Pulling Myself Up By My Bootstraps

I had a pretty fantastic day, yesterday. I ate on track and walked and had a calmer mind and spirit and didn't tell myself that I am a fat, stupid, ugly, worthless, undeserving pig who should just fall into a dark hole and stay the fuck there. I still believe that I am those things. But I am trying to teach myself that I shouldn't say them to myself. Maybe once I stop saying them, I can begin to stop believing them. What say? Is it possible? We shall see.

I am working hard to do as well, today. 306 on my scale scared the shit out of me. I have to go in the right direction and stop this spiral back into my former hell. I don't want to go back there. I won't.

I am dating a new camera. William picked it out and brought it home to me. I was not happy with it. I still am not. I didn't want another Fuji. They are bad about having focusing issues and this new camera is no exception. I am frustrated by my inability to get it to give me the quality photos I need. I am still working with it, it is a better camera than my old point and shoot and would be a good bridge camera to hold me over until I can afford the one I really, really want. I have received a few tips and I am going to try them. I need this camera to work for me.

I am not happy with William, either. Once again, he went against my wishes and made a decision for me. I appreciate that he wanted to get me a new camera. I don't appreciate that he got the one I didn't want them insisted that I was wrong for being angry at him for once again taking what little control I have in my life away from me and doing what he thought should be done. Regardless of my feelings about the situation. He actually made me feel like a raging shit bitch for being upset. He made me feel guilty and as if I had hurt him, ruined his experience. I didn't get to shop and compare and fuss and hem and haw and read reviews and go back and forth and all the stuff I love, love, love to do when making a purchase of this importance. He took all of that away from me then made me feel like the lowest scum on the face of the planet when I didn't thank him for it.

And a part of me hates him for that. And a part of me hates myself for once again, bowing to his manipulations and letting him make me feel like dogshit. Again.

Anywhoozle, I have a little time before the camera has to be returned so I am trying to make it work for me. If I can't, back it goes. And fuck William or what he thinks about it. *deep breath*

I'm drinking my water. I hope that all of you are, too.

Anyone watch the latest The Biggest Loser? Whiners, much? Big, fat, babies who are so entitled and spoiled and snotty and disregarding the fact that they are adults who read and signed a contract and knew that twists like the one presented (or was going to be presented to them) happen on that program. Stop being four year olds and grow the fuck up, get over yourselves and get on with it.

Then there is Jeremy, the ogler of women waaaay out of his league (I am not referring too his weight, his maturity level and personality, only) who thinks that he is all that and actually stands a chance. He was one of the whiners, the babies crying and complaining about one of the at home players being brought back. He packed his bags and threatened to leave because it wasn't fair. He deserved the final. Not who had been eliminated.

He got eliminated.

Guess who is going to compete his ass off to get back into the game?

Yeah.

I seriously doubt that pudding brained idiot is going to say that it would be unfair for him to get back in the game after being eliminated, that he doesn't "deserve" the chance and bow out. Oh no. He will go for it and if he gets back in, crow about how fabulous he is.

Gag.

If either he or his mouth breathing, whining, entitled, backstabbing sister win, I will not be happy. I can't stand either of them. Conda really pissed me off when she reacted the way she did to Kim winning the weigh in and the car and Jeremy being ousted. She showed her true colours, her true self that time. And it was deplorable. And if I hear her whine about how she and her brother "deserve" this one more time...

Am I the only one who thinks that the word "deserve" is overused? You don't "deserve" a win or a place in the finals. You earn it.

Wow. Not that I am bitchy or anything.

Okay. So. I have to pee and I have some photos to edit and some other stuff to do. I also need to get out for a walk, later. We are going to try the trails out by the park. The lake trails are just too buggy. I inhaled ten pounds of gnats, last night. I actually had to wash some out of my teeth with my water. Yuk!!!