I am having trouble forming thoughts to post, so please bear with me. This is going to be a bumpy ride. Today is a good day. I am on track and drinking. A lot. Not just Crystal Light. Water. I don't dislike waster. It doesn't make me gag. I don't dread it. I need to drink more of it, plain. And today I am. And I am spending all of my time running to the bathroom.
I have been giving my reluctance to stay on track a lot of thought. I think that I am reacting to fear. I am filled with fear. I am also asking myself if this is all going to be worth it, in the end. I am feeling impatient, mad that I don't look much different. And I am pissed at myself for allowing my fear and worries to pull me off my chosen path. I am afraid of failure. And I am scared shitless that I will succeed. I fret that I have lost so much weight and still look the same, that I am still so. Fucking. Obese. And I feel overwhelmed and I allow the sheer magnitude of all of this to wash over me and I run to the pantry to shut my brain up.
Then I start the whole remorse, punishment, want to binge to make it all go away cycle. Happily, I don't have enough food around to binge on. But that doesn't meant I can't go off the rails a good bit. I decide enough is enough and I decide to do better. Then I do well for a day or two and fall all over myself, again. I fear that I am spiraling out of control, again. I am afraid that I will not be able to get back to my rhythm and I will go back to where I was. And I fear that, most of all. And the fear drives me to try to quiet it in the wrong ways. *sigh* And so it goes.
I am so sick of this bullshit. I am so over the cycle and the fear and the doubts. I want off this merry-go-round, now.
Today is better. I am drinking and calming down a little. And I am hopeful. I am not giving up. I refuse to allow it to happen.
Okay. Enough of this whining. Shutting up, now.