In the Home Stretch

We made the final BK payment this week and today we took the pre discharge online class. We will have our certificates tomorrow morning then as soon as our trustee posts our final payment, we can fax the last few documents to our attorney, get our discharge, close our case and we will be finished. I hope that all said and done, this will be completely over some time in July. By the time our case closes, we will have been in Chapter 13 hell for almost four years. We are finally nearing the end of a nightmare that has lasted longer than I care to remember and I feel an immense sense of relief that it is almost over.

Anyone who says Bankruptcy is an easy way out, a way to live high then run out on your debts, immoral or wrong has clearly never needed to file. We didn't file to take the easy way out or to run out on our bills. We, like a lot of people, got bitchslapped by the economy and started drowning, financially. We weren't living high. Just the opposite. We were just trying to survive. We didn't have new cars, fancy clothes, a slick house. We didn't take vacations, we didn't send our kid to a private school. We just wanted to pay our bills and keep food on the table. And as time went on, that got harder and harder. We got caught in an evil cycle and, no matter what we did, how hard we tried there was no pulling out of it.

Bankruptcy for us was a very last resort after we exhausted all of our other options. You don't go into a Ch.13 lightly. A large number of people who file Ch.13 never complete the process. It is hard. It is hell. But we got through it. And we are coming out the other end. Yes, we will get a discharge for much of our debt but we also, in the last three years, paid a lot of it, through the plan. We didn't get off easy. We didn't get off for free. We are not ashamed of what we did and we make no apologies. Bankruptcy saved us and is giving us a chance. That is all we ever wanted.

I think that I can finally dare to breathe, again. It is a pretty fantastic feeling. One I haven't enjoyed for many, many years.

Hot it is, today. We are enjoying near record warm temps. Thanks to the way our condo is built, we have had to start using our A/C. I wouldn't normally run it for days that are in the 80's but it gets like an oven in the upstairs main living area and it is necessary to keep from frying out our brains. I am looking forward to finding a house, better built, better insulated, maybe with some trees around it? Whoever said that it is cool up here in Prescott fucking lied.

I need to go out for a walk. Hopefully I can talk doofus brain in to it. 

Pulling Myself Up By My Bootstraps

I had a pretty fantastic day, yesterday. I ate on track and walked and had a calmer mind and spirit and didn't tell myself that I am a fat, stupid, ugly, worthless, undeserving pig who should just fall into a dark hole and stay the fuck there. I still believe that I am those things. But I am trying to teach myself that I shouldn't say them to myself. Maybe once I stop saying them, I can begin to stop believing them. What say? Is it possible? We shall see.

I am working hard to do as well, today. 306 on my scale scared the shit out of me. I have to go in the right direction and stop this spiral back into my former hell. I don't want to go back there. I won't.

I am dating a new camera. William picked it out and brought it home to me. I was not happy with it. I still am not. I didn't want another Fuji. They are bad about having focusing issues and this new camera is no exception. I am frustrated by my inability to get it to give me the quality photos I need. I am still working with it, it is a better camera than my old point and shoot and would be a good bridge camera to hold me over until I can afford the one I really, really want. I have received a few tips and I am going to try them. I need this camera to work for me.

I am not happy with William, either. Once again, he went against my wishes and made a decision for me. I appreciate that he wanted to get me a new camera. I don't appreciate that he got the one I didn't want them insisted that I was wrong for being angry at him for once again taking what little control I have in my life away from me and doing what he thought should be done. Regardless of my feelings about the situation. He actually made me feel like a raging shit bitch for being upset. He made me feel guilty and as if I had hurt him, ruined his experience. I didn't get to shop and compare and fuss and hem and haw and read reviews and go back and forth and all the stuff I love, love, love to do when making a purchase of this importance. He took all of that away from me then made me feel like the lowest scum on the face of the planet when I didn't thank him for it.

And a part of me hates him for that. And a part of me hates myself for once again, bowing to his manipulations and letting him make me feel like dogshit. Again.

Anywhoozle, I have a little time before the camera has to be returned so I am trying to make it work for me. If I can't, back it goes. And fuck William or what he thinks about it. *deep breath*

I'm drinking my water. I hope that all of you are, too.

Anyone watch the latest The Biggest Loser? Whiners, much? Big, fat, babies who are so entitled and spoiled and snotty and disregarding the fact that they are adults who read and signed a contract and knew that twists like the one presented (or was going to be presented to them) happen on that program. Stop being four year olds and grow the fuck up, get over yourselves and get on with it.

Then there is Jeremy, the ogler of women waaaay out of his league (I am not referring too his weight, his maturity level and personality, only) who thinks that he is all that and actually stands a chance. He was one of the whiners, the babies crying and complaining about one of the at home players being brought back. He packed his bags and threatened to leave because it wasn't fair. He deserved the final. Not who had been eliminated.

He got eliminated.

Guess who is going to compete his ass off to get back into the game?

Yeah.

I seriously doubt that pudding brained idiot is going to say that it would be unfair for him to get back in the game after being eliminated, that he doesn't "deserve" the chance and bow out. Oh no. He will go for it and if he gets back in, crow about how fabulous he is.

Gag.

If either he or his mouth breathing, whining, entitled, backstabbing sister win, I will not be happy. I can't stand either of them. Conda really pissed me off when she reacted the way she did to Kim winning the weigh in and the car and Jeremy being ousted. She showed her true colours, her true self that time. And it was deplorable. And if I hear her whine about how she and her brother "deserve" this one more time...

Am I the only one who thinks that the word "deserve" is overused? You don't "deserve" a win or a place in the finals. You earn it.

Wow. Not that I am bitchy or anything.

Okay. So. I have to pee and I have some photos to edit and some other stuff to do. I also need to get out for a walk, later. We are going to try the trails out by the park. The lake trails are just too buggy. I inhaled ten pounds of gnats, last night. I actually had to wash some out of my teeth with my water. Yuk!!!

Fuckity-Fuck!

So, a whole boule of sourdough bread  and three quarters of a jar of peanut butter, bags of chips, huge plates of not so healthy foods, dedicated inactivity. No wonder I stepped on my scale this morning and saw 306.6. Yeah. That was a dash of ice water in my face. Reality check. Check.

In one year I managed to put 24 pounds back on. Fuck.

I don't blame anyone else. It was entirely my own fault. No one held a gun to my head and forced me to gorge and binge and stuff food and my feelings and my frustrations and so forth down my greedy assed pie hole. 

I did well, food wise, yesterday and walked. I can do better, and will. I can walk every day possible and will because I can't. I won't.  Continue this horror spiral. I don't deserve it and I am not going to continue to abuse myself this way. I have to use more positive and not food centric ways to deal with my pain, anger and fears. Stuffing them down with food only exacerbates my pain, both physically and mentally and it is only further damaging my health. So, I mustmustmust keep my shit together and do the right thing for me.

I had coffee and oatmeal with sliced strawberries for brekkie. I am drinking my water and chewing sugarless gum when the urge to chew hits me. Time to re educate myself and get back on my healthy track and back into my rhythm that worked so well for me. Correction. Works so well for me. My success isn't in the past. It is my future.

Yes, it is.

Happy Easter

I hope that everyone who celebrates is having a wonderful Easter. And for those of you who don't, a terrific Sunday. :D

It is sunny and warm, here. We are expecting the high to be in the mid seventies. Just a perfect Spring day. We don't really have any plans, a quiet, relaxing day sounds nice.

I have had my morning coffee, patched a cracked nail, repainted my accent nails and did a little simple nail art in Spring colours in celebration of the day and I am contemplating a late brekkie. Oatmeal? I don't know... I need to eat but I am not all that hungry.

My allergies and sinuses are driving me insane. Urgh! I had a migraine, yesterday. I took Imitrex, it helped a little but it just mostly made me feel weird. I get this odd, slightly floaty feeling and a tightening in my neck and chest. I am still not sure about that stuff. *shrug*

It's a beautiful day to be good to myself. Something I have done precious little of, lately.

ETA: Yay!!! My favicon is finally showing up! The one I attached to my nail blog finally popped up, yesterday and this one just popped up. So, it just needs a day or so then it works. Good to know. :D

White Space

I have really become enamored of very simple blog designs, lately. Weird, for me, the Empress of Overkill. I am just really liking a sleek, simple layout and crisp font and lots of white space on my blogs. That may change, one day but for now, Yeah. :) Also, I have started to fall in love with the new interface. I have spent some time playing with it and it kinda rocks. I am having trouble with the favicon feature. I uploaded my image and it isn't working and I can't find any help in the help forums. That is one area where I am not happy. The help feature is pretty shitty, now. Worse than it was. Blech!

Tradeoffs, I suppose.

It's a nice, warm day and I am listening to music through my new earbuds. Did you know that those things can die? My old set did. I was only getting sound into one ear. Yikes! Not pleasant, lemme tell ya. Eh... ten bucks for a year of hard use. I guess I got my money's worth.

Patrick went out and bought himself a new pair of sneakers. He has big feet. His new shoes are white. His feet look like ginormous land yachts. I'm surprised that he isn't tripping and falling over those enormous things.

Happy Easter, tomorrow to everyone who celebrates. <3

I Blame the Painters!

I had to file my damned nails back. Again. You see, we have to lock the cat in my room, downstairs to keep him from bolting out of the open doors while the painters are doing their thing. Today, we locked Marley in my room, as usual. Unfortunately, when I went downstairs to go in to use my bathroom, he wasn't hiding under my bed, as usual. He was lurking right by the door and when I opened it, he bolted. I tried to grab him but I missed. Marley went streaking up the stairs and I came up empty handed and with a broken nail.

Fuck!

I was unable to repair and patch my nail so I was forced to grab my files and Mambo buffer and take all ten of my nails down.

Again.

I am so sick of filing my nails off! Since I had a bad break in January, I haven't had any success in growing my nails. I get them out a bit and something befalls them and I have to file them down, again. *sigh* Thankfully, shorties can be cute, too. They are lilac, today. :D

The painters are finally finished. Poor Marley is so freaked out by being locked in my room for hours on end for three days that he doesn't trust anyone and keeps running from us and hiding. I feel so bad for the little guy. It isn't fair that he had to be made so upset.

Okay, I have to run. I have places to go and things to do.

Strangers Amung Us

So, the landlord thought that this Spring is the perfect time to repaint our building. I have a perfect stranger coming into my house to prep and paint the doors. Do not like. I am not comfortable with this and I wish that I could have left for the day. Not happy. I feel as if I am in a fishbowl and I am unable to even eat my breakfast.

Okay, am I the only one who hates the new Blogger interface?

I know that this isn't much of an entry. I am trying, here. I am digging out. I really want to. :)

I am currently obsessed with this song. :D

I am not going to switch back to the old interface. I am going to force myself to get used to this one. :D