Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Definition of Insanity

I am going crazy... I am standing here, solidly on my own two hands, going crazy.

My weight this morning? 290.2 pounds. Yes, I am swollen. And I am frustrated and I am, once again, heavier this week than last week when I did nothing to merit it and I am going crazy. I thought I had seen the last of the 290's. I thought I was nicely on my way down the 280's, soon to kiss their ass goodbye. That is what I get for thinking.

Fucking betrayal by my own body. My bod hates me, you know. It hates me bad. And it likes to toy with me and it likes to torment me. I feel like banging my head against a wall. But if I do, it will trigger a migraine and I am relatively comfortable in that department, at the moment and I would like to enjoy the low pain level in my head, thankyouverymuch.

I haven't consumed enough calories to gain fat. I haven't consumed enough calories to maintain the amount of fat that was on my body the last time I stepped on my scale. All I can do is keep on keeping on, drink my water, take my meds and hope for the best. Tomorrow should be a real bowl full of warm, squishy fun when I report a higher weight than last week and totally fuck up the average. Way to go, Erika. Way to be a team player.

It is a little muggy, today, slightly cooler and a little cloudy, as well. Goofy weather, around here. As long as it isn't thirty degrees or snowing, I am good.

Okay, so now that I have had my coffee, my oatmeal and my little piss and moan session, I need to go get my day started. I'll catch you all, later.


  1. Water retention can mask fat loss. Since you are sure about the fluid thing, just keep on and don't let it throw you. When the water leaves, the fat loss will show up on the scale. I would suggest a water pill but since I don't know how this would interact with other medicines you are taking perhaps you should see your doctor for that. Are your legs and ankles swollen? Are your rings tight? Perhaps there is a nurse or doctor that reads your blog who could advise you better. Just don't do something you will regret!!

  2. Frustrating, but just hang in there, Erika. Our bodies do crazy things to throw our motivation out the window, then they do something good and laugh at us for taking the bait and being so upset. Just keep on doing what you're doing and the scale will catch up.

  3. It happens and drives me nuts. How I can not lose at 1200 calories and consistent exercise makes the brain wanna explode. I mean, how is it possible? Well, it is. I'm up 3.4 of a pound from Sunday with no discernible reason. I am sleeping nicely, moving nicely, and restrained with eating.

    The body is a mystery sometimes. And we just have to keep on keeping on. Unless we sneaked in more calories or salt, we should not be bigger, by logic, right? Well, the complex processes of the female body and hormones make fools of us with some regularity. But in the end, it will balance out. Allan has said this a thousand times, and I do believe it If we are consistent, our body may not CONSISTENTLY respond, but it will EVENTUALLY respond.

    Our options are only 3: 1. stay the course until the results come in 2. shake things up by eating less or moving more or both or 3. give up. Giving up is the wussy way. Staying the course is the wise way. Shaking things up may be fine, as long as we don't skirt nutrition or overexercise and hurt our bodies.

    Yeah, I'll stay the course and wait for the sun to shine again on my scale. :)

    Hmm..should have just posted this, huh? :D

    Happy weekend.

  4. Seriously, Erika, I think you should see a doctor again. It doesn't sound good and I'm worried about you. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up. This could be something that is possible to fix. Hugs. :)

  5. your time of the month approaching? when mine is, I go up by two or three pounds...then back down. I hope you figure it out soon. It is really hard to keep a positive mindset when you are checking all the squares and still aren't seeing progress. hang in there.

  6. I'm so sorry - you have to be so frustrated...I'll be thinking of you.

  7. Don't lose hope. As long as there is light, there is hope, Erika. I've seen people recover from their tormented past; I've seen people overcome challenges in life; and I've seen people who chose to flee rather than fight. I've been there, I've done that. I know you can conquer this insanity in time. If you can define insanity this way, I know you make an antonym out of it. Pick up your wings, believe in yourself, and focus straight. Do not ignore, endure the boulders that are in your way.

    Terry Bayer


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