Friday, March 25, 2011

It's Friday! You Know What That Means... Bring On the BYOC

Good morning, love bugs. How is everyone? I am just barely tolerable. But I think it is going to be a seriously pretty day, today. It is in the mid thirties, right now but expected to warm up into the upper fifties, this afternoon. Then, slowly warm until it hits 76 on Thursday.

Hello Spring!

Okay, I need to grab another mug of leaded then get going on BYOC.

 1. How do you handle criticism?

Pretty well, actually. Most of the time. Criticism can sting but if it is sincere, meant to help and to enrich I am able to process it, accept it and act on it, as I see fit. 

There are some types of criticism that I don't take so well. I spent the majority of my childhood being relentlessly and viciously bullied and when someone is outright or obliquely nasty, I can react pretty badly. I don't often show it on the outside... I am a consummate actress and I am damned good at playing it cool but inside I am telling myself that I deserve it, that I brought it on myself, that I am indeed, ugly, stupid, fat, gross, worthless and on and on and on. Inside, I am dissolving in floods of tears, screaming in pain and just wanting to run, find a deep hole and hide. From myself and from the world that didn't do anything to deserve the obscenity that is me. Then I punish myself for being so inadequate, for not being beautiful, good enough. For not measuring up. 

2. Who had or has had the greatest impact on your life?

Without a doubt, my mother. She is my hero. She is an incredible woman. Fiercely intelligent,  quietly authoritative, supremely confident. My mother has this incredible innate elegance of self that I can only aspire to. She has always been my biggest supporter and my most fierce defender. There have been a few occasions in my life when I needed her to rise up and be a dragon in my defense and she stepped up admirably. Without her, I wouldn't have survived. Without her, I wouldn't be half the person I am, today. My mother is my closest kindred spirit, my inspiration and my very best friend. I trust her implicitly (and I don't trust, easily) and I can't imagine my life without that dazzling creature in it. 

3. If you had a friend that spoke to you the way YOU speak to yourself – would you keep them as a friend and for how long?

Shit, Draz! You had to go there, didn't you? I don't know how to answer this question. A part of me is emphatically shouting "No frakking way! No friend would/should be allowed to speak to me that way!" Another part of me thinks, "Why not? You treat yourself like shit and think you deserve it, why would it surprise you so much that someone else is inspired to do the same?" 

Wow! I really need and want to get to the point where I can say unequivocally, no, I would never allow anyone to treat me badly. And that goes for myself. I know on one level that I don't deserve it. It is convincing my other levels of that truth. 

Talk about crazy...

4. Do you think crying is a form or weakness or a form of strength?

Oooo! Good one! I think it is both. Crying is an excellent way to relieve intense emotion, cleanse shit from your heart and mind. It is beautiful, sometimes. I mean, what is more touching than a couple crying as they say their vows as they marry? A man crying when he holds his newborn child for the first time, a woman crying with joy as she watches her little one ride a bike for the first time... Things like that. 

Crying can also be a nasty form of manipulation and when it is used in that fashion, I despise the tears and person using them. 

Crying can be a show of weakness. Some people cry at the drop of a hat. Not from true emotion but just to be dramatic, to be the center of attention. I find that kind of behaviour to be a serious character flaw and a form of weakness. 

 5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

In blogland, it has been a drama queen week for me. And I am heartily ashamed of myself and ready to put it behind me and move on. *blushes*

In real life, things just tick along. My home life is pretty even keeled. I fight hard to keep it that way. I need it to be that way. I am feeling a little fragile, emotionally at the present. I am working on a few things in myself and I need to know that otherwise things are stable. I have to have a safe anchor to hang on to. And my life, while not ideal to me right now does present a certain amount of that much needed safety. 

I am doing better, diet wise. I am finding it easier to stay on track, I am not struggling so much. That is a relief, I was really tearing myself up in that department and it is good to have that tension ease up, for now. 

My cat is insane, lately. I don't know what is with him. lolol

 Okay, so there you have it, my pets.


  1. In the words of the '60's, that was some heavy shit, IQ. Heavy shit, indeed. I only wish I could make you see yourself as others see you--the beauty, strength, honesty, integrity, self-discipline, and so much more. I despise it when you hurt yourself. You're one of the finest women I've ever known, on or off the web. I only wish you love and joy.

    I'm very glad that taking the pressure off yourself regarding the Challenge seems to have worked. Awesome! You have made a wonderful decision. You always do. You're in the wise Crone stage of your life now. We need you.

    Thanks for your openness (is that a word?) again.

  2. I just want to say that you write so get your feelings across and I envy that. You make the reader feel how you are feeling. That's a rare talent. I try to write my blog in the same manner, but don't always get there. Just wanted to say..I really enjoy reading your blog and know that you ARE worth it, that you matter and don't beat yourself up so much.:) You sound like an awesome person.

  3. In some ways we are so much alike. Your paragraph on your mom was so beautiful, Erika. I just wish my own girls thought of me that way. It is exactly what I aspired to be as a mom so it hurts even more that the girls do not feel so inclined towards me.


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