Draped in Dust and Cobwebs

My poor, poor blog. Neglected and unloved. But not forgotten.

Life gets boring. I don't feel as if I have much to talk about so it slips out of my immediate thoughts and lurks, in the back of my mind like a spider clinging to her web in a high corner of the room. Watching, aware and waiting for my attention.

I am ready to pay some, now. I need to. I need to talk and this is where I need to do it, so that I can get it out and howl and no one will have to listen to it.

The other day, I got a Facebook message from one of my brothers to call him, that my mother was in the hospital. I called him, (my brother) and he told me that my mother had collapsed and that her live in guy had had to call an ambulance for her. It turns out that her blood sugar had become dangerously high and had been for a while, making her feel weak and unable to function normally. When she got to the E.R. her blood sugar was over 500 and she was in crisis. Thankfully, the docs and nurses were able to treat her and get her stabilized. It was decided that they would keep her overnight and, in light of some other things she has been going through a lot of tests were run and because she is seventy, now they did a CAT scan, as well. Routine, so it seems for people her age.

As anyone who has read here for any length of time knows, my mother has breast cancer. She chose not to go with conventional treatment, adopting a change her nutrition and wait  and see approach. In spite of urging from so many of us, this was the life path she chose to take and while I certainly didn't agree with it, I have to respect it. Her body, her choices. Anyway, the CAT scan revealed that the mass in her breast has spread to her lymph nodes and throat and neck. She doesn't have much in the way of treatment options. She is home, stable and following doctor's orders.Two of my brothers were able were able to get there and they have been champions, helping her get things taken care of, things that she hasn't been able to deal with on her own for a while because she hasn't been well. And wasn't sharing this information with any of us.

Mother... The original independent, hardheaded, "I'll do it myself!" lady. It is just how she rolls. And nothing is going to change that. LOL Damn it. Grrr!

Anyway, she is doing better, right now. I finally got my shit together and picked up the phone and called her, this morning and she sounds pretty good. Stronger. She knows that she is in trouble, she knows that her diagnosis is bad but she is strong, good with it and at peace. She has a sense of acceptance that I find mind blowing, optimism but not rose coloured glasses delusion, she is just... good. We had a really great talk, we got to say what we needed to say for now and, yeah. We will get to have more good talks. We will get to have some kind of closure, I guess. Lord, I hate that word. It is so pat, stupidly overused and it irritates me.

I am not okay with all of this. Not even fucking close. I am in shock and I am sad, angry as hell and railing inside. But I am also working hard to accept, to be at peace with this. To understand, to respect and to let what is inevitable happen in it's fullness of time and then go forward. Mother is strong in her faith, in the knowledge that she is safe in the hands of the Lord, come what may. I am praying hard for that same peace.

I have some time... We have some time. As long as Mother remains stable and doesn't have a crisis, she has some time and that is something for which I am deeply grateful. I can't loose my touch stone, my true kindred spirit, just yet. I need that time, we need that time and I am going to cherish every minute of it and be grateful.

This is a disjointed mess. For that, I apologize to anyone who sees and reads this. I'll do better, later. Right now, I just needed to get it out. I needed to release it. I still have a lot of that to do but I hope that I am taking the first step.

Okay, enough. I am crying again, I need to. But I also need to pull it together and be stronger. I will. I just need to process all of this and work through it. I'll get there. I hope I get there.

For now, I need some distraction. Mother doesn't want me wallowing. She wants me to live. Do my thing. Be. I think that I am going to go out and goof around for a while. I have a little shopping I need to do, a few things I need to pick up. Getting out of this house, driving, drifting through some stores and getting some fresh air sounds like just what I need. 

Okay, off to shower and put on a little makeup. I wonder how much concealer I can pack on to these dark circles? LOL 

Coffee, Muscle Bound Hulks and Snow

So, it's supposed to snow. Get stupid cold, really windy and snow. Yuk. I guess that this is part of Winter Storm Gandolf? Okay, I have to ask... Is anyone else as endlessly amused by The Weather Channel trying to make "fetch" happen? StormCon and TorCon and Named Winter storms and the like are so funny, to me. Seriously... Who the hell is coming up with this shit? And how are they getting it on?

So, I'm sitting here, this morning. Drinking my coffee, getting my morning pins and twats and Facebook posts up for my polish blog and bantering with my son about my taking steroids. William was dusting and suddenly he turned to me and asked, "They aren't going to make you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, are they?" Bwahahaha! I have to admit, that was funny. I reassured him that no, they weren't going to turn me into a muscle bound hulk. He seems relieved.

Oh my sainted Aunt! I am such a fucking moron. I had to set the date on my camera, the other day after I replaced the batteries. For some reason it loses it's settings after a battery change, from time to time. And it has been happening more often. Anyway, back to being a fucking moron. When I re set the date, I set the year as, yep. You guessed it. 2012. You know what that means, photographs from two days in January of this year are slotted in with the January 2012 photographs. So, to get to them, I have to go hiking back to Jan. of 2012 every time I want to access them. Must change the date on my camera, ASAP. I am so not willing to put up with this nonsense long term.

If I had a brain I'd be dangerous.

I Gotz Weird Head Bonz

According to my doc, the way my bones are formed in my head and ears is the reason why my head is full of fluid, my ears are bulging, my face is swollen and I have constant post nasal drip. The drip and draining, but not proper draining is causing the swelling and irritation in my throat, puffing up my neck and my face and causing my ear pain. Good news is I don't have an infection. So I am now the proud owner of a pile of steroids, a seven day oral course and a long term commitment to nasal spray steroids.

Joy. I hate that nasal spray. Hate it so much that, in spite of the fact that when I used it, before it was beginning to work a little, I stopped because I didn't like how it made my nose feel. Well, I got chewed out (very nicely, of course, my doc is a total sweetie) and I actually caved and promised to keep using it, in spite of my dislike for it. We're giving these meds a month to see how I progress then if I don't, it's to the ENT for me. Fun times.

I am awaiting a referral to a surgeon for my gallbladder. It's time for that sucker to go. I am having increasing pain and I am shitting. All. Of. The. Time. Draz'z Explosive Man has noting on me, lately. Should be entertaining, getting that sucker yanked out. I am kind of looking forward to it. Having the pain, discomfort and other loverly symptoms go away would be welcome.

So, after I got done at the doc's, I popped into Walgreen's to pick up my scripts and I needed shampoo, conditioner and cotton rounds and some 91% alcohol. That was all I intended to get. Yeah... Right. I got my shampoo and conditioner. Then I saw a deep treatment that I wanted to try. Into the basket. Then I saw some Dove products, a "hair oil" (that is, in truth mostly silicone) and a detangling spray that were two for six dollars. Both went into the basket. Next, I went trolling through the makeup area. Ah! There is that new Wet-N-Wild eye primer. Why not? Oooo! That Loreal Infallible shadow I have been kind of lemming on... Yes! It's mine. Cruise past the Cover Girl... Hey! There is that new Clump Crusher mascara I am hearing such great things about! One tube in very black added to the haul. Then I grabbed cotton rounds and ovals and headed for the register. I thought I'd spend twenty bucks or so when I walked into the joint. I spent seventy-two. 0_0

And I forgot my fucking alcohol. And eye makeup remover. *sigh* If I had a brain, I'd be dangerous.

And another ten bucks poorer.

Damn, shit is expensive! Even in the drugstore.

My hair looks so jacked up, right now. I am in desperate need of a visit to my stylist. I'm scheduled for the 17th. I was supposed to go on the 4th but I had the plague and I like my stylist and I didn't want to give her my viri.

Oh. Shit. I forgot to get a flu shot.

Brain.

I haz none.

She's Not Dead, Jim

I'm alive! I survived my cold and am feeling a whole hell of a lot more human. Yay! I still need to see my doc, tho. I have an issue with my throat, beak, ears and neck... I suspect it is all connected, as the symptoms hit and clustered together pretty much at the same time.

So yeah... This cold wasn't hideous, I have certainly weathered worse. I'm glad to have it over, tho.

I am enjoying this freakishly warm for this time of year weather while it lasts. We're supposed to get some cold and snow, soon. Right now, temps in the fifties feels like Paradise. No snow is certainly that! LOL

You know why I love my DVR? I can fast forward through the blah-blah-blah, waaahh-waaahh-waaahh, scale speeches and the kid centric portions of The Biggest Loser. You know what I have liked about The Biggest Loser, so far? The Red Line. I LOVE the red line! I hate the voting process, the scrambling, the alliances, the games and bullshit. The red line is clean and simple. I assume that they are going back to the stupid voting process, next week. Oh vell. It was fun, while it lasted.

Other than that, I am on a real snore fest for my life. Which isn't a bad thing, when I think about it. Lack of drama in life is not a reason to bitch.

I have finally figures out how to do a rope braid. In fact, my hair is in one, right now. I like. I also finally grok how to do a herringbone braid. I still need to practice that one but I have, at last, grasped the concept. I am so hair do, braid and updo challenged. Probably not a hot idea when you have as much hair as I do but yep. That's how it is. 

Dog Meat on a Cracker

Click play. You know you want to. :D

My plague has advanced into my chest and I am coughing. A lot. I have mild chronic asthma and every virus that infests my being likes to, sooner or later nestle right into my chest and wreak havoc on my poor lungs. Add to that, the side of my neck/throat up into my right ear and the side of my beak, across my face to my right ear are plugged, swollen and hurt and well, I am a very unhappy camper. I have an appointment with my doc on Wednesday. Blearch! I want more chicken soup. And my mommy.

I feel like dog meat on a cracker. Call the Waaambulance. 

I'm in the mood to knit. I'm not sure what, yet. I just know that I want some new, slick, fast needles, some beautiful wool and a fabulous cable pattern. I love to cable. It is so easy, yet so satisfying. The pattern is so intricate and looks as if it would turn you inside out to do but really, it's easy-peasy. Knitting in the round? Not so fucking much. One day I need to watch some videos and dedicate myself to learning how, once and for all. I have sock yarn and needles eating their heads off for lack of exercise. 

I need to stop trolling YouTube and go to bed. 

Bringer of the Gushy Food

Marley has no use for anyone, as cats tend to do. Unless it is 7:00 in the morning and he wants his gushy food. He awaits me at the top of the stairs, having heard me stirring around and getting up. As I come out of my room, the meowing begins. Insistent, demanding. Sometimes loud and strident, others, barely audible, rusty, baby kitten starving to death without the strength to create actual sound. He dogs my footsteps as I move around my kitchen, putting on the water for my coffee, taking my morning meds and vitamins, feeding the dog, getting Marley his crunchies.

Crunchies he doesn't want. In the morning, Marley is all about the gushy food. He gets a quarter of a can of Fancy Feast Classic in a seafood variety of some kind. He insists that all gushy food be seafood; he will eat chicken, beef, turkey cooked or raw but won't tolerate it in his gushy food. Picky little snot. Anyway, until I get that quarter can into a small ceramic dish, properly mushed and fluffed just so, served up on his windowsill, he doesn't back off. How many mornings have I almost killed myself tripping over his little orange ass as I stumble around the kitchen in my sleep induced haze? You would think that he would know better than to come within a mile of me before my first cup of coffee but the pull of the gushy food is too powerful and he is totally willing to risk bodily injury to nag me into feeding it to him even faster.

My head is bad, this morning. It's so nice to have a cold and a migraine at the same time, lemme tell ya. 

I remembered to move my hair appointment. This way I won't bring the plague in and infect everyone at the salon. I'm such an angel. I had to book for the seventeenth. I have roots-a-plenty now. My hair is going to look seriously jacked up by the middle of the month. *sigh* Oh well. That is what I get for having one of the most popular stylists in town. I get why she is in so high demand, she is good. And she respects how I feel about my hair. She never breathes a word of complaint about working with my masses of tresses, she never tries to pressure me into chopping my hair and she is happy to work with me as I grow it ever longer. And she doesn't charge me outrageous amounts of money. A roots touch up and tone is sixty-five bucks. Not bad for a higher end salon and the fact that my hair is thick and past my waist and needs precise attention to get just the right shade of blonde and not destroy the structural integrity of all of this hair. She is a treasure and it would be worth it at twice the price. My wallet is happy that it isn't that much, tho.

I wonder of those little fabric hoses are really as good as the commercials say they are? I should look up reviews and see what people are saying. They look good... And would be so handy to have around. I hate using the big, heavy hose we have, I'd love something lightweight and easy to handle.

It smells like pumpkin and spice in here, thanks to that candle. It must be strong for me to be able to smell it with my racked up beak.

Migrating

So my cold is migrating into my chest. No surprise there. Blech. I hope this one doesn't linger too long. At least I am only feeling moderately sick. I can still do housework (slowly) and so on so it isn't as if I am laid low. I will admit that I am milking this a little. Just a little tiny bit.

I have a hair appointment Friday, I need to remember to call tomorrow and move it to next Friday or Saturday, I don't think that dragging the plague into the salon would be a friendly or very welcome thing for me to do.

Want to know what really sucks about being sick? I don't feel like going out shopping and I have a little Christmas money burning a hole in my wallet and the sales are on, baby. I think I'll go wash my face, brush my choppers, braid my hair and go to bed. I'z tired.

Purple

I don't know how long I will be able to stand this template and colour scheme. I like it for the present.

I am groggy, thanks to the Advil PM I took last night to help me sleep. I have trouble sleeping when I am ill and it knocks me out but it also gives me weird dreams and I feel as if I am pushing through pea soup in the morning. Blech. But I need rest if I am going to get over this stupid cold, so...

The pets are taken care of for the morning, I am drinking copious amounts of coffee and trying to decide if I feel well enough to swatch, or not. I have a bit of a backlog of polishes I need to get swatched and photographed. I am thinking of monitizing my polish blog. I always thought that I would not, that it was a passion/hobby blog. I am not anti-PR or anything... I work with companies from time to time, tho I am choosy. I only work with those I know or feel to be reputable and of good quality. I won't whore myself out for samples. On the other hand, it wouldn't hurt my feelings if I could get in with more PR companies. It isn't that I am trolling for free stuff but purchasing the majority of my product is tough on the old pocketbook.

And that is where monitizing comes in. If I can make some money off of my blog from views and ad revenue I might have enough to help defray my expenses a bit. Buy more product, grow my collection and allow me to branch out a bit as I have been longing to do. Maybe I could even make enough to buy the new camera and some photography equipment I have been lusting after. I am not one of the "big dog" bloggers in the polish/beauty realm but my blog has a decent following, readership and pretty good numbers, overall. I also have a page ranking that is equal to some of the big dogs so maybe it would be worth a shot.I need to stop being such a chicken and stop thinking that I am not good enough and that I can't do it. That is a huge obstacle to me.

Shit. I just used up the last of my creamer. This will be the last cup of coffee until I can get to the store. I love coffee but I don't do it black. I like it somewhat sweet and very creamy. Probably why I adore cappuccinos and lattes so very, very much. LOL

Okay time to get on with my morning, such as it will be, today. Too much activity leave me feeling a little swirly in the noggin and makes me cough so I am not going to push myself.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

A new year, a new blog name, a new outlook.

I was too centered on weight. Weight. Weight in this blog. It was bordering on obsessive and it was utterly out of balance. Which is one reason, I feel that I went so gung ho then crashed and burned so hard.

It overwhelmed and chased me away. I have wanted to blog so many times but felt as I I couldn't... As if I had no right because I wasn't on track, wasn't losing, wasn't obsessed. I am not going there any more.

My watchword for 2013 is Balance. There is more to life than weight. And yes, it is something I will still talk about and I have to. I have to address it and I have to get back on track. But it is no longer going to be the sole focus of my life or this blog.

Just a quick abut the weight issue... In the last two years I have managed to gain about 60 pounds. I am not happy about it. I am pretty fucking mad at myself and I plan to turn this around. More on that, later.

I decided to change the name of my blog to reflect my new attitude of more balance. And because it is a fun name. I am a housewife. And I am madder than a hater so it seemed to be a good fit. I thought about starting a new blog, altogether and deleting this one but ya know what? I have put a lot of work into this one, it is part of me, it contains part of my history and looking back over it can serve a purpose to me so I am going to sojourn on as it is.

Onward.

Time for a new header and background. I keep Icy Nails mobile friendly and wide appeal friendly, a little more pro. This is my personal space, I am going to have some fun with it. :D 

Life is marching on... Sabryna, surprisingly enough is still with us. She is very old and has a tough time getting around but she can still walk around, she can go outside to do her doodies and she is eating well and, as long as she gets her daily Advil, doesn't seem to be in too much pain. We are just keeping her comfortable and happy and loving on her for as long as she is here. If she makes it to Spring, I'll be shocked. We're still in the condo... We can't move Sabryna, she wouldn't take well to a move, physically and her eyesight is so bad now that she would have a really hard time trying to adjust and find her way around.

Thanks to William I have the cold from Hell. He had it over Christmas and now it is my turn. Urgh! I am miserable and pissed to the gills! I hate being sick.

We took all of the Christmas decorations down, today. I felt like shit on a cracker and the last thing I felt like doing was un decorating the house but it didn't take too long and now that it is done, I'm glad that it is. The house looks so bare and empty and kind of sad. And it is echo-y in here. It feels like that for a day or two after all of the sparkly stuff comes down.

Okay I'm going shopping for a new background and header.