Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Pushing Out of My Comfort Zone

On Sunday I wore a fitted red shirt.

It was strange to wear a garment that touches me. That has a shape that echoes my just beginning to emerge shape. It has seams that emphasize my waist. A lower neckline. It doesn't hang down to my thighs.

The way I fussed and worried and my heart beat fast in terror, you would think I had been forced to squeeze myself into an Herve Leger bandage dress. How strange to be so afraid of a simple piece of clothing. Stupid, really. But understandable, too if I think about it. I have worn nothing but huge, shapeless garments for over a decade. So huge that they were basically tents with sleeves. Tents that covered me, billowed around me (when they were loose enough to billow, that is...) that didn't allow any part of me to be seen.

Tents render me invisible. In a tent I don't draw attention. I am just a huge, shapeless blob. Nothing more than a blot on the landscape. I am not human. I don't feel. I am not worthy of notice. For a while, this realization broke my heart and dimmed my spirit. But in time it became a source of comfort. I was able to hide inside my huge, shapeless tops. I felt as if by so completely covering myself I became inoffensive. I no longer caused people discomfort by forcing them to see me.

Putting on my shaper to help firm my dunlapped a bit, zipping on my jeans and slipping into a figure enhancing blouse shouldn't be a big deal. I mean, millions of women do it every day. But for me it was. A huge deal. It was scary. I endlessly debated with myself whether or not I could go out of the house that way. I kept checking the mirror, doubt causing me to reconsider over and over. Should I? Should I change? Should I dare the outside world in a blouse that emphasizes my just beginning to emerge figure or should I take off my shaper and put my jeans back on and dive, once again back into the comforting invisibility of my big, blue top.

I was so terrified that I actually asked William over and over if I looked okay. If I wasn't hideous. If I didn't look disgusting. He assured me that I looked very nice. He was surprisingly patient with my hysterics. With my freaking out. It took some time but I finally began to calm down. And I finally decided to stay as I was and brave the world.

And I was okay. I was very self conscious for a while but as time went by, as people treated me normally, as mothers didn't grab their children and hide them behind their backs, as dogs didn't howl at my approach, as the sun didn't darken in the midday sky, I realized that it was really all okay. As the day went on I got more comfortable. I actually began to enjoy looking a little bit nicer than I have in so very long. And I was actually a little reluctant to change out of that outfit when I got home that day.

I'll be able to do this again. Hell, maybe I will finally have the guts to wear that cute pink top I have had lurking around here for so long. It fits me just fine. I just have to work up the nerve to rock it. Maybe I am a little closer.

It is so strange how much power a simple item of clothing can have over a person. How cloth and thread and buttons can cause so much doubt and fear. Then later, a glimmer of happiness. How it can take you from invisible, shrinking, retiring and silent to emerging. Present. Ready to let the world see you and deal with you.

Take a good look, world. I am no longer content to remain invisible. You will deal with me. You will see me. You don't like what you see? Too. Fucking. Bad. I am human. I am visible. Get over it.

I did.

9 comments:

  1. Congratulations! There is nothing quite like doing something that scares the living daylights out of you, and succeeding! Any chance of a photo of you in said red top? (I love red!). Funny you should mention those Herve Ledger bandage dresses. If I ever win the lotto (and obviously, post surgery by a long way), I would love to have one of those dresses. I think they are so sexy and flattering and I would feel so spectacularly glamorous in one. Better keep buying those tickets then ;)

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  2. Good for you Erika! The next time it will be easier. What color did you do your nails? (I clicked over to this blog from IQNP, & I'm not sure which day you actually wore what color polish.)
    Keep up the good work :)
    April

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  3. "I am just a huge, shapeless blob. Nothing more than a blot on the landscape. I am not human. I don't feel. I am not worthy of notice. For a while, this realization broke my heart and dimmed my spirit. But in time it became a source of comfort. I was able to hide inside my huge, shapeless tops. I felt as if by so completely covering myself I became inoffensive. I no longer caused people discomfort by forcing them to see me."

    This is exactly how I feel about myself, my personality, my looks, my abilities. It makes it very difficult for me to be around people most of the time. My heart breaks for you for suffering these feelings. Sometimes my heart breaks for me feeling this exact same way.

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  4. Way to go! I can relate, I still kind of feel uncomfortable in fitting clothes, it seems so unnatural but I am getting use to it.

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  5. Oh this post broke my heart. It's so similar to what my friend and I have talked about 100 times. We feel we are invisible. Noone notices us. Perhaps some days we like that, but for me, I know that most days I want to cry out, "Dont' you see??"

    I'm so very proud of you for taking these first steps to release the security of the larger shapeless sizes. *virtual high five*

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  6. I have felt the same way! Have you tried out any of the clothes I sent you?

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  7. Wow - powerful post. Damn though - years into my journey and I still feel like you did today. Too tight, too fitted - scares the hell out of me - because then I'll be noticed and that is HARD....but it's a good hard right?

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  8. Great post! My daughters tried for a long time to get me to wear something other than the elastic waist jeans and big old top. They are my cheerleaders when it comes to me wearing clothes that actually fit. :)

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  9. You said it all so well! I know that moment of feeling sad about my invisibility changing into comfort. That's the really dangerous time.
    Isn't it amazing how some women are confident to wear whatever and "rock it" no matter their size?
    I'm more like you.
    And I'm having to find my own courage for this summer. This isn't where I wanted to be, weight wise, for another summer. But here I am and I'm not going to miss out on the sunshine again.

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