The last three days are solidly in the Fail column. I got to or slightly exceeded 2000 calories each day. Oh, yes. You read that right. I know that 2000 calories won't put weight on my frame. But it sure as hell didn't do me any damned good. Add in my fucking edema and I am back up to 298, this morning.
I don't know why I got into the head space I did. I think that part of it was the pressure I was putting on myself. I tend to do that. Then when I release it... Implosion. Something new I have learned about myself. Ease up on the pressure I place on myself, stop fretting and just accept the fact that I can do this and I am doing this and I don't need to allow what anyone thinks make me put additional pressure on myself.
Speaking of pressure... *tongue in cheek, here* I am in it for Allan's Phase Five. In spite if my crying about pressure, I like structure, I can do 1200 calories a day (in spite of the last three days throwing a big black mark on my record) and I am competitive. And I want the prize for highest percentage of weight loss.
That leads me to yes, I am back on track. Mentally, I am calmer, no longer freaking out, not fighting bullshit cravings, not feeling pressure. Just level, again. I am still waiting for the Lasix to kick in. I take it, every day with the potassium and drink huge amounts of water and wait. If I reach Monday with no joy, I will call my doctor.
Brekkie was a cup of coffee, a Mackintosh apple and a Fage with a little Splenda. I am drinking my water. I fell a little short, yesterday. Only five quarts. *sigh* Fail, again.
I didn't write the above for sympathy or validation. I am not looking for anyone to tell me it is okay. It isn't. I get that and I am just working through it. I still have a lot of work to do. But I am learning, building on my successes and my failures are hitting less and less often. I am not perfect. I never will be. But that is a hard lesson for me to get through my thick skull. And when I try, it messes with me a bit. But I am getting there.
Stupid head games I play with myself.
Okay, I need to flip on a little heat and warm it up in here so I can take my shower. Then I need to do my nails.