I am being driven insane. By my own idiocy and my scale. Today, my weight is 291. I know that I am not eating enough calories to have gained three pounds. The only thing I can think of is that the 288 was a fluke, aided by a fluid dump courtesy of my Lasix. Which means it wasn't a "real" weight loss. It was an illusion. I was so happy about it. It was a lie. And I am a failure. And here I sit... 291. *sigh*
I have decided to withdraw from Allan's challenge. I am just bogging things down. I am not losing to expectations, I can't buy and eat to the exact menus posted (I am not allowed that control over the shopping. I am allowed to go to the store on occasion but I can't really make the grocery decisions. I have to do my thing with the limited healthy, lo cal foods I am provided or allowed to buy.) and I am just wasting his time. I wish everyone in the challenge good luck and I am still going to read and cheer everyone on and be inspired by you all, as always. But I just need to do my thing and not waste Allan's time and keep tying myself in knots over not doing everything right.
I am so mad at myself, right now. I am a failure of epic proportions.
My head is starting to bang. And I just feel like crawling into a dark hole, somewhere and hiding and crying for about a month. I'm not going to... I am going to suck it up and get on with it. I just need to sit here and drink my coffee, watch some mindless tube and pout for a while.