I'm sorry I wasn't very present, yesterday. I had to hide. It was one of those down, shitty, weepy, stupid days I get. And when they hit me all I can do is draw my blinds and pull into my shell and hide from the world. I ate too much, yesterday. Not seriously. Happily, I only had healthy food in the house so I didn't do any damage but the fact that I was allowing myself to comfort eat... Well I took a bit of a step back, yesterday. Time to pull up and out of that right quick. Funny thing, I was hyper aware of what I was doing, while I did it. And a big part of me didn't even want to. Knew it was wrong for me, that I was allowing a bad pattern to, if only temporarily, reassert it's self.
In this case, the calories weren't my issue. The behaviour was. And I derived less comfort and less good feeling from it than I used to. In fact I think it is safe to say that I derived none. I was just on auto pilot. And it felt all kinds of weird and wrong. So... I think I learned something. And I think that slowly, steadily, a lot of my old reasons for my old eating habits and patterns are leaving my life.
Progress.
Weird way to see it, I suppose. But it is a good thing that I do.
I think... :D
I am feeling a bit more "back", today. I still feel a bit dark and twisty but okay to function. My blinds are open and my outlook a little brighter. And my eating back on track, thankyouverymuch. :D
Thank you all for your comments, yesterday. Honestly, I don't know what the hell I would do if not for all of you. You help to keep me centred, grounded, remind me of my purpose here and give me strength. And I am more grateful than I could ever properly express. <3<3<3
That is about all I have to yap about, at the mo. Oh! If you haven't entered my giveaway, today is the last day. I have linkage in my previous post.
Okay, off to read and catch up with all of you lovely people. Later, gators. :D
Saturday, August 14, 2010
8 comments:
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Oh my sweetie - I know how those days feel and I guess you're right...we have to go through days like that to get to the better ones. I'm glad you found progress through all of it. Loves you! I put up a new challenge on my blog - you have to enter - since you walk almost every day!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're feeling better today. Probably even better tomorrow if you can force yourself to get up and move a little today :-)
ReplyDeleteLots of successes in this post. 1. That you've set yourself up at home not to fail. 2. You're conscious of the behavior and that there's no satisfaction in it. 3. You're talking about what needs to be done differently next time. Bad days happen. Sounds like you've made the best of it! Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI love that you recognized what it was while it was happening, that it didn't feel as good as it once did, and that you admitted to us that it happened.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know you a few months ago, but what an inspiration you have been to me since then.
Thank you.
Jo
I sooooo know what you mean about those "inside" days. Now there's a great reason for only having healthy food in the house, right? Like I'd go out and get it when I was feeling crappy (nope). The greatest thing I have learned from my many years of depression, etc., is that "This too shall pass." I'm like that Katy Perry song, "I'm hot and I'm cold, I'm yes and I'm no..." Yep, that's me.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are feeling better. Phew, it passed. Hey and congrats on your fab. weight loss so far (pat on the back to you).
I think we all have those days where we retreat into our groundhog holes, as it were.
ReplyDeleteThe amazing thing is that you now have the ability to turn a negative into a positive learning experience.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. You are awesome, woman.
Hey, feel better..I once did a three day soap opera binge cause I couldn't face another day in my life. At least it wasn't a food binge. lol.
ReplyDeleteThose days are few and far between now. May it be so for you.
Once I quit smoking for two years, then started again after I was sexually assaulted (though not raped, so I try not to make too much of it). I never enjoyed smoking again. Once you've realized that life is better without your addiction, and that it really doesn't solve anything--in fact, makes it worse--you don't turn back.
ReplyDeleteThe point is that you'll probably never find the comfort in food, and the things you thought it gave you, again. You are aware now, and that awareness won't allow it.
Maybe this will help. I decided that I'd rather be a non-smoker who occasionally craved a cigarette, than a smoker who always was desperate to quit. Maybe you'd rather be healthy and occasionally eat a greasy cheeseburger, than be unhealthy and suffering to be well.