Thursday, March 10, 2011

Been a Few, Huh?

I am just not feeling all that chatty. Nothing really wrong, or anything. I am fighting with my eating, again. *sigh* Nothing outrageous but I am not happy with myself. I feel so stupid. I know better and how to do better. But I make the wrong choices. It is almost as if I want to fail? It feels weird and wrong. And I am working through it.

I think I need to get rid of my soy sauce. I use light soy, less sodium but it still makes me swell up like a poisoned dog. And if it is in my house, I am going to use it. Time to kiss it goodbye. I had to take a whole Lasix, this morning, for the puffiness. Not good. I am slamming water and have my feet up... Ugh!

It is warm, today. Sunny and clear as a bell and just lovely. It is supposed to hit 73 for a high, this afternoon. Love it! I am just hoping this isn't a Spring tease. I have a nasty feeling that Old Man Winter isn't quite finished with us. We usually get some noce weather, start thinking the worst is over, then it gets cold again. And sometimes we get a nice, late snow dumped on us for good measure, too.

I am reading a good deal about food addiction, lately. No doubt it exists. I am a food addict. And I am struggling with that, lately. But I can't sit here and blame the addiction for my choices. Ultimately, I am responsible for those choices. Addiction or not. An alcoholic chooses to take a drink. A drug addict chooses to shoot up. I chose to stand in front of my pantry cabinet and eat some cheese puffs, yesterday. No one held a gun to my head. I chose it. I have to take responsibility for that choice, addiction or not. A large part of recovering from an addiction is taking responsibility for choices made. Knowing that yes, we have an addiction but we still make the decision to indulge in the drug, drink or food of choice.

I am so sick of my bullshit. Seriously. Some days I want to slap the shit out of myself. I would happily slap the shit out of someone else behaving as I do. I would gladly slap them a royal one, shout "Wake the fuck up!" and remind them that this is their life they are fighting for, here. So, I have to willing to slap the shit out of myself, shout to myself to "Wake the fuck up!" and remind myself that this is my life I am fighting for, here. I need my gallbladder out. I need to get the pressure of extreme weight off my trashed hips and knees. I desperately need to get the pressure of extreme weigh off my poor hips and knees. I need to get this done. And I don't need to be indulging in food fuckery and slowing my progress and harming myself, making my hips and knees live in this over sized body any longer than they have to.

I have a job to do. Time to dummy up and deal.


My hips hurt so bad yesterday that I finally put in a call to my doc to get her okay on using NSAIDS and Lasix together. She gave me the go ahead and I now have sweet relief from the pain. Even my hamburger knees feel a little better. I might actually feel good enough to get out and take a walk, later. I have been hobbling around for almost a week, it feels good to be able to move freely, again.

Okay, I need to go toss Sabryna's beddies cover in the dryer and hit the head. I am peeing like a racehorse.


  1. I like that you said you need to be willing to slap yourself the way you do others. your last comment to me was hurtful. I see you struggle the same way I do yet I don't judge you or try to tell you what to do. I hope the best for you as I do everyone who is fighting the good fight for life.

  2. Thank you for your comment, Lisa.

    If you had read my comment to you thoroughly, you would have read that I wasn't judging you, trying to hurt you or tell you what to do. You would have read where I told you that I am afraid for you, that I care about you and what happens to you. At no point did I say that I am perfect and can't identify with your struggles because obviously, I can.

    Take care.

  3. Thanks for your comment. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings too. Lets get back to
    the love. :)

  4. Look at you, taking control! I love this part of your post: "I have a job to do. Time to dummy up and deal." Keep up that motivation, and you'll reach your goals very quickly! :)

  5. It's ok to have a bad day and ok to feel the way you do today. Just get back on that horse and forget what happened the day before. Sometimes I tell myself if I can have 5 good days and only 2 bad days, then that was better than having 7 bads days :)

  6. God, you sound like me and moving my lazy, lazy, LAZY, ass. I always look up to you and your walks. I say I want to get into shape, but there's more "I'm going to do" around here than there is "I did." That's what you're doing with your eating. We're a fine pair, yes? But I hear you about doing this for your joints. I'll bet the pain you're in is pretty heavy. In fact, you're a chronic pain patient, and probably should be seeing a pain control specialist between the joints and migraines. Do you eat sometimes to get pleasure away from the pain? Then after you've eaten, it only makes everything worse?

    BTDT. You've already lost so much weight, it's practically incredible. Think back to last August or so. Did you really see yourself where you are now? So far down this road? Honey, you have come SO far!! Try to be as proud of yourself as I am of you. And your beautiful hair, and feminine nails. *sigh* You have so much going for you, and you don't even know it. Look at that skin!! Oh, my.

  7. Time to yank up those bootstraps, darlin'. Sometimes I have to say that the only reason I don't eat something is because it isn't in the house and I'm far too lazy to head to the store for chips or cookies or something. In fact, I really don't eat much at all so I don't get why my body has betrayed me in this way. Sigh... Anyway, I really am glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better and hope that today opens on an even brighter note.

  8. If it's any help, we don't get tired of hearing about your struggle and food fuckery (I just love that term) as you likely do experiencing it. Besides, you are STILL keeping going, day after day and not just blogging for a minute and giving up.

    Honesty is always better than bullshit. This is why I read yours, Allan's, and Dr. F's blogs as well as some others.

    Hang in.

    xo GP

  9. Hang in there! We all have those moments in our journey where we need to kick our own asses into gear. Just remember your online buddies are always here. Hnag in there.


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