I like to watch YouTube videos. I have eclectic taste and an insatiable desire to know a little bit about just about everything. I bounce from subject to subject, watching videos, taking in different points of view and chewing things over. I especially enjoy beauty videos. I am subscribed to a shitload of so called "gurus" and I have to admit, I have been massively enabled; something I don't really mind, since I love makeup and I have learned new techniques. My shadow application and blending, for instance... I was always pretty good at it but now... Much better. And I can actually lay down a right fawncy liquid line. Something that eluded me for years. My secret? Loreal Lineur Intense liquid liner. The one with the felt tip applicator. It;s fab. Blackest black and so easy to use. Even I can't muck it up.
It is still lovely, here. There were clouds, rain, possibly snow in the forecast for early next week. No longer. It is supposed to remain clear and nice. I have to say I am not complaining. Sure, this lack of precip and snow is going to be a huge problem, come fire season. The forest is going to be as dry as a tinderbox. But I just can't hate this weather. I want to. But I can't. And I usually love cloudy days.
I am slowly gathering together all of the supplies I need to press and palette all of my Bare Minerals makeup. I was an avid mineral makeup only user for over a decade. Loved the stuff. then, my skin changed and the foundation was no longer suitable. I branched out to liquid and cremes and started buying different kinds of shadows, blushes and so forth, as well. So I have a crap ton of little jars of mineral beauty that I m just over messing around with. I love the colours, I am just over the loose powder. And I certainly have no intention of tossing them. I invested a good bit of money in that makeup. I am going to press it all and put the pans in palettes. I will still be able to enjoy all of my pretties and they will be so much easier to use, store and take along with me. I'll yak more about that when I actually get to it. :D
I had a pretty crappy day, yesterday. I didn't go all hog wild. There weren't burgers, or anything but there was some nasty good popcorn. Orville Reddenbacher's Movie Theatre Butter with the pour over stuff? Yeah. Baaaad. I have a popcorn and nasty fake butter hangover, this morning. I had some chips, too. Blech.
I am making so many typos that my page is covered in little wavy red lines. That is what I get for downing three huge mugs of coffee, this morning. I feel as if I am going to vibrate right off my sofa. But boy, am I ever wide awake. lol Yes, I know that I am committing grammatical homicide. Sue me.
Mmm... Water. It does a body good. *lame*
Who's watching The Biggest Loser? I am! I am. *waving hand in the air* I see that this season is another one full of everything I love and hate about the show. You have couples. Again. *sigh* isn't that concept a little played out, already? I am so over the family/best friend teams of two. Together, pitted against one another. Whatever. I am so tired of waaah, waahhh, I have to save my son/daughter/husband/wife cry, cry, cry. Blech. Enough, with the couples, already! Bring in a houseful of total strangers and let them duke it out. Now, that is fun to watch! I see that we have a new House Asshole. Typical big, tall, fat, arrogant asshole. Thinks that he rules the place and has already won it and is not afraid to run his big mouth. Guys like this piss me off. And when they win... *cough* John from last season. *cough* It pisses me off, even more. In my not so humble opinion, a truly strong, confident man doesn't need to be an arrogant asshole. He exudes that confidence quietly. Earns respect through a certain elegance of self and is naturally charismatic. Men like John and Patrick from a few seasons back? Not so much.
Project Runway is back. All Stars, this time. No Heidi or Tim, tho. Huh??? I love Heidi and Tim! They are like peanut butter and jelly on the runway. And what is a judging panel without Michael Kors? I don't know how I feel about this new team. We'll see what happens, I suppose. I am tickled to see Austin Scarlett, Sweet P and Rami Kashou and Kara Janx again. They were some of my faves in seasons past.
I think that my brain is buzzing as hard as my fingers are. lol
Showing posts with label Bad Day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bad Day. Show all posts
Friday, January 6, 2012
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Two More Loads
*sigh* Two more loads of laundry, today. Then I am done, for a few days.
William's vacation continues. He is around and underfoot and coming dangerously close to losing his life. The unrelenting channel surfing, the Westerns, the old game shows. He has amused himself going through all of the papers and shredding stuff that needed to go, he cleaned windows, cleaned the cars, he cleans the house for me, every morning. He is in need of stuff to do. He is in need of going back to work.
I ate like an idiot, yesterday. I did well until evening. Then the stupid, mindless snacking began. I wanted to shoot myself, when I was done. I still do stupid stuff. But I did drink all of my water, like a good girl so that is something... :P
When are the tornadoes going to be done with the poor people in the South? I see the coverage on TV and it is just devastating. I hope that all of my fellow bloggers are safe and sound. And I hope that these storms end, soon and no one else is hurt or killed. Those of you in the path of these storms, batten down the hatches, obey the warnings and stay safe!
It is nice and sunny, here and the wind is fairly quiet, right now. Hopefully it will warm up, a bit. It was cool, yesterday and cold, last night. Our nighttime lows are still hitting the thirties, some nights.
Okay, time to go toss stuff in my dryer and hit the loo. (Water, you know...)
William's vacation continues. He is around and underfoot and coming dangerously close to losing his life. The unrelenting channel surfing, the Westerns, the old game shows. He has amused himself going through all of the papers and shredding stuff that needed to go, he cleaned windows, cleaned the cars, he cleans the house for me, every morning. He is in need of stuff to do. He is in need of going back to work.
I ate like an idiot, yesterday. I did well until evening. Then the stupid, mindless snacking began. I wanted to shoot myself, when I was done. I still do stupid stuff. But I did drink all of my water, like a good girl so that is something... :P
When are the tornadoes going to be done with the poor people in the South? I see the coverage on TV and it is just devastating. I hope that all of my fellow bloggers are safe and sound. And I hope that these storms end, soon and no one else is hurt or killed. Those of you in the path of these storms, batten down the hatches, obey the warnings and stay safe!
It is nice and sunny, here and the wind is fairly quiet, right now. Hopefully it will warm up, a bit. It was cool, yesterday and cold, last night. Our nighttime lows are still hitting the thirties, some nights.
Okay, time to go toss stuff in my dryer and hit the loo. (Water, you know...)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Discombobulated
I got some rather bad news, today about someone very close to me. I am numb, right now. Trying to process, trying to accept, fearing the worst but also hoping and praying for the best. I am sorry to be cryptic but this person is extremely private and wouldn't appreciate being blogged about in any detail and I am going to respect their wishes and say nothing more about them, here. I just wanted you to know that I am a little discombobulated, right now.
I started feeling, earlier. Fear. Pain. Sadness. All normal emotions under the circumstances and my first impulse, indeed my first actions as I started to feel this flood was to dam it with food. I grabbed a fudge pop. Nada. No help. So, next came the cheese puffs. I downed three servings worth. (And yes, I counted the calories! :)) Nothing. Food doesn't work, anymore. I can't drug out on it, anymore. I am going to have to work through this and feel my way through it just like everyone else. One day at a time, one emotion at a time. And, I am not going to hurt myself with food. That is the wrong approach and I am not going there. The cheese puffs taught me that. This is one fucking shitty way to learn that food is just food, full stop for me, now. My loved one would definitely appreciate the irony. lol
So, if I take a day or three away, I am not falling off the wagon or doing something bad. I am just taking a little time for me. I may or may not take a little break. I may just read, but not post. I may post until my fingers wear to the bones. At this point, I just don't know. A part of me wants to hide in a hole for a while. Another part knows that I need to stay out here, reach out and keep on keeping on. So, either way, please just know I am okay. Just... Discombobulated.
I started feeling, earlier. Fear. Pain. Sadness. All normal emotions under the circumstances and my first impulse, indeed my first actions as I started to feel this flood was to dam it with food. I grabbed a fudge pop. Nada. No help. So, next came the cheese puffs. I downed three servings worth. (And yes, I counted the calories! :)) Nothing. Food doesn't work, anymore. I can't drug out on it, anymore. I am going to have to work through this and feel my way through it just like everyone else. One day at a time, one emotion at a time. And, I am not going to hurt myself with food. That is the wrong approach and I am not going there. The cheese puffs taught me that. This is one fucking shitty way to learn that food is just food, full stop for me, now. My loved one would definitely appreciate the irony. lol
So, if I take a day or three away, I am not falling off the wagon or doing something bad. I am just taking a little time for me. I may or may not take a little break. I may just read, but not post. I may post until my fingers wear to the bones. At this point, I just don't know. A part of me wants to hide in a hole for a while. Another part knows that I need to stay out here, reach out and keep on keeping on. So, either way, please just know I am okay. Just... Discombobulated.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Insanity
I am being driven insane. By my own idiocy and my scale. Today, my weight is 291. I know that I am not eating enough calories to have gained three pounds. The only thing I can think of is that the 288 was a fluke, aided by a fluid dump courtesy of my Lasix. Which means it wasn't a "real" weight loss. It was an illusion. I was so happy about it. It was a lie. And I am a failure. And here I sit... 291. *sigh*
Insane.:P
I have decided to withdraw from Allan's challenge. I am just bogging things down. I am not losing to expectations, I can't buy and eat to the exact menus posted (I am not allowed that control over the shopping. I am allowed to go to the store on occasion but I can't really make the grocery decisions. I have to do my thing with the limited healthy, lo cal foods I am provided or allowed to buy.) and I am just wasting his time. I wish everyone in the challenge good luck and I am still going to read and cheer everyone on and be inspired by you all, as always. But I just need to do my thing and not waste Allan's time and keep tying myself in knots over not doing everything right.
I am so mad at myself, right now. I am a failure of epic proportions.
My head is starting to bang. And I just feel like crawling into a dark hole, somewhere and hiding and crying for about a month. I'm not going to... I am going to suck it up and get on with it. I just need to sit here and drink my coffee, watch some mindless tube and pout for a while.
Insane.:P
I have decided to withdraw from Allan's challenge. I am just bogging things down. I am not losing to expectations, I can't buy and eat to the exact menus posted (I am not allowed that control over the shopping. I am allowed to go to the store on occasion but I can't really make the grocery decisions. I have to do my thing with the limited healthy, lo cal foods I am provided or allowed to buy.) and I am just wasting his time. I wish everyone in the challenge good luck and I am still going to read and cheer everyone on and be inspired by you all, as always. But I just need to do my thing and not waste Allan's time and keep tying myself in knots over not doing everything right.
I am so mad at myself, right now. I am a failure of epic proportions.
My head is starting to bang. And I just feel like crawling into a dark hole, somewhere and hiding and crying for about a month. I'm not going to... I am going to suck it up and get on with it. I just need to sit here and drink my coffee, watch some mindless tube and pout for a while.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Been a Few, Huh?
I am just not feeling all that chatty. Nothing really wrong, or anything. I am fighting with my eating, again. *sigh* Nothing outrageous but I am not happy with myself. I feel so stupid. I know better and how to do better. But I make the wrong choices. It is almost as if I want to fail? It feels weird and wrong. And I am working through it.
I think I need to get rid of my soy sauce. I use light soy, less sodium but it still makes me swell up like a poisoned dog. And if it is in my house, I am going to use it. Time to kiss it goodbye. I had to take a whole Lasix, this morning, for the puffiness. Not good. I am slamming water and have my feet up... Ugh!
It is warm, today. Sunny and clear as a bell and just lovely. It is supposed to hit 73 for a high, this afternoon. Love it! I am just hoping this isn't a Spring tease. I have a nasty feeling that Old Man Winter isn't quite finished with us. We usually get some noce weather, start thinking the worst is over, then it gets cold again. And sometimes we get a nice, late snow dumped on us for good measure, too.
I am reading a good deal about food addiction, lately. No doubt it exists. I am a food addict. And I am struggling with that, lately. But I can't sit here and blame the addiction for my choices. Ultimately, I am responsible for those choices. Addiction or not. An alcoholic chooses to take a drink. A drug addict chooses to shoot up. I chose to stand in front of my pantry cabinet and eat some cheese puffs, yesterday. No one held a gun to my head. I chose it. I have to take responsibility for that choice, addiction or not. A large part of recovering from an addiction is taking responsibility for choices made. Knowing that yes, we have an addiction but we still make the decision to indulge in the drug, drink or food of choice.
I am so sick of my bullshit. Seriously. Some days I want to slap the shit out of myself. I would happily slap the shit out of someone else behaving as I do. I would gladly slap them a royal one, shout "Wake the fuck up!" and remind them that this is their life they are fighting for, here. So, I have to willing to slap the shit out of myself, shout to myself to "Wake the fuck up!" and remind myself that this is my life I am fighting for, here. I need my gallbladder out. I need to get the pressure of extreme weight off my trashed hips and knees. I desperately need to get the pressure of extreme weigh off my poor hips and knees. I need to get this done. And I don't need to be indulging in food fuckery and slowing my progress and harming myself, making my hips and knees live in this over sized body any longer than they have to.
I have a job to do. Time to dummy up and deal.
*sigh*
My hips hurt so bad yesterday that I finally put in a call to my doc to get her okay on using NSAIDS and Lasix together. She gave me the go ahead and I now have sweet relief from the pain. Even my hamburger knees feel a little better. I might actually feel good enough to get out and take a walk, later. I have been hobbling around for almost a week, it feels good to be able to move freely, again.
Okay, I need to go toss Sabryna's beddies cover in the dryer and hit the head. I am peeing like a racehorse.
I think I need to get rid of my soy sauce. I use light soy, less sodium but it still makes me swell up like a poisoned dog. And if it is in my house, I am going to use it. Time to kiss it goodbye. I had to take a whole Lasix, this morning, for the puffiness. Not good. I am slamming water and have my feet up... Ugh!
It is warm, today. Sunny and clear as a bell and just lovely. It is supposed to hit 73 for a high, this afternoon. Love it! I am just hoping this isn't a Spring tease. I have a nasty feeling that Old Man Winter isn't quite finished with us. We usually get some noce weather, start thinking the worst is over, then it gets cold again. And sometimes we get a nice, late snow dumped on us for good measure, too.
I am reading a good deal about food addiction, lately. No doubt it exists. I am a food addict. And I am struggling with that, lately. But I can't sit here and blame the addiction for my choices. Ultimately, I am responsible for those choices. Addiction or not. An alcoholic chooses to take a drink. A drug addict chooses to shoot up. I chose to stand in front of my pantry cabinet and eat some cheese puffs, yesterday. No one held a gun to my head. I chose it. I have to take responsibility for that choice, addiction or not. A large part of recovering from an addiction is taking responsibility for choices made. Knowing that yes, we have an addiction but we still make the decision to indulge in the drug, drink or food of choice.
I am so sick of my bullshit. Seriously. Some days I want to slap the shit out of myself. I would happily slap the shit out of someone else behaving as I do. I would gladly slap them a royal one, shout "Wake the fuck up!" and remind them that this is their life they are fighting for, here. So, I have to willing to slap the shit out of myself, shout to myself to "Wake the fuck up!" and remind myself that this is my life I am fighting for, here. I need my gallbladder out. I need to get the pressure of extreme weight off my trashed hips and knees. I desperately need to get the pressure of extreme weigh off my poor hips and knees. I need to get this done. And I don't need to be indulging in food fuckery and slowing my progress and harming myself, making my hips and knees live in this over sized body any longer than they have to.
I have a job to do. Time to dummy up and deal.
*sigh*
My hips hurt so bad yesterday that I finally put in a call to my doc to get her okay on using NSAIDS and Lasix together. She gave me the go ahead and I now have sweet relief from the pain. Even my hamburger knees feel a little better. I might actually feel good enough to get out and take a walk, later. I have been hobbling around for almost a week, it feels good to be able to move freely, again.
Okay, I need to go toss Sabryna's beddies cover in the dryer and hit the head. I am peeing like a racehorse.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Struggling
I blew it again, last night. Calories were over 2000. Again. I got on the scale, this morning. I am up a pound.
I just want to cry. And binge. And cry, some more.
Allan, I know that this is cut week. If you need to bounce my ass, go ahead. No hard feelings. I am a failure.
I am going to have my coffee and then get on my glider. I don't know... Maybe some exercise will help my attitude.
Or... Maybe I'll eat myself into a coma. At this point, I just don't know.
Actually, I do know. I am not giving up and I am not going to binge. But I am probably going to cry. lol
Okay, I am going to have my coffee, now.
I just want to cry. And binge. And cry, some more.
Allan, I know that this is cut week. If you need to bounce my ass, go ahead. No hard feelings. I am a failure.
I am going to have my coffee and then get on my glider. I don't know... Maybe some exercise will help my attitude.
Or... Maybe I'll eat myself into a coma. At this point, I just don't know.
Actually, I do know. I am not giving up and I am not going to binge. But I am probably going to cry. lol
Okay, I am going to have my coffee, now.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Lost in a Time Warp
Yesterday totally got away from me and went by in a flash. I got things done but didn't get much extra done or spend much time online. It was just a weird day. Kind of otherworldly
Yesterday wasn't a good day, food wise. I ended up at nearly 1500 calories. And didn't get all of my water. I was just careless and not paying attention. (Not whining to make you mental, Allen... ;) :P Just being accountable.) Shows to go me that I still have a shit load of work to do on myself and lessons to learn. Ongoing process. Maybe one day I will finally get it all right. lol My food is good, today and my water is going down as planned, as well. This will be a better day.
I don't get why I am struggling so much and so resistant. I am just going to have to work it out. My success and health are too important to not get this right.
On Sunday I decided that I wanted to take the downstairs master suite for myself and kick Pookey upstairs to the room I was inhabiting. I can now get up and down the stairs easily and decided that I wanted more space. And that big closet! Not to mention my own bathroom. Sharing one with a husband is bad for a marriage. Having my space downstairs also gives me a little much needed distance. A place where I can spread out a little and have my own time without thinking about the house, others persons in it and all of what I have to do on a daily basis. It is working out very nicely.
The switch wasn't without it's hitches. Moving Pookey's furniture up the stairs and mine down was a lot of work for the boyz. When they were bringing my dresser down, I heard them coming down the stairs with it and peeked out my door and there they are, nearly at the bottom and my dresser was upside down! And they didn't even notice. lol Wow, such observant men I have, here. lol It was no biggie, as all that was in there is clothes. They just got tossed around and disorganized. I thought it was funny that they didn't see it, tho.
One thing that wasn't so funny was when I tried to take an armful of stuff down the stairs. I had a big basket with no handles full of stuff with some hangars balanced on top and my old HP lappie in a computer bag over my shoulder and was about to head down when I lost my balance. The basket and it's contents went flying, everything tumbling down the stairs. I thought, for one horrifying moment I was going to follow it but luckily I fell backward and landed hard on my ass. I gave my back a good, hard jarring and I was a bit sore, yesterday. My back feels better, today. Now, to let my knees adjust. They are griping a little but they are getting better, too. Going up and down those stairs so much is turning out to be really good for me. And I am adjusting to carrying loads up and down, too. No more falls. I should be a Sherpa, soon. :D
We are having a little bit of very lovely Springlike weather before the next storm comes barreling in later this week. Highs in the upper sixties, near seventy. Brilliantly sunny, soft breezes. Nice. The storm is supposed to bring rain. It had better just be rain! Snow... Do. Not. Want!
My washing machine is beginning to make strange noises on some cycles. So is my dryer. Lord, please don't let them break down anytime soon. That is not an expense I need at this point and time. Gah!
Okay, I have laundry going, I need to dust, vacuum my broadloom and do a few other things and I need a shower. I also need to make some time to do my nails and catch up with blogs.
Oh. I did a strand test to see if I could lighten my hair. Fail! It is just too dark and resistant. Long gone are the days when I could slop a box of dye on it and get perfect, shimmering blonde. It is time to go to a good salon and put my tresses in the hands of an expert colourist. I want my hair coloured but I just don't have the expertise to safely and successfully lighten and tone it on my own. Touch ups are tricky when you double process (and a huge pain in the ass, to boot!) and I don't want to screw it up and destroy my hair. Been there, done that, don't want to grow out yet another disaster. Besides, it would be nice to go in and have my hair done and get a little pampering on a regular basis.
Okay, must run. Stuff to get done. I'll catch all you fine folk later.
Yesterday wasn't a good day, food wise. I ended up at nearly 1500 calories. And didn't get all of my water. I was just careless and not paying attention. (Not whining to make you mental, Allen... ;) :P Just being accountable.) Shows to go me that I still have a shit load of work to do on myself and lessons to learn. Ongoing process. Maybe one day I will finally get it all right. lol My food is good, today and my water is going down as planned, as well. This will be a better day.
I don't get why I am struggling so much and so resistant. I am just going to have to work it out. My success and health are too important to not get this right.
On Sunday I decided that I wanted to take the downstairs master suite for myself and kick Pookey upstairs to the room I was inhabiting. I can now get up and down the stairs easily and decided that I wanted more space. And that big closet! Not to mention my own bathroom. Sharing one with a husband is bad for a marriage. Having my space downstairs also gives me a little much needed distance. A place where I can spread out a little and have my own time without thinking about the house, others persons in it and all of what I have to do on a daily basis. It is working out very nicely.
The switch wasn't without it's hitches. Moving Pookey's furniture up the stairs and mine down was a lot of work for the boyz. When they were bringing my dresser down, I heard them coming down the stairs with it and peeked out my door and there they are, nearly at the bottom and my dresser was upside down! And they didn't even notice. lol Wow, such observant men I have, here. lol It was no biggie, as all that was in there is clothes. They just got tossed around and disorganized. I thought it was funny that they didn't see it, tho.
One thing that wasn't so funny was when I tried to take an armful of stuff down the stairs. I had a big basket with no handles full of stuff with some hangars balanced on top and my old HP lappie in a computer bag over my shoulder and was about to head down when I lost my balance. The basket and it's contents went flying, everything tumbling down the stairs. I thought, for one horrifying moment I was going to follow it but luckily I fell backward and landed hard on my ass. I gave my back a good, hard jarring and I was a bit sore, yesterday. My back feels better, today. Now, to let my knees adjust. They are griping a little but they are getting better, too. Going up and down those stairs so much is turning out to be really good for me. And I am adjusting to carrying loads up and down, too. No more falls. I should be a Sherpa, soon. :D
We are having a little bit of very lovely Springlike weather before the next storm comes barreling in later this week. Highs in the upper sixties, near seventy. Brilliantly sunny, soft breezes. Nice. The storm is supposed to bring rain. It had better just be rain! Snow... Do. Not. Want!
My washing machine is beginning to make strange noises on some cycles. So is my dryer. Lord, please don't let them break down anytime soon. That is not an expense I need at this point and time. Gah!
Okay, I have laundry going, I need to dust, vacuum my broadloom and do a few other things and I need a shower. I also need to make some time to do my nails and catch up with blogs.
Oh. I did a strand test to see if I could lighten my hair. Fail! It is just too dark and resistant. Long gone are the days when I could slop a box of dye on it and get perfect, shimmering blonde. It is time to go to a good salon and put my tresses in the hands of an expert colourist. I want my hair coloured but I just don't have the expertise to safely and successfully lighten and tone it on my own. Touch ups are tricky when you double process (and a huge pain in the ass, to boot!) and I don't want to screw it up and destroy my hair. Been there, done that, don't want to grow out yet another disaster. Besides, it would be nice to go in and have my hair done and get a little pampering on a regular basis.
Okay, must run. Stuff to get done. I'll catch all you fine folk later.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Three Day Freak Out
The last three days are solidly in the Fail column. I got to or slightly exceeded 2000 calories each day. Oh, yes. You read that right. I know that 2000 calories won't put weight on my frame. But it sure as hell didn't do me any damned good. Add in my fucking edema and I am back up to 298, this morning.
Fuck.
I don't know why I got into the head space I did. I think that part of it was the pressure I was putting on myself. I tend to do that. Then when I release it... Implosion. Something new I have learned about myself. Ease up on the pressure I place on myself, stop fretting and just accept the fact that I can do this and I am doing this and I don't need to allow what anyone thinks make me put additional pressure on myself.
Speaking of pressure... *tongue in cheek, here* I am in it for Allan's Phase Five. In spite if my crying about pressure, I like structure, I can do 1200 calories a day (in spite of the last three days throwing a big black mark on my record) and I am competitive. And I want the prize for highest percentage of weight loss.
That leads me to yes, I am back on track. Mentally, I am calmer, no longer freaking out, not fighting bullshit cravings, not feeling pressure. Just level, again. I am still waiting for the Lasix to kick in. I take it, every day with the potassium and drink huge amounts of water and wait. If I reach Monday with no joy, I will call my doctor.
Brekkie was a cup of coffee, a Mackintosh apple and a Fage with a little Splenda. I am drinking my water. I fell a little short, yesterday. Only five quarts. *sigh* Fail, again.
I didn't write the above for sympathy or validation. I am not looking for anyone to tell me it is okay. It isn't. I get that and I am just working through it. I still have a lot of work to do. But I am learning, building on my successes and my failures are hitting less and less often. I am not perfect. I never will be. But that is a hard lesson for me to get through my thick skull. And when I try, it messes with me a bit. But I am getting there.
Stupid head games I play with myself.
Okay, I need to flip on a little heat and warm it up in here so I can take my shower. Then I need to do my nails.
Fuck.
I don't know why I got into the head space I did. I think that part of it was the pressure I was putting on myself. I tend to do that. Then when I release it... Implosion. Something new I have learned about myself. Ease up on the pressure I place on myself, stop fretting and just accept the fact that I can do this and I am doing this and I don't need to allow what anyone thinks make me put additional pressure on myself.
Speaking of pressure... *tongue in cheek, here* I am in it for Allan's Phase Five. In spite if my crying about pressure, I like structure, I can do 1200 calories a day (in spite of the last three days throwing a big black mark on my record) and I am competitive. And I want the prize for highest percentage of weight loss.
That leads me to yes, I am back on track. Mentally, I am calmer, no longer freaking out, not fighting bullshit cravings, not feeling pressure. Just level, again. I am still waiting for the Lasix to kick in. I take it, every day with the potassium and drink huge amounts of water and wait. If I reach Monday with no joy, I will call my doctor.
Brekkie was a cup of coffee, a Mackintosh apple and a Fage with a little Splenda. I am drinking my water. I fell a little short, yesterday. Only five quarts. *sigh* Fail, again.
I didn't write the above for sympathy or validation. I am not looking for anyone to tell me it is okay. It isn't. I get that and I am just working through it. I still have a lot of work to do. But I am learning, building on my successes and my failures are hitting less and less often. I am not perfect. I never will be. But that is a hard lesson for me to get through my thick skull. And when I try, it messes with me a bit. But I am getting there.
Stupid head games I play with myself.
Okay, I need to flip on a little heat and warm it up in here so I can take my shower. Then I need to do my nails.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Obesogenes?
Are we buying this shit?
Look, I get that pesticides and sugar and HFCS are not good for us. Certain chemicals can be harmful to our bodies. Sugar, especially in large quantities cause weight gain, no question. But, do chemicals, dubbed Obesogens by some "experts" cause us to gain weight? Can we really blame chemicals and sugars for the change in our very way of thinking? Can we place at the doorsteps of these substances our bad behaviours and weight gain? Do chemicals and sugars actually go in and change us?
Are plastic containers making us fat? Are nonstick pans so profoundly damaging us that we are getting bigger and bigger? Is my nail polish causing me to not burn fat?
I'm not buying it. Not entirely. As I have said before, many chemicals and too much sugar are doubtless harmful but I don't think that it is healthy or smart to blame chemicals and sugar for the changes in our thinking, our behaviours. I blame myself. I allowed myself to abuse food as a reaction to external stressors. Plastic water bottles, HFCS and nail polish didn't make me do this. I made me do this.
Blaming chemicals and sugar for our obesity, placing the blame for our lousy eating patterns on these substances is dangerous. It is the Twinkie Defense in a fat brown wrapper. And if it becomes widespread "wisdom" it is going to do a lot of harm.
I didn't eat very well, yesterday. In fact, I would guess that my calorie level was pretty shitty. And it wasn't because I use plastic containers in my microwave or wear nail polish. It is because I made bad food choices of my very own volition. And I am choosing to make better choices, today.
I try to cut down on nasty chemicals as much as I can and I am not eating near the amount of sugar and HFCS I used to consume. I believe that these steps will help to enhance my health. But they won't "cure" my obesity. Only I can do this, by eating right, exercising, hydrating and working on the way my head and body work together.
I didn't eat as I should have, yesterday but I did get my water in. I didn't consume enough calories to gain weight. But I certainly did have enough to put a dent in my progress. I still have a lot of work to do. And I still have to repeat the lesson to myself that food isn't a drug, comfort, a friend, a lover or a way to amuse myself. It is fuel. Full stop. And to use it for any other purpose is abuse of myself, disrespect of who I am as a person and just plain stupid.
Obesogenes notwithstanding.
I have a load of laundry in the dryer and my house is clean. I got to polish furniture, this morning. Wheee! Sooo much fun, eh? It is chilly, cloudy and rainy, still. Tho it will be clearing my Friday and it is supposed to be sunny and sixty degrees on Christmas. Nice. The damned storm couldn't wait a couple of days, give us some clouds on Christmas, for a change? I am so sick of sunny Christmas days, I want rain, snow and nastiness. And I want it this year! *stamps foot and flounces off*
Okay, I need to wrap this borefest up, now. I have to pee and I want to read what you are all up to.
Later, dearlings.
Look, I get that pesticides and sugar and HFCS are not good for us. Certain chemicals can be harmful to our bodies. Sugar, especially in large quantities cause weight gain, no question. But, do chemicals, dubbed Obesogens by some "experts" cause us to gain weight? Can we really blame chemicals and sugars for the change in our very way of thinking? Can we place at the doorsteps of these substances our bad behaviours and weight gain? Do chemicals and sugars actually go in and change us?
Are plastic containers making us fat? Are nonstick pans so profoundly damaging us that we are getting bigger and bigger? Is my nail polish causing me to not burn fat?
I'm not buying it. Not entirely. As I have said before, many chemicals and too much sugar are doubtless harmful but I don't think that it is healthy or smart to blame chemicals and sugar for the changes in our thinking, our behaviours. I blame myself. I allowed myself to abuse food as a reaction to external stressors. Plastic water bottles, HFCS and nail polish didn't make me do this. I made me do this.
Blaming chemicals and sugar for our obesity, placing the blame for our lousy eating patterns on these substances is dangerous. It is the Twinkie Defense in a fat brown wrapper. And if it becomes widespread "wisdom" it is going to do a lot of harm.
I didn't eat very well, yesterday. In fact, I would guess that my calorie level was pretty shitty. And it wasn't because I use plastic containers in my microwave or wear nail polish. It is because I made bad food choices of my very own volition. And I am choosing to make better choices, today.
I try to cut down on nasty chemicals as much as I can and I am not eating near the amount of sugar and HFCS I used to consume. I believe that these steps will help to enhance my health. But they won't "cure" my obesity. Only I can do this, by eating right, exercising, hydrating and working on the way my head and body work together.
I didn't eat as I should have, yesterday but I did get my water in. I didn't consume enough calories to gain weight. But I certainly did have enough to put a dent in my progress. I still have a lot of work to do. And I still have to repeat the lesson to myself that food isn't a drug, comfort, a friend, a lover or a way to amuse myself. It is fuel. Full stop. And to use it for any other purpose is abuse of myself, disrespect of who I am as a person and just plain stupid.
Obesogenes notwithstanding.
I have a load of laundry in the dryer and my house is clean. I got to polish furniture, this morning. Wheee! Sooo much fun, eh? It is chilly, cloudy and rainy, still. Tho it will be clearing my Friday and it is supposed to be sunny and sixty degrees on Christmas. Nice. The damned storm couldn't wait a couple of days, give us some clouds on Christmas, for a change? I am so sick of sunny Christmas days, I want rain, snow and nastiness. And I want it this year! *stamps foot and flounces off*
Okay, I need to wrap this borefest up, now. I have to pee and I want to read what you are all up to.
Later, dearlings.
Monday, November 22, 2010
A Sunshiney Day
All of my beautiful rain and clouds have blown away and the sun is shining brightly. My lovely interlude is over.
My weekend, nutritionally wasn't so lovely. I didn't eat enough to gain weight but I certainly didn't eat to lose. I am frustrated with myself. I have really been struggling to stay on track and I don't know what my damage is. I do know that I am allowing myself to slide off track. And it is time to tighten the reigns and get myself back under control.
A lower calorie ceiling is called for. I keep allowing myself to get away with this oh, it is just a couple of hundred over and it is okay and it is getting out of control. So, back to my tougher target range. 1200 to 1400. 1400 is my ceiling. And it is not glass.
I have come too far, worked too hard to let myself go back, now. I will get past this. I just have to do it, soon.
I allowed myself to sleep in, this morning. I needed rest and some additional sleep. I should have gotten up at my usual time. When I came out to my kitchen to put on my teakettle, I saw that my laundry room floor was covered in dog vomit. It. Was. Disgusting. I had to clean up all that barf and wash my floor. The whole time, I was gagging and came dangerously close to adding to the mess. Blech! Gross! What a way to start my day.
At least I got a good night's sleep and actually feel rested. :P
So, yeah. Shitty weekend. Barfy morning. I hope that today is a little better. Food and dog stomach wise. lol
I have laundry to do. I suppose I should get to it.
Happy day.
My weekend, nutritionally wasn't so lovely. I didn't eat enough to gain weight but I certainly didn't eat to lose. I am frustrated with myself. I have really been struggling to stay on track and I don't know what my damage is. I do know that I am allowing myself to slide off track. And it is time to tighten the reigns and get myself back under control.
A lower calorie ceiling is called for. I keep allowing myself to get away with this oh, it is just a couple of hundred over and it is okay and it is getting out of control. So, back to my tougher target range. 1200 to 1400. 1400 is my ceiling. And it is not glass.
I have come too far, worked too hard to let myself go back, now. I will get past this. I just have to do it, soon.
I allowed myself to sleep in, this morning. I needed rest and some additional sleep. I should have gotten up at my usual time. When I came out to my kitchen to put on my teakettle, I saw that my laundry room floor was covered in dog vomit. It. Was. Disgusting. I had to clean up all that barf and wash my floor. The whole time, I was gagging and came dangerously close to adding to the mess. Blech! Gross! What a way to start my day.
At least I got a good night's sleep and actually feel rested. :P
So, yeah. Shitty weekend. Barfy morning. I hope that today is a little better. Food and dog stomach wise. lol
I have laundry to do. I suppose I should get to it.
Happy day.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I Didn't Post Yesterday, Did I?
Not too much to yap about, really. I had a kind of rough couple of days, eating wise. No bingeing but not on track, either. I am getting my shit back together... This is not the beginning of a slide or anything. Just being stupid. I used being upset at my husband, yesterday as an excuse.
Yeah, like that is a valid reason. Still haven't learned not to use food as a drug, have I? I still fall back into this old, bad pattern, on occasion. I don't do it often, anymore. I need to learn not to do it, at all.
*sigh*
Other than that, not too much going on around here. I need to get ready to go, in a bit. I have errands to run, shopping to do.
The Weather Channel has their graphics messed up. I just glanced up at the screen and they had Phoenix at 76 degrees and snowing. :P
Yeah, like that is a valid reason. Still haven't learned not to use food as a drug, have I? I still fall back into this old, bad pattern, on occasion. I don't do it often, anymore. I need to learn not to do it, at all.
*sigh*
Other than that, not too much going on around here. I need to get ready to go, in a bit. I have errands to run, shopping to do.
The Weather Channel has their graphics messed up. I just glanced up at the screen and they had Phoenix at 76 degrees and snowing. :P
Friday, November 12, 2010
Birthday, Feeding Frenzy, Cat Barf and a Boiled Snatch
My cat gave me the perfect Birthday present. A pile of barf under my dressing table.
Husband gave me a card.
I had a feeding frenzy, earlier. I got a hair up my ass and went off on myself a bit. Ya want to know what is fantastic and weird? Feeding frenzy is as far as I could go. I am no longer physically capable of bingeing. Cool, huh? I had too many calories, this afternoon but nowhere near the damage I had decided to do. All in all, it came in under 1000 calories. Some feeding frenzy, huh? lol I am over my snit and back on track.
Dinner will be a good healthy meal. Chicken, a little rice, veg.
Guess my Birthday freaked me out a bit more than I thought it would. lol Food didn't help. Lesson learned. Next time, try vodka. ;) :P
This danged face cream is going back! So is that useless eye roller goo thingy. Garnier skincare... Sucks. Big green donkey dicks. The cream is blah, makes my face red and my eyes itch and burn and the depuffing eye roller is useless. I don't know why I bought that... I don't have puffy eyes. I have dark circles. Anyhoozle, that is over twenty bucks going back into my pocket. And I can get my lovely Neutrogena. I am also returning that crap nail polish I applied, yesterday. If you see it in your local drugstore, Confetti nail polish is garbage. I am not a polish snob... I have a ton of inexpensive drugstore polish that I just adore. This particular brand blows.
So, have you ever boiled your snatch? I did, today. I was in the rare mood for a really hot shower, as hot as I could stand it and a nice steam. So, I fired up my shower and got my lobster on. Turned my little bathroom into a right proper swamp and enjoyed every moment of it. Until I went to rinse my lady bits. I went in with my handheld to take care of the job and... Eeeeeeeeyowch! Boiled snatch. Dumbass me forgot to turn the water temperature down before rinsing that most delicate of areas. I won't make that mistake, again. I still feel a little scalded.
I am glad that this day is almost over. I think I have had enough fun.
Time to go check my rice and chicken. I must be recovering from this afternoon, dinner actually smells good and my stomach is growling.
Later, gators. :)
Husband gave me a card.
I had a feeding frenzy, earlier. I got a hair up my ass and went off on myself a bit. Ya want to know what is fantastic and weird? Feeding frenzy is as far as I could go. I am no longer physically capable of bingeing. Cool, huh? I had too many calories, this afternoon but nowhere near the damage I had decided to do. All in all, it came in under 1000 calories. Some feeding frenzy, huh? lol I am over my snit and back on track.
Dinner will be a good healthy meal. Chicken, a little rice, veg.
Guess my Birthday freaked me out a bit more than I thought it would. lol Food didn't help. Lesson learned. Next time, try vodka. ;) :P
This danged face cream is going back! So is that useless eye roller goo thingy. Garnier skincare... Sucks. Big green donkey dicks. The cream is blah, makes my face red and my eyes itch and burn and the depuffing eye roller is useless. I don't know why I bought that... I don't have puffy eyes. I have dark circles. Anyhoozle, that is over twenty bucks going back into my pocket. And I can get my lovely Neutrogena. I am also returning that crap nail polish I applied, yesterday. If you see it in your local drugstore, Confetti nail polish is garbage. I am not a polish snob... I have a ton of inexpensive drugstore polish that I just adore. This particular brand blows.
So, have you ever boiled your snatch? I did, today. I was in the rare mood for a really hot shower, as hot as I could stand it and a nice steam. So, I fired up my shower and got my lobster on. Turned my little bathroom into a right proper swamp and enjoyed every moment of it. Until I went to rinse my lady bits. I went in with my handheld to take care of the job and... Eeeeeeeeyowch! Boiled snatch. Dumbass me forgot to turn the water temperature down before rinsing that most delicate of areas. I won't make that mistake, again. I still feel a little scalded.
I am glad that this day is almost over. I think I have had enough fun.
Time to go check my rice and chicken. I must be recovering from this afternoon, dinner actually smells good and my stomach is growling.
Later, gators. :)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Just Checking In
Yesterday was a hide day. Which wouldn't have been so bad but it also turned out to be an out of control eat like a fucking idiot day. The good thing was, since I don't keep much garbage in the house, I was unable to do serious damage, calorie wise. But I still damaged myself. I reverted to patterns I am working so. hard. to change.
It was "only one day". But what the fuck was I thinking for that day? I am not exactly sure, to be perfectly honest. I was wallowing. I do know that. I need to wallow now and then. I accept that about myself. What I need to learn is wallowing without swallowing. (Oh, my! Aren't I the clever girl?)
Anyhoozle... I sucked down in the neighbourhood of 2800 calories, yesterday. A shocking number, when I think about how I eat, now. Even more shocking to me when I think about it in a mathematical sense is that it was still technically, by the numbers in my "weight loss range". Dang. Dayum! Ain't life grand when you are a fattie? (Uh... you did "hear" my sarcasm, didn't you???)
So, I am better, today. Not as prone to wallow. Still pulling out of my funk and feeling better. And I am on track. Definitely not feeling the need to feed. I get angry with myself when I have a day like I did, yesterday. But I am definitely encouraged by the fact that yesterday was just the one day. It didn't extend to today. Tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Back to 400+ pounds.
No, I am not giving justification to having off days. And I am not, in any way, shape or form excusing my behaviour. I am taking responsibility. And I am trying too suss out in my stupid headedness what it is that drives me to do this, even on occasion. What exactly was I feeling, thinking when I did what I did? That is what I need to figure out.
I will. I have already worked out a lot of my shit. I still have a lot more work to do. I get that. And I will get it done. If I can get this far, I can go all the way. :D
In other news, this heat is driving me in-fucking-sane! And it isn't going away, right away. This heat wave is supposed to last for most of the week. Did you know it was 113 in LA, yesterday? It doesn't get to 113 in LA.
No such thing as Global Warming, my big, fat, dimpled white ass.
I have been watching Thintervention on Bravo. Interesting program. This is a bunch of whiny, complaining, non compliant brats. And I am so. sick. of the voice overs by Joe trashing the girls and making nasty remarks about fat girls in grocery stores, working out and how a fat girl can never be attractive or get laid and so forth. It is insulting and offensive. And he should have been called on it. Perhaps he still will. I mean, he makes all of these horrid comments about these women, but he is a fatass, too and in the same program. Geeze! What. An. Asshole.
Okay, I don't have a lot to natter on about, at the moment. I just needed to come on in and be accountable. Honesty with myself and my readers is important. It helps me. Moves me forward and helps me not to slip out of control and spiral back into the morass.
I need another cup of coffee and I think that I am finally hungry enough to do a late brekkie. Yay! Oatmeal. :P
It was "only one day". But what the fuck was I thinking for that day? I am not exactly sure, to be perfectly honest. I was wallowing. I do know that. I need to wallow now and then. I accept that about myself. What I need to learn is wallowing without swallowing. (Oh, my! Aren't I the clever girl?)
Anyhoozle... I sucked down in the neighbourhood of 2800 calories, yesterday. A shocking number, when I think about how I eat, now. Even more shocking to me when I think about it in a mathematical sense is that it was still technically, by the numbers in my "weight loss range". Dang. Dayum! Ain't life grand when you are a fattie? (Uh... you did "hear" my sarcasm, didn't you???)
So, I am better, today. Not as prone to wallow. Still pulling out of my funk and feeling better. And I am on track. Definitely not feeling the need to feed. I get angry with myself when I have a day like I did, yesterday. But I am definitely encouraged by the fact that yesterday was just the one day. It didn't extend to today. Tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Back to 400+ pounds.
No, I am not giving justification to having off days. And I am not, in any way, shape or form excusing my behaviour. I am taking responsibility. And I am trying too suss out in my stupid headedness what it is that drives me to do this, even on occasion. What exactly was I feeling, thinking when I did what I did? That is what I need to figure out.
I will. I have already worked out a lot of my shit. I still have a lot more work to do. I get that. And I will get it done. If I can get this far, I can go all the way. :D
In other news, this heat is driving me in-fucking-sane! And it isn't going away, right away. This heat wave is supposed to last for most of the week. Did you know it was 113 in LA, yesterday? It doesn't get to 113 in LA.
No such thing as Global Warming, my big, fat, dimpled white ass.
I have been watching Thintervention on Bravo. Interesting program. This is a bunch of whiny, complaining, non compliant brats. And I am so. sick. of the voice overs by Joe trashing the girls and making nasty remarks about fat girls in grocery stores, working out and how a fat girl can never be attractive or get laid and so forth. It is insulting and offensive. And he should have been called on it. Perhaps he still will. I mean, he makes all of these horrid comments about these women, but he is a fatass, too and in the same program. Geeze! What. An. Asshole.
Okay, I don't have a lot to natter on about, at the moment. I just needed to come on in and be accountable. Honesty with myself and my readers is important. It helps me. Moves me forward and helps me not to slip out of control and spiral back into the morass.
I need another cup of coffee and I think that I am finally hungry enough to do a late brekkie. Yay! Oatmeal. :P
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