Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Just Checking In

Yesterday was a hide day. Which wouldn't have been so bad but it also turned out to be an out of control eat like a fucking idiot day. The good thing was, since I don't keep much garbage in the house, I was unable to do serious damage, calorie wise. But I still damaged myself. I reverted to patterns I am working so. hard. to change.

It was "only one day". But what the fuck was I thinking for that day? I am not exactly sure, to be perfectly honest. I was wallowing. I do know that. I need to wallow now and then. I accept that about myself. What I need to learn is wallowing without swallowing. (Oh, my! Aren't I the clever girl?)

Anyhoozle... I sucked down in the neighbourhood of 2800 calories, yesterday. A shocking number, when I think about how I eat, now. Even more shocking to me when I think about it in a mathematical sense is that it was still technically, by the numbers in my "weight loss range". Dang. Dayum! Ain't life grand when you are a fattie? (Uh... you did "hear" my sarcasm, didn't you???)

So, I am better, today. Not as prone to wallow. Still pulling out of my funk and feeling better. And I am on track. Definitely not feeling the need to feed. I get angry with myself when I have a day like I did, yesterday. But I am definitely encouraged by the fact that yesterday was just the one day. It didn't extend to today. Tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Back to 400+ pounds.

No, I am not giving justification to having off days. And I am not, in any way, shape or form excusing my behaviour. I am taking responsibility. And I am trying too suss out in my stupid headedness what it is that drives me to do this, even on occasion. What exactly was I feeling, thinking when I did what I did? That is what I need to figure out.

I will. I have already worked out a lot of my shit. I still have a lot more work to do. I get that. And I will get it done. If I can get this far, I can go all the way. :D

In other news, this heat is driving me in-fucking-sane! And it isn't going away, right away. This heat wave is supposed to last for most of the week. Did you know it was 113 in LA, yesterday? It doesn't get to 113 in LA.

No such thing as Global Warming, my big, fat, dimpled white ass.

I have been watching Thintervention on Bravo. Interesting program. This is a bunch of whiny, complaining, non compliant brats. And I am so. sick. of the voice overs by Joe trashing the girls and making nasty remarks about fat girls in grocery stores, working out and how a fat girl can never be attractive or get laid and so forth. It is insulting and offensive. And he should have been called on it. Perhaps he still will. I mean, he makes all of these horrid comments about these women, but he is a fatass, too and in the same program. Geeze! What. An. Asshole.

Okay, I don't have a lot to natter on about, at the moment. I just needed to come on in and be accountable. Honesty with myself and my readers is important. It helps me. Moves me forward and helps me not to slip out of control and spiral back into the morass.

I need another cup of coffee and I think that I am finally hungry enough to do a late brekkie. Yay! Oatmeal. :P


  1. Well, if you're going to be an idiot you might as well be a fucking one. Somebody ought to get some pleasure out of it.

    All this knowledge we have about food sure sucks the fun out of a good binge these days doesn't it? I've been wanting to wallow lately too. I'm sick of our gloomy weather. It's cold and rainy here in Ohio. I'm ready for some sunny fall days, a covered bridge festival, and some fun but I keep thinking of the FOOD that goes with the fun.

    Pumpkin pie is a vegetable, right?

  2. Oh my gosh! I think I almost peed my pants laughing at your F-bombs.. It's nice to see someone else cuss on a blog.. lol

    I know what ya mean about wallowing.. I've had my share of them, especially in the past 3 weeks.. it's so easy to let it take us over, so congratulations for getting back on top of it so quickly! :)

  3. Ha! No pleasure, here, dude. Sorry to disappoint you. lol

    Food does go with festivals but we can control what food we choose to go with out festivals.

    Uh... pumpkins are squash. I am not sure if that makes them a veggie or a fruit. Or a berry??? But pumpkin pie isn't a veggie. It is poison and evil. lol

  4. Sarah, I save my f-bombs for the most special moments. Har! ^^

    I am glad that I am on top of it. Now to figure out how not to get under it. lol

  5. Awesome. Binging at 2800 calories is something to be proud of. In the end, if that is the worst thing you do on a diet, you will be fine. Get out of the funk, you have no control over the global warming that we have fucked up our planet with. Enjoy today, get back on track, and curse some more. How about a picture for your Icon with a smile. You cant say Fuck that much and not smile a little !!!

  6. OMG, I hate that ass hole on Thintervention. Joe is the one who should never get laid....jerk!

    I guess I am over the hump because I have had a pretty crappy day and I have not overeaten. Oh and I am on my period....sigh.

    Unfortunately there is junk in my house but I don't feel tempted. I keep thinking of how hard I have worked but I have so far to go.

    Hope you feel better today!

  7. Wow I am glad to see someone else blow there top and say the F word. We are all allowed to binge once in a while. Just get back on track and life goes on... :)

  8. Glad to see you're back on track today. God, I hate those kind of days...it's not the "what" that you ate, it's the "why". If we could figure all that out we'd have this beat!

  9. Hey! I am wallowy these days too, it's the grey weather I guess...

    I know why you're angry with yourself about the binging, however, to keep losing weight you will need to allow yourself big days off like this to remind your body that you're not starving and to keep shedding that weight. However, they're only needed really when you start to plateau I think, but once every few weeks is probably good enough. As for me, I am realizing that making wise food choices doesn't get much easier, and I will have to fight some of my urges the rest of my life, just like smokers to. Luckily the urges get fewer and farther between.

  10. Well, at least you know where your fuckup happened, and are super ready to fix it and MOVE ON. Good work-keep moving forward!

    Polar's Mom

  11. Hey girl...sorry, bad blog post title I guess...I updated it...thanks for checking on me. I'm still alive. :)


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