How I Make Citrus Soy Marinated Chicken :D

Let's see if I can make posting pictures here from P-Bucket work. I think I need to use the HTML code?

To begin, make marinade. I use lemon juice and orange juice, a little fresh cracked black pepper and a bit of soy. Don't ask me how much of what... I don't measure when I cook. Only when I bake. I used two large fresh lemons and a large fresh orange and a little orange juice from a bottle in my fridge. To get maximum juice from the citrus, I just dug my fingers in and squeezed and smashed and ripped out the pulp and squeezed and let a lot of the pulp go into the marinade. A lot of seeds, too. No worries, I wasn't using the juice to finish a dish.



After I mixed in the soy and pepper, I poured it all into a gallon size zipper bag.



Using tongs, I moved all of the chicken to the bag. These were really big pieces of boneless, skinless chicken breast halves.



After all of the chicken was in the bag, I squeezed out as much air as I could without squeezing out any of the marinade, sealed the zip and smooshed the meat around until it was all covered nicely then put the bag into a baking pan to catch any drips that might happen. Raw chicken juices is not something that you want dripping on produce or cooked foods or the interior of your fridge, so use care when marinating in a bag. :D



I disposed of the bag of marinade by closing the zip and transporting it by tong grip to the trash.



I placed the pan in my fridge and left the chicken to soak up citrusy goodness for hours. I brought the pan out and flipped it, every now and then to be sure that the marinating was as even as possible. When it was time to bake it, I set my oven to 350 degrees, lined a baking tray with non-stick foil and sprayed it lightly with Pam. Then I brought out the chicken, stood the bag up and using clean tongs, moved the chicken from the bag to the pan, curved side down.



Then I sprinkled the meat lightly with Lawrey's Seasoned Salt, a little fresh cracked black pepper and some paprika. Sprayed it lightly with Pam.



Then I turned the chicken over. With tongs. :D



And repeated the sprinkling (I use a bit more paprika on the top) and Pam.



And into the nice, toasty oven. Bake until done. Sometimes I grill on my Foreman grill or gas grill. (Or I will use a gas grill, once I get a new one. Sigh. I miss my old grill. But that is another story for another time.) I don't know how long the chicken bakes. I time like I measure. I just let it rip until it is done through. Since chicken pieces vary is size and thickness, timing will vary.

After it comes out of the oven, it looks like this:



The paprika and Pam make a "crust" of sorts. And the citrus and paprika and pepper all work very nicely together.

Those pieces of chicken were so big, there is plenty left over for another meal or two. I see chicken salad for lunch, tomorrow. :D

It was a nice day, today. Warmer and humid. We actually had some moisture coming in from the Gulf of California. It felt almost pre Monsoon. A little early for that kind of business, tho. We don't usually get a taste of it until April or so.

My lappie has been acting a little screwy. It is slowing down, pages are loading slowly and I get a lot of time outs. It is almost three years old and I think it is getting tired. I think it needs a tune up, a refreshing sleep and clean out and perhaps some additional memory to speed it up and make it work a little better. I wonder how much something like that would cost? If it is too much, I may have to just get a new computer. If it isn't much, it would be worth it.

I like this computer. It is comfortable, broken in, the keys I hit most often are shiny and all of my pictures, smilies and so forth reside on Photo Gallery. I have a weird feeling about this machine and I am now backing all of my pictures up on disk as I upload them from my camera. If my baby does crash and burn, I don't want to lose my memories. I can replace my puter. I can't replace my picture of my son with his learner's permit. Or my husband and son walking out of Circle K slugging down Slurpees. Or my goofy cat being a goofy cat or my sweet doggy lying on her brand new Christmas present, a thick, soft dog bed, chewing on a heavenly delicious Busy Bone.

I didn't count calories, today. I just ate mindfully. Modified portions, used lo fat mayo and buttery spray and so forth. Didn't endlessly shove salty, fatty snacks down my throat. I'll do the same, tomorrow. And get back to counting on Monday. I want to see how this works.

The earthquake in Chile. My Lord. Those poor people. 8.8 is one hell of a shaker. It is going to take them a long time to get their lives back to normal. I hope that the death toll doesn't go too much higher.

And what a relief that the anticipated tsunami didn't turn out to be the big bad everyone feared it would be.

A couple of quick things to add...

It worked! Posting photos from Photobucket worked. :D

And, I have a new follower! Hi and welcome!

Friday

Here is the tutorial I mentioned about getting a perfect manicure. It rocks. It works!

Try it. :D :D

It was a nice day, today. Sunny and warmish. Clouds are starting to come in. We are expecting a storm, this weekend. Now, normally I love a storm but I was kind of hoping for a nice weekend as I would love to get out and have some fun. I have cabin fever. Bad. I could use a day out.

Hopefully I will be able to go shopping. I would like to run in to Sally and get some acetone, a brush and maybe some new polish. Some of the new China Glaze colours look great. And I am lusting after Lubu Heels. I neeeeed that colour. :D

I would also like to pick up some yarn and knit something. I haven't picked up my needles for a while and I miss them.

I didn't eat well, today. *sigh*

Onward.

Head is bad. I was haloing last night. Bright white pin-dots. Three of them. My head is banging, tonight. Bleargh.

Pride Goeth Before the Fall

Today wasn't so great. I went over a good bit. I made bad choices. It wasn't a total blowout but... Yeah. I am disappointed in myself. I am trying to just accept it and put it behind me (hopefully not on me behind...lol) and move on.

I think I am in love with image manipulating sites. I did my new header on FotoFlex and I figured out how to watermark photos, too. He. He. Now, I just want to play with that. Make cute things. I still have a lot to learn and I am not fooling myself that I will become some graphics goddess. But if I can do some fun and new things, I will be tickled with that. :D


We learn something new, every day. :D

Just Can't Help Myself

I can't stop farting around with my blog appearance. I imagine that I will be fully happy with it, one day. lol

It is a bright, sunny day and the air almost smells like Spring. I am thinking longingly of just how gorgeous days are in the Valley, this time of year and I really, really want to go spend the day down there. Drive around, do a little shopping, stop somewhere yummy for lunch. Drive around some more, windows down enjoying the gorgeous, unmatched late Winter Phoenix weather.

In spite of the heat in the Summer and the pollution, I would rather live down there than here. Prescott in a word, sucks. I don't like it here at all. But, husband has a job here and in this economy, he would be an idiot to try to change jobs, if he doesn't have to. So here we stay. Of course, part of his motivation is his desire to remain close to his parents. I understand that. I also resent it.

What about my wanting to be closer to my mother? I don't see him killing himself to get a job and reestablish us in Washington so that I can have that. My mother and I are extremely close and I haven't seen her since 1995. Doesn't seem to bother my husband that I ache to spend time with my mother. That I miss her face, that I long to hear her voice. To sit across from her at the table, have tea and a lovely conversation. To just "be" with her. We have long phone chats when we can. It isn't the same. It will never be the same.

Brekkie this morning was a cup of coffee with fat free half and half and a Yoplait light yoghurt. I so don't want a lecture about HFCS and sugar and cornstarch and so forth... I need little "diet" goodies like spray buttery stuff and salad spritzer. They help me cope with giving up all the rich, fattening stuff I normally depend on in my diet. I know that HFCS and so forth aren't good for me and I want to eliminate them from my life, one day. But these little "treats" are really a big help to me.

My housework is nearly done, I just have some laundry to finish. I didn't clean my bathroom while I was sick and it had a pretty bad case of toilet breath. I got in there and gave it all a good scrub. Vacuumed my hated broadloom, emptied my dishwasher and dusted. (What did I ever do before Swiffer Dusters, I ask you?) I'll shower, later. And put a fresh top coat on my nails. :D

Call someone you love and miss, today. :D

Two Good Days

I am pleased with myself. I had two good, healthy eating days. Yesterday I came in a little under 1400 and today just under 1200. I don't feel particularly hungry. A tad peckish but nothing I can't handle. I have some very bad habits to overcome and I need to push myself a bit to make that happen.

I had a nice little victory, tonight. I made packaged Spanish rice for my husband and son to go with dinner. I had meat and salad and was in the kitchen dishing up mine and there was a serving+ left in the pan. I grabbed the cooking spoon, piled it all up in a neat little mountain, all ready to slide it onto my plate. And stopped. Put the pan back down on the burner and rested the spoon in the pan, picked up my plate and walked away.

I know that something like that is no big deal to a lot of people. But it was, to me. It was my desire for something better overcoming in that moment my desire for empty calories, fat and salt. It was me, overcoming my wish for temporary tongue fun by remembering, this time what I really want.

So, yeah. Not too shabby. :D

I hope that you had a victory today, too. :D

How Many Nail Colours Does One Manicure Need? Post # Two for Today :D

I have discovered the fun of reading and drooling over nail polish fanatic blogs. Seriously, these gals are crazy about nails and polish, like I am about my hair. And they have wonderful blogs devoted to manicures and polish and tutorials and all kinds of finger pretties fun. I love it. :D

One blog has a tutorial for applying polish and doing a clean up to have a really clean and nearly perfect finish. Once I learn how to post links, I will start linking. But for now, if you want to find the tutorial the blog is called Emerald Sparkled. Her tutorial is terrific and it helped me to do one of the nicest, easiest manis I have ever done.

I need to pick up some pure acetone and a small, chisel edged brush to really get the same result but I did get a good result from cutting down a little Taklon concealer brush and using regular polish remover. I have been getting better and better at applying my polish, this took it to the next level. :D :D I have a bit of polish flow onto my middle finger cuticle that I couldn't clean up quite to my satisfaction. But it is a lot better than walking around with polish and sparklies on my cuticles and the skin around my nails until I take a shower. Have to like that. :D

I decided to do a multi coloured mani in different shades of pink and a white all overlaid with a sheer pink shimmer to kind of even things out and give it some punch. The colours I used, from thumb to pinkie (all OPI shades) are: Pearls Night Out, I'll take the Cake!, Kiss on the Chic, Aphrodite's Pink Nightie and I'm India Mood for Love. Two coats of each colour on each nail. Then a coat of Princess Rule! on each nail... Two coats on the pinkies to tone the bright, bright pink down a bit. Then it is all topped off with one coat of Seche top coat.

The picture makes the thumb, index and middle fingers all look about the same colour. They are actually quite if subtly different, IRL. Sadly, I am not a skilled enough photographer to make my camera capture it. *sigh*




:D

Lunch Time! And... Oh My Gosh! A New Follower! :D

I looked out my kitchen window this morning and saw two huge ravens high in a tree and climbing steadily towards them a very brave (stupid???) cat. I watched as the ravens watched the cat make progress towards her lunch. One raven decided that the cat was boring and left. The other remained. He didn't seem terribly concerned about the presence of the feline on a branch many feet below him. I watched this for a bit and then ran and got my camera to see if I could get a shot of the two of them in the tree. This is the picture I got.




I have more pictures but I need to learn how to upload multiple images and put them where I want them. This software stacks them all at the top with no space between them. Or when I try to add a pic further down, it puts it in at the top. There must be a way to move the code, but I don't know how to do it.

*sigh* Being a puter idiot can be a frustrating thing.

ETA: Hmmm... Next time I need to choose the large image size. :D

I have a new follower! Welcome!

Well, That Was Easy

Really, really easy. I figured out that I have a two column blog. Went to Shabby Blogs and picked a new background. Followed the simple installation instructions and just like that... A whole new look.

I thought I wanted something blue, but I have to say, I like this. And, if I get a deep, dark hankering for blue in the future, I can always change it, now that I know how.

Now to work on a new header to go with my snazzy new background. :D

Much More Human

I do believe that this damned cold has about run it's course. At last. I awoke feeling a lot better. Two consecutive nights of solid sleep have made a huge difference. I actually had the energy to clean my house. I had been really slacking on it and had a lot to do. It looks much better in here. lol

I am thinking about loading one of those pretty backgrounds you can find online. I just don't know if this is a two column blog? A three column? Does it matter? I can't find answers anywhere and I am wracked with doubt and fear that I might do something horribly wrong and chose the wrong thing. And arrrgh! I always do this to myself.

Anyway, I would like a pretty background where the page remains still and the middle part scrolls up and down. Is that three column, do you think? *is a frakkin idiot*

Dinner smells good. I actually felt like cooking. Chicken, baked potatoes, salad. I also tossed some potatoes in the oven to bake. Yum. I am hongry.

My stupid head is bad. I was haloing, last night. Last night it was a persistent grey dot. I woke up early this morning, opened my eyes to my bedside lamp being on and my brain imploded. I staggered to the bathroom, took care of business with only a soft nightlight on and went back to bed, turned off my lamp and decided to doze for a little bit and get up. I woke up after ten. My head had calmed a bit but it has steadily ratcheted up all day. As long as the stabbing doesn't begin, I should be able to avoid taking anything for it. Advil helps a bit but the rebound doesn't make the small amount of relief I get worth the temporary effect.

I ate like crap the last few days. Being sick and feeling sorry for myself was a shit excuse. But I used it. I am such a weak willed idiot.

I am eating right, today. And journaling my intake carefully. I really do want to stay on track.

Hello!

Welcome to my strange, strange blog, my friends. I now have three followers. *tickled pink*

Typical of capricious Arizona weather, today was very cold, cloudy and spitting rain, snow and even a few ice pellets. then it would stop, the sun would shine a bit and big patches of blue sky would show, then clouds closed in again and the rain started up, again. It is supposed to be stormy, tomorrow, too. I am delighted, as I adore nasty weather. The darker, wilder, wetter and windier, the better.

I am one of those weirdos who get bummed with the sun comes out. lol I do enjoy sunshine but I need regular cloudy days and rain, to keep me balanced. I should be a Pacific Northwest dweller. Blissing out on all of the clouds and rain and savouring the sun, when it does come out. :D

Dang it, I need to do my nails. I would like some new polish colours. Maybe some blue? Deep, dark purple. Soft lavendery purple. I have a thing for OPI polish. I love their brush and the colours are beautiful and I love the shade names they come up with. OPI is the best polish I have ever used.

I am munching on jelly beans. I know... I was craving a sweet and these seemed the least harmful. I measured out a small serving and left the bag safely in the kitchen. ;) Yum! Orange. My all time favourite flavour of jelly bean.

What I am really craving is Cadbury Creme Eggs. And Caramel Eggs. Gah! Easter time is a hazard, with all the chocolate and eggs. *hiding*

My stupid cold still lingers in my life. It has decided to inhabit my chest for a bit. I have a light, irritating dry cough. I am drinking a lot to help tamp it down. It isn't serious. Just a minor irritation. I'll live. If my head ever clears out and my beak ever unstuffs (I know... not a word lol) it's self.

Spring training began, today. Just pitchers and catchers, so far. Go, Cubs, Go!

My husband likes The Andy Griffith Show. A lot. Too much. And Gunsmoke and other oaters. I swear, he is morphing into his father, right before my eyes. And it is really beginning to frighten me. Thank God I have my puter. If I had to live through all of those shows without this distraction, I don't know what I would do. But I think that it would involve a clock tower and a high powered rifle.

Bleargh!

I am ill, whiny and a total bitch, today. My husband's cold is kicking my big, pink ass all over the place. My ears are stuffed up and hurt, my throat is sore, my beak is all stuffed up and running and I am beginning to cough. Ah, the joys of having asthma. Every cold I get, even a stupid head cold will cause me trouble in my chest, too.

Stupid germ bag husband, anyway. There ought to be a law.

I went out f a little walk with my dog, this morning. I enjoyed the exercise but I am regretting it, now, as I feel worse. But it was nice to get out of the house. I just put on walking shoes, bra and slapped my wavy brimmed sun hat over my uncombed, messy braids and went. Nobody really saw me, so it didn't matter that I looked like donkeys. lol

It is still unseasonably warm around here. It almost feels Spring-like. While out walking, I saw fat buds on some of the trees. Soon, there will be fresh, green leaves. I am looking forward to Spring. I have had enough fun with Winter.

I am doing okay on my eating. And not as okay but better, overall. I need to stop beating myself up and being so much of a perfectionist and just accept positive change, no matter how small; celebrate it and keep trying. Good talk, huh? lol

Valentine's Day

I don't like this "holiday".

It hurts too much.

A Nice Day

It was a nice day, today. Warmish, sunny and bright. We got out and took a little drive, cruised around Prescott and had a coffee. Well, I had a coffee. Husband and son had other drinks. We also had ice creams at Dairy Queen. I knew better but I just had a small twist cone, so I think I will be okay. :D

It was nice to get out. I get so stir crazy in this house. I like to be a homemaker. I am good at it and it feels like my calling. That does not mean that I only want to be in this house, 24/7. And, that is going to have to change.

Husband is feeling pretty raggedy. This head cold is kicking his ass. I feel as if I am coming down wit it... The next few days will tell the tale.

I need to learn how to post images in this blog. Can I just upload pics right from my puter or do I have to host them, first? I'll play with it, one day soon and figure it out. I like to learn new things. :D I know, learning to post photos isn't really that big a deal, unless you are me and four years ago, you could barely log onto the Internet. In that time, I have learned a good deal. Especially since I am not a tech-minded sort of person. lol

I plucked my brows. I couldn't live with them as they were. And I did a pretty nice job of enhancing them today, if I do say so myself. they aren't perfectly symmetrical but they are good enough to make me happy. I guess that is what really matters. So, no brow freak flag. Guess I will have to fly something else.

I added some pictures to this blog. My big butterfly picture at the top, under my title box shrunk when I added a title. Now the detail is lost. I am rather proud of that photo. It is one of a series I took of a butterfly feeding greedily on dianthus flowers in a window box on our old house up in Highland Pines. That butterfly was so happy and so greedy, that it allowed me to take macro shots from mere inches away and didn't move a muscle, except to move to the next delicious flower.

Where is Highland Pines? In Arizona. A little way outside Prescott. Up in the mountains. We lived there for about five years in a ramshackle house that had pile broadloom in the kitchen and bathrooms, a wood stove that we couldn't use because the stovepipe was broken and no central heat or air. So, we froze our asses off in the Winter and roasted them off in the Summer. Shake and bake, we called it.

We now reside in Prescott in a condo. We like it much better. It is bright, clean, cheerful. There is no broadloom in the kitchen and bathrooms. We have central heat and air. How heavenly. Comfort isn't to be underestimated. lol I have a pretty, clean and nicely laid out kitchen that has a dishwasher. Oh! A dishwasher. We have been in this place for a little over a year and I still marvel and delight every time I use my dishwasher. I swear, I will never live in another place that doesn't have one. Washing dishes is for the birds. And I am no bird.

Another nice thing about this place? We have a front row seat for the fireworks, every Fourth of July. While everyone else is pouring en masse to the park or driving around and scrambling around for places to park and see the show, we just step out on our little deck/balcony (that I have named a deckony) and watch the show. Then we get to watch all the suckers trying to get home in that traffic. Makes for a very entertaining evening.

The breeze is picking up and my wind chime is playing a soft, tinkling melody.

Have a lovely evening, anyone who happens to stumble upon and read this drivel.

Can I just say... I *heart* spell check. :D :D :D

Seriously. :D

A cold?

My husband is a germ bag. And I think that he gave me his frakkin head cold. I feel as if I am coming down with something and I had a horrendous sneezing jag, earlier. Sure sign that I am coming down with something.

My husband must die.

I ate well, today. Not as well, yesterday. Not a total blowout but... I could have done better. I am at that stage I always enter when I change my eating habits and count calories. I have entered what I refer to as The Fatigue Zone. (Insert echo, here lol) I get tired, have no energy and drag ass for a while. A few days to a week or so. Then, I usually bounce back, get lots of energy and am fine.

So, I guess I will be dragging ass for a bit. :D

I am breaking out, for some reason. On the right side of my face, lower cheek area above my jawline. I hope it isn't the Nivea Creme I have been using. I love that stuff.

Hoping to get out for a while, tomorrow. The sun has been shining, the weather is unseasonably warm and my fancy has turned to getting the fuck out of this house.

I think I will go see what my Leafy Friend is up to. :D

Asymmetrical Eyebrows

They really bother me. My eyebrows. A small, silly thing, I know. But they just bug the snot out of me. I have fairly symmetrical features, overall. But my brows are really futzed up, thanks to an accident I had when I was a child. I actually lost my entire eyebrow and my doctor told my mother that if it grew back, not to expect it to look like it's mate. It doesn't. It is higher, the hair is finer and lighter and the shape is not the same as the other one. I deal by plucking both of my brows down to the minimum and reshaping them with brow powder and setting it with gel. Takes a century to do but I am pretty happy with the results.

It occurred to me today that there are a lot of really gorgeous gals out there with mismatched eyebrows. And they don't seem to bother them all that much. Now, I am hardly gorgeous but if they can rock the funky brows, why can't I? Maybe I should just learn to live with my oddball brows. Shape them the best I can, enhance them with a little powder and gel and let their freak flag fly.

Maybe... :D


I wish that blogs had smilies.

My dog is getting older. Sabryna is an Aussie cross. She is eleven, now and she is really beginning to show her age. Average lifespan for the breed is 12 to 15 years. If she is crossed with German Shepherd, as I suspect, that is going to be a bit shorter. She is having trouble holding her urine for as long as she used to. We are careful to get her out to pee frequently so that she doesn't have to wait too long. Problem is, as she gets older, she is drinking more and more water, more and more frequently and then she can't hold it all night and well... My poor broadloom suffers.

We are now restricting her water intake from about 9:00 on. And she hasn't had to relieve herself in the house, since. Poor baby girl. She feels so guilty when she pees in the house. And at first, she didn't understand why she couldn't have free and unfettered access to her water dish, as she is accustomed. But she is getting used to it and doesn't ask for water as much at night. I take her out one last time just before bed and I let her have a small drink so that she doesn't get dehydrated. But I still hate looking at her big, brown eyes asking me, "Why?" when I put her water up for the night.

I hate that my girl is getting old. I am so attached to her and dread the end. Sabryna is my Velcro Dog. She follows me all over the house, when I go outside without her, I come in to find her plastered against the wall in the room nearest to my outdoor location.

This Winter has been unusually warm. It is coldish at night, we get frost. But the days are mostly sunny and warm into the 50s and even 60s. Where did Winter go?

I must say I am looking forward to Spring, this year. I am dying to plant flowers. Dig in warm, right, loamy smelling earth, set baby plants, water and feed them and watch them grow, spread out and bloom. I don't grow food. I suck at growing food. Overall I have a very brown thumb. But there are a few varieties of outdoor flowers I can actually make thrive and look fabulous. And I get a kick out of it. I feel like such an Earth Goddess when I actually succeed in making something grow and produce bright, colourful blooms. :D

I need to get some indoor plants, too. I left my babies behind when I moved from Highland Pines into our condo. Somehow, they became infected with horrid little black flying bugs. And I didn't know how to get rid of them and I certainly wasn't going to bring them here, with me. I was heartbroken. My plants were beautiful and one philodendron I had had since my son was a toddler, when we lived in Bullhead City. I moved that poor thing several times and pampered and neglected it and my son used to beat the holy hell out of it with his baby blanket and rip it's leaves off.

At one point, it had died back to a tiny, withered stem and one wilted little leaf. I couldn't bear to let it go and I nursed it back and at it's most glorious, it has multiple long runners covered in leaves. Runners that measured from five to eight feet in length. I usually kept it trimmed back to about two to three feet, tho.

I have been eating quite well, the past few days. I am keeping a handwritten journal of my food intake. It really helps me keep on track. I had a rough couple of days, lost my focus at dinner time. And I went a little high, today. Close to 2000. But that is far fewer than necessary to maintain my current weight, so no harm done.

Reminder to self: Pretzels are a trigger food. Stay the hell away from them. Yes, one portion is low in calories and nearly fat free. Sadly, one portion isn't where I stop. So, pretzels need to go in the No Fly Zone for a time.

Other than the pretzels, tho... I am hanging pretty tough. :D And I am pleased. I don't even feel all that hungry. And when I do, I am trying to remember to ask myself if I am really hungry? Just peckish? Bored? Wanting to feed for the wrong reason? Thirsty, perhaps?

*sigh* It sucks. But it is doable. Others have done it. So, it is possible.

It just isn't as easy as "Put down the fork and stop eating too many 100 calorie packs." Every time I hear some self righteous twat (usually someone who has never battled with excess weight a day in her life) say that, I want to scream. Trust me, I wish it were that easy.

Not Too Shabby...

I wound up at 1386 calories for the day. Much better.

A Good Day

Healthy foods and sensible portions. Lots and lots of salad. Lean protein in the form of tuna and grilled chicken. I haven't added up my calories for the day but i think I am right at or around 1200. Not too shabby. :D

Tomorrow is Saturday. I wonder what this weekend will bring? Most likely more of the same. God forbid we actually get out of this fucking house and have a little fun. Because that would be baaad, wouldn't it?

*sigh*

Special K granola. Yummy. But watch the portion size. 3/4 cup is 190 calories.

How Cool is This?

Oh! I just had to add...

I have a follower! I am a bit disbelieving. I honestly didn't expect that. And I am tickled. Pink. :D

Hello, my Leafy Friend. :D

Ramblings On Why

I am not David Copperfield. I will not be beginning at the beginning. Sorry. Oh yes, just a warning... I am a horrid writer (I will get into why at a later date) and I tend to wander. Thank God for spell check, at least anyone who happens to read this crap won't be subjected to bad spelling. lol

So. Yeah. I'm fat. Big shock, I know.

I am not happy about it. I know that there are things I can do to change it. My disconnect seems to be applying the knowledge I have. I mean, I can talk about how to lose pounds until the cows come home but I can't seem to make it happen. I was sort of successful for a bit in '08. Lost about eighty pounds. I have managed to put almost all of it back on.

I feel like such a failure. A total loser. I think I may be ready to take another run at this thing. I kind of hope so. I need to do it. I am 45 and morbidly obese. Shit. Try typing that one out and reading it back to yourself. If I don't do something, I am going to end up killing myself. Not really something I want to do.

So, back to tracking calories (that is what works for me, when I actually apply myself to the process) and getting some exercise. Walking, to start. Drinking enough water and finding things to do to keep myself busy and not thinking about feeding my face stuff it doesn't need or really even want.

Funny how overeating becomes a habit. Like smoking or drinking or drugs. Becomes your feel good. Your safety net and your way to block out the screaming inside. Sadly, like other vices, it is only temporary. But it has just as devastating an effect on your body. It piles on excess pounds, clogs your arteries, fouls up your heart, screws up your joints and back and makes you miserable.

But the pull of overeating is often stronger than the misery. The pain. The physical and mental pain of it. Feeding affords a small window of blissful peace. A quiet mind and an absence of the chaos filling my brain and senses. It takes away the loneliness and despair for a little while. For that short time, I feel filled, fulfilled and happy. And I want that to repeat as much as I can.

I guess one could say I have my reasons for getting to this point. Fat makes a fine and dandy shield against the world and the more there is between me and it, the safer, more insulated I feel. I don't have to worry that I am going to be an object of desire, looked at and appreciated. It is safer not to be. It is easier not to be. I can just not deal with it.

Fat makes me invisible. It renders me irrelevant. I am a non person. I am unimportant, unwanted, unworthy.

A part of me says, "Fine. Carry on as you will, then." And another rages against it. For a while, the part of me that rages was winning. The other side took over, tho. Squashed down that side of me which was fighting for myself. I don't think that I like that. Well, actually, I know that I don't like it. And I want to change it.

Hell, I need to change it.

Before it is too late.

Am I worthy? I don't know... I will have to think on that one. Am I ready to open myself up to being visible? Am I able to cope with the very real possibility of being seen? Can I gather up the courage to throw off the chains that bind me here and be free? Am I ready to break free of the prison of my body?

Prison is a comfortable place to be.

Parole is scary.

Frightening, actually.

First Post... Huh. Do I really Want To Do This?

This is just a quick post to begin my blog.

I will be back.

Soon.

I have shit to say.

:D