Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Monday, Monday

Holy moley. Where goes the time? I decided to hide, this Mothers Day. I am still in a weird head space. I thought I was coming out of that but I guess my fear and anger are still driving me. Add frustration and a wish to step in and change things and you get one screwed up daughter and mother who just wanted that day to disappear, this year. Hell, I didn't even call my mother. I couldn't. I actually blanked it and didn't even think about it until yesterday morning.

Luckily, my mother understands me better than I do myself and I know that she is okay with it. I am the one who isn't okay. I am the one who is not okay with the fact that my mother has breast cancer. There. I said it. And now I am shaking. I am not okay with the fact that not only does she have breast cancer but the fact that she has chosen an unorthodox treatment based on looney bird shit she reads in books and online. My mother is not exactly the biggest fan of mainstream medicine. I get that. But damn it! This no time to goof around with alternative theories. This is the time to act. Aggressively.

But I can't make her do that. I can't force her to do the things that she feels are wrong for her. It is her body. It is her choice. I have no right to dictate to her about her health and her body. I can't legislate her into submission. I can't force my viewpoint on her. I just have to STFU and accept the fact that this is how it is. And keep praying.

Add to this the fact that my aunt, my mother's sister and her daughter also have breast cancer, all in the right breast and you get a kind of freaked out me. I am beginning to think that there is a genetic component, here. I am going to discuss this with my doc when I see her in August. If I have to be tested for the BRCA gene, I will do that. And if I pop positive, I will seriously consider prophylactic measures. In my personal opinion, no bags of fat hanging off the front of my body are worth risking death for. No frakking way.

So, that is where I am, right now. In a weird head space. I have good days and not so good days. And, I am eating some of my feelings. I am not falling completely off track but I admit some days I eat at maintenance level calories. It isn't good and I am slowing my progress. And I am reverting to old, bad habits that I have been working so hard to change. I am trying to get through this weirdness and get my head screwed back on straight. I really am working at it.

I think that just laying it out, getting it off my chest is going to help a bit. I couldn't keep it all bottled up, any longer. I felt as if I would explode. I can't talk to my husband about this. He has no clue what to say and he has no desire to deal with it. So, it sat in there, festering and building pressure. Mothers Day almost sent me over the edge.

Definitely the right decision. I can feel a lot of the tension draining. I know that I violated my rule of not talking about this publicly but that is the way it has to be. This was necessary. And sometimes it does have to be all about me.

Okay, so. It is Tuesday. And I am feeling a little better, now and I am also thinking it is past time for me to get my ass solidly back on track, stop making excuses and get my head back in the game and get this job done. Meeza thinking that blogging my feelings is far more constructive than eating them.

Duh! lol

Okay, I need to get a move on. I want to wash my sheets, clean my bathroom and dust and vacuum. I also need to get my brekkie. Patrick is off today and I think that we are going to start Operation Surround Sound. Our old DVD player is toast and I want the better one and surround speakers set up. William won't do it because he doesn't like the speaker wires showing so we have had to put up with the old DVD player that freezes up in the middle of what you are watching. He stubbornly refuses to even consider installing the other one. Asshat. So, I think that Patrick and I will just do it. And when William gets home, it will be done and he can just get the fuck over it. Besides, I think I can fix it up so that the wires to the speakers don't show that badly. It is a matter of putting them in the right spots, running them in the right way and anchoring them. And they are white and so are my walls. So... I think I can make it work.

Okay, I have to run, now. I'll talk to all of you, later.


  1. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. You are right though about it being hard to change her mind because I think my parents are getting even MORE stubborn with age!

    I hope your tuesday goes well!

  2. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I just can't even imagine what you must be feeling. It is hard to watch someone you love risk their health. I'm in that boat with my mother and brother. They seems to have no idea about what the rest of the family is feeling about their lack of concern for their own health. I can't think about it much and I can't see mom often as it just drives me crazy. I will keep you and your mom in my thoughts.

    Good luck with the new surround sound system.

  3. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother! I, too, understand how difficult it is to sit and watched a loved one choose alternative therapy when they have cancer. My best friend nearly lost her life. She could no longer live in New York, so she moved to Mo to live with me. Every day I checked on her, talked to her, and tried to convince her to go seek REAL medical attention because she was literally dying before my eyes. We finally convinced her to go and she has been in remission for 3 years. That was one of the hardest times of my life! Sometimes alternative meds work (rarely), but it is up to that person to decide.

    I also understand your need to express your feelings through your blog. I have been experiencing a lot of hair loss and kept it bottled up inside. I had to get it out before it destroyed me! Now, I'm okay with it. Amazing how that works!

    Anyhow, I will keep your mother in my prayers. Take care!

  4. I am sorry to hear about your Mom and your family.. Breast cancer is hell. ((hugggsss)) to you..

    Know that all of you are in my prayers...

  5. I am really truly sorry to hear about your mother and the rest of your family members. I'm no doctor but I have looked up BRCA testing because of family issues as well, and I think it's a great idea for you to have it done when you feel the time is right.

    I also wanted to say how much I understand eating just enough to maintain, and how bad it sucks. It doesn't take a lot to make me maintain so I still eat healthy, but too much healthy food will make you maintain. It's incredibly frustrating! I don't have any quick advice to snap out of it, but just try and remember why you started this journey. I'm rooting for you!

  6. Im so sorry about your Mom...and that you are struggling so much with her decision. Hugs.

  7. I know this is something you've been "sitting on" for a while now. Despite breaking your "rule" I'm very glad you finally shared. I think it will take some weight off of your shoulders just to get it out there. And it totally okay for it to be a little about YOU, especially when you're struggling with her medical decisions. While my Mom's issues aren't so serious at the moment, I am constantly at odds with her over her decisions because I can't help feeling she's harming herself. Its hard to deal with emotionally... which affects me physically. So sorry you're having to deal with that... makes sense that your head would be in a weird sort of place right now.

    After looking at Mr. Husband's blue ray player (that I got him for his bday in Oct) sit on the top of our cabinet for months, while he stubbornly refused to set it up because he didn't want to lose his surround sound, I took it down and set it all up WITH his speakers yesterday. *HUGE eye roll* here

    Anyway, I will be praying for you and your Mom. Take care of you. :)

  8. Oh dear. I wish I had words of wisdom for you, sweetie. Instead, you, your mom, your aunt, your cousin...You are all in my prayers for sure. I am so sorry to hear this news.

  9. OH IQ - I know I'm late to commenting here. But you've been on my mind since the day you posted this. I sent some of my followers your way to give you thoughts and prayers because I feel so helpless and can't do anything else. I hate that you are hurting. I hate that your mom is sick. I hate it all. I'm so sorry...and I wish that I could do something or take away your pain. Please don't stop blogging or venting how you feel....because we want to help - even if we can only offer words, thoughts and prayers. I love you.


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