Thursday, March 17, 2011
Pop the Cork
I figured it out.
What the hell was bugging me and sending me off over the edge.
Pressure I was placing on myself to stay within very tight parameters. That "Oh my gosh! I can't go over 1200 calories or I am doomed!" mentality I had constructed was tearing me up inside. I would start to get close, start to have too many calories, too early and I would feel this horrid buildup of panic and pressure and I would try to relieve it in the pantry or the fridge.
Yes, I could have taken it outside. Walked it off. Cleaned more. Turned on some music and danced. I could have. But I didn't. I didn't go there in my mind. I went into panic mode. I went into my all or nothing perfectionism screwed up thinking mode.
Under normal circumstances, I am a pressure player. Give me a crisis, a hard deadline, a tough task and I will rise to the occasion. I become incredibly focused, I go into a zone and I perform. Flawlessly.
Except with it comes to weight loss. In this area, I have learned that I can't put that kind of pressure on myself. I can't box myself in too tightly. I can't allow perfectionist or all or nothing thinking to invade my mind. I can't allow the very traits that make me such a powerhouse under other circumstances to come to the fore in my weight loss arena. When I do, I fail.
This awareness hit me over the weekend. I kept trying to work out why I was having such a tough time sticking to the plan, why I couldn't do what I had been doing so well for over a year. Why I couldn't get my shit together, get off the stick and get the fucking job done. I was twisted up in knots, breaking apart. I was obsessing, frightened and beginning to despair. Why couldn't I figure it out? Why couldn't I solve the problem?
And it finally hit me. Like a 2X4 right in the back of the head.
Pressure. Self imposed pressure. (Please let me make it crystal clear here and now, I am not blaming anyone, any plan, any challenge or other entity, this is all self imposed, completely on me! This was all in my head, coming from my own head!)
Fixing it was as simple as releasing the pressure. Once I told myself that the old parameters were back in place, once I allowed myself to slip back into the comfortable, familiar 1200 to 1500 calorie target range, the tension drained from my mind and my body. I had popped the cork. The pressure shot out of my head and I was back where I need to be. Focused. Calm. In my zone. Ready, on track and working my plan.
I am okay. And, now that I have that breathing room, I am sticking more closely to the lower end of my target zone. But, if I need to use some of that cushion, I do. Without beating myself up, telling myself that I am bad or a failure or that I have ruined it all, I am doomed and I might as well just eat away the feelings. And I don't.
I am still in the Double Dog Dare You Challenge as long as I am welcome. But on this point I will not bend. I can't. I have to work this in a way that doesn't twist me up mentally and trigger my all or nothing perfectionist bullshit thinking. One day, I would like to conquer this one. I have conquered a lot, in the past year. I have mucked a lot of shit out of my stall, carried it out back, dumped it on my shit pile and walked away from it. But I can't muck this one. Not yet. At this point and time, I am just not there. I am aware of it. I know that it needs to be dealt with but I accept it for the present. I know that one day, I will be able to stick my pitchfork into it, pick it up, dump it into my mental wheelbarrow and take it out back, throw it on my shit pile, turn around and walk away from it. I know that I will do that. One day. :D
Now to get my ass moving and walking, again. *sigh* I have fallen into the laze, the haze, the "Oh, I'll go tomorrow, I have too much to do right now" excuse cycle. Not good. I need to move. It will ramp my weight loss back up and make me feel better, physically and mentally. I know all of this. Now, I just have to get off my ass and do it.
Oh yeah, it is kick my own ass day. :D
I am on track, food and water are great. Head is clear. Mind is calm. I can breathe, again.
I need to go toss my laundry in my dryer and hit the ladies'. All that lovely water is a running through me.
Later, my pets. <3