It is going to be a gorgeous day. in the seventies and sunny and beautiful. This is the time of year when Arizona shines. The weather is unmatched. It is warm but the heat hasn't come screaming in on us, there is no humidity (yes, it does get humid in Arizona! lolol) the Summer storm season hasn't begun, yet. I actually like it here, this time of year. I am dying to go to the Valley. I haven't been down there for a long time and the Phoenix Metro area in Spring... The best! I like Phoenix, anyway. this time of year makes it even more alluring.
Food was good, yesterday as was my water. My hips were screaming and I chose to rest them. They feel better, today and I can walk, tonight.
Laura, thank you for the website suggestion. I am going to check it out. :D
Okay, I didn't have a whole lot to natter about. I just wanted to check in. I am going to go open my windows, get some housework done, catch up on all of your updated blogs and I'll talk to you all, later.
Have a great, on track and happy day!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Does Apple Really Rule the World?
I am beginning to reach the conclusion that maybe they do. Or at least that they think they do. Or that others seem to think they do. I see it everywhere... Made for iPod! Designed to hold iPhone or iPod Touch! I was perusing action armbands in Hellmart the other day and every frakking one of them declared that they were for iPhones and iPods. Protective cases? The same.
Here is a newsflash, makers of these accessories: Not everyfuckingone on the Planet uses iWhatever. Some of us use other models. Now, I am sure that the armband "made for iPhones and iPods will carry my little LG Android phone, just fine. I am just a little irked by the assumption that we all have swilled the Apple Kool-Aid.
So, yeah... Armbands that carry our little phones that rule our lives. I need one, for walking, to carry my phone and my tunes. As I said, I looked at them in Wally World, the other day and seeing the price, I scoffed and decided that I cold do better, myself. After all, I own yarn and knitting needles. I'll just knit one. So, I hauled out a circular needle, knitted up a nice, wide ribbed armband then knitted a pocket with a protective flap and even embroidered an eyelet hole for my earbud cord. And feeling quite pleased with myself, I pulled it up my arm, added my phone and hit the trail, yesterday.
Epic fail! The armband stretched out and kept falling down my arm, I had to keep my elbow bent and my arm against my side to keep it on. I tossed it out, the moment I got home, yesterday. And I am just going to have to break down and go buy a proper armband. I just hope I can find one that will adjust to fit my arm... I also need to get a micro SD card and download my music library from my computer to my phone. Pandora was a suck job from hell. It worked beautifully, the last time I used it. I assumed it would, again. Yesterday, I got it going on my preferred walking music channel and it gave me two great tunes then it started jumping channels, cutting out, loading for long, silent periods of time... Then it gave me John Mayer (nothing against him... I am just not familiar with him). And a bad cover of a really fab Duran Duran song and by the time it got to feeding me Seal Acoustic, I was ready to scream and toss my phone in the lake. So I just shut it off and walked with my thoughts.
I had minimal pain/discomfort in my hips and knees when I walked, yesterday. And I am not too sore, this morning. I need to remember that consistent exercise actually eases my discomfort. And it has a little side benefit called burning fat off my lard-ass. I need to keep getting off that lard-ass and keep moving.
Yesterday was lovely. Today promises more of the same. Warm. Sunny. I love Spring. Almost as much as Autumn. It is definitely the right kind of weather to cast off my lame ass excuses and do what I am supposed to do.
I did all of my catch up cleaning and four loads of laundry, yesterday. Today, I get to be a slacker. Do whatever I want to do. I like days like this. :D
Okay, I need to get me some more coffee and my brekkie. Have a great day, everyone.
Here is a newsflash, makers of these accessories: Not everyfuckingone on the Planet uses iWhatever. Some of us use other models. Now, I am sure that the armband "made for iPhones and iPods will carry my little LG Android phone, just fine. I am just a little irked by the assumption that we all have swilled the Apple Kool-Aid.
So, yeah... Armbands that carry our little phones that rule our lives. I need one, for walking, to carry my phone and my tunes. As I said, I looked at them in Wally World, the other day and seeing the price, I scoffed and decided that I cold do better, myself. After all, I own yarn and knitting needles. I'll just knit one. So, I hauled out a circular needle, knitted up a nice, wide ribbed armband then knitted a pocket with a protective flap and even embroidered an eyelet hole for my earbud cord. And feeling quite pleased with myself, I pulled it up my arm, added my phone and hit the trail, yesterday.
Epic fail! The armband stretched out and kept falling down my arm, I had to keep my elbow bent and my arm against my side to keep it on. I tossed it out, the moment I got home, yesterday. And I am just going to have to break down and go buy a proper armband. I just hope I can find one that will adjust to fit my arm... I also need to get a micro SD card and download my music library from my computer to my phone. Pandora was a suck job from hell. It worked beautifully, the last time I used it. I assumed it would, again. Yesterday, I got it going on my preferred walking music channel and it gave me two great tunes then it started jumping channels, cutting out, loading for long, silent periods of time... Then it gave me John Mayer (nothing against him... I am just not familiar with him). And a bad cover of a really fab Duran Duran song and by the time it got to feeding me Seal Acoustic, I was ready to scream and toss my phone in the lake. So I just shut it off and walked with my thoughts.
I had minimal pain/discomfort in my hips and knees when I walked, yesterday. And I am not too sore, this morning. I need to remember that consistent exercise actually eases my discomfort. And it has a little side benefit called burning fat off my lard-ass. I need to keep getting off that lard-ass and keep moving.
Yesterday was lovely. Today promises more of the same. Warm. Sunny. I love Spring. Almost as much as Autumn. It is definitely the right kind of weather to cast off my lame ass excuses and do what I am supposed to do.
I did all of my catch up cleaning and four loads of laundry, yesterday. Today, I get to be a slacker. Do whatever I want to do. I like days like this. :D
Okay, I need to get me some more coffee and my brekkie. Have a great day, everyone.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
A Sunday Night Quickie
Yes, I am twelve. :D
Nothing too exciting to report, here. I had a nice day. Ate well, didn't drink nearly enough water. But I will slurp as if my life depends on it, tomorrow. We went out so I could do a little shopping and it was nice to get out of this house. One of my purchases is a new set of earbuds. My old ones sucked big green donkey dicks. They didn't fit in my ears right and were forever falling out. So. Frustrating. My new ones are great. They are the kind that burrow right into your ears and block ambient sound, so all you hear is your sounds. They are comfy, surprisingly so. Far more comfortable than my old ones. They stay in place, no matter how much I shake my head around. And they have some red on them, so they kind of match the case on my phone. :D I am thinking of putting a few crystals on them so that there is a little sparkle, when the sun hits them.
It was nice here, today. In the sixties, sunny no wind. A great early Spring day. I really wanted to go to Lowe's and start buying plants. Soon. Just need to make sure it is safe. The night time temps should be high enough, in the next couple of weeks or so.
I finally found me a jaw claw that holds all of my hair. Yippee!
Nothing too exciting to report, here. I had a nice day. Ate well, didn't drink nearly enough water. But I will slurp as if my life depends on it, tomorrow. We went out so I could do a little shopping and it was nice to get out of this house. One of my purchases is a new set of earbuds. My old ones sucked big green donkey dicks. They didn't fit in my ears right and were forever falling out. So. Frustrating. My new ones are great. They are the kind that burrow right into your ears and block ambient sound, so all you hear is your sounds. They are comfy, surprisingly so. Far more comfortable than my old ones. They stay in place, no matter how much I shake my head around. And they have some red on them, so they kind of match the case on my phone. :D I am thinking of putting a few crystals on them so that there is a little sparkle, when the sun hits them.
It was nice here, today. In the sixties, sunny no wind. A great early Spring day. I really wanted to go to Lowe's and start buying plants. Soon. Just need to make sure it is safe. The night time temps should be high enough, in the next couple of weeks or so.
I finally found me a jaw claw that holds all of my hair. Yippee!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
And, Later That Day...
Well, the pretty day turned out to be chilly, big puffy clouds pushed by a cold, brisk wind kept covering the sun and it never did warm up that much. Boo, hiss. It is supposed to keep warming up as the week goes on tho.
Food Freak, it isn't snowing here. Thank goodness! And I am hoping that the snow is done for the rest of the season. It can come do it's thing next Winter, if it must. For now, it is Spring.
I ran out to hit CVS, I had a coupon I had to use before today was over so I bought some skin care I needed, some vitamins, body wash and a couple of things for my hair. Including claw clips that aren't big enough to hold all this damned hair of mine. Guess it hasn't thinned as much as I thought it had. *sigh* The packaging already went out to the trash can making returning them not an option, so I'll probably just Freecycle them and go get myself some bigger claws. My hair eats claw clips at a rather alarming rate. I think I am keeping the claw makers in business, by myself. lol Astonishingly, I didn't buy any polish while I was at CVS.
Speaking of polish. I had a little incident, today. Or, should I say... Accident. I went to get my hairbrush out of the little basket on my shelf and I forgot that I had some new polishes lined up in front of the basket, awaiting swatching. When I pulled my brush out, the basket came forward and knocked two bottles off. One broke when it hit the corner of the bottom shelf of my bookcase. The glass exploded and orange polish was all over my broadloom. Gah!!!!! What a mess! Happily, the polish was a lightly pigmented jelly, so cleaning it up wasn't as horrible as it could have been. Imagine if it had been a highly pigmented black creme. I would have been screwed! I used acetone and a couple of pieces of old terry toweling and got it almost all up. I need to get more acetone at Sally's tomorrow and see if I can get the rest up. Then I'll let it dry, again and treat the area with peroxide to bleach any remaining stain and I should be good.Luckily, my broadloom is an ugly greige Berber mottled with a bunch of different colours. They one good thing about this stuff is how it hides dirt and stains. But it is still just typical rental ugly flooring.
I hate broadloom. Seriously hate the shit. It is impossible to keep clean. It stinks. If anything bad hits it, it can be ruined. It is ugly. I wonder at the thought process of the person who first looked at an area carpet and thought, "That would be so fabulous room sized, covering every inch of floor space with a thick pad under it! Then my pets can stink it up, my kids can track mud all over it, I can walk on it with dirty work shoes and my poor lady wife can kill herself trying to keep it clean." I just don't understand how covering your floors with thick fabric is a good thing. *gag*
We are watching Parking Wars. On A&E. Fun show. William especially gets a kick out of it. This episode, they are booting cars in Detroit. Boy, do people get nuts when they get tickets and boots.
Okay, 'nuff nattering, for now.
Food Freak, it isn't snowing here. Thank goodness! And I am hoping that the snow is done for the rest of the season. It can come do it's thing next Winter, if it must. For now, it is Spring.
I ran out to hit CVS, I had a coupon I had to use before today was over so I bought some skin care I needed, some vitamins, body wash and a couple of things for my hair. Including claw clips that aren't big enough to hold all this damned hair of mine. Guess it hasn't thinned as much as I thought it had. *sigh* The packaging already went out to the trash can making returning them not an option, so I'll probably just Freecycle them and go get myself some bigger claws. My hair eats claw clips at a rather alarming rate. I think I am keeping the claw makers in business, by myself. lol Astonishingly, I didn't buy any polish while I was at CVS.
Speaking of polish. I had a little incident, today. Or, should I say... Accident. I went to get my hairbrush out of the little basket on my shelf and I forgot that I had some new polishes lined up in front of the basket, awaiting swatching. When I pulled my brush out, the basket came forward and knocked two bottles off. One broke when it hit the corner of the bottom shelf of my bookcase. The glass exploded and orange polish was all over my broadloom. Gah!!!!! What a mess! Happily, the polish was a lightly pigmented jelly, so cleaning it up wasn't as horrible as it could have been. Imagine if it had been a highly pigmented black creme. I would have been screwed! I used acetone and a couple of pieces of old terry toweling and got it almost all up. I need to get more acetone at Sally's tomorrow and see if I can get the rest up. Then I'll let it dry, again and treat the area with peroxide to bleach any remaining stain and I should be good.Luckily, my broadloom is an ugly greige Berber mottled with a bunch of different colours. They one good thing about this stuff is how it hides dirt and stains. But it is still just typical rental ugly flooring.
I hate broadloom. Seriously hate the shit. It is impossible to keep clean. It stinks. If anything bad hits it, it can be ruined. It is ugly. I wonder at the thought process of the person who first looked at an area carpet and thought, "That would be so fabulous room sized, covering every inch of floor space with a thick pad under it! Then my pets can stink it up, my kids can track mud all over it, I can walk on it with dirty work shoes and my poor lady wife can kill herself trying to keep it clean." I just don't understand how covering your floors with thick fabric is a good thing. *gag*
We are watching Parking Wars. On A&E. Fun show. William especially gets a kick out of it. This episode, they are booting cars in Detroit. Boy, do people get nuts when they get tickets and boots.
Okay, 'nuff nattering, for now.
Current Weight
287.8
A net one pound loss for two weeks. Hardly stellar. If I go by my fluke weight of 288, two weeks ago. I still think that was largely doe to a fluid dump, especially taking into account my hard bounce.
Whatthefuckever. I am headed in the right direction, again and that, in the long run is all that matters.
Should be another pretty, pretty day here today. It is supposed to get to sixty, today then warm up as the week goes on. Seventy-seven by next Friday. Yeah, baby! I keep seeing stories of the snow socked in mountains in California. Some of the ski resorts are speculating that with the base they have, they can stay open into June, even July. Now, that is a shitload of snow. Next time I start pissing and moaning over eight to twelve inches here, I will have to remember that people in the Tahoe area, for instance are dealing with ten+ feet. And more could very definitely fall.
As you can see, I am playing with my blog settings, again. I just can't seem to leave well enough alone. I like to try new looks, fonts, colours. I want to try it all... And it makes for one crazy ass looking blog that doesn't look the same for long. In fact, I have an idea for background and header... :P Also, I am sure that many of you are relieved I got over the calligraphic text. I liked it but even I found it difficult to read, after a while. I found myself squinting as I read it and that isn't good. I have to battle to keep crows feet at bay as it is... I don't need to be encouraging their encroachment with a hard to read blog!
They guys just took off to go to take themselves and FIL to the barbershop, run a few guy errands, do a little guy shopping, then they are going to take the in laws (or, as Pookie calls them, the Goon Squad) to do their weekly shopping. Since FIL stopped driving, Willy Dog and Pookie... Ya know what? I think, by their nicknames, you have all probably guessed what my husband's and son's names are, by now. What the hell... I am going to just use their names. If they read this (which I doubt will ever happen!) and protest, tough noogies. This is my frakking blog and besides, it isn't going to hurt them or cause them to lose all of their privacy and ruin their lives. So, without further ado, allow me to introduce to you my husband, William and my son, Patrick.
Where was I? Oh, yes. William or Patrick take them out to do their weekly shopping, take them out to do errands and so forth. They live in the same condo complex as we do. There are two two unit buildings, we live in one building, they in the other. After our former common wall neighbour moved out last September, there was talk of moving them in next door. I put the kaibosh on that one really fast. Look, I adore my in laws and we get along pretty well but I don't want to share a common wall with them. We all lived in the same house for almost five years. That was way more than enough togetherness for me, thankyouverymuch. As much as I complain about the new guy next door's booming voice, I don't want my in laws that close, again. They are still close enough that William can be there for them, take them places, help them around their house when they need him, but we have enough space for me to feel comfortable. It works. :)
Okay, I need to run along. I want to hit the bathroom, have another cup of leaded and pound a bowl of oatmeal.
Have a great Caturday, everyone!
A net one pound loss for two weeks. Hardly stellar. If I go by my fluke weight of 288, two weeks ago. I still think that was largely doe to a fluid dump, especially taking into account my hard bounce.
Whatthefuckever. I am headed in the right direction, again and that, in the long run is all that matters.
Should be another pretty, pretty day here today. It is supposed to get to sixty, today then warm up as the week goes on. Seventy-seven by next Friday. Yeah, baby! I keep seeing stories of the snow socked in mountains in California. Some of the ski resorts are speculating that with the base they have, they can stay open into June, even July. Now, that is a shitload of snow. Next time I start pissing and moaning over eight to twelve inches here, I will have to remember that people in the Tahoe area, for instance are dealing with ten+ feet. And more could very definitely fall.
As you can see, I am playing with my blog settings, again. I just can't seem to leave well enough alone. I like to try new looks, fonts, colours. I want to try it all... And it makes for one crazy ass looking blog that doesn't look the same for long. In fact, I have an idea for background and header... :P Also, I am sure that many of you are relieved I got over the calligraphic text. I liked it but even I found it difficult to read, after a while. I found myself squinting as I read it and that isn't good. I have to battle to keep crows feet at bay as it is... I don't need to be encouraging their encroachment with a hard to read blog!
They guys just took off to go to take themselves and FIL to the barbershop, run a few guy errands, do a little guy shopping, then they are going to take the in laws (or, as Pookie calls them, the Goon Squad) to do their weekly shopping. Since FIL stopped driving, Willy Dog and Pookie... Ya know what? I think, by their nicknames, you have all probably guessed what my husband's and son's names are, by now. What the hell... I am going to just use their names. If they read this (which I doubt will ever happen!) and protest, tough noogies. This is my frakking blog and besides, it isn't going to hurt them or cause them to lose all of their privacy and ruin their lives. So, without further ado, allow me to introduce to you my husband, William and my son, Patrick.
Where was I? Oh, yes. William or Patrick take them out to do their weekly shopping, take them out to do errands and so forth. They live in the same condo complex as we do. There are two two unit buildings, we live in one building, they in the other. After our former common wall neighbour moved out last September, there was talk of moving them in next door. I put the kaibosh on that one really fast. Look, I adore my in laws and we get along pretty well but I don't want to share a common wall with them. We all lived in the same house for almost five years. That was way more than enough togetherness for me, thankyouverymuch. As much as I complain about the new guy next door's booming voice, I don't want my in laws that close, again. They are still close enough that William can be there for them, take them places, help them around their house when they need him, but we have enough space for me to feel comfortable. It works. :)
Okay, I need to run along. I want to hit the bathroom, have another cup of leaded and pound a bowl of oatmeal.
Have a great Caturday, everyone!
Friday, March 25, 2011
It's Friday! You Know What That Means... Bring On the BYOC
Good morning, love bugs. How is everyone? I am just barely tolerable. But I think it is going to be a seriously pretty day, today. It is in the mid thirties, right now but expected to warm up into the upper fifties, this afternoon. Then, slowly warm until it hits 76 on Thursday.
Hello Spring!
Okay, I need to grab another mug of leaded then get going on BYOC.
1. How do you handle criticism?
Pretty well, actually. Most of the time. Criticism can sting but if it is sincere, meant to help and to enrich I am able to process it, accept it and act on it, as I see fit.
There are some types of criticism that I don't take so well. I spent the majority of my childhood being relentlessly and viciously bullied and when someone is outright or obliquely nasty, I can react pretty badly. I don't often show it on the outside... I am a consummate actress and I am damned good at playing it cool but inside I am telling myself that I deserve it, that I brought it on myself, that I am indeed, ugly, stupid, fat, gross, worthless and on and on and on. Inside, I am dissolving in floods of tears, screaming in pain and just wanting to run, find a deep hole and hide. From myself and from the world that didn't do anything to deserve the obscenity that is me. Then I punish myself for being so inadequate, for not being beautiful, good enough. For not measuring up.
2. Who had or has had the greatest impact on your life?
Without a doubt, my mother. She is my hero. She is an incredible woman. Fiercely intelligent, quietly authoritative, supremely confident. My mother has this incredible innate elegance of self that I can only aspire to. She has always been my biggest supporter and my most fierce defender. There have been a few occasions in my life when I needed her to rise up and be a dragon in my defense and she stepped up admirably. Without her, I wouldn't have survived. Without her, I wouldn't be half the person I am, today. My mother is my closest kindred spirit, my inspiration and my very best friend. I trust her implicitly (and I don't trust, easily) and I can't imagine my life without that dazzling creature in it.
3. If you had a friend that spoke to you the way YOU speak to yourself – would you keep them as a friend and for how long?
Shit, Draz! You had to go there, didn't you? I don't know how to answer this question. A part of me is emphatically shouting "No frakking way! No friend would/should be allowed to speak to me that way!" Another part of me thinks, "Why not? You treat yourself like shit and think you deserve it, why would it surprise you so much that someone else is inspired to do the same?"
Wow! I really need and want to get to the point where I can say unequivocally, no, I would never allow anyone to treat me badly. And that goes for myself. I know on one level that I don't deserve it. It is convincing my other levels of that truth.
Talk about crazy...
4. Do you think crying is a form or weakness or a form of strength?
Oooo! Good one! I think it is both. Crying is an excellent way to relieve intense emotion, cleanse shit from your heart and mind. It is beautiful, sometimes. I mean, what is more touching than a couple crying as they say their vows as they marry? A man crying when he holds his newborn child for the first time, a woman crying with joy as she watches her little one ride a bike for the first time... Things like that.
Crying can also be a nasty form of manipulation and when it is used in that fashion, I despise the tears and person using them.
Crying can be a show of weakness. Some people cry at the drop of a hat. Not from true emotion but just to be dramatic, to be the center of attention. I find that kind of behaviour to be a serious character flaw and a form of weakness.
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.
In blogland, it has been a drama queen week for me. And I am heartily ashamed of myself and ready to put it behind me and move on. *blushes*
In real life, things just tick along. My home life is pretty even keeled. I fight hard to keep it that way. I need it to be that way. I am feeling a little fragile, emotionally at the present. I am working on a few things in myself and I need to know that otherwise things are stable. I have to have a safe anchor to hang on to. And my life, while not ideal to me right now does present a certain amount of that much needed safety.
I am doing better, diet wise. I am finding it easier to stay on track, I am not struggling so much. That is a relief, I was really tearing myself up in that department and it is good to have that tension ease up, for now.
My cat is insane, lately. I don't know what is with him. lolol
Okay, so there you have it, my pets.
Hello Spring!
Okay, I need to grab another mug of leaded then get going on BYOC.
1. How do you handle criticism?
Pretty well, actually. Most of the time. Criticism can sting but if it is sincere, meant to help and to enrich I am able to process it, accept it and act on it, as I see fit.
There are some types of criticism that I don't take so well. I spent the majority of my childhood being relentlessly and viciously bullied and when someone is outright or obliquely nasty, I can react pretty badly. I don't often show it on the outside... I am a consummate actress and I am damned good at playing it cool but inside I am telling myself that I deserve it, that I brought it on myself, that I am indeed, ugly, stupid, fat, gross, worthless and on and on and on. Inside, I am dissolving in floods of tears, screaming in pain and just wanting to run, find a deep hole and hide. From myself and from the world that didn't do anything to deserve the obscenity that is me. Then I punish myself for being so inadequate, for not being beautiful, good enough. For not measuring up.
2. Who had or has had the greatest impact on your life?
Without a doubt, my mother. She is my hero. She is an incredible woman. Fiercely intelligent, quietly authoritative, supremely confident. My mother has this incredible innate elegance of self that I can only aspire to. She has always been my biggest supporter and my most fierce defender. There have been a few occasions in my life when I needed her to rise up and be a dragon in my defense and she stepped up admirably. Without her, I wouldn't have survived. Without her, I wouldn't be half the person I am, today. My mother is my closest kindred spirit, my inspiration and my very best friend. I trust her implicitly (and I don't trust, easily) and I can't imagine my life without that dazzling creature in it.
3. If you had a friend that spoke to you the way YOU speak to yourself – would you keep them as a friend and for how long?
Shit, Draz! You had to go there, didn't you? I don't know how to answer this question. A part of me is emphatically shouting "No frakking way! No friend would/should be allowed to speak to me that way!" Another part of me thinks, "Why not? You treat yourself like shit and think you deserve it, why would it surprise you so much that someone else is inspired to do the same?"
Wow! I really need and want to get to the point where I can say unequivocally, no, I would never allow anyone to treat me badly. And that goes for myself. I know on one level that I don't deserve it. It is convincing my other levels of that truth.
Talk about crazy...
4. Do you think crying is a form or weakness or a form of strength?
Oooo! Good one! I think it is both. Crying is an excellent way to relieve intense emotion, cleanse shit from your heart and mind. It is beautiful, sometimes. I mean, what is more touching than a couple crying as they say their vows as they marry? A man crying when he holds his newborn child for the first time, a woman crying with joy as she watches her little one ride a bike for the first time... Things like that.
Crying can also be a nasty form of manipulation and when it is used in that fashion, I despise the tears and person using them.
Crying can be a show of weakness. Some people cry at the drop of a hat. Not from true emotion but just to be dramatic, to be the center of attention. I find that kind of behaviour to be a serious character flaw and a form of weakness.
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.
In blogland, it has been a drama queen week for me. And I am heartily ashamed of myself and ready to put it behind me and move on. *blushes*
In real life, things just tick along. My home life is pretty even keeled. I fight hard to keep it that way. I need it to be that way. I am feeling a little fragile, emotionally at the present. I am working on a few things in myself and I need to know that otherwise things are stable. I have to have a safe anchor to hang on to. And my life, while not ideal to me right now does present a certain amount of that much needed safety.
I am doing better, diet wise. I am finding it easier to stay on track, I am not struggling so much. That is a relief, I was really tearing myself up in that department and it is good to have that tension ease up, for now.
My cat is insane, lately. I don't know what is with him. lolol
Okay, so there you have it, my pets.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Aisling, I Love You!!!
And I had no idea you read my blog. And, I don't know how I managed to miss your comment, the last time. And, thank you! It was so simple, so obvious. Such a little thing. And of course, I completely missed it. lol You rock. You rule. Did I mention that I love you? :D
All that drama over a stupid little dot.
So, dear ones, if any of you have grabbed the old button, please, kick it to the curb and grab this one. It really does work. And I don't have to change my url and I am an idiot. And a drama queen.
But mostly, I am an idiot. lol
Other than that... A good day. I am almost done (well... sorta) drinking my stupid water. I need to finish it off.
Okay, I am off.
Squeee!
All that drama over a stupid little dot.
So, dear ones, if any of you have grabbed the old button, please, kick it to the curb and grab this one. It really does work. And I don't have to change my url and I am an idiot. And a drama queen.
But mostly, I am an idiot. lol
Other than that... A good day. I am almost done (well... sorta) drinking my stupid water. I need to finish it off.
Okay, I am off.
Squeee!
Never Frakking Mind!
I tried to change my url. I lost my blogroll and I disappeared off of every ones blogrolls. Ack! I was gone! So, I just changed back to my old url and I am back and I don't think I had outta mess with it, anymore. *sigh* I will figure this all out, one day. I usually manage to figure things out, as I go along, given enough time and determination.
Computer shit drives me insane.
On a stick.
Might as well have lunch, now. I can shower after.
Computer shit drives me insane.
On a stick.
Might as well have lunch, now. I can shower after.
Allow Me To Bitch, Just a Little Bit and a Change is a Coming
Word verifications. If the frakking things get any longer I don't know what I am going to do! I mean, when I first started blogging, most of them were four or five letters. Now they are six, seven or eight. And they are getting more and more complicated to type and they are driving me to distraction. Blogger, please hear me, ease up, already! Some of us hate the word verifications with a burning passion and making them more and more difficult to type isn't making us any happier.
Just needed to get that off my chest.
Okay, so, Karen said that she has changed her blog url without her readers losing her. So, I am going to go for it. If I disappear, you will know what happened and just know that I will be working furiously to get back to normal. I hope. Being the biggest tech idiot in the Western hemisphere, I will do my best. ;)
It is a pretty day, here. Sunny, clear. Warming up very nicely. The trees are leafing out, they are misted in veils of the first, soft green of Spring. I am beginning to see early flowers blooming and the birdies are exercising their voices in glorious song.
I can't believe it is almost April. Where the hell is the time going?
Oatmeal with almond milk and cinnamon and coffee for brekkie. I am doing my best with my water. I am rebelling a little, against it and don't wanna drink it! *insert foot stamp, here* but I will. Every frakking drop. In fact, I need to go fill my tumblers. I use two big, plastic tumblers. They hold about 24 ounces each. Fill both and I have killed almost two quarts. I use a straw, keep my water at room temp to make it go down more easily and slurp, slurp, slurp. It works.
Okay. I need to get in the shower and I have a few things to do around here.
I need a vacation.
Just needed to get that off my chest.
Okay, so, Karen said that she has changed her blog url without her readers losing her. So, I am going to go for it. If I disappear, you will know what happened and just know that I will be working furiously to get back to normal. I hope. Being the biggest tech idiot in the Western hemisphere, I will do my best. ;)
It is a pretty day, here. Sunny, clear. Warming up very nicely. The trees are leafing out, they are misted in veils of the first, soft green of Spring. I am beginning to see early flowers blooming and the birdies are exercising their voices in glorious song.
I can't believe it is almost April. Where the hell is the time going?
Oatmeal with almond milk and cinnamon and coffee for brekkie. I am doing my best with my water. I am rebelling a little, against it and don't wanna drink it! *insert foot stamp, here* but I will. Every frakking drop. In fact, I need to go fill my tumblers. I use two big, plastic tumblers. They hold about 24 ounces each. Fill both and I have killed almost two quarts. I use a straw, keep my water at room temp to make it go down more easily and slurp, slurp, slurp. It works.
Okay. I need to get in the shower and I have a few things to do around here.
I need a vacation.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
My Frakking Cat Bit Me
He didn't chomp down hard, but that little fucker knows better. He seems to be in a weird mood, tonight. He keeps pinballing around the house, clawing at my sofas (something else he knows better than to do!) and just acting like a psycho kitty. I wonder what he has been smoking? lol
It's been a pretty good day... I am on track with calories and water. And I am not being crazy or struggling so I am counting it as a good day. :)
I am thinking of changing my blog url (which I do know how to do). Somehow, Blogger allowed me to register with an already in use url and when I try to do something like set up a button to my blog, it directs to that other blog, instead. Stupid, in the extreme. What I want to know, if anyone happens to know, is if my followers and those with my blog on their blogroll will still be directed to my blog, with it's new url or will I have to let people know I changed it? And, if I do, how do I go about it? Has anyone done this? Is it easy or difficult? I can't do anything too techie... :P
Let's see... Anything else on my mind?
Not really.
I think I wrung myself out, the past couple of days. :P
It's been a pretty good day... I am on track with calories and water. And I am not being crazy or struggling so I am counting it as a good day. :)
I am thinking of changing my blog url (which I do know how to do). Somehow, Blogger allowed me to register with an already in use url and when I try to do something like set up a button to my blog, it directs to that other blog, instead. Stupid, in the extreme. What I want to know, if anyone happens to know, is if my followers and those with my blog on their blogroll will still be directed to my blog, with it's new url or will I have to let people know I changed it? And, if I do, how do I go about it? Has anyone done this? Is it easy or difficult? I can't do anything too techie... :P
Let's see... Anything else on my mind?
Not really.
I think I wrung myself out, the past couple of days. :P
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
I'm Calling the Groundhog Out
It is time for the little fucker to live up to his promise and end this Winter shit.
Now.
On February second a liquored up (allegedly, I mean... don't you need to be really wasted to think that hauling an innocent, sleeping furry creature out of it's warm, Winterized den is even remotely cool?) overdressed man (why is it always men who do this crazy shit? In tuxedos?), hauled Punxsutawney Phil out of his hole and the creature, through his incredible powers of prognostication predicted an early Spring.
It snowed here, yesterday.
The groundhog lied.
He gets that one free pass. Now, if there is any further hint of Winter, the little fucker is toast.
It is a prettier day, today. It is sunny and warming up a little. I did all my laundry yesterday. Today, I have other chores to do. Then I think I need a fresh manicure. My pedicure is still in good shape, so I don't have to hassle with that.
I suppose I should get to it... I have spent the entire morning just sitting around, slurping coffee, goofing around on my 'puter, watching TV. Being completely unproductive and useless in the extreme. I just finished watching Easy A. Have you seen it? I have to say, for a "teen movie" it is surprisingly good. Sharp, smart and funny as heck. It is a very loose, contemporary adaptation of Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter. I got a kick out of it.
Let's see... Yesterday I did well on calories. 1300 and change and I drank all of my water. I managed to stay out of the chip bag and away from other free roaming things I shouldn't eat. I am working to extend my streak today, as well.
Okay, I need to get off this computer and my ass and get to it. I'll check in with all of you, later. :D
Now.
On February second a liquored up (allegedly, I mean... don't you need to be really wasted to think that hauling an innocent, sleeping furry creature out of it's warm, Winterized den is even remotely cool?) overdressed man (why is it always men who do this crazy shit? In tuxedos?), hauled Punxsutawney Phil out of his hole and the creature, through his incredible powers of prognostication predicted an early Spring.
It snowed here, yesterday.
The groundhog lied.
He gets that one free pass. Now, if there is any further hint of Winter, the little fucker is toast.
It is a prettier day, today. It is sunny and warming up a little. I did all my laundry yesterday. Today, I have other chores to do. Then I think I need a fresh manicure. My pedicure is still in good shape, so I don't have to hassle with that.
I suppose I should get to it... I have spent the entire morning just sitting around, slurping coffee, goofing around on my 'puter, watching TV. Being completely unproductive and useless in the extreme. I just finished watching Easy A. Have you seen it? I have to say, for a "teen movie" it is surprisingly good. Sharp, smart and funny as heck. It is a very loose, contemporary adaptation of Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter. I got a kick out of it.
Let's see... Yesterday I did well on calories. 1300 and change and I drank all of my water. I managed to stay out of the chip bag and away from other free roaming things I shouldn't eat. I am working to extend my streak today, as well.
Okay, I need to get off this computer and my ass and get to it. I'll check in with all of you, later. :D
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Big Heaping Bowls of Lies
I am trying to type around my cat. Not so much fun, actually. :P
Have you ever watched food commercials and been astonished at the amounts of food heaped everywhere? Bountiful piles of food all around, feeding us the comforting lie that if we just indulge in those piles of food we will be happier, healthier, more beautiful, have a happier family life and a better marriage/relationship.
I feel that advertisers are part of the evil that is the obesity epidemic in this country. Am I blaming them for my weight problems? For the weight problems of everyone in this country? Around the world? Certainly not. At least, not directly. But I am handing them some of the culpability. It is their job, after all to make whatever product they are charged with selling to look irresistible, make us believe that we can't live without it. That our lives would be empty, our health would suffer, our beauty fade away, our families fall apart without this product.
It is the advertisers' job to make us want the product. And they do their job beautifully. Unfortunately, they so drastically distort reality to the point that we consumers have some to see the distortions as reality. And therein lies the problem. And their culpability. We have been brainwashed to believe that if we use this overpriced "Beauty Fliude" hawked by such and such a fah-fah French(ified) company that we forty something gals with our fine lines, beginnings of wrinkles, our starting to sag jowls and baby wattles will instantly look like the precisely styled, airbrushed, carefully lit, digitally altered teenager in the commercial and print ads in our favourite fashion mags. Now, I am not saying that taking care of our skin is a bad thing. I happen to believe strongly that we gals should take the best care we can of our skin. I have a good routine and am particularly fond of certain Neutrogena Ageless Intensives and Loreal Youth Code products. They work for me. Do they make me look like that unrealistically perfected teenager? No frakking way. Nor am I deluded enough to expect them to. But I do think that they aid, somewhat, in my looking and feeling the best I can, for myadvanced age.
Thanks to commercials we believe that if Bob-Mr. The Biggest Loser trainer-Harper is digging into an enormous, heaping bowl of oatmeal or oat based cereal squares and is fit, muscular and healthy, than we will be, too. The simple fact of the matter is, those commercials are a lie and they are doing us a grave disservice. They are, in fact, doing us a great deal of harm.
How, you ask? How can oatmeal be harmful? How can healthy oat squares cereal full of good for your bod whole grains be a bad thing? The simple answer is of course, they aren't. When they are eaten in the correct portions. But the portion distortion shown in those commercials would be hilarious if they weren't so damned tragic. And the fact that a much respected trainer is endorsing these huge portions of an otherwise very beneficial food is, in my opinion a travesty.
On his show, The Biggest Loser, Bob Harper teaches the contestants about nutrition and portion control. How to eat the right things in the right amounts. Crucial things for obese persons to learn, yes? Yet, in his commercials, he is seen digging joyfully into huge bowls heaped high above the rims with oatmeal studded with those oh-so-healthy blueberries and crisp, woven oat squares swimming in milk while faded, sunlit scenes of healthy, slender, active, golden people flash across the screen around him and while we watch him running lightly, strongly across the landscape. And we are expected to swallow this bullshit. Hook, line and sinker. And swallow the cereal in such massive amounts, too, it seems.
The proper portion of oatmeal is 1/2 cup. Of most cold cereals? 3/4 to one cup. I am sorry, love-bugs, but those quantities don't come anywhere close to heaping high above the rim of a large, over sized cereal bowl. And for Bob Harper to allow such an obvious distortion to be made in his name, with his hard won image makes me respect and trust his word less than I used to. And makes me wonder just how good his word really is if he is willing to sell it so cheaply. Maybe that is crazy thinking and talk. I am full of crazy, which you already know, if you have been reading my nattering for any length of time. But I just happen to believe that if a highly visible and respected fitness trainer is going to endorse a product as healthy, he should insist on showing that product in it's correct portion.
I own a set of dishes that have bowls about the same size as the ones seen in those commercials and I can tell you for an absolute fact that one portion of oatmeal or cold cereal doesn't look like those commercials when served up in my bowls. So, if you see those commercials and want to buy and eat the cereals, by all means, do so. They are yummy and good for us. But measure carefully. And maybe use a smaller bowl.
Proper perspective and realistic expectations. They are crucial. We have to be able to sift through the idealized and distorted "reality" of advertising and glean from it the real truth. Because God forbid they actually show us the truth. Unthinkable! Think I'm full of shit? Just try to make your mascara make your lashes look like the commercials and print ads that drove you to run to the department store or drugstore to buy that brand and apply it, in hopes of long, thick, lush, waving fans of lashes. lol Mascara is a good thing, my friends. I won't leave my house without it. But unless you are willing to apply false lashes every day, don't expect any mascara, no matter how expensive or graced with some fancy French unpronounceable name to make you look like those ads.
Perspective. You have to have it. Because the advertisers won't give it to you, my friend. Not for your face. Not for your food.
It is a nice day, today. Overcast but pleasant. Windy, on and off. We are expecting lower temps for the rest of the week, starting tomorrow and some rain, too. Happily, it isn't supposed to get cold enough to snow. Do not want cold. Do not want snow. I like rain, tho. :D
It is a lazy Sunday in this household. Pookey slept until just a few minutes ago and has finally dragged himself out of bed and gotten himself some food. Pizza rolls. Healthy late brekkie, huh? lol Willy Dog is lying on the sofa, hogging the remote. Sabryna is passed out on her beddies and I am sitting here, unshowered, hair all piled up in a scrunchie, needing desperately to pee typing this. I slept until almost nine-thirty myself, this morning. I guess I needed the sleep. Gar!!! The water! It runs through me! BRB.
How many times have I seen Beverly Hills Cop? Enough times that I can run the lines with the movie. *sigh* Husbands and remotes. There outta be a law. A law, I say. Right now, Willy Dog is passed out cold. Snoring. But, if I were to pick up my remote (yes, we each have our own remote) and even think about changing the channel, his eyes would pop open and his remote would automatically, instantly be pointed at the TV while his glance would slide over to me, as if to tell me that I don't dare. You think I'm joking? :P
I think it is a man thing...
The movie has ended and he is on to baseball. Bleargh. And snoring, again.
Yes, that is how long this fucking post is taking me to write, edit, re write. I swear, I could give birth faster and more easily than I can write a blog entry.
Oh! And, after ten thousand typos and typing at a speed that makes my normal typing look like the speed of light, I did kick the cat off me.
He wasn't happy.
Too bad.
Just click Publish Post, Erika. You have done all you can. :P
Have you ever watched food commercials and been astonished at the amounts of food heaped everywhere? Bountiful piles of food all around, feeding us the comforting lie that if we just indulge in those piles of food we will be happier, healthier, more beautiful, have a happier family life and a better marriage/relationship.
I feel that advertisers are part of the evil that is the obesity epidemic in this country. Am I blaming them for my weight problems? For the weight problems of everyone in this country? Around the world? Certainly not. At least, not directly. But I am handing them some of the culpability. It is their job, after all to make whatever product they are charged with selling to look irresistible, make us believe that we can't live without it. That our lives would be empty, our health would suffer, our beauty fade away, our families fall apart without this product.
It is the advertisers' job to make us want the product. And they do their job beautifully. Unfortunately, they so drastically distort reality to the point that we consumers have some to see the distortions as reality. And therein lies the problem. And their culpability. We have been brainwashed to believe that if we use this overpriced "Beauty Fliude" hawked by such and such a fah-fah French(ified) company that we forty something gals with our fine lines, beginnings of wrinkles, our starting to sag jowls and baby wattles will instantly look like the precisely styled, airbrushed, carefully lit, digitally altered teenager in the commercial and print ads in our favourite fashion mags. Now, I am not saying that taking care of our skin is a bad thing. I happen to believe strongly that we gals should take the best care we can of our skin. I have a good routine and am particularly fond of certain Neutrogena Ageless Intensives and Loreal Youth Code products. They work for me. Do they make me look like that unrealistically perfected teenager? No frakking way. Nor am I deluded enough to expect them to. But I do think that they aid, somewhat, in my looking and feeling the best I can, for my
Thanks to commercials we believe that if Bob-Mr. The Biggest Loser trainer-Harper is digging into an enormous, heaping bowl of oatmeal or oat based cereal squares and is fit, muscular and healthy, than we will be, too. The simple fact of the matter is, those commercials are a lie and they are doing us a grave disservice. They are, in fact, doing us a great deal of harm.
How, you ask? How can oatmeal be harmful? How can healthy oat squares cereal full of good for your bod whole grains be a bad thing? The simple answer is of course, they aren't. When they are eaten in the correct portions. But the portion distortion shown in those commercials would be hilarious if they weren't so damned tragic. And the fact that a much respected trainer is endorsing these huge portions of an otherwise very beneficial food is, in my opinion a travesty.
On his show, The Biggest Loser, Bob Harper teaches the contestants about nutrition and portion control. How to eat the right things in the right amounts. Crucial things for obese persons to learn, yes? Yet, in his commercials, he is seen digging joyfully into huge bowls heaped high above the rims with oatmeal studded with those oh-so-healthy blueberries and crisp, woven oat squares swimming in milk while faded, sunlit scenes of healthy, slender, active, golden people flash across the screen around him and while we watch him running lightly, strongly across the landscape. And we are expected to swallow this bullshit. Hook, line and sinker. And swallow the cereal in such massive amounts, too, it seems.
The proper portion of oatmeal is 1/2 cup. Of most cold cereals? 3/4 to one cup. I am sorry, love-bugs, but those quantities don't come anywhere close to heaping high above the rim of a large, over sized cereal bowl. And for Bob Harper to allow such an obvious distortion to be made in his name, with his hard won image makes me respect and trust his word less than I used to. And makes me wonder just how good his word really is if he is willing to sell it so cheaply. Maybe that is crazy thinking and talk. I am full of crazy, which you already know, if you have been reading my nattering for any length of time. But I just happen to believe that if a highly visible and respected fitness trainer is going to endorse a product as healthy, he should insist on showing that product in it's correct portion.
I own a set of dishes that have bowls about the same size as the ones seen in those commercials and I can tell you for an absolute fact that one portion of oatmeal or cold cereal doesn't look like those commercials when served up in my bowls. So, if you see those commercials and want to buy and eat the cereals, by all means, do so. They are yummy and good for us. But measure carefully. And maybe use a smaller bowl.
Proper perspective and realistic expectations. They are crucial. We have to be able to sift through the idealized and distorted "reality" of advertising and glean from it the real truth. Because God forbid they actually show us the truth. Unthinkable! Think I'm full of shit? Just try to make your mascara make your lashes look like the commercials and print ads that drove you to run to the department store or drugstore to buy that brand and apply it, in hopes of long, thick, lush, waving fans of lashes. lol Mascara is a good thing, my friends. I won't leave my house without it. But unless you are willing to apply false lashes every day, don't expect any mascara, no matter how expensive or graced with some fancy French unpronounceable name to make you look like those ads.
Perspective. You have to have it. Because the advertisers won't give it to you, my friend. Not for your face. Not for your food.
It is a nice day, today. Overcast but pleasant. Windy, on and off. We are expecting lower temps for the rest of the week, starting tomorrow and some rain, too. Happily, it isn't supposed to get cold enough to snow. Do not want cold. Do not want snow. I like rain, tho. :D
It is a lazy Sunday in this household. Pookey slept until just a few minutes ago and has finally dragged himself out of bed and gotten himself some food. Pizza rolls. Healthy late brekkie, huh? lol Willy Dog is lying on the sofa, hogging the remote. Sabryna is passed out on her beddies and I am sitting here, unshowered, hair all piled up in a scrunchie, needing desperately to pee typing this. I slept until almost nine-thirty myself, this morning. I guess I needed the sleep. Gar!!! The water! It runs through me! BRB.
How many times have I seen Beverly Hills Cop? Enough times that I can run the lines with the movie. *sigh* Husbands and remotes. There outta be a law. A law, I say. Right now, Willy Dog is passed out cold. Snoring. But, if I were to pick up my remote (yes, we each have our own remote) and even think about changing the channel, his eyes would pop open and his remote would automatically, instantly be pointed at the TV while his glance would slide over to me, as if to tell me that I don't dare. You think I'm joking? :P
I think it is a man thing...
The movie has ended and he is on to baseball. Bleargh. And snoring, again.
Yes, that is how long this fucking post is taking me to write, edit, re write. I swear, I could give birth faster and more easily than I can write a blog entry.
Oh! And, after ten thousand typos and typing at a speed that makes my normal typing look like the speed of light, I did kick the cat off me.
He wasn't happy.
Too bad.
Just click Publish Post, Erika. You have done all you can. :P
Saturday, March 19, 2011
What a Fucking Drama Queen
I am so sorry about my meltdown, this morning. I didn't mean to upset or concern anyone. I was feeling sorry for myself and I acted like a hormonal fifteen year old. All that was lacking was foot stamping and furiously texting my friends about how much I hate the world while the latest emo music blasted in the background.
Thank you all for your supportive messages. *hugs* I am going to try to answer all of you, here. :)
Okay, a few things. I am not giving up on myself. I have come way to far, worked way to damned hard to let a little glitch on the scale send me right back from whence I came. I am not binging or overeating. I am, in fact nicely on track and drinking my water as I need to. :D I had a little chat via e-mail with Allan and he basically told me no fucking way am I getting let out of the challenge. lol I gave it some thought and realized that I was acting on impulse and after thinking about it, I didn't really want to withdraw so, I am staying in. It is good motivation for me. But I am not going to drive myself up the wall or twist myself in knots over it, any longer. This is about me. And I am not going to try to compete with anyone else.
My husband is a manipulative, controlling asshole. I know this but I am not able to go elsewhere, at present. I have obligations I have to live up to. I am stuck here, for the foreseeable future. I don't like it but I am not backing out on my word. I have to see some things through before I am free to move on. Meanwhile, I have to put up with his bullshit and just try to put my foot down as best I can, when I can. I have made a little progress but there are some areas in which he remains mulish and I can't break through. I just do the best I can.
I am pissed that he doesn't seem to give a shit that certain foods can trigger me and he still brings them in. I am working on letting them be unimportant to me. Nothing else I can do. If I get too strident in my insistence that he not bring them home, I am being mean and denying him the things he wants... Blah, blah, blah. After a while, It is just easier to give in and try to move on in the face of it. Since I have no choice, I have to learn to get over myself and deal.
I do have low self esteem. But I am trying to build it a little. It isn't easy. lol You go through life believing to the deepest depths of your heart, mind and gut that you are ugly, stupid, worthless, useless, not good enough, unworthy... You tend to have a tough time letting go of those beliefs. I don't like them. I would love to throw them off.
I do feel like a failure. I expect so damned much from myself that when I don't deliver, I can really come down on myself. I feel as if I deserve to be chewed out, told what a fuck up I am, how worthless, stupid and ineffective I am. And if I don't hear it from someone else, you can be sure I will hear it from myself. I refuse to allow it to knock me down, tho.
Something else I could stand to work on.
So, this has been a self involved, poor me pity party kind of day and I am so sorry about that. I will try to be more positive, upbeat and less "Call the Waaambulance".
If you made it this far, you deserve a sugar free cookie.
Thank you all for your supportive messages. *hugs* I am going to try to answer all of you, here. :)
Okay, a few things. I am not giving up on myself. I have come way to far, worked way to damned hard to let a little glitch on the scale send me right back from whence I came. I am not binging or overeating. I am, in fact nicely on track and drinking my water as I need to. :D I had a little chat via e-mail with Allan and he basically told me no fucking way am I getting let out of the challenge. lol I gave it some thought and realized that I was acting on impulse and after thinking about it, I didn't really want to withdraw so, I am staying in. It is good motivation for me. But I am not going to drive myself up the wall or twist myself in knots over it, any longer. This is about me. And I am not going to try to compete with anyone else.
My husband is a manipulative, controlling asshole. I know this but I am not able to go elsewhere, at present. I have obligations I have to live up to. I am stuck here, for the foreseeable future. I don't like it but I am not backing out on my word. I have to see some things through before I am free to move on. Meanwhile, I have to put up with his bullshit and just try to put my foot down as best I can, when I can. I have made a little progress but there are some areas in which he remains mulish and I can't break through. I just do the best I can.
I am pissed that he doesn't seem to give a shit that certain foods can trigger me and he still brings them in. I am working on letting them be unimportant to me. Nothing else I can do. If I get too strident in my insistence that he not bring them home, I am being mean and denying him the things he wants... Blah, blah, blah. After a while, It is just easier to give in and try to move on in the face of it. Since I have no choice, I have to learn to get over myself and deal.
I do have low self esteem. But I am trying to build it a little. It isn't easy. lol You go through life believing to the deepest depths of your heart, mind and gut that you are ugly, stupid, worthless, useless, not good enough, unworthy... You tend to have a tough time letting go of those beliefs. I don't like them. I would love to throw them off.
I do feel like a failure. I expect so damned much from myself that when I don't deliver, I can really come down on myself. I feel as if I deserve to be chewed out, told what a fuck up I am, how worthless, stupid and ineffective I am. And if I don't hear it from someone else, you can be sure I will hear it from myself. I refuse to allow it to knock me down, tho.
Something else I could stand to work on.
So, this has been a self involved, poor me pity party kind of day and I am so sorry about that. I will try to be more positive, upbeat and less "Call the Waaambulance".
If you made it this far, you deserve a sugar free cookie.
Insanity
I am being driven insane. By my own idiocy and my scale. Today, my weight is 291. I know that I am not eating enough calories to have gained three pounds. The only thing I can think of is that the 288 was a fluke, aided by a fluid dump courtesy of my Lasix. Which means it wasn't a "real" weight loss. It was an illusion. I was so happy about it. It was a lie. And I am a failure. And here I sit... 291. *sigh*
Insane.:P
I have decided to withdraw from Allan's challenge. I am just bogging things down. I am not losing to expectations, I can't buy and eat to the exact menus posted (I am not allowed that control over the shopping. I am allowed to go to the store on occasion but I can't really make the grocery decisions. I have to do my thing with the limited healthy, lo cal foods I am provided or allowed to buy.) and I am just wasting his time. I wish everyone in the challenge good luck and I am still going to read and cheer everyone on and be inspired by you all, as always. But I just need to do my thing and not waste Allan's time and keep tying myself in knots over not doing everything right.
I am so mad at myself, right now. I am a failure of epic proportions.
My head is starting to bang. And I just feel like crawling into a dark hole, somewhere and hiding and crying for about a month. I'm not going to... I am going to suck it up and get on with it. I just need to sit here and drink my coffee, watch some mindless tube and pout for a while.
Insane.:P
I have decided to withdraw from Allan's challenge. I am just bogging things down. I am not losing to expectations, I can't buy and eat to the exact menus posted (I am not allowed that control over the shopping. I am allowed to go to the store on occasion but I can't really make the grocery decisions. I have to do my thing with the limited healthy, lo cal foods I am provided or allowed to buy.) and I am just wasting his time. I wish everyone in the challenge good luck and I am still going to read and cheer everyone on and be inspired by you all, as always. But I just need to do my thing and not waste Allan's time and keep tying myself in knots over not doing everything right.
I am so mad at myself, right now. I am a failure of epic proportions.
My head is starting to bang. And I just feel like crawling into a dark hole, somewhere and hiding and crying for about a month. I'm not going to... I am going to suck it up and get on with it. I just need to sit here and drink my coffee, watch some mindless tube and pout for a while.
Friday, March 18, 2011
A Little Comic Relief
Have you guys seen this commercial? It is so sick. And so funny. Turn on your sound, click and giggle. :D
It is official.
I have Spring fever.
Baaaaad!
I also have Spring allergies, but that is a whole 'nuther bitch fest for another day. ;)
Yesterday was a good day. I ate decently and got all my water. Today is shaping up really well, too. I have some stuff to get done but I just want to go out and play. I'll probably just do my housework and my nails, instead. And see about getting out to the lake, later. A good walk would help treat my Spring fever. :)
Have you ever had a cafe au lait made with almond milk? It is really scrummy. Seriously. Just combine one cup of screaming hot coffee and one cup screaming hot almond milk (I like unsweetened vanilla Almond Breeze) in an over sized mug. Sweeten with your fave sweetener or some Torani sugar free syrup. With the almond milk I use it is forty calories. Lovely.
Okay, my water is running through me. A new movie title? The Water Runs Through Her. Yeah... No. Maybe not. :P
Okay. Have a great day, everyone.
It is official.
I have Spring fever.
Baaaaad!
I also have Spring allergies, but that is a whole 'nuther bitch fest for another day. ;)
Yesterday was a good day. I ate decently and got all my water. Today is shaping up really well, too. I have some stuff to get done but I just want to go out and play. I'll probably just do my housework and my nails, instead. And see about getting out to the lake, later. A good walk would help treat my Spring fever. :)
Have you ever had a cafe au lait made with almond milk? It is really scrummy. Seriously. Just combine one cup of screaming hot coffee and one cup screaming hot almond milk (I like unsweetened vanilla Almond Breeze) in an over sized mug. Sweeten with your fave sweetener or some Torani sugar free syrup. With the almond milk I use it is forty calories. Lovely.
Okay, my water is running through me. A new movie title? The Water Runs Through Her. Yeah... No. Maybe not. :P
Okay. Have a great day, everyone.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Pop the Cork
I figured it out.
What the hell was bugging me and sending me off over the edge.
Pressure.
Pressure I was placing on myself to stay within very tight parameters. That "Oh my gosh! I can't go over 1200 calories or I am doomed!" mentality I had constructed was tearing me up inside. I would start to get close, start to have too many calories, too early and I would feel this horrid buildup of panic and pressure and I would try to relieve it in the pantry or the fridge.
Yes, I could have taken it outside. Walked it off. Cleaned more. Turned on some music and danced. I could have. But I didn't. I didn't go there in my mind. I went into panic mode. I went into my all or nothing perfectionism screwed up thinking mode.
Under normal circumstances, I am a pressure player. Give me a crisis, a hard deadline, a tough task and I will rise to the occasion. I become incredibly focused, I go into a zone and I perform. Flawlessly.
Except with it comes to weight loss. In this area, I have learned that I can't put that kind of pressure on myself. I can't box myself in too tightly. I can't allow perfectionist or all or nothing thinking to invade my mind. I can't allow the very traits that make me such a powerhouse under other circumstances to come to the fore in my weight loss arena. When I do, I fail.
Miserably.
Spectacularly.
This awareness hit me over the weekend. I kept trying to work out why I was having such a tough time sticking to the plan, why I couldn't do what I had been doing so well for over a year. Why I couldn't get my shit together, get off the stick and get the fucking job done. I was twisted up in knots, breaking apart. I was obsessing, frightened and beginning to despair. Why couldn't I figure it out? Why couldn't I solve the problem?
And it finally hit me. Like a 2X4 right in the back of the head.
Pressure. Self imposed pressure. (Please let me make it crystal clear here and now, I am not blaming anyone, any plan, any challenge or other entity, this is all self imposed, completely on me! This was all in my head, coming from my own head!)
Fixing it was as simple as releasing the pressure. Once I told myself that the old parameters were back in place, once I allowed myself to slip back into the comfortable, familiar 1200 to 1500 calorie target range, the tension drained from my mind and my body. I had popped the cork. The pressure shot out of my head and I was back where I need to be. Focused. Calm. In my zone. Ready, on track and working my plan.
I am okay. And, now that I have that breathing room, I am sticking more closely to the lower end of my target zone. But, if I need to use some of that cushion, I do. Without beating myself up, telling myself that I am bad or a failure or that I have ruined it all, I am doomed and I might as well just eat away the feelings. And I don't.
I am still in the Double Dog Dare You Challenge as long as I am welcome. But on this point I will not bend. I can't. I have to work this in a way that doesn't twist me up mentally and trigger my all or nothing perfectionist bullshit thinking. One day, I would like to conquer this one. I have conquered a lot, in the past year. I have mucked a lot of shit out of my stall, carried it out back, dumped it on my shit pile and walked away from it. But I can't muck this one. Not yet. At this point and time, I am just not there. I am aware of it. I know that it needs to be dealt with but I accept it for the present. I know that one day, I will be able to stick my pitchfork into it, pick it up, dump it into my mental wheelbarrow and take it out back, throw it on my shit pile, turn around and walk away from it. I know that I will do that. One day. :D
Now to get my ass moving and walking, again. *sigh* I have fallen into the laze, the haze, the "Oh, I'll go tomorrow, I have too much to do right now" excuse cycle. Not good. I need to move. It will ramp my weight loss back up and make me feel better, physically and mentally. I know all of this. Now, I just have to get off my ass and do it.
Oh yeah, it is kick my own ass day. :D
I am on track, food and water are great. Head is clear. Mind is calm. I can breathe, again.
I need to go toss my laundry in my dryer and hit the ladies'. All that lovely water is a running through me.
Later, my pets. <3
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Boob Envy
Serious envy.
Of what? You might ask.
The shrinking boobs of my fellow weight loss bloggers, that's what.
I read laments about shrinking boobage and I just want to scream in frustration and envy. My boobs just aren't shrinking all that much. And they are so immense that I keep expecting them to get smaller as the rest of me does. My band size is shrinking. But, after 110 pounds of fat loss, I am still wearing the same fucking cup size!!!!!
Arrrrgh!!!!!
Now, I will grant you, when I started this whole thing, I was overflowing those cups. But still... I expected serious boob shrinkage. I am hoping that as I continue to lose, this will eventually happen. Please! Let it happen!
I need to haul out my sewing kit and take another couple of tucks in my bra band or else my humongous boobs will pull my band up in the back and it will fly up over the back of my head. Like a giant boob wedgie.
Good times.
I have dreams about having a radical, major reduction, one of these days. Literally dream about it. One morning, I woke from one of those dreams, in which I had perky little ta-tas and still had my big old hanging waist length bajongas and I burst into tears.
Yeah. I hate my boobs. An I cup sucks. Big green donkey dicks.
If you have a more petite bust line, get down on your knees and thank your deity of choice.
I am praying that mine will see fit to inspire my insurance company to pay for my reduction, when the time comes.
Of what? You might ask.
The shrinking boobs of my fellow weight loss bloggers, that's what.
I read laments about shrinking boobage and I just want to scream in frustration and envy. My boobs just aren't shrinking all that much. And they are so immense that I keep expecting them to get smaller as the rest of me does. My band size is shrinking. But, after 110 pounds of fat loss, I am still wearing the same fucking cup size!!!!!
Arrrrgh!!!!!
Now, I will grant you, when I started this whole thing, I was overflowing those cups. But still... I expected serious boob shrinkage. I am hoping that as I continue to lose, this will eventually happen. Please! Let it happen!
I need to haul out my sewing kit and take another couple of tucks in my bra band or else my humongous boobs will pull my band up in the back and it will fly up over the back of my head. Like a giant boob wedgie.
Good times.
I have dreams about having a radical, major reduction, one of these days. Literally dream about it. One morning, I woke from one of those dreams, in which I had perky little ta-tas and still had my big old hanging waist length bajongas and I burst into tears.
Yeah. I hate my boobs. An I cup sucks. Big green donkey dicks.
If you have a more petite bust line, get down on your knees and thank your deity of choice.
I am praying that mine will see fit to inspire my insurance company to pay for my reduction, when the time comes.
In Reply
FF, my hips and migraines are what they are. So are my stinking knees, for that matter. I got the okay to take NSAIDS with Lasix from my doc, so I am getting some relief and am more comfortable. My head... It is what it is. I have lived with it all of my life. I am used to it. I just like to bitch about it, from time to time. A little whine helps us to feel better, sometimes. lol
Hugs, Leafy One. I think you could use one.
Twix, thank you for dropping in and commenting. I don't own a bicycle. I am a walker. :D
I am battling a fear. It is a stupid one. And it is overwhelming me. I think that maybe I could get down on the floor. But it has literally been decades since I tried. And my knees are so awful (I can't even squat down without horrid pain) and I am so afraid to even try. I keep telling myself that I need to lose more weight before I can try. Which is the case. I am not even ready to attempt it. Not physically. Not even mentally.
Told you. Stupid.
Totally stupid. Irrational. Silly. One day, I will. One day I will be light enough, strong enough, have mental balls big enough to do it.
It is such a fucking weird thing, being so afraid to do something that everyone can do multiple times throughout their day without even thinking about it. Hell, I used to love sitting on the floor. I used to choose it, rather than taking a chair. I never gave it a second thought. Just gracefully sank down and popped back up. Now, I can't even bring myself to think about it. Obesity. It has taken so much from me. So many years. So many moments. So many mindless, lovely little things.
It isn't taking any more from me. I have futzed around for the past few months. Lost a little weight but mostly just made excuses and nattered about not a lot of anything. Whined about this, that and the other. And fucked around. Ten pounds or so in three months? Hardly impressive. Hardly what I thought I would achieve in this time.
Please don't think I am looking to be patted on the head and told it is okay. Because I am not. And it is not. I am just writing this out, here, as this is where I need to do it. I appreciate the chance to talk your ears off (so to speak) in this blog because I can't really talk about it here, IRL. My husband has a very limited tolerance for my whining and yammering on this subject. Sooo.. You all get barraged with it, instead. :P
Don't you just feel sooo honoured? :P
Time to open the blinds, windows and let in some fresh air, light and do a little housework. I might even make Pookey's bed for him. He slept late, jumped out of bed, threw on his work clothes and ran out the door and to his car without even stopping to pee, I think. I guess he forgot to set his alarm. I bet he doesn't forget, again. lol
Okay, I have to pee. All that water... In one end, out the other. Rapidly. lol
Later, gators.
Hugs, Leafy One. I think you could use one.
Twix, thank you for dropping in and commenting. I don't own a bicycle. I am a walker. :D
I am battling a fear. It is a stupid one. And it is overwhelming me. I think that maybe I could get down on the floor. But it has literally been decades since I tried. And my knees are so awful (I can't even squat down without horrid pain) and I am so afraid to even try. I keep telling myself that I need to lose more weight before I can try. Which is the case. I am not even ready to attempt it. Not physically. Not even mentally.
Told you. Stupid.
Totally stupid. Irrational. Silly. One day, I will. One day I will be light enough, strong enough, have mental balls big enough to do it.
It is such a fucking weird thing, being so afraid to do something that everyone can do multiple times throughout their day without even thinking about it. Hell, I used to love sitting on the floor. I used to choose it, rather than taking a chair. I never gave it a second thought. Just gracefully sank down and popped back up. Now, I can't even bring myself to think about it. Obesity. It has taken so much from me. So many years. So many moments. So many mindless, lovely little things.
It isn't taking any more from me. I have futzed around for the past few months. Lost a little weight but mostly just made excuses and nattered about not a lot of anything. Whined about this, that and the other. And fucked around. Ten pounds or so in three months? Hardly impressive. Hardly what I thought I would achieve in this time.
Please don't think I am looking to be patted on the head and told it is okay. Because I am not. And it is not. I am just writing this out, here, as this is where I need to do it. I appreciate the chance to talk your ears off (so to speak) in this blog because I can't really talk about it here, IRL. My husband has a very limited tolerance for my whining and yammering on this subject. Sooo.. You all get barraged with it, instead. :P
Don't you just feel sooo honoured? :P
Time to open the blinds, windows and let in some fresh air, light and do a little housework. I might even make Pookey's bed for him. He slept late, jumped out of bed, threw on his work clothes and ran out the door and to his car without even stopping to pee, I think. I guess he forgot to set his alarm. I bet he doesn't forget, again. lol
Okay, I have to pee. All that water... In one end, out the other. Rapidly. lol
Later, gators.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Random Nattering
I am boring as hell, right now. I don't feel inspired to write. I can't seem to drag a thought out of my head to save my frakking life. I am okay. Eating well and drinking my water. My house is clean, my family and pets are cared for.
I am just... I dunno...
It was another gorgeous day, today. It is supposed to be 74, tomorrow then cool off. There is a possibility for rain and snow, late in the week. Rain is fine. Snow? Do not want.
I am checking in, reading everyone and so forth. Maybe I'll get over this writer's block, soon.
Okay, I am done.
I am just... I dunno...
It was another gorgeous day, today. It is supposed to be 74, tomorrow then cool off. There is a possibility for rain and snow, late in the week. Rain is fine. Snow? Do not want.
I am checking in, reading everyone and so forth. Maybe I'll get over this writer's block, soon.
Okay, I am done.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Epic Fail
If you grabbed my button, please remove it from your page. It is linking to another blog. One that hasn't been updated in seven years. One that only had two entries and it out there, floating around, with my frakking url. GAH!!!! I hate that guy, whoever he is!
Of course, stupid me had to go and create this url without Googling first to be sure someone else wasn't using it.
*sigh* I suck.
Again.
The button I made for my other blog works just fine, so I do know how to do it. I just can't get one to link here. Waaaahhh!!!
Stupid guy who used my url first, then abandoned his blog, leaving me in the lurch.
In other news, today is a good day with food. And water is okay. Not stellar. But sufficient. I'll drink all my water tomorrow.
It was a beautiful day, today. Sunny and about seventy. How much prettier can it get, in March?
Of course, stupid me had to go and create this url without Googling first to be sure someone else wasn't using it.
*sigh* I suck.
Again.
The button I made for my other blog works just fine, so I do know how to do it. I just can't get one to link here. Waaaahhh!!!
Stupid guy who used my url first, then abandoned his blog, leaving me in the lurch.
In other news, today is a good day with food. And water is okay. Not stellar. But sufficient. I'll drink all my water tomorrow.
It was a beautiful day, today. Sunny and about seventy. How much prettier can it get, in March?
Ooops. I Are a Skrew Up!
When I made my button, I put one to many .com in the direction line of the code and it wasn't working. It is fixed, now and should work properly. So, if you have grabbed my button, please discard the old one and grab the new one. Or you can just remove the additional .com in your HTML/JAVASCRIPT gadget. I am so sorry about that. Here I am, trying to whore my blog and I can't even solicit properly.
Some blog whore I am. :P
A sincere thank you to RNTGirl for letting me know. And telling me what I needed to do to make it work. *big kisses!*
And yes... The misspelling in my title was indeed, deliberate. My attempt at being cute. :P
So, how is everyone this fine Sunday morning? I am okay. I held steady on the scale. Not surprising, considering how puffy I am. *sigh* It never fails. I suck. lol Hopefully next Sunday will be better.
I am sure that actually sticking more closely to plan wouldn't hurt! (Yes, that was directed at me. ;))
It is going to be a gorgeous day. The sun is shining, the birdies are singing and it is already warming up nicely. If this keeps up, we are going to be able to start planting Spring flowers, soon. Pansies first, probably, as they are most cold tolerant in case we get a late cold snap. Then petunias, portulaca, daisies of different varieties, especially African daisies, geraniums, alyssum, million bells... I need to get some nice trailers, too for hanging baskets. Maybe I'll try my hand at some dahlias and some other varieties I have never attempted, this year. I can't wait! I love to grow flowers. :D
Is it just me or is my blog now annoyingly pastel, even for my oh-so-girlie standards? lol
Okay, I am still 3/4 brain dead. I need another cup of leaded and to start on my water for the day. I'll catch all you fine folk, later.
Some blog whore I am. :P
A sincere thank you to RNTGirl for letting me know. And telling me what I needed to do to make it work. *big kisses!*
And yes... The misspelling in my title was indeed, deliberate. My attempt at being cute. :P
So, how is everyone this fine Sunday morning? I am okay. I held steady on the scale. Not surprising, considering how puffy I am. *sigh* It never fails. I suck. lol Hopefully next Sunday will be better.
I am sure that actually sticking more closely to plan wouldn't hurt! (Yes, that was directed at me. ;))
It is going to be a gorgeous day. The sun is shining, the birdies are singing and it is already warming up nicely. If this keeps up, we are going to be able to start planting Spring flowers, soon. Pansies first, probably, as they are most cold tolerant in case we get a late cold snap. Then petunias, portulaca, daisies of different varieties, especially African daisies, geraniums, alyssum, million bells... I need to get some nice trailers, too for hanging baskets. Maybe I'll try my hand at some dahlias and some other varieties I have never attempted, this year. I can't wait! I love to grow flowers. :D
Is it just me or is my blog now annoyingly pastel, even for my oh-so-girlie standards? lol
Okay, I am still 3/4 brain dead. I need another cup of leaded and to start on my water for the day. I'll catch all you fine folk, later.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Collecting Buttons
I am collecting grab me buttons from the blogs I follow. If you have a button please let me know and I'll come grab it. :D
It is a gorgeous day, today. Seventy degrees. Sunny. A little on the windy side, but just beautiful. Moar days like this, please!
Food is good. Water... Not so much. I am doing the best I can to get more down. I just didn't drink a lot today because I was going out and didn't want to spend all of my time looking for bathrooms. lol
I did a little drugstore/Sally's crawl, today. I just needed to do some mindless shopping and that is what I did. Bought polish, nail art supplies, some makeup, some "repairing" serum stuff for my hair, a great big bottle of polish remover, that sort of thing. It was fun. Sometimes a little girlie retail therapy is just what the Doctor ordered. I can't wait to try the two new Orly Spring polishes I picked up. Sally's didn't have all of the colours I had my eye on but I did manage to get Sapphire Silk and Ancient Jade.
I installed a fart app on my phone. I am trying to figure out how to make a fart the ringtone for my son. It's appropriate. My son is a major gasbag. Major. Gasbag. There must be a way to do it. I just need to figure it out.
I want to get in the car and go to the coast and play in the ocean.
It is a gorgeous day, today. Seventy degrees. Sunny. A little on the windy side, but just beautiful. Moar days like this, please!
Food is good. Water... Not so much. I am doing the best I can to get more down. I just didn't drink a lot today because I was going out and didn't want to spend all of my time looking for bathrooms. lol
I did a little drugstore/Sally's crawl, today. I just needed to do some mindless shopping and that is what I did. Bought polish, nail art supplies, some makeup, some "repairing" serum stuff for my hair, a great big bottle of polish remover, that sort of thing. It was fun. Sometimes a little girlie retail therapy is just what the Doctor ordered. I can't wait to try the two new Orly Spring polishes I picked up. Sally's didn't have all of the colours I had my eye on but I did manage to get Sapphire Silk and Ancient Jade.
I installed a fart app on my phone. I am trying to figure out how to make a fart the ringtone for my son. It's appropriate. My son is a major gasbag. Major. Gasbag. There must be a way to do it. I just need to figure it out.
I want to get in the car and go to the coast and play in the ocean.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Friday Night is Right For Fighting
Nope. Sorry. Not fighting. I just really, really wanted an excuse to use that title and since it is Friday night... :P
I had a decent day food wise and a good day water wise. I am retaining fluid like mad. I was up a couple on my scale, this morning. *sigh* Even with Lasix I am puffy. I suck. lol
It is warm, here. It got into the seventies, today and it is warm enough right now that the window is open and the ceiling fan is going. Just a few nights ago, I was shivering and turning on heat. Screwy weather, this time of year.
I learned how to make and offer Grab Me buttons for my blogs. Please, grab one, if you like. :D If anyone is interested in a how to to make and offer your own, let me know in comments and I will do a post on it. It is super easy. Seriously. Super easy. All you need is some basic knowledge of Paint and how to copy and paste and have a photo hosting account, like Photobucket.
Willy Dog is off for three days. Bleargh! He got an extra day off because his birthday was on the seventh. So, rather than just tow days with him underfoot, I get three. Come soon, Monday!
Sooo... What else? Nothing, really. I am being incredibly boring, right now.
I had a decent day food wise and a good day water wise. I am retaining fluid like mad. I was up a couple on my scale, this morning. *sigh* Even with Lasix I am puffy. I suck. lol
It is warm, here. It got into the seventies, today and it is warm enough right now that the window is open and the ceiling fan is going. Just a few nights ago, I was shivering and turning on heat. Screwy weather, this time of year.
I learned how to make and offer Grab Me buttons for my blogs. Please, grab one, if you like. :D If anyone is interested in a how to to make and offer your own, let me know in comments and I will do a post on it. It is super easy. Seriously. Super easy. All you need is some basic knowledge of Paint and how to copy and paste and have a photo hosting account, like Photobucket.
Willy Dog is off for three days. Bleargh! He got an extra day off because his birthday was on the seventh. So, rather than just tow days with him underfoot, I get three. Come soon, Monday!
Sooo... What else? Nothing, really. I am being incredibly boring, right now.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Been a Few, Huh?
I am just not feeling all that chatty. Nothing really wrong, or anything. I am fighting with my eating, again. *sigh* Nothing outrageous but I am not happy with myself. I feel so stupid. I know better and how to do better. But I make the wrong choices. It is almost as if I want to fail? It feels weird and wrong. And I am working through it.
I think I need to get rid of my soy sauce. I use light soy, less sodium but it still makes me swell up like a poisoned dog. And if it is in my house, I am going to use it. Time to kiss it goodbye. I had to take a whole Lasix, this morning, for the puffiness. Not good. I am slamming water and have my feet up... Ugh!
It is warm, today. Sunny and clear as a bell and just lovely. It is supposed to hit 73 for a high, this afternoon. Love it! I am just hoping this isn't a Spring tease. I have a nasty feeling that Old Man Winter isn't quite finished with us. We usually get some noce weather, start thinking the worst is over, then it gets cold again. And sometimes we get a nice, late snow dumped on us for good measure, too.
I am reading a good deal about food addiction, lately. No doubt it exists. I am a food addict. And I am struggling with that, lately. But I can't sit here and blame the addiction for my choices. Ultimately, I am responsible for those choices. Addiction or not. An alcoholic chooses to take a drink. A drug addict chooses to shoot up. I chose to stand in front of my pantry cabinet and eat some cheese puffs, yesterday. No one held a gun to my head. I chose it. I have to take responsibility for that choice, addiction or not. A large part of recovering from an addiction is taking responsibility for choices made. Knowing that yes, we have an addiction but we still make the decision to indulge in the drug, drink or food of choice.
I am so sick of my bullshit. Seriously. Some days I want to slap the shit out of myself. I would happily slap the shit out of someone else behaving as I do. I would gladly slap them a royal one, shout "Wake the fuck up!" and remind them that this is their life they are fighting for, here. So, I have to willing to slap the shit out of myself, shout to myself to "Wake the fuck up!" and remind myself that this is my life I am fighting for, here. I need my gallbladder out. I need to get the pressure of extreme weight off my trashed hips and knees. I desperately need to get the pressure of extreme weigh off my poor hips and knees. I need to get this done. And I don't need to be indulging in food fuckery and slowing my progress and harming myself, making my hips and knees live in this over sized body any longer than they have to.
I have a job to do. Time to dummy up and deal.
*sigh*
My hips hurt so bad yesterday that I finally put in a call to my doc to get her okay on using NSAIDS and Lasix together. She gave me the go ahead and I now have sweet relief from the pain. Even my hamburger knees feel a little better. I might actually feel good enough to get out and take a walk, later. I have been hobbling around for almost a week, it feels good to be able to move freely, again.
Okay, I need to go toss Sabryna's beddies cover in the dryer and hit the head. I am peeing like a racehorse.
I think I need to get rid of my soy sauce. I use light soy, less sodium but it still makes me swell up like a poisoned dog. And if it is in my house, I am going to use it. Time to kiss it goodbye. I had to take a whole Lasix, this morning, for the puffiness. Not good. I am slamming water and have my feet up... Ugh!
It is warm, today. Sunny and clear as a bell and just lovely. It is supposed to hit 73 for a high, this afternoon. Love it! I am just hoping this isn't a Spring tease. I have a nasty feeling that Old Man Winter isn't quite finished with us. We usually get some noce weather, start thinking the worst is over, then it gets cold again. And sometimes we get a nice, late snow dumped on us for good measure, too.
I am reading a good deal about food addiction, lately. No doubt it exists. I am a food addict. And I am struggling with that, lately. But I can't sit here and blame the addiction for my choices. Ultimately, I am responsible for those choices. Addiction or not. An alcoholic chooses to take a drink. A drug addict chooses to shoot up. I chose to stand in front of my pantry cabinet and eat some cheese puffs, yesterday. No one held a gun to my head. I chose it. I have to take responsibility for that choice, addiction or not. A large part of recovering from an addiction is taking responsibility for choices made. Knowing that yes, we have an addiction but we still make the decision to indulge in the drug, drink or food of choice.
I am so sick of my bullshit. Seriously. Some days I want to slap the shit out of myself. I would happily slap the shit out of someone else behaving as I do. I would gladly slap them a royal one, shout "Wake the fuck up!" and remind them that this is their life they are fighting for, here. So, I have to willing to slap the shit out of myself, shout to myself to "Wake the fuck up!" and remind myself that this is my life I am fighting for, here. I need my gallbladder out. I need to get the pressure of extreme weight off my trashed hips and knees. I desperately need to get the pressure of extreme weigh off my poor hips and knees. I need to get this done. And I don't need to be indulging in food fuckery and slowing my progress and harming myself, making my hips and knees live in this over sized body any longer than they have to.
I have a job to do. Time to dummy up and deal.
*sigh*
My hips hurt so bad yesterday that I finally put in a call to my doc to get her okay on using NSAIDS and Lasix together. She gave me the go ahead and I now have sweet relief from the pain. Even my hamburger knees feel a little better. I might actually feel good enough to get out and take a walk, later. I have been hobbling around for almost a week, it feels good to be able to move freely, again.
Okay, I need to go toss Sabryna's beddies cover in the dryer and hit the head. I am peeing like a racehorse.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Your Queen Opens Up; ABC's About Me
Okay, I'll play. I have been seeing this ABC's thing floating around the blogs for a while, now. I thought I would get in on the fun, tho to be honest, I don't know how much new information I will be imparting, the way I spill my guts, around here. lol
Age: 46
Bed size: Queen... Of course! :D
Chore you hate: Washing dishes! Thank heaven for my dishwasher!
Dogs: One. Sabryna, our sweet Aussie cross.
Essential start of your day: Coffee! Without it, I am brain dead, bleary and unable to function.
Fave color: Blue.
Gold or silver: I am a gold girl. :D
Height: 5'7" I wish I were tall like a model. :P
Instruments I play: None. I am, alas, talentless... *weep*
Job title: Mad Housewife.
Kids: One grown son. And no... There will be no more! I am done. :D
Live: Prescott, Arizona.
Mom’s name: Letitia. Everyone calls her Tish.
Nicknames: Shermie, Khardo, Bitch.
Overnight hospital stays: A couple. When I had my son and when I had surgery.
Pet peeve: Rude people! Good Lord, when did it become socially acceptable for everyone to be so rude?
Quote from a movie: "Release the Kraken!" ~~ Clash of the Titans
Right or left handed: Right.
Siblings: Lots. I am the second eldest of seven.
Time you wake up: six-ish in weekdays, I have been sleeping a little later on weekends, lately.
Underwear: 100% cotton granny panties. They are soft, cool and comfortable. When it comes to my undercarriage, comfort is of the utmost importance. :D
Veg you dislike: Eggplant. And broccoli, lately. I recently made myself sick on it and now I can't stand it.
What makes you run late: Nothing. I am so prompt it is annoying.
X-rays you have had done: Teeth, skull, wrist, elbow, chest, spine. That is all I can think of...
Yummy food you make: Sauteed shrimp in an onion, garlic, soy glaze. (Still working on perfecting the recipe. It is a delicious process.) :D
Zoo Animal, favorite: Never been to a zoo.
Well, that was more fun than a bag full of cats, don't you think? If you haven't done this yet, what are you waiting for? Spill your guts. :D
In other news, my ankle hurts! Ow! It isn't "Oh, noes! I need a doc!" sore, just a little unhappy. I'll live. It is a nice morning and I would really love to get out and have a little fun, today. Except for my walk, I have been cooped up and I have cabin fever. Big time.
Tomorrow is Willy Dog's Birthday so I cooked sausages and eggs for him and Pookey. I don't cook like that for brekkie, often. I had oatmeal and coffee. Usually, the smell of sausage gets my tummy rumbling, my mouth watering and my mental I want it! all going but this morning? Nothing. They didn't even smell good to me. I had no desire to try to fit "just one" into my day. Happiness is being over your sausage thing. :D
Something else I realised; when I was out for my walk, yesterday, after my run I was breathing hard, as expected. And for a minute I thought that I didn't like breathing like that. That it was uncomfortable and a little scary. Then it hit me... I used to breathe like that just walking a short distance, or getting up my stairs or taking my usual walk at the lake. I used to breathe so hard that I would be in fear that my lungs would burst, all the time. I no longer do and it is a little disconcerting to breathe that way.
Why do people act like idiots on game shows?
Age: 46
Bed size: Queen... Of course! :D
Chore you hate: Washing dishes! Thank heaven for my dishwasher!
Dogs: One. Sabryna, our sweet Aussie cross.
Essential start of your day: Coffee! Without it, I am brain dead, bleary and unable to function.
Fave color: Blue.
Gold or silver: I am a gold girl. :D
Height: 5'7" I wish I were tall like a model. :P
Instruments I play: None. I am, alas, talentless... *weep*
Job title: Mad Housewife.
Kids: One grown son. And no... There will be no more! I am done. :D
Live: Prescott, Arizona.
Mom’s name: Letitia. Everyone calls her Tish.
Nicknames: Shermie, Khardo, Bitch.
Overnight hospital stays: A couple. When I had my son and when I had surgery.
Pet peeve: Rude people! Good Lord, when did it become socially acceptable for everyone to be so rude?
Quote from a movie: "Release the Kraken!" ~~ Clash of the Titans
Right or left handed: Right.
Siblings: Lots. I am the second eldest of seven.
Time you wake up: six-ish in weekdays, I have been sleeping a little later on weekends, lately.
Underwear: 100% cotton granny panties. They are soft, cool and comfortable. When it comes to my undercarriage, comfort is of the utmost importance. :D
Veg you dislike: Eggplant. And broccoli, lately. I recently made myself sick on it and now I can't stand it.
What makes you run late: Nothing. I am so prompt it is annoying.
X-rays you have had done: Teeth, skull, wrist, elbow, chest, spine. That is all I can think of...
Yummy food you make: Sauteed shrimp in an onion, garlic, soy glaze. (Still working on perfecting the recipe. It is a delicious process.) :D
Zoo Animal, favorite: Never been to a zoo.
Well, that was more fun than a bag full of cats, don't you think? If you haven't done this yet, what are you waiting for? Spill your guts. :D
In other news, my ankle hurts! Ow! It isn't "Oh, noes! I need a doc!" sore, just a little unhappy. I'll live. It is a nice morning and I would really love to get out and have a little fun, today. Except for my walk, I have been cooped up and I have cabin fever. Big time.
Tomorrow is Willy Dog's Birthday so I cooked sausages and eggs for him and Pookey. I don't cook like that for brekkie, often. I had oatmeal and coffee. Usually, the smell of sausage gets my tummy rumbling, my mouth watering and my mental I want it! all going but this morning? Nothing. They didn't even smell good to me. I had no desire to try to fit "just one" into my day. Happiness is being over your sausage thing. :D
Something else I realised; when I was out for my walk, yesterday, after my run I was breathing hard, as expected. And for a minute I thought that I didn't like breathing like that. That it was uncomfortable and a little scary. Then it hit me... I used to breathe like that just walking a short distance, or getting up my stairs or taking my usual walk at the lake. I used to breathe so hard that I would be in fear that my lungs would burst, all the time. I no longer do and it is a little disconcerting to breathe that way.
Why do people act like idiots on game shows?
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Fucking Gallbladder!
My friends... Your comments, today. I read them over and over and I want to cry, every time. They fill me.
We went out to the lake today to walk. The trails that got all soggy in the last storm are dry and good to go and we walked our usual two miles on Normal Trail. Before we left, I installed Pandora on my phone, grabbed my ass sucking earbuds and off I went. The music was great. I love having it in my ears as I walk. I walked faster, with a longer stride and didn't think about distance or time. I just lost myself in rhythm and moved out. As I approached the tail of the trail, Coldplay was Talk ing in my ear and I just started to run. I couldn't go far or long, but I did go longer and farther than I ever have before. And I went a little faster, with a longer stride and a little bounce in my step. Damn! It was fun! I pushed myself a little, then naturally dropped back to a walk. As I continued to walk, I felt great and I also felt sad. I wanted to just run and run and run.
I never thought I would feel like that. I think I have had a tiny taste of how it feels to be a runner. And I would like more, please.
One day. I must be patient. I must do what I can. A little here, a little there and one day, maybe I will be able to run a few miles at a time. That would be so freaking amazing. To run a 5K one day...
But no more running for me until after I have this fucking gallbladder out. As I was walking back, after turning at the end of the trail the pain hit me hard, in my right side. I tried to ignore it, stretch a little and keep going. That usually works for me but not today. Today it brought me to a dead stop. I dug my hand in hard under my ribcage and just stood there, controlling my breathing and closed my eyes, willing it to just calmdowncalmdowncalmdown. It did, eventually and I was able to finish my walk strong.
I want to get below 250 and get that fucking thing out. The faster, the better. I am over this bullshit. The almost constant low-grade in the background nausea, the pain... Enough, allfrakkingready! Blech!
Say, does anyone have an Android powered smartphone with Pandora on it? I think I turned it off by backing up and going back to home... But I wasn't certain. When I got home, I felt so doubtful about it that I uninstalled Pandora. I am not worried about data usage, I have unlimited data. But Pandora is a battery sucking vampire and I didn't want it running in the background, constantly draining my battery or possibly interfering with other functions. So... My question is, is backing up and going to Home enough to get out of Pandora when you have it playing on your phone? I didn't see a spot to touch to turn it off. I know... I am pathetic and so tech stupid, it isn't funny! lol
Freedom by George Michael is a fabulous walk song. As is Talk by Coldplay. Ordinary World by Duran Duran. Here I Go, Again by Whitesnake... (shut up! I know that you listen to shit I could laugh at you about, too... ;))
Okay, I am now hungry and ready for a little din-din. Don't know what I am going to have. Hmmm...
We went out to the lake today to walk. The trails that got all soggy in the last storm are dry and good to go and we walked our usual two miles on Normal Trail. Before we left, I installed Pandora on my phone, grabbed my ass sucking earbuds and off I went. The music was great. I love having it in my ears as I walk. I walked faster, with a longer stride and didn't think about distance or time. I just lost myself in rhythm and moved out. As I approached the tail of the trail, Coldplay was Talk ing in my ear and I just started to run. I couldn't go far or long, but I did go longer and farther than I ever have before. And I went a little faster, with a longer stride and a little bounce in my step. Damn! It was fun! I pushed myself a little, then naturally dropped back to a walk. As I continued to walk, I felt great and I also felt sad. I wanted to just run and run and run.
I never thought I would feel like that. I think I have had a tiny taste of how it feels to be a runner. And I would like more, please.
One day. I must be patient. I must do what I can. A little here, a little there and one day, maybe I will be able to run a few miles at a time. That would be so freaking amazing. To run a 5K one day...
But no more running for me until after I have this fucking gallbladder out. As I was walking back, after turning at the end of the trail the pain hit me hard, in my right side. I tried to ignore it, stretch a little and keep going. That usually works for me but not today. Today it brought me to a dead stop. I dug my hand in hard under my ribcage and just stood there, controlling my breathing and closed my eyes, willing it to just calmdowncalmdowncalmdown. It did, eventually and I was able to finish my walk strong.
I want to get below 250 and get that fucking thing out. The faster, the better. I am over this bullshit. The almost constant low-grade in the background nausea, the pain... Enough, allfrakkingready! Blech!
Say, does anyone have an Android powered smartphone with Pandora on it? I think I turned it off by backing up and going back to home... But I wasn't certain. When I got home, I felt so doubtful about it that I uninstalled Pandora. I am not worried about data usage, I have unlimited data. But Pandora is a battery sucking vampire and I didn't want it running in the background, constantly draining my battery or possibly interfering with other functions. So... My question is, is backing up and going to Home enough to get out of Pandora when you have it playing on your phone? I didn't see a spot to touch to turn it off. I know... I am pathetic and so tech stupid, it isn't funny! lol
Freedom by George Michael is a fabulous walk song. As is Talk by Coldplay. Ordinary World by Duran Duran. Here I Go, Again by Whitesnake... (shut up! I know that you listen to shit I could laugh at you about, too... ;))
Okay, I am now hungry and ready for a little din-din. Don't know what I am going to have. Hmmm...
Current Weight
288.8 down 5.1 pounds. Woot!
I have to be honest... I don't know how the hell I managed it. lol I guess just not indulging is so much food fuckery, drinking my water and actually trying to stay on track actually works. Who knew? ;)
It feels really good to have my scale headed in the right direction, again. All the battling and struggling wasn't pleasant but I guess I needed to do it. I am feeling better and encouraged and uplifted. I needed a nice little drop, an affirmation to myself that I am doing the right thing. *whew!* Thank you all for your support and encouragement. <3 I <3 you, all!
It is a pretty day today. Clear and it is supposed to warm up really nicely. The lake trails should be nice and dry, again and you know what that means... Mama can go out and walk the trails, again. The city needs to build covers over all of the trails to keep them nice and dry so that we can walk them, even in the worst of weather. Hell, heat them in the Winter and air condition them in the Summer, too. Now, that is a fantasy made in a sci fi book, yes? :D
Marley now has a Catbook profile on Facebook. If anyone has a kitty or is an admirer and would like to friend him or your kitty would like to friend him, clickety, click to travel to his profile. Marley will accept friend requests, kitteh and human. :D
I am drinking coffee, then I think I will have brekkie. I am almost out of eggs, so methinks oatmeal is on the menu. Which is fine, I had eggs, yesterday. I have been eating just whites, lately. I normally do one whole egg and two or three whites, (I have normal cholesterol, so the yolks aren't a problem for me) but I can cut the calories by just doing whites. (Duh!!!) I season them with a little salt and pepper, some Tobasco, a pinch of garlic powder, a nice sploodge of yellow mustard (learned that trick from Tammy :D) and soften them with a little splash of fat free half and half. I used to use water, but water just waters out when the eggs cook and that grosses me out, so ff 1/2 &1/2 it is. It works. I do kind of miss the yolk, and I still have one now and again but all egg whites still gives me the protein I need and when I add a little sauteed onion and mushroom and a little light cheese or a wedge of Laughing Cow Light or a T. of light cream cheese, some salsa, it is filling and good and, well... Nom, nom, nom.
It is the first of March. And that means, Spring allergies. My beak is going crazy. My eyes should follow, soon. Bleargh! I am half tempted to try Claritin, this year. I am sooo tired of the symptoms. But Claritin is spendy. I need to see if my Health Fund pays for it. It does pay for certain OTC drugs and so forth. I should also see if it pays for my vitamins, too. Vitamins are expensive, especially when you take a pile of stuff. I don't know why I didn't think of this, before. Dur! Brain dead old battleaxe, I am. :P
Okay. I am hongry, my bed needs to be made and I want a shower, so I am going to release you from the torture of reading this crap, for now.
Later, gators.
I have to be honest... I don't know how the hell I managed it. lol I guess just not indulging is so much food fuckery, drinking my water and actually trying to stay on track actually works. Who knew? ;)
It feels really good to have my scale headed in the right direction, again. All the battling and struggling wasn't pleasant but I guess I needed to do it. I am feeling better and encouraged and uplifted. I needed a nice little drop, an affirmation to myself that I am doing the right thing. *whew!* Thank you all for your support and encouragement. <3 I <3 you, all!
It is a pretty day today. Clear and it is supposed to warm up really nicely. The lake trails should be nice and dry, again and you know what that means... Mama can go out and walk the trails, again. The city needs to build covers over all of the trails to keep them nice and dry so that we can walk them, even in the worst of weather. Hell, heat them in the Winter and air condition them in the Summer, too. Now, that is a fantasy made in a sci fi book, yes? :D
Marley now has a Catbook profile on Facebook. If anyone has a kitty or is an admirer and would like to friend him or your kitty would like to friend him, clickety, click to travel to his profile. Marley will accept friend requests, kitteh and human. :D
I am drinking coffee, then I think I will have brekkie. I am almost out of eggs, so methinks oatmeal is on the menu. Which is fine, I had eggs, yesterday. I have been eating just whites, lately. I normally do one whole egg and two or three whites, (I have normal cholesterol, so the yolks aren't a problem for me) but I can cut the calories by just doing whites. (Duh!!!) I season them with a little salt and pepper, some Tobasco, a pinch of garlic powder, a nice sploodge of yellow mustard (learned that trick from Tammy :D) and soften them with a little splash of fat free half and half. I used to use water, but water just waters out when the eggs cook and that grosses me out, so ff 1/2 &1/2 it is. It works. I do kind of miss the yolk, and I still have one now and again but all egg whites still gives me the protein I need and when I add a little sauteed onion and mushroom and a little light cheese or a wedge of Laughing Cow Light or a T. of light cream cheese, some salsa, it is filling and good and, well... Nom, nom, nom.
It is the first of March. And that means, Spring allergies. My beak is going crazy. My eyes should follow, soon. Bleargh! I am half tempted to try Claritin, this year. I am sooo tired of the symptoms. But Claritin is spendy. I need to see if my Health Fund pays for it. It does pay for certain OTC drugs and so forth. I should also see if it pays for my vitamins, too. Vitamins are expensive, especially when you take a pile of stuff. I don't know why I didn't think of this, before. Dur! Brain dead old battleaxe, I am. :P
Okay. I am hongry, my bed needs to be made and I want a shower, so I am going to release you from the torture of reading this crap, for now.
Later, gators.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Still Not Feeling Chatty
I'm okay, tho. On track and drinking my water. If my scale doesn't move on Sunday morning I am going to
I am having far more good days than bad, lately. I seem to be getting past my food fuckery and my head is more in the game. *sigh* I just need this to get a little less intensely hard than it has been, lately. I need a chance to put this all in auto pilot and just coast for a while. I am weary of constantly battling and thinking about it and worrying about Sunday morning.
My head is bad. I need to close that blind before my brain explodes and get some more water. *slurp*
Mmmkay... I'm outie. Later, gators. :)
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
In Like a Lion
Happy March, lovies. :D
I am not neglecting my blog. I am just not feeling overly chatty and when I get like this, I just don't post much. I am okay with food and water, after a somewhat rough weekend. I didn't binge or blow it out or anything but I didn't stay at 1200. I am so mad at myself. It seems that since September I am just treading water. Dog paddling a little then treading water, again. Barely keeping my head above water. And it is so stupid. I am fully capable of doing so much better, losing so much faster, powering through. It is bullshit and it needs to stop.
Other than that, not too much that is noteworthy, around here. Life is day to day. I do my thing and get through. :)
So, WTF on The Biggest Loser? Sending Arthur home? Are those people on the red team that fucking stupid? Are they that easily led? They are still buying this "Your team is your family" bullshit. And they are still letting Justen lead them around by the nose and control the game. Wake up, people! Kaylee should have been sent home. Her percentage of weight loss is the lowest, week after week. She is closest to her goal. But the sheep just follow the evil, bearded shepherd and baaa-baaa as he tells them how to live, how to vote, how to feel. They deserve what is coming to them. Steady annihilation at the hands of Roulon and Justen. I really need to lower my expectations and just stop thinking that these people get it.
Oh well. Why do I give a shit? Seriously. If these people are willing to be lead around by the nose, that is their problem. Not mine.
Lordy. I have to pee, again. :P
I am not neglecting my blog. I am just not feeling overly chatty and when I get like this, I just don't post much. I am okay with food and water, after a somewhat rough weekend. I didn't binge or blow it out or anything but I didn't stay at 1200. I am so mad at myself. It seems that since September I am just treading water. Dog paddling a little then treading water, again. Barely keeping my head above water. And it is so stupid. I am fully capable of doing so much better, losing so much faster, powering through. It is bullshit and it needs to stop.
Other than that, not too much that is noteworthy, around here. Life is day to day. I do my thing and get through. :)
So, WTF on The Biggest Loser? Sending Arthur home? Are those people on the red team that fucking stupid? Are they that easily led? They are still buying this "Your team is your family" bullshit. And they are still letting Justen lead them around by the nose and control the game. Wake up, people! Kaylee should have been sent home. Her percentage of weight loss is the lowest, week after week. She is closest to her goal. But the sheep just follow the evil, bearded shepherd and baaa-baaa as he tells them how to live, how to vote, how to feel. They deserve what is coming to them. Steady annihilation at the hands of Roulon and Justen. I really need to lower my expectations and just stop thinking that these people get it.
Oh well. Why do I give a shit? Seriously. If these people are willing to be lead around by the nose, that is their problem. Not mine.
Lordy. I have to pee, again. :P
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