Sunday, January 1, 2012

A Squandered Year

2011. I squandered it. It was my own choice... No one held a gun to my head. I wasn't forced. I made my own choices. Some were good. More weren't so much. I know that i am a few pounds heavier. Closer to 300, again. I don't think that I am over that mark. I need to get a new battery for my scale, grow a pair and step on it and find out for sure. I can still fit into my jeans so I know that I didn't do a terrible amount of damage to myself.

But I did damage. And in more ways than just a number on the scale. I allowed some of my old, injurious behaviours to take control and I allowed my self to indulge in self abuse. I punished myself and hated myself. I inflicted more damage, rather than working so hard toward healing. And I wasted a whole year. Rather than moving steadily toward my goal for 2011, I went steadily away from it. And yes, I am angry with myself for it.

I can't change that. That is the past. This is now and I have the power to move forward. To set a goal and to achieve it. I can do this. I know that I can. Hell... I have. I mean, I am down over a hundred pounds from my all time high weight so I am aware that I have it in me to thrive and to make this happen. I need to remember to feed off if that; to feed off of my past success, to build it and nurture it and myself.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am worthy.

I have had a very good few days. Not stellar but good. And I have gotten some exercise and I feel better, this morning. A little smaller, by body has that squishy, shrinking feeling to it. I like that feeling. :D I like it a lot. And I want it to continue.

I am setting my goals for 2012. Not resolutions. Goals. I would like to make it to 250 by the first of July and I want to hit Onderland by the end of this year. I want to ring in 2013 with a one as the first number on my scale.

I am setting a goal to post in this blog, regardless of what kind of day I am having. No more chickening out and neglecting the part of me that needs this blog, anyown who might read it and the interaction of like minded people. I need to get support and I need to give it. I need to reach out, not withdraw. I have learned, over the last year that getting cocky, thinking I am all that then pulling back and hiding when things get ugly is not how I am going to reach my goals and nurture and nourish the most important part of me. I also realize that withdrawing my support and care of my bloggy buddies is doing them injury as well. And that is just as unfair to them as it is to me.

This New Year is starting out with the most beautiful weather you can imagine for this part of the world. Temps in the upper sixties, even seventy. Record highs. Sunshine, soft breezes. I fear that March, which usually brings weather like this will be cold, blustery and dump a ton of snow on our asses. Now, wouldn't that be a gas? :P I am not complaining about these gorgeous days, tho. I am sure that Old Man Winter still has some tricks up his sleeve... I very much doubt that we will get no more Winter but it it is warmer and milder and we get rain, rather than snow that will be just fine with me.

Marley is sitting in a bundle, a couple of feet from Sabryna and just staring at her. Stupid cat just doesn't learn. He just doesn't get that in another life that dog was a crocodile. *shrugs* He's fast. That seems to be his only saving grace because I fear that like most males on this planet, speed is all that can save him when his lack of brains can't.

Women should rule the world.



  1. Well in like the new attitude, last year is last year and this is a new year a new start, a new life to live. I will be watching and reading and I want to see you make your goals and I want to see you succeed. You and I know you can do it!!!! So do it!!! I'm here for you.

  2. Goals are good. I've never kept resolutions. Here's to the best year ever for you. Looking forward to hearing about your success. :)

  3. I wish you the best, Erika. I know you can do it. You deserve good health. Remember to treat your body with the respect it deserves. Good luck, dear!

  4. I have dearly missed you. I think of you all the time...hoping some day you will see the worth that I see in you. I'm glad you are back. It's not the same without you. I gather inspiration from you.

  5. I hope you stick around. I missed you.

  6. Hello, I feel exactly like you: I squandered 2011. I also have the same goal for 2012 as you: to lose close to 100 pounds in see a 1 at the beginning of my weight I will be reading your blog for inspiration this year. Thanks so much for sharing

  7. Can we hang out together and see this year as our healthiest? You are a strong woman from what I gather talking with you digitally. I think you can do this goal. It's doable. The kicker is thinking about that goal every moment of every day. That isn't always so fun.

    Forget the 'big girl panties'...let's get thong thin!! ;P

  8. Love the goals! You can do it...we're all here to support one another through everything - even the tough times. :) Cheers to 2012!

  9. I missed you, too! Glad you are back. I, too have to get my stuff back together this year. 2011 sucked, really. I started out well, then I just fell apart.

    We can do this 2012 thing together. Happy New Year!

  10. You ARE worthy...I have to keep telling myself that too. We ARE and we WILL do this. I want to weigh 245 lbs (at least) by the middle of June for my 25th High School Reunion. I'm 314 now. I have a ways to go. But I'm determined...I'm tired of being this big.

  11. Wasn't a total loss.... we met then, after all!

  12. We should rule the world! And you know what, I am with you. I also BS-ed my way through the year and have had enough of myself. Can't change what happened in the past...we can only make 2012 a better more productive year than 2011.


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