Saturday, March 19, 2011


I am being driven insane. By my own idiocy and my scale. Today, my weight is 291. I know that I am not eating enough calories to have gained three pounds. The only thing I can think of is that the 288 was a fluke, aided by a fluid dump courtesy of my Lasix. Which means it wasn't a "real" weight loss. It was an illusion. I was so happy about it. It was a lie. And I am a failure. And here I sit... 291. *sigh*


I have decided to withdraw from Allan's challenge. I am just bogging things down. I am not losing to expectations, I can't buy and eat to the exact menus posted (I am not allowed that control over the shopping. I am allowed to go to the store on occasion but I can't really make the grocery decisions. I have to do my thing with the limited healthy, lo cal foods I am provided or allowed to buy.) and I am just wasting his time. I wish everyone in the challenge good luck and I am still going to read and cheer everyone on and be inspired by you all, as always. But I just need to do my thing and not waste Allan's time and keep tying myself in knots over not doing everything right.

I am so mad at myself, right now. I am a failure of epic proportions.

My head is starting to bang. And I just feel like crawling into a dark hole, somewhere and hiding and crying for about a month. I'm not going to... I am going to suck it up and get on with it. I just need to sit here and drink my coffee, watch some mindless tube and pout for a while.


  1. What does this mean?

    "I am not allowed that control over the shopping. I am allowed to go to the store on occasion but I can't really make the grocery decisions. I have to do my thing with the limited healthy, lo cal foods I am provided or allowed to buy"

    Who or what is controlling this aspect of your life?

  2. I dont comment a lot on blogs, but what I wanted to say is that this is a process. You have the ability to do whatever you want. You have control over what you do and how you do it. What works for one does not work for all. Its not failing, its learning. If you learn from it you will make the changes that lead to a better life.
    Make adjustments, look at what you want and go for it. Sometimes its leaps sometimes its babysteps.

  3. I'm sorry, Erika. I know how you are feeling. I am doing much better on my own, doing my own thing. It is just my opinion but many people have issues with carbs and Allan's plan is too carby for some people. I can't do 150 carbs per day and lose weight or even maintain. I don't know if that is why the plan wasn't working for you but I know that I am doing better on my own and counting carbs.

  4. You are NOT a failure. I understand you feel that way right now, but step back and look at what you have accomplished. Recognizing that something doesn't work for you is not failure, it truly is a learning experience. Allow yourself to feel bad for a while - a short while - but do not give up....we are all here for you.

    I am also a little concerned that you can't participate in buying food that is healthy for you, but don't want to pry....I am just sending you good thoughts. I hope it helps.


  5. Erika - you are NO FAILURE! I've always been an advocate of doing it for yourself and doing it your own way. I know you will win at your own challenge! ;)

  6. Hi Erika, I don't know if I've ever posted a comment but I've been reading your blog for a while now. I also read Allan's blog so I know about the challenge (although I don't know the exact food plan of it), but regardless... You are definitely NOT a failure! You only fail when you quit trying, so DON'T QUIT TRYING! Do you keep a food journal? I find that to be the #1 tool for success. Wishing you the best, Laura

  7. My dear and long-time friend,

    Because we've been pretty close for internet buddies, part of me thinks I know part of you well. So I'm going to be completely honest, while trying not to hurt, anger, or in any way disrespect you or you feelings.

    Feeling like a failure is very dangerous to you, as I'm sure you're aware. It spells b-i-n-g-e to me. It spells three days of compulsive overeating and subsequent crying, depression, guilt, shame, and feeling like a complete failure. You're allowing an artifact of numbers to dictate your entire future; to negate months and months of hard work you did to lose 100 pounds; to negate your hard-won loss and earned good self-esteem. You started this journey with low feelings about yourself, and painful childhood experiences. Those issues are what's causing this feeling of failure right now, not some water bloat. That's all it is: some water bloat and three arbitrary numbers! Please don't throw it all away for that.

    Erika, because you've lost weight before only to give up as you got closer and closer to your goal, I desperately fear you'll do it again. It's almost as though the closer you get to freedom, the more frightened you are of achieving it.

    Freedom! Why is he, and who is he, to control what you eat? I've wanted to say something ever since I learned he was bringing home binge junk foods, and so is your child. They have no right. None. But you defeat yourself--and have no right--to allow them to treat you this way. You are so very valuable to the world. You have so much to give, so much to say, and mean so much to so many people. Why do you permit this?

    You most certainly can follow the Challenge diet. Yes you can. But you must first put your foot down and put yourself first. No more allowing others to make you suffer. You have enough suffering--unearned--to defeat the Sixth Fleet, with your arthritis pain and chronic, severe, migraines. You live in a world of terrible pain, physical and emotional. I hate it. I HATE IT!

    Tell Allan you want to take a five-day sabbatical. Do your weigh-in tomorrow as usual. Yes, Lasix, no Lasix, whatever the scale says. Then do your own diet plan for a few days as you buy your own foods and make them cook for themselves whatever crap they want to eat. Oh, I know how hard it is--don't think I don't. But you can do this.

    Finally, I'll be here for you either way you go. I'm not abandoning you. You are not going to regain that hard-won weight loss if I can possibly do anything to help. I consider you to be a friend, yes, and I'm not going anywhere. I love you.

  8. Please keep working on it, Erika. You are not a failure, and I hope no one here has made you feel you have failed. Please stay on your plan, keep counting calories, and keep exercising. I agree that a food journal is invaluable.

    You are not a failure. You are an inspiration. Hugs.

  9. I have been stuck between 295-300 lbs for months now.:( I was 350 at one time. Low carb works the best for me, but I don't have the money right now to do that. I've also been eating way too much lately..though I am exercising. I'm basically just maintaining this weight.:( I feel like quitting sometimes too...but NO WAY am I letting myself get up to anywhere NEAR 350 again. You can do this and whoever is holding you have to take back some control. I know that's easier said than done. But you are a worthwhile person and don't let anyone tell you or make you believe otherwise. You have friends out here.


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