Seriously.
I don't normally sleep much past six or six-thirty. By that time, my bladder is crying to be emptied, the dog wants to go out (Willy Dog does that) the cat wants attention... So sleeping any later just doesn't normally work all that well. lol
So, yesterday. Was a bad day. I had a major food freakout. I ended up in front of my pantry cabinet with a big can of Pic Nik sticks in one hand, shoveling them as fast as I could with the other into my mouth. I was just shoving, chewing, swallowing and repeating until half a can was gone.
What. The. Fuck?
It felt desperate. Crazy. Bad. Sick. Weird. But I couldn't stop. I couldn't shut it down. I heard my brain screaming at me to stop. I wanted to stop. I needed to stop but I physically couldn't stop. Until I reached a point where I could. I was, for that time, utterly out of control. I was crazed in my determination to cram as much of those nasty fried potato sticks into my mouth as I could, as fast as I could and for as long as I felt I could get away with it.
In-fucking-sane.
Yeah.
I am not beating myself up over it. I am very mindful that I did some damage. And my number on the scale will reflect it on Sunday. I am puffed up like a poisoned rat, thanks to all the salt. And I feel like an abject failure. I am working though it all and I will carry on.
Food is much better, today. I am on track. Water is going down nicely. I will end the day over my quota. I worked out hard on my glider. Three miles, seventy minutes. Hopefully, I burned enough calories to help atone for my insanity, yesterday. Maybe Willy Dog will be in the mood to run out to the lake, when he gets home from work. A walk would be good. Burn a few extra calories and give me a chance to blow the shit out of my head and breathe some fresh air.
So folks, there you have it. I struggle, still. I wish I had the fortitude and the balls to never cheat. To never eat what I am not supposed to. To never find myself in front of my pantry, mind screaming, shoving food into my mouth like some person possessed. But alas, I don't. I strive for it. But I fall far short. I am not good enough, it seems. I am weak. I am flawed.
I wish I were perfect.
Really.
I do.
Life would be so much easier.
It is cooler, today. Kind of windy and partly cloudy. The promised rain is not coming down. It might, tomorrow. I am not holding my breath.
I think I'll give my husband a shout and see if he wants to go to the lake. If he does, I'll go get into my walk clothes and lace on my walking shoes. The more I think about it, the more I really do need to get out there.
Later, lovies.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
6 comments:
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(((((Erika)))) You took a fall off the wagon. You got yourself back up and on it again. End of story. I've been there. Will probably there again, but neither of has to stay there. I believe we both have the balls to keep going after every fall that happens.
ReplyDeleteOh my friend. I think many of us would idenfity with you standing in front of the cabinet having a food frenzy. It feels horrid to feel out of control like that. One thing that I've had to do in my short time on this journey is to get rid of things that I KNOW I will struggle to resist. I came home from a trip and saw COCA COLA in my fridge. The boys might was well have put a big plate of cocaine or something equally addictive in there. I shrieked "What the fuck is this poison doing in the fridge?!" My good husband said "it's terrible - it has gone bad - let me pour it out." I felt bad that I am not in the place that I can calmly look at the coca cola and say "oh, honey, do you want this?" But there it is. I like your recovery strategy. And who knows, Sunday might not be as bad as you think, given your good water drinkage.
ReplyDeleteWe all must take ourselves in hand at a time like that. I do tend to read blogs when I feel this way (like what I'm doing now!) and that helps cravings quite a bit - to read all of our struggles and successes.
My thoughts are with you! xo GP
Struggling is human honey. That's not to say your screw up was good but you know how to fix it...and you're doing that. When the slip becomes a slide and you quit and give up - that's when you need to worry!
ReplyDeleteWrap up in a couple of these hugs from your blogging peeps!
ReplyDelete*hug!*
If we were perfect, we wouldn't be in the chubby boat paddling as fast as we can.
ReplyDeleteTodays a new day, you're working hard to fix the mistake and it's did and done and nothing you can do except try your hardest not to let it happen again.
Keep up the great work, you can do this. I have faith in you.
Take care and God Bless!!
BTDT. I know the feeling of powerlessness. It's frightening. That's a true binge, when you feel totally powerless to stop it. Although in your case, there weren't enough calories to categorize it as an out-and-out binge. But you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I didn't see this right away. I've also been having a very hard time commenting here. I want you to know that along with so many others, I'm here for you. You've been there for me, and I will return your support. You're a good woman, Erika.