Tuesday, August 24, 2010


I was putting a few dishes in my dishwasher and cleaning my counters, after lunch today when I remembered something that hurt me so deeply I couldn't believe it happened.

I was the subject of an "office pool". (I didn't work in an office, I worked in a casino.) The pool? Guess how much Erika weighs. The closest wins. The pool was pretty big. Over three hundred bucks, from what I understand. After all of the bets were in and the money collected, one person was selected to find out my weight. He actually walked right up to me and asked. Demanded, actually, to know. When I asked him why he wanted to know, He told me. The truth. As if it were no big deal. As if I should be happy to participate and humiliate myself so that someone could pocket a few hundred bucks.

Who the fuck ever thought that something like that was even the slightest bit okay? What sick sonofabitch was sitting on his ass, one day, dreaming up ways to utterly shatter another human being for sport, for fun and for profit.And why did he pass this along to others?

After I was asked how much I weighed and declined to supply the answer, I sat there, shaking all over, my hands pressed to my face, biting my lips so hard that they almost bled in an effort not to burst into tears. I was unsuccessful. And had to finish my shift with somewhat wrecked makeup and a heart and soul that was wounded just a bit more.

I doubt that the people who did that to me (and from what I heard later, many people on my shift, from the shift boss down were in on it) have any clue the injury done to me, that night. The pain they caused, the self loathing that became even worse. I doubt, if they did know that they would have cared.

All these years later, I remember it.

I wonder if they do?

As I muck the stall of my life, cleaning out the shit that has held me back, overwhelmed and distracted me, I stick my pitchfork in that memory. I pick it up and toss it where it belongs. On the shit pile. That memory no longer has any power over me. It can no longer mingle with others and cause me pain. It is no longer allowed to hold me hostage, keep me from moving forward and it will no longer keep me a prisoner in my past.

I win. I don't get the money. But I win.


  1. What a painful memory-- I'm glad you saw it through and now have put it on the shit pile.
    Good luck with your efforts, I'll be watching!

  2. People are assholes. I love your analogy though of mucking the stall. Good for you. You are a strong and powerful woman - don't let their shit control you!


  3. And this is why I am a loner today. Same types of things were done to me but because of my looks. As much as I try to move past it, the memories still hurt, they never seem to leave me. Thought I'd gotten past them until I saw that somebody had answered a Facebook question as to whether my profile photo was 'cute' (answer was 'no') and whether I was 'hot' (again, 'no'). I shouldn't care anymore, it shouldn't hurt anymore. But apparently it still does. Big huge kudos to you for tossing this horrific event on the shit pile, Erika. You can bet had I been there this wouldn't have gone down. Assholes indeed. That puts it mildly.

  4. I just love this last paragraph- just LOVE it- go you!!


  5. I wish I could give you a (hug). I don't like mean people.

  6. Wow, what a mean-spirited and classless thing to do to someone. I'm glad you've moved past it, but ... wow.

  7. :( All I can say - I wouldn't have been able to finish my shift! That's just plain horrible!

  8. Good for you for finally reaching a place where that experience no longer has a hold on you! Breaking through junk like that will be so instrumental in your success in losing weight, getting healthy, and loving yourself. You go!!

  9. Congrats on cleaning out the manure. I hate those kinds of memories. The last paragraph is wonderful and powerful! ((hugs))

  10. That is awful. I don't know what those people saw in you, but in your photo I see a nice looking woman who looks like someone I would like to meet.

  11. Aren't people cruel? The thing is, kids are the same way. In my autism blog, I posted about how a kid was mean to my son and refused to play with him because he is FAT, I went off on that kid and let his mom know how inappropriate his behavior was.

  12. What simple minded assholes! Glad you are able to throw it to the shit pile! You are such a wonderful person IMHO.

  13. What a great analogy. Most of us probably need to start a shitpile.

  14. How extremely cruel of them. You're right though, you are the winner!

  15. I have Chris to thank for the shit pile. Her chicken coop inspired me. :D

    Than you all for your love and support.

  16. You've inspired me to start my own Shitpile. Talk about it, dispose of it, and carry on. Never to let it hurt us again. Applause applause to you, Erika.

    Eff those low-life SOBs. That's just horrible.

  17. I am sorry. At least you were dignified and didn't tell them your weight.
    When I was new to permanant party, the guys had a pool to see which one would get me into bed first..apparently they did it with all the new girls.
    Well, I didn't fall for any of them...but i did meet my husband there.
    as lainie said some people are @ssholes.
    They still are, and you are here getting healthy.

  18. I've never been attacked for my weight by anyone I even remotely respected the opinion of...but that story incenses me. People do and say awful things and then they just walk away not getting that they did just that. They don't realize that when they turn around complaining about this jerk or that bitch that THEY are exactly the same. I'm so happy (and inspired) that you are letting it go. Those people are not deserving of you and I'm so grateful that you show us all the time that those people didn't get the best of you.


Talk to me! :D I love comments, enjoy discussion and debate. I wear my big girl panties and welcome constructive criticism. I do not accept anonymous comments. Not because I can't take the heat. I can. It is because I believe that if you are going to say it, you need to have the balls to put a name to it.

Please do not spam my comments. If you would like for me to check out your blog, if you follow me/have me on your blogroll and would like me to follow you/add you to my blogroll, please shoot me an e-mail with your blog URL. I will come visit :). Same goes if you are a company or PR. Please shoot me an e-mail. You can find my address in the contact tab at the top of my blog page. Thank you. :D