Yesterday was a hide day. Which wouldn't have been so bad but it also turned out to be an out of control eat like a fucking idiot day. The good thing was, since I don't keep much garbage in the house, I was unable to do serious damage, calorie wise. But I still damaged myself. I reverted to patterns I am working so. hard. to change.
It was "only one day". But what the fuck was I thinking for that day? I am not exactly sure, to be perfectly honest. I was wallowing. I do know that. I need to wallow now and then. I accept that about myself. What I need to learn is wallowing without swallowing. (Oh, my! Aren't I the clever girl?)
Anyhoozle... I sucked down in the neighbourhood of 2800 calories, yesterday. A shocking number, when I think about how I eat, now. Even more shocking to me when I think about it in a mathematical sense is that it was still technically, by the numbers in my "weight loss range". Dang. Dayum! Ain't life grand when you are a fattie? (Uh... you did "hear" my sarcasm, didn't you???)
So, I am better, today. Not as prone to wallow. Still pulling out of my funk and feeling better. And I am on track. Definitely not feeling the need to feed. I get angry with myself when I have a day like I did, yesterday. But I am definitely encouraged by the fact that yesterday was just the one day. It didn't extend to today. Tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Back to 400+ pounds.
No, I am not giving justification to having off days. And I am not, in any way, shape or form excusing my behaviour. I am taking responsibility. And I am trying too suss out in my stupid headedness what it is that drives me to do this, even on occasion. What exactly was I feeling, thinking when I did what I did? That is what I need to figure out.
I will. I have already worked out a lot of my shit. I still have a lot more work to do. I get that. And I will get it done. If I can get this far, I can go all the way. :D
In other news, this heat is driving me in-fucking-sane! And it isn't going away, right away. This heat wave is supposed to last for most of the week. Did you know it was 113 in LA, yesterday? It doesn't get to 113 in LA.
No such thing as Global Warming, my big, fat, dimpled white ass.
I have been watching Thintervention on Bravo. Interesting program. This is a bunch of whiny, complaining, non compliant brats. And I am so. sick. of the voice overs by Joe trashing the girls and making nasty remarks about fat girls in grocery stores, working out and how a fat girl can never be attractive or get laid and so forth. It is insulting and offensive. And he should have been called on it. Perhaps he still will. I mean, he makes all of these horrid comments about these women, but he is a fatass, too and in the same program. Geeze! What. An. Asshole.
Okay, I don't have a lot to natter on about, at the moment. I just needed to come on in and be accountable. Honesty with myself and my readers is important. It helps me. Moves me forward and helps me not to slip out of control and spiral back into the morass.
I need another cup of coffee and I think that I am finally hungry enough to do a late brekkie. Yay! Oatmeal. :P