to believe, deep in my core that I was, still am, the things they called me. Stupid. Ugly. Weird. Useless. Unworthy.

I am proud of myself for ignoring the voices in my head (not actual voices in my head... Don't worry lol) and doing something that I wanted to do. Regardless of my weight or the fact that I didn't have the "right" clothes or a huge pile of money in my wallet, I did it. And I had a lovely time and I have fresh, bright roots.


A small one, to be sure.

But it is still a win.

I wonder if there will ever come a time when I don't automatically believe that the moment someone lays eyes on me that they hate me, instantly? Will I ever find confidence in myself? Regain my free, fearless spirit? Are they gone? Or just buried? And how the hell do I find out? And get them back?

Maybe yesterday was one small step in that direction.

I hope so. Because I am so sick of the me that I've become. I want my old me back. The me before.

Where is she?

Friday, June 1, 2012

Happy June and All That Shit and... Oh Yeah... BYOC

So, June has arrived. Summer is here, for all intents and purposes and I still can't wear shorts. My own fucking fault and that is all I am going to say about that, right now.

I think that I did better blogging, last month and I am going too do even better, this month. I really allowed myself too neglect this part of my life routine this year and I am pissed at myself for it. I need to do this, even if it is just a few words or a music video or to pop in really quick and vent my spleen at what a dick Mitt Romney is being. Well, maybe I'll leave the political type rants out of it... This blog is supposed to be a fairly neutral place, but it is an election year...;P :D

Speaking of music videos...

A little something to listen to while I open the doors to my nuthouse. :D

 Okay, let's do BYOC, shall we?

1. Are you a daily purse switcher, an often purse buyer or a one purse kind of woman? What factors influence your purse buying?

This is a sore subject with me. I love handbags. I love beautiful materials, lovely design and the smell of fine leather when I carry a great bag. Sadly, I just don't have the money to indulge my passion. I do have one really "good" bag and a mid level bag that I have carried right into the ground. I would own a room full of gorgeous purses, if I could afford them. And, if I had them then I would swatch them up frequently. I believe that beautiful things should be used, not locked away. I have just a couple of nice bags, right now and I switch back and forth between them, from time to time. 

My budget definitely influences my purse buying. lol

 2. What’s your favorite board game?
 I love Battleship. I almost never lose. I have a natural knack for strategy and I can tap into that to sink all of your battleships. And I do. Swiftly. Ruthlessly. :D

3. Are you a sore loser who throws fits or a gracious winner? Are you competitive?

I am very competitive. I like to win and I enjoy the hell out of triumph. But I don't over celebrate or rub your nose in it. I am highly annoyed by all of the over celebrating you see in professional team sports, these days. Fireworks and dogpiles after a routine, mid season win? Teebowing? Really???? Please. Get over yourselves and be professionals and save the big rah-rah's for championships.

I am a very good sport and can be honestly gracious in defeat. I don't claim to be a paragon of perfection, by any means, I feel the sting of defeat just as sharply as anyone but I am capable of compartmentalizing it and being lovely to the person who just kicked my ass.

Unless it was at Battleship. Then you die. ;)

 4. Tell us something you are afraid of that is a physical item…like spiders, deep water, heights, snakes, thunderstorms, first dates, childbirth, etc.

Heights. I am absolutely terrified of heights. Just seeing the look down on TV or in a movie can freak me out and leave me sitting there petrified and frozen. If I see someone on TV being compelled to "face their fear" and bunjy jump or repel or something equally horrifying, I sit there, shaking and crying and hoping that they don't die. I will balk at the top of a strange staircase, grab the bannister and have to nerve myself up to take that first step down. It took me months to get comfortable with the stairs in my own home and I still get jittery of them, even tho I am up and down them over and over every day. I can't be in the vicinity of those stairs in the dark, as I am convinced that I will fall if I take a step. I grab the wall and just hang there, frozen, unable to move for fear I will die. Going up in a tall building is an ordeal for me, I can't go near windows if I am above the second floor, rooftops and glass enclosed indoor or outdoor elevators are unthinkable. Ladders? No freaking way and don't even ask me to climb up on a chair and change a light bulb. 

Want to hear something insane?  I love roller coasters and flying. Phobias are about perception of danger and I feel safe in roller coasters and airplanes. 

I am also creeped out by spiders, tho I can wade in and make them buy the farm if they dare darken my door. But I do it shuddering and squealing the entire time. And clowns creep me out. Big time. Clowns are nasty things and they need to just go away.

5. I am going to ask my own question, this time... What would you say to your fourteen year old self?

It wasn't your fault. You have the right to release it. 

And... stay fearless. Don't ever lose that. Don't give it away and allow yourself to become so limited. You will live to regret it. 

 How the fuck do I get my font back to normal after copy and pasting the BYOC questions? I can change the colour but I can't get rid of the bold to save my worthless life. Gah! So stupid.

I love the cocktail inspired Crystal Light. I have the Appletini and I really like it. Now I need to get the other two flavours. Methinks I will enjoy them as well. 

Great. I have to pee, again.

Stupid water, anyway.