Memories

I was putting a few dishes in my dishwasher and cleaning my counters, after lunch today when I remembered something that hurt me so deeply I couldn't believe it happened.

I was the subject of an "office pool". (I didn't work in an office, I worked in a casino.) The pool? Guess how much Erika weighs. The closest wins. The pool was pretty big. Over three hundred bucks, from what I understand. After all of the bets were in and the money collected, one person was selected to find out my weight. He actually walked right up to me and asked. Demanded, actually, to know. When I asked him why he wanted to know, He told me. The truth. As if it were no big deal. As if I should be happy to participate and humiliate myself so that someone could pocket a few hundred bucks.

Who the fuck ever thought that something like that was even the slightest bit okay? What sick sonofabitch was sitting on his ass, one day, dreaming up ways to utterly shatter another human being for sport, for fun and for profit.And why did he pass this along to others?

After I was asked how much I weighed and declined to supply the answer, I sat there, shaking all over, my hands pressed to my face, biting my lips so hard that they almost bled in an effort not to burst into tears. I was unsuccessful. And had to finish my shift with somewhat wrecked makeup and a heart and soul that was wounded just a bit more.

I doubt that the people who did that to me (and from what I heard later, many people on my shift, from the shift boss down were in on it) have any clue the injury done to me, that night. The pain they caused, the self loathing that became even worse. I doubt, if they did know that they would have cared.

All these years later, I remember it.

I wonder if they do?

As I muck the stall of my life, cleaning out the shit that has held me back, overwhelmed and distracted me, I stick my pitchfork in that memory. I pick it up and toss it where it belongs. On the shit pile. That memory no longer has any power over me. It can no longer mingle with others and cause me pain. It is no longer allowed to hold me hostage, keep me from moving forward and it will no longer keep me a prisoner in my past.

I win. I don't get the money. But I win.