I got some rather bad news, today about someone very close to me. I am numb, right now. Trying to process, trying to accept, fearing the worst but also hoping and praying for the best. I am sorry to be cryptic but this person is extremely private and wouldn't appreciate being blogged about in any detail and I am going to respect their wishes and say nothing more about them, here. I just wanted you to know that I am a little discombobulated, right now.
I started feeling, earlier. Fear. Pain. Sadness. All normal emotions under the circumstances and my first impulse, indeed my first actions as I started to feel this flood was to dam it with food. I grabbed a fudge pop. Nada. No help. So, next came the cheese puffs. I downed three servings worth. (And yes, I counted the calories! :)) Nothing. Food doesn't work, anymore. I can't drug out on it, anymore. I am going to have to work through this and feel my way through it just like everyone else. One day at a time, one emotion at a time. And, I am not going to hurt myself with food. That is the wrong approach and I am not going there. The cheese puffs taught me that. This is one fucking shitty way to learn that food is just food, full stop for me, now. My loved one would definitely appreciate the irony. lol
So, if I take a day or three away, I am not falling off the wagon or doing something bad. I am just taking a little time for me. I may or may not take a little break. I may just read, but not post. I may post until my fingers wear to the bones. At this point, I just don't know. A part of me wants to hide in a hole for a while. Another part knows that I need to stay out here, reach out and keep on keeping on. So, either way, please just know I am okay. Just... Discombobulated.