Saturday, March 19, 2011

What a Fucking Drama Queen

I am so sorry about my meltdown, this morning. I didn't mean to upset or concern anyone. I was feeling sorry for myself and I acted like a hormonal fifteen year old. All that was lacking was foot stamping and furiously texting my friends about how much I hate the world while the latest emo music blasted in the background.

Thank you all for your supportive messages. *hugs* I am going to try to answer all of you, here. :)

Okay, a few things. I am not giving up on myself. I have come way to far, worked way to damned hard to let a little glitch on the scale send me right back from whence I came. I am not binging or overeating. I am, in fact nicely on track and drinking my water as I need to. :D I had a little chat via e-mail with Allan and he basically told me no fucking way am I getting let out of the challenge. lol I gave it some thought and realized that I was acting on impulse and after thinking about it, I didn't really want to withdraw so, I am staying in. It is good motivation for me. But I am not going to drive myself up the wall or twist myself in knots over it, any longer. This is about me. And I am not going to try to compete with anyone else.

My husband is a manipulative, controlling asshole. I know this but I am not able to go elsewhere, at present. I have obligations I have to live up to. I am stuck here, for the foreseeable future. I don't like it but I am not backing out on my word. I have to see some things through before I am free to move on. Meanwhile, I have to put up with his bullshit and just try to put my foot down as best I can, when I can. I have made a little progress but there are some areas in which he remains mulish and I can't break through. I just do the best I can.

I am pissed that he doesn't seem to give a shit that certain foods can trigger me and he still brings them in. I am working on letting them be unimportant to me. Nothing else I can do. If I get too strident in my insistence that he not bring them home, I am being mean and denying him the things he wants... Blah, blah, blah. After a while, It is just easier to give in and try to move on in the face of it. Since I have no choice, I have to learn to get over myself and deal.

I do have low self esteem. But I am trying to build it a little. It isn't easy. lol You go through life believing to the deepest depths of your heart, mind and gut that you are ugly, stupid, worthless, useless, not good enough, unworthy... You tend to have a tough time letting go of those beliefs. I don't like them. I would love to throw them off.

I do feel like a failure. I expect so damned much from myself that when I don't deliver, I can really come down on myself. I feel as if I deserve to be chewed out, told what a fuck up I am, how worthless, stupid and ineffective I am. And if I don't hear it from someone else, you can be sure I will hear it from myself. I refuse to allow it to knock me down, tho.

Something else I could stand to work on.

So, this has been a self involved, poor me pity party kind of day and I am so sorry about that. I will try to be more positive, upbeat and less "Call the Waaambulance".

If you made it this far, you deserve a sugar free cookie.

13 comments:

  1. You deserve the best, just because you can't/don't have that know doesn't mean you don't deserve it. Don't forget that!!!
    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hugs, Erika. You do whatever you gotta do. You have support here. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Erika, 1. You are beautiful (inside and out), 2. You are incredibly witty and clever, 3. Your writing is hilarious, insightful, and meaningful, 3. You are inspirational, 4. You are caring, 5. You persevere against odds...shall I go on?

    Never give up, not that you have a choice, you know all us bloggers would collectively kick your shrinking heiney if you ever tried ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I ditto everything Joy just said, and I'll have my cookie with chocolate and peanut butter please ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. You have more strength than I do with your situation. Can you find another coping mechanism other than food - walking? can you get out of the house and volunteer? I think I would set aside a cabinet for all those trigger foods so they would be out of sight and then never open that door. You could have your cabinet and he could have his. You have quite a sense of humor.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I TOTALLY and Completely understand where you are coming from. I did with the last post you did too--the stress and anxiety of weigh in weekend. The lack of good numbers . I don't have an over controlling husband like you, but the food behaviors in the house are similar. Feelings that I'm being too rigid, not eating out, depriving him ..etc. Fortunately, my husband is eating a delivered food plan now and it's better. Glad you are hanging in there.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I agree with Joy. You are strong.. and I'm glad you aren't giving up! I know I don't comment much on here.. but you have been a great inspiration to me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am so relieved, so happy, so everything, that my eyes are filled with tears. If I were telling you this on the phone, my voice would be cracking incomprehensibly. You are no failure! You're so far from failing I have no words. Maybe we can help you to stop calling yourself that?

    I apologize for saying anything about the man in your life. It's just that I hate seeing such a fine woman be controlled by someone. But I understand feeling trapped. I hope you can escape as soon as you can, and look forward to that day.

    I was truly terrified you'd start binging, mostly because I would have. Your strength in not doing so is awesome to witness. I'm just proud of you right now--intensely proud.

    Don't you dare mock yourself for your emotional trouble today. You weren't a drama queen or a teen or whining or anything like that. You were in pain. Period. Thank god that, like a migraine, it eventually went away (mostly).

    Finally, good for you (and Allan) for talking yourself into staying in the Challenge. He always said it wasn't a competition, right? It's just a way of being accountable to yourself. If you start a little higher tomorrow, you'll do great next week (water). Everyone understands the bloat, especially for women.

    You're magnificent! A treasure of a woman. I respect and admire you with all my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I can relate to your feelings and mine come from the same place. I am also extremely hard on myself, expecting so much from myself that I crash and burn when I can't make it happen the way I think it should happen. It breaks my heart to know anyone else goes through what I do when it comes to self-worth, self-esteem. I send you a huge hug and am thankful you have a place to write and sort out your thoughts. That is what I like about blogging. Fortunately, the people who read my blog seem to like me despite myself.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm brand new to your blog but want you to know that what I've read is not only motivating, it's engaging. Love your honesty - I think anyone who struggles with weight can identify with everything you've written both in this and the earlier post. There is very little more frustrating than a weight gain on weigh day!

    Looking forward to getting to know you and reading along.

    ReplyDelete
  11. My hubby can be like that too sometimes. But I tell him to shove it, it sounds as if you are honest with your hubby and don't take his crap. I don't consider you whiney, just honest and there is nothing wrong with that!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am glad you clarified a few things I was worried like the rest of the gang here. I will say this after a hell of a lot of therapy I have learned one thing-

    Despite how hard I try I am not perfect and the only thing that comes from trying to be perfect is feel exhausted trying to be perfect!

    Just keep plugging away and we will all be here for you every step of the way

    ReplyDelete
  13. My 1st step-dad (back when I was in high school) would do the same thing to my mom and I, but just a little different..we would have hardly anything in the house to eat...until we decided to go on a "diet." Then my step-dad would go out and buy potato chips, ice cream, etc. etc. He was also very controlling over my mom. Some guys are just total jerks.:(

    ReplyDelete

Talk to me! :D I love comments, enjoy discussion and debate. I wear my big girl panties and welcome constructive criticism. I do not accept anonymous comments. Not because I can't take the heat. I can. It is because I believe that if you are going to say it, you need to have the balls to put a name to it.

Please do not spam my comments. If you would like for me to check out your blog, if you follow me/have me on your blogroll and would like me to follow you/add you to my blogroll, please shoot me an e-mail with your blog URL. I will come visit :). Same goes if you are a company or PR. Please shoot me an e-mail. You can find my address in the contact tab at the top of my blog page. Thank you. :D