Thursday, January 31, 2013

Draped in Dust and Cobwebs

My poor, poor blog. Neglected and unloved. But not forgotten.

Life gets boring. I don't feel as if I have much to talk about so it slips out of my immediate thoughts and lurks, in the back of my mind like a spider clinging to her web in a high corner of the room. Watching, aware and waiting for my attention.

I am ready to pay some, now. I need to. I need to talk and this is where I need to do it, so that I can get it out and howl and no one will have to listen to it.

The other day, I got a Facebook message from one of my brothers to call him, that my mother was in the hospital. I called him, (my brother) and he told me that my mother had collapsed and that her live in guy had had to call an ambulance for her. It turns out that her blood sugar had become dangerously high and had been for a while, making her feel weak and unable to function normally. When she got to the E.R. her blood sugar was over 500 and she was in crisis. Thankfully, the docs and nurses were able to treat her and get her stabilized. It was decided that they would keep her overnight and, in light of some other things she has been going through a lot of tests were run and because she is seventy, now they did a CAT scan, as well. Routine, so it seems for people her age.

As anyone who has read here for any length of time knows, my mother has breast cancer. She chose not to go with conventional treatment, adopting a change her nutrition and wait  and see approach. In spite of urging from so many of us, this was the life path she chose to take and while I certainly didn't agree with it, I have to respect it. Her body, her choices. Anyway, the CAT scan revealed that the mass in her breast has spread to her lymph nodes and throat and neck. She doesn't have much in the way of treatment options. She is home, stable and following doctor's orders.Two of my brothers were able were able to get there and they have been champions, helping her get things taken care of, things that she hasn't been able to deal with on her own for a while because she hasn't been well. And wasn't sharing this information with any of us.

Mother... The original independent, hardheaded, "I'll do it myself!" lady. It is just how she rolls. And nothing is going to change that. LOL Damn it. Grrr!

Anyway, she is doing better, right now. I finally got my shit together and picked up the phone and called her, this morning and she sounds pretty good. Stronger. She knows that she is in trouble, she knows that her diagnosis is bad but she is strong, good with it and at peace. She has a sense of acceptance that I find mind blowing, optimism but not rose coloured glasses delusion, she is just... good. We had a really great talk, we got to say what we needed to say for now and, yeah. We will get to have more good talks. We will get to have some kind of closure, I guess. Lord, I hate that word. It is so pat, stupidly overused and it irritates me.

I am not okay with all of this. Not even fucking close. I am in shock and I am sad, angry as hell and railing inside. But I am also working hard to accept, to be at peace with this. To understand, to respect and to let what is inevitable happen in it's fullness of time and then go forward. Mother is strong in her faith, in the knowledge that she is safe in the hands of the Lord, come what may. I am praying hard for that same peace.

I have some time... We have some time. As long as Mother remains stable and doesn't have a crisis, she has some time and that is something for which I am deeply grateful. I can't loose my touch stone, my true kindred spirit, just yet. I need that time, we need that time and I am going to cherish every minute of it and be grateful.

This is a disjointed mess. For that, I apologize to anyone who sees and reads this. I'll do better, later. Right now, I just needed to get it out. I needed to release it. I still have a lot of that to do but I hope that I am taking the first step.

Okay, enough. I am crying again, I need to. But I also need to pull it together and be stronger. I will. I just need to process all of this and work through it. I'll get there. I hope I get there.

For now, I need some distraction. Mother doesn't want me wallowing. She wants me to live. Do my thing. Be. I think that I am going to go out and goof around for a while. I have a little shopping I need to do, a few things I need to pick up. Getting out of this house, driving, drifting through some stores and getting some fresh air sounds like just what I need. 

Okay, off to shower and put on a little makeup. I wonder how much concealer I can pack on to these dark circles? LOL 


  1. This is not a disjointed is REAL. Your pain is real and you're allowed to feel it regardless of how at peace with it your mother is. She is strong but you are too....because you're her daughter. xoxo

  2. Awe I am so sorry to hear this about your mom. I know you mentioned she was sick but I didn't realize how serious it was. Hang in there and sending you love and virtual hugs. Just remember if you ever need to vent your virtual friends are here. Hugs

  3. Drazil said it perfectly. This is not is real! ohmygawd I felt that burning sting of fright and the eerie discomfort of "this is too close for comfort" as I read it. My mom had breast cancer a few years ago. I work with her and have most of my adult life. We have a mom/daughter relationship but also a boss/employee relationship. It's a weird, bizarre situation with us but what you said struck a nerve -- you're just not ready yet. I still have that thought every day nearly. It would be quite an unusual situation and person who WOULD be ready for it. I wish you all the strength, security and courage you need. Hang in there...Hugs and peace from another internet friend. :D

  4. Oh boy - independent mums, health worries, how much 'time'... oh, my dear, I am right with you on this, and it HURTS.
    Like AllysonB, I too wish you the strength to carry on through what is a very rough period. Take care of you through it all and accept a hug from the UK.

  5. *hugs* You and your mom have a lot in common--even an outsider can see it.

  6. All I can say is sorry that you're going through this, and I hope that one day you look back at each day now with a feeling that it was in the past and you're over it.

  7. Moms. We can't spank them or put them on restriction. Sometimes I think it's Karma for all those things we kept from them when we were teenagers. I know they're trying to save us worry but it's not working any better than it did in reverse. Hang in there. Health vibes going out for mom.


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