Thursday, December 9, 2010

Floating Away

I am having trouble forming thoughts to post, so please bear with me. This is going to be a bumpy ride. Today is a good day. I am on track and drinking. A lot. Not just Crystal Light. Water. I don't dislike waster. It doesn't make me gag. I don't dread it. I need to drink more of it, plain. And today I am. And I am spending all of my time running to the bathroom.

I have been giving my reluctance to stay on track a lot of thought. I think that I am reacting to fear. I am filled with fear. I am also asking myself if this is all going to be worth it, in the end. I am feeling impatient, mad that I don't look much different. And I am pissed at myself for allowing my fear and worries to pull me off my chosen path. I am afraid of failure. And I am scared shitless that I will succeed. I fret that I have lost so much weight and still look the same, that I am still so. Fucking. Obese. And I feel overwhelmed and I allow the sheer magnitude of  all of this to wash over me and I run to the pantry to shut my brain up.

Then I start the whole remorse, punishment, want to binge to make it all go away cycle. Happily, I don't have enough food around to binge on. But that doesn't meant I can't go off the rails a good bit. I decide enough is enough and I decide to do better. Then I do well for a day or two and fall all over myself, again. I fear that I am spiraling out of control, again. I am afraid that I will not be able to get back to my rhythm and I will go back to where I was. And I fear that, most of all. And the fear drives me to try to quiet it in the wrong ways. *sigh* And so it goes.

I am so sick of this bullshit. I am so over the cycle and the fear and the doubts. I want off this merry-go-round, now.


Today is better. I am drinking and calming down a little. And I am hopeful. I am not giving up. I refuse to allow it to happen.

Okay. Enough of this whining. Shutting up, now.


  1. I know that fear. It can feel completely overwhelming to be more afraid of success than of failure. Success means you have to actually live a better life. All of the excuses are laid to rest and it is all on you.

    My suggestion? Take it one day at a time. Focus on getting your water in. Focus on staying on track with the food and the calories. Have fun! Live your life. Do the holidays. Read a good book. See a great movie. Go ice skating and fall on your ass a few times. As time goes by you will be amazed at your success vs. being freaked all the way out by it. Trust me, I know how that feels.

    And most of all remember to breathe. It is going to be okay.

  2. I agree with kimberly. don't think about yesterday or where you will be at tomorrow or a week, month or year from now. you really don't know. I didn't. So I didn't look ahead and as far as my weight was concerned I refuse to look back. I can't do a damn thing about it now. All I have is today, same as you. You can do this. keep on keeping on.

  3. I've had the same cycle of fear of failure/fear of success IN ANOTHER area of life (not weight loss so much) and it paralyzed me and I never made that goal. I refuse to let that happen here, cause it's life and death (unlike the other creative one, which is a huge regret.) I can only really focus on one huge makeover at a time, so it's the weight. Then it will be the creative goal I was reaching, getting close, then freaked when it looked like I might reach it.

    It's a neurotic thing and I need to get that healed. I think succeeding with an end to obesity will give me the ocnfidence to proceed to the next goal.

    As far as "look the same" thing: When we get really big, as you did, as I did, it takes a lot of pounds for change to be clearly evident. It's frustrating to lose 10 or 20 or even 30 pounds, which takes WORK, and not see a big change. But that's how it is. I didn't see real change (and have people notice and comment a lot on it) until I lost 50-55 pounds. That changed enough for other to notice, and I definitely did. Maybe with you, it will take 100 pounds for it to be clearly noticeable enough to make you happier.

    However, your body will never be perfect, and neither will mine. Not even close. We damaged it getting obese. Even at goal weight--I will have horrible droopy, saggy, elephant skin. I ahve some now already, and I only lost 59 lbs. Imagine at 100+. 120+ and so on....unless I get surgery to remove it, it will be freakish.

    For years, that was an impediment. I thought: I'd rather be fat than having hanging, droopy empty skin.

    I had to force myself to STOP thinking like that, and then I was able to break through a 2 year plateau. Mentally, I was afraid to lose just cause of the skin issue and then I had depression, didn't help.

    Anyway, you have to tell yourself clearly that no matter whether the change is clearly obvious, there is change. Measure everything you can. Do a graph to show progress. Take photos of your full body, front and side every 20 lbs. You will eventually see the trail of change. It will become apparent.

    Best wishes.

  4. Princess is right. I had to lose almost 40 lbs before one person even "kind of" noticed. Now, 72 lbs later, and it is obvious. Give yourself TIME. Be kind to yourself. Stick with your plan, make one good decision after another ... the goal is to be consistent, not perfect. Those good decisions add up over time. You can do this! And the more you lose, the easier it will become, to stay motivated.

    Please don't be too discouraged! I think every one of us has bene there. You're not alone!

  5. I know how you feel. I have had days like this lately. I told myself that I have lost 50 pounds and will get the rest off in time. Hugs!

  6. Hugs, Erika. We all have times like this. Try to focus on staying the plan one day at a time and don't look to often at the big picture. The progress will come easier if you aren't obsessing over it. Kind of like watching a pot to see when it will start to boil. Look away for a bit. Distract yourself from seeing immediate results of your hard hard. Strive to stay on track one day at a time and don't look at photos again for at least a month. Focus on the plan and not the goal. The goal will seem insurmountable if all your attention is there. Break it up into smaller goals if you need to so that you see results to feel good about sooner. Hang in there. It CAN be done.


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