Friday, June 10, 2011

Has it Really Been a Week?

Boy... Talk about avoidance. I can do it well. And, was I ever. I knew that I was neglecting myself, I knew that I wasn't nourishing myself properly. I was making excuses, justifying this treat and that handful of something salty. And avoiding my blog just enabled my behaviour.

So, the avoidance went to ground, yesterday. I got on my scale. For the first time in a long time and... I was exactly the same weight I was last time I weighed, lo, so long ago. So, okay. I maintained. I feel as if I dodged a bullet. But not so much, really, when you think about it. I had to have lost a little then gained it back with my idiotic eating. So, winner? Uh... No.


Hell yeah.

Seeing 285 in glaring black and grey, not speculating, not justifying, not bullshitting myself gave me a little Come to Jesus moment and I had a stellar day, yesterday. I plan to do the same today. I am not going to think about tomorrow. I will deal with that when it comes.

My knee is better. I am planning to hit the trails tonight. And hopefully all will go well with that. I have had to rest this frakking knee for over a week and I need exercise. I need fresh air and I need to get back into my rhythm.

I had a nice, long chat with my mother, the other day. I was supposed to be cleaning my bathroom but I decided that I needed to hear my mother's voice more than I needed to be inhaling cleaner fumes so I give her a shout. I was only going to procrastinate on the phone for a few minutes but we ended up talking for over an hour and a half. She is doing fine. She still won't go get testing and treatment. She keeps looking us shit on the Internet and following what she reads. I finally broke down and told her how I truly feel about what she is doing. I couldn't hold back and thankfully, our relationship is good enough, our understanding of one another so deep that she gets that I needed to express my anger at the situation and my fear for her and not be offended or angered.

I needed to say the things I did. And she needed to hear them. It cleared the air between us and it took a humongous weight off my shoulders. A weight I wasn't even aware was there until I unloaded it. I love my mother. She isn't just my mother. She is my best friend, my closest kindred spirit and my hero. And I needed her to hear that and too hear that while I don't agree with her choices, that I want her to take an entirely different course, I love her, I respect her right to make her own choices about her body and her health and I support her. No matter what.

Shit! I'm crying, again. I went through this when my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. So, having another parent with cancer is a little much for me to absorb, sometimes.

Breathe! Okay.

It is going to be a warm one, today. Projected high is 89. It is 72, already. But with the windows open and the fans on it is nice, in here. Later, when the sun swings over and heats this joint up I will have to close the place down and fire up the A/C. The way this place is built, the sun beats down all day and by afternoon, it get stifling in here. I avoid using the A/C as much as I can but it is necessary in the afternoon. After the sin goes down and the house is cooled, we can usually turn it off, open the windows and be fine. A little warm but not too bad.

I think that Summer is ramping up, at last around here. It is nothing compared to the heatwave in other areas of the country, for sure. Any of you reading this (is anyone still reading? lol) in the superstupidhothothot areas stay cool and stay safe! Especially when you are out exercising. Go early in the morning or after the sun starts to set. That is a little wisdom from your friend in the Desert Southwest. ;)

So, yes. I am back. No more avoidance. No more bullshit. I need your blogs and words and support and I need to care enough about myself to keep on keeping on. I need to stop with the stupid excuses, justifications, laziness and avoiding my scale. I am worth staying my course, getting this job done and saving my life and my health. And I need all of your help. I can't stay away and do this all by myself.

Besides, I miss all of you. Terribly. And the longer I avoided my blog and yours, the worse I felt.

Okay I need to have my coffee and brekkie and catch up on blogs, here. I also need to do some housework, get my face on and do my nails. I got a new pretty in the mail yesterday and I am dying to get it on my nails. :D


  1. Hugs, Erika. I will be keeping you and your mom in my thoughts.

  2. Erika, Consider this a BIG CYBER HUG!!! I totally feel you regarding the circumstances with your mother. I am so glad you were able to talk to her and let her know how you are feeling. That is so important. You also won when you stepped on the scale. You didn't gain anything. That is awesome. I am back now in the blogging world and hope to continue to support you like you have always supported me. :)


  3. Yes, keep on writing. Even if it's just a "quickie". Connect.
    I'm sorry it's rough right now. Do keep going and congratulations on maintaining!!! That's huge. Don't squander that reprieve.
    Having a second parent with cancer really is too much. My thoughts are with you all.
    Lastly, I'm terrible about doing my nails and it's the one thing my husband would really like. He's never given me a moments grief about weight, but he really wants me to have nicely painted toes (especially toes.)
    You inspire me. I love that little picture of pink fingernails that links to your nail blog.
    Take care and hugs to you. (I'm an unrepentant virtual hugger... )

  4. Good for your for facing what's bothering you. It's hard but I think it took a huge amount of strength and bravery for speaking your mind.

    I hope your knee feels better and have a great weekend!

  5. Erika, I am sending all sorts of warm thoughts out to you and your mom at this stressful time for you both. A very dear friend of mine is battling cancer right now. We are always here for you weather you check in every day or once a week. That's what we're here for, to help support, lift up and listen. As long as you check in with us, we're not keeping a tally of how many times you check in, we just miss you when you aren't here. : ) w/affection.

  6. Honestly - you have no idea how much I miss you when you're not here - in my daily life....I think of you every day. NOT one of us can make your pain about your mother easier or less - but we can understand and sympathize and send you countless prayers and or not - that's what I'm doing. You are NOT lazy. You ARE worth this journey. You ARE human. I am glad your mother has you and your honesty...and selfishly, I'm glad to have found you. My world isn't the same when you're not blogging. xoxo

  7. Back on track and we're all here for the journey together! No more excuses, you're worth the hard work it will take to get yourself back!

  8. I was concerned that your week was going as it was but I knew my Erika would come through. I am so glad to hear you got to talk long and hard with your mom. I know how very much she means to you, sweetie. Hey! I saw an ad for a new thing in nail polish by OPI. It gives the nails a crackle finish, like antiques often have on them. I know that might sound awful but it looked kinda cool in the advert. Keep your eyes peeled!


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