Holy moley. Where goes the time? I decided to hide, this Mothers Day. I am still in a weird head space. I thought I was coming out of that but I guess my fear and anger are still driving me. Add frustration and a wish to step in and change things and you get one screwed up daughter and mother who just wanted that day to disappear, this year. Hell, I didn't even call my mother. I couldn't. I actually blanked it and didn't even think about it until yesterday morning.
Luckily, my mother understands me better than I do myself and I know that she is okay with it. I am the one who isn't okay. I am the one who is not okay with the fact that my mother has breast cancer. There. I said it. And now I am shaking. I am not okay with the fact that not only does she have breast cancer but the fact that she has chosen an unorthodox treatment based on looney bird shit she reads in books and online. My mother is not exactly the biggest fan of mainstream medicine. I get that. But damn it! This no time to goof around with alternative theories. This is the time to act. Aggressively.
But I can't make her do that. I can't force her to do the things that she feels are wrong for her. It is her body. It is her choice. I have no right to dictate to her about her health and her body. I can't legislate her into submission. I can't force my viewpoint on her. I just have to STFU and accept the fact that this is how it is. And keep praying.
Add to this the fact that my aunt, my mother's sister and her daughter also have breast cancer, all in the right breast and you get a kind of freaked out me. I am beginning to think that there is a genetic component, here. I am going to discuss this with my doc when I see her in August. If I have to be tested for the BRCA gene, I will do that. And if I pop positive, I will seriously consider prophylactic measures. In my personal opinion, no bags of fat hanging off the front of my body are worth risking death for. No frakking way.
So, that is where I am, right now. In a weird head space. I have good days and not so good days. And, I am eating some of my feelings. I am not falling completely off track but I admit some days I eat at maintenance level calories. It isn't good and I am slowing my progress. And I am reverting to old, bad habits that I have been working so hard to change. I am trying to get through this weirdness and get my head screwed back on straight. I really am working at it.
I think that just laying it out, getting it off my chest is going to help a bit. I couldn't keep it all bottled up, any longer. I felt as if I would explode. I can't talk to my husband about this. He has no clue what to say and he has no desire to deal with it. So, it sat in there, festering and building pressure. Mothers Day almost sent me over the edge.
Definitely the right decision. I can feel a lot of the tension draining. I know that I violated my rule of not talking about this publicly but that is the way it has to be. This was necessary. And sometimes it does have to be all about me.
Okay, so. It is Tuesday. And I am feeling a little better, now and I am also thinking it is past time for me to get my ass solidly back on track, stop making excuses and get my head back in the game and get this job done. Meeza thinking that blogging my feelings is far more constructive than eating them.
Okay, I need to get a move on. I want to wash my sheets, clean my bathroom and dust and vacuum. I also need to get my brekkie. Patrick is off today and I think that we are going to start Operation Surround Sound. Our old DVD player is toast and I want the better one and surround speakers set up. William won't do it because he doesn't like the speaker wires showing so we have had to put up with the old DVD player that freezes up in the middle of what you are watching. He stubbornly refuses to even consider installing the other one. Asshat. So, I think that Patrick and I will just do it. And when William gets home, it will be done and he can just get the fuck over it. Besides, I think I can fix it up so that the wires to the speakers don't show that badly. It is a matter of putting them in the right spots, running them in the right way and anchoring them. And they are white and so are my walls. So... I think I can make it work.
Okay, I have to run, now. I'll talk to all of you, later.