What a Fucking Drama Queen

I am so sorry about my meltdown, this morning. I didn't mean to upset or concern anyone. I was feeling sorry for myself and I acted like a hormonal fifteen year old. All that was lacking was foot stamping and furiously texting my friends about how much I hate the world while the latest emo music blasted in the background.

Thank you all for your supportive messages. *hugs* I am going to try to answer all of you, here. :)

Okay, a few things. I am not giving up on myself. I have come way to far, worked way to damned hard to let a little glitch on the scale send me right back from whence I came. I am not binging or overeating. I am, in fact nicely on track and drinking my water as I need to. :D I had a little chat via e-mail with Allan and he basically told me no fucking way am I getting let out of the challenge. lol I gave it some thought and realized that I was acting on impulse and after thinking about it, I didn't really want to withdraw so, I am staying in. It is good motivation for me. But I am not going to drive myself up the wall or twist myself in knots over it, any longer. This is about me. And I am not going to try to compete with anyone else.

My husband is a manipulative, controlling asshole. I know this but I am not able to go elsewhere, at present. I have obligations I have to live up to. I am stuck here, for the foreseeable future. I don't like it but I am not backing out on my word. I have to see some things through before I am free to move on. Meanwhile, I have to put up with his bullshit and just try to put my foot down as best I can, when I can. I have made a little progress but there are some areas in which he remains mulish and I can't break through. I just do the best I can.

I am pissed that he doesn't seem to give a shit that certain foods can trigger me and he still brings them in. I am working on letting them be unimportant to me. Nothing else I can do. If I get too strident in my insistence that he not bring them home, I am being mean and denying him the things he wants... Blah, blah, blah. After a while, It is just easier to give in and try to move on in the face of it. Since I have no choice, I have to learn to get over myself and deal.

I do have low self esteem. But I am trying to build it a little. It isn't easy. lol You go through life believing to the deepest depths of your heart, mind and gut that you are ugly, stupid, worthless, useless, not good enough, unworthy... You tend to have a tough time letting go of those beliefs. I don't like them. I would love to throw them off.

I do feel like a failure. I expect so damned much from myself that when I don't deliver, I can really come down on myself. I feel as if I deserve to be chewed out, told what a fuck up I am, how worthless, stupid and ineffective I am. And if I don't hear it from someone else, you can be sure I will hear it from myself. I refuse to allow it to knock me down, tho.

Something else I could stand to work on.

So, this has been a self involved, poor me pity party kind of day and I am so sorry about that. I will try to be more positive, upbeat and less "Call the Waaambulance".

If you made it this far, you deserve a sugar free cookie.