Saturday, February 5, 2011

Three Day Freak Out

The last three days are solidly in the Fail column. I got to or slightly exceeded 2000 calories each day. Oh, yes. You read that right. I know that 2000 calories won't put weight on my frame. But it sure as hell didn't do me any damned good. Add in my fucking edema and I am back  up to 298, this morning.

Fuck.

I don't know why I got into the head space I did. I think that part of it was the pressure I was putting on myself. I tend to do that. Then when I release it... Implosion. Something new I have learned about myself. Ease up on the pressure I place on myself, stop fretting and just accept the fact that I can do this and I am doing this and I don't need to allow what anyone thinks make me put additional pressure on myself.

Speaking of pressure... *tongue in cheek, here* I am in it for Allan's Phase Five. In spite if my crying about pressure, I like structure, I can do 1200 calories a day (in spite of the last three days throwing a big black mark on my record) and I am competitive. And I want the prize for highest percentage of weight loss.

That leads me to yes, I am back on track. Mentally, I am calmer, no longer freaking out, not fighting bullshit cravings, not feeling pressure. Just level, again. I am still waiting for the Lasix to kick in. I take it, every day with the potassium and drink huge amounts of water and wait. If I reach Monday with no joy, I will call my doctor.

Brekkie was a cup of coffee, a Mackintosh apple and a Fage with a little Splenda. I am drinking my water. I fell a little short, yesterday. Only five quarts. *sigh* Fail, again.

I didn't write the above for sympathy or validation. I am not looking for anyone to tell me it is okay. It isn't. I get that and I am just working through it. I still have a lot of work to do. But I am learning, building on my successes and my failures are hitting less and less often. I am not perfect. I never will be. But that is a hard lesson for me to get through my thick skull. And when I try, it messes with me a bit. But I am getting there. 

Stupid head games I play with myself.

Okay, I need to flip on a little heat and warm it up in here so I can take my shower. Then I need to do my nails.

8 comments:

  1. Erika, I'm not going pat you on the head or jump you either. You know what to do and you are doing it. Just get back on the horse and leave the failings in the dust. It is only true failing if you don't get back up. I have stayed on plan with food but I have taken a hiatus from the exercise and I feel like a failure too. I'm struggling to get back in the right frame of mine to keep myself moving. It isn't a easy thing to do. Hang in there. I'm here cheering you on. :)

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  2. Maybe a nice shower is just what you need!
    Please be well!

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  3. Shit happens, right? You've got the motivation and the knowledge to get it done-I'm not worried about you succeeding! Since we are all human=we are not perfect. No one is. How we respond to our 'failures' is what separates the men from the boys... You a MAN girlfriend!


    Polar's Mom
    www.polarspage.blogspot.com

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  4. I'm not going to beat you up, either. You're beating yourself up just fine. It's tough, I know. Now I have to remain at 900 or less to lose 1 1/2 lbs. every two weeks. I just don't always do it. It's a huge struggle. But the payoff is worth it.

    I'm excited that you're joining Allan's rough Challenge. It'll work if you're in the groove, and I'd love to see you win the %-age lost prize. Wouldn't it be something if you won that incredible Grand Prize? Whew! He's so generous--what a great guy.

    I'm wishing you all the best and success.

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  5. Every mistake is a learning experience!

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  6. Yes, I agree, no need to have chastisement from your loyal subjects ;-)

    God knows we can all chastise ourselves just fine. What matters is that you are moving forward and keeping on. You are gonna knock em dead in the Phase 5, glad to hear that you are signed up. I look forward to the excitement.

    I feel for you on the edema, come on pills, start working yer magic on the Queen. May you puff no more, Queen, may you puff no more!!!!

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  7. We can only keep on keepin' on, my friend. You can do it!

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  8. Hey we all have those rough days. The best part is tha tyou are back on track where you need to be!

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