Draped in Dust and Cobwebs

My poor, poor blog. Neglected and unloved. But not forgotten.

Life gets boring. I don't feel as if I have much to talk about so it slips out of my immediate thoughts and lurks, in the back of my mind like a spider clinging to her web in a high corner of the room. Watching, aware and waiting for my attention.

I am ready to pay some, now. I need to. I need to talk and this is where I need to do it, so that I can get it out and howl and no one will have to listen to it.

The other day, I got a Facebook message from one of my brothers to call him, that my mother was in the hospital. I called him, (my brother) and he told me that my mother had collapsed and that her live in guy had had to call an ambulance for her. It turns out that her blood sugar had become dangerously high and had been for a while, making her feel weak and unable to function normally. When she got to the E.R. her blood sugar was over 500 and she was in crisis. Thankfully, the docs and nurses were able to treat her and get her stabilized. It was decided that they would keep her overnight and, in light of some other things she has been going through a lot of tests were run and because she is seventy, now they did a CAT scan, as well. Routine, so it seems for people her age.

As anyone who has read here for any length of time knows, my mother has breast cancer. She chose not to go with conventional treatment, adopting a change her nutrition and wait  and see approach. In spite of urging from so many of us, this was the life path she chose to take and while I certainly didn't agree with it, I have to respect it. Her body, her choices. Anyway, the CAT scan revealed that the mass in her breast has spread to her lymph nodes and throat and neck. She doesn't have much in the way of treatment options. She is home, stable and following doctor's orders.Two of my brothers were able were able to get there and they have been champions, helping her get things taken care of, things that she hasn't been able to deal with on her own for a while because she hasn't been well. And wasn't sharing this information with any of us.

Mother... The original independent, hardheaded, "I'll do it myself!" lady. It is just how she rolls. And nothing is going to change that. LOL Damn it. Grrr!

Anyway, she is doing better, right now. I finally got my shit together and picked up the phone and called her, this morning and she sounds pretty good. Stronger. She knows that she is in trouble, she knows that her diagnosis is bad but she is strong, good with it and at peace. She has a sense of acceptance that I find mind blowing, optimism but not rose coloured glasses delusion, she is just... good. We had a really great talk, we got to say what we needed to say for now and, yeah. We will get to have more good talks. We will get to have some kind of closure, I guess. Lord, I hate that word. It is so pat, stupidly overused and it irritates me.

I am not okay with all of this. Not even fucking close. I am in shock and I am sad, angry as hell and railing inside. But I am also working hard to accept, to be at peace with this. To understand, to respect and to let what is inevitable happen in it's fullness of time and then go forward. Mother is strong in her faith, in the knowledge that she is safe in the hands of the Lord, come what may. I am praying hard for that same peace.

I have some time... We have some time. As long as Mother remains stable and doesn't have a crisis, she has some time and that is something for which I am deeply grateful. I can't loose my touch stone, my true kindred spirit, just yet. I need that time, we need that time and I am going to cherish every minute of it and be grateful.

This is a disjointed mess. For that, I apologize to anyone who sees and reads this. I'll do better, later. Right now, I just needed to get it out. I needed to release it. I still have a lot of that to do but I hope that I am taking the first step.

Okay, enough. I am crying again, I need to. But I also need to pull it together and be stronger. I will. I just need to process all of this and work through it. I'll get there. I hope I get there.

For now, I need some distraction. Mother doesn't want me wallowing. She wants me to live. Do my thing. Be. I think that I am going to go out and goof around for a while. I have a little shopping I need to do, a few things I need to pick up. Getting out of this house, driving, drifting through some stores and getting some fresh air sounds like just what I need. 

Okay, off to shower and put on a little makeup. I wonder how much concealer I can pack on to these dark circles? LOL 

Coffee, Muscle Bound Hulks and Snow

So, it's supposed to snow. Get stupid cold, really windy and snow. Yuk. I guess that this is part of Winter Storm Gandolf? Okay, I have to ask... Is anyone else as endlessly amused by The Weather Channel trying to make "fetch" happen? StormCon and TorCon and Named Winter storms and the like are so funny, to me. Seriously... Who the hell is coming up with this shit? And how are they getting it on?

So, I'm sitting here, this morning. Drinking my coffee, getting my morning pins and twats and Facebook posts up for my polish blog and bantering with my son about my taking steroids. William was dusting and suddenly he turned to me and asked, "They aren't going to make you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, are they?" Bwahahaha! I have to admit, that was funny. I reassured him that no, they weren't going to turn me into a muscle bound hulk. He seems relieved.

Oh my sainted Aunt! I am such a fucking moron. I had to set the date on my camera, the other day after I replaced the batteries. For some reason it loses it's settings after a battery change, from time to time. And it has been happening more often. Anyway, back to being a fucking moron. When I re set the date, I set the year as, yep. You guessed it. 2012. You know what that means, photographs from two days in January of this year are slotted in with the January 2012 photographs. So, to get to them, I have to go hiking back to Jan. of 2012 every time I want to access them. Must change the date on my camera, ASAP. I am so not willing to put up with this nonsense long term.

If I had a brain I'd be dangerous.

I Gotz Weird Head Bonz

According to my doc, the way my bones are formed in my head and ears is the reason why my head is full of fluid, my ears are bulging, my face is swollen and I have constant post nasal drip. The drip and draining, but not proper draining is causing the swelling and irritation in my throat, puffing up my neck and my face and causing my ear pain. Good news is I don't have an infection. So I am now the proud owner of a pile of steroids, a seven day oral course and a long term commitment to nasal spray steroids.

Joy. I hate that nasal spray. Hate it so much that, in spite of the fact that when I used it, before it was beginning to work a little, I stopped because I didn't like how it made my nose feel. Well, I got chewed out (very nicely, of course, my doc is a total sweetie) and I actually caved and promised to keep using it, in spite of my dislike for it. We're giving these meds a month to see how I progress then if I don't, it's to the ENT for me. Fun times.

I am awaiting a referral to a surgeon for my gallbladder. It's time for that sucker to go. I am having increasing pain and I am shitting. All. Of. The. Time. Draz'z Explosive Man has noting on me, lately. Should be entertaining, getting that sucker yanked out. I am kind of looking forward to it. Having the pain, discomfort and other loverly symptoms go away would be welcome.

So, after I got done at the doc's, I popped into Walgreen's to pick up my scripts and I needed shampoo, conditioner and cotton rounds and some 91% alcohol. That was all I intended to get. Yeah... Right. I got my shampoo and conditioner. Then I saw a deep treatment that I wanted to try. Into the basket. Then I saw some Dove products, a "hair oil" (that is, in truth mostly silicone) and a detangling spray that were two for six dollars. Both went into the basket. Next, I went trolling through the makeup area. Ah! There is that new Wet-N-Wild eye primer. Why not? Oooo! That Loreal Infallible shadow I have been kind of lemming on... Yes! It's mine. Cruise past the Cover Girl... Hey! There is that new Clump Crusher mascara I am hearing such great things about! One tube in very black added to the haul. Then I grabbed cotton rounds and ovals and headed for the register. I thought I'd spend twenty bucks or so when I walked into the joint. I spent seventy-two. 0_0

And I forgot my fucking alcohol. And eye makeup remover. *sigh* If I had a brain, I'd be dangerous.

And another ten bucks poorer.

Damn, shit is expensive! Even in the drugstore.

My hair looks so jacked up, right now. I am in desperate need of a visit to my stylist. I'm scheduled for the 17th. I was supposed to go on the 4th but I had the plague and I like my stylist and I didn't want to give her my viri.

Oh. Shit. I forgot to get a flu shot.

Brain.

I haz none.

She's Not Dead, Jim

I'm alive! I survived my cold and am feeling a whole hell of a lot more human. Yay! I still need to see my doc, tho. I have an issue with my throat, beak, ears and neck... I suspect it is all connected, as the symptoms hit and clustered together pretty much at the same time.

So yeah... This cold wasn't hideous, I have certainly weathered worse. I'm glad to have it over, tho.

I am enjoying this freakishly warm for this time of year weather while it lasts. We're supposed to get some cold and snow, soon. Right now, temps in the fifties feels like Paradise. No snow is certainly that! LOL

You know why I love my DVR? I can fast forward through the blah-blah-blah, waaahh-waaahh-waaahh, scale speeches and the kid centric portions of The Biggest Loser. You know what I have liked about The Biggest Loser, so far? The Red Line. I LOVE the red line! I hate the voting process, the scrambling, the alliances, the games and bullshit. The red line is clean and simple. I assume that they are going back to the stupid voting process, next week. Oh vell. It was fun, while it lasted.

Other than that, I am on a real snore fest for my life. Which isn't a bad thing, when I think about it. Lack of drama in life is not a reason to bitch.

I have finally figures out how to do a rope braid. In fact, my hair is in one, right now. I like. I also finally grok how to do a herringbone braid. I still need to practice that one but I have, at last, grasped the concept. I am so hair do, braid and updo challenged. Probably not a hot idea when you have as much hair as I do but yep. That's how it is.