Sunday, June 27, 2010


Eating in target calorie range? ~~ Check.

Exercise? Walking two miles a day? ~~ Check.

Hydration? ~~ Checkity check.

Constructive self talk? ~~ Uh... Check?

It is still hard for me to speak gently to myself. I have formed a pattern of self hate and extremely harsh and hateful inner dialog and it is a pattern I am trying to break. But it is fighting me hard. I am catching some of it, tho. And trying to turn it around.

For instance, I will have a tough time climbing a hill on my walk and start berating myself, telling myself that I am stupid, worthless, too fat to live, that I can never accomplish my fitness goals because I am a pig who ruined my own life and on and on it goes. I have to actually tell myself to STFU and change the recording. Remind myself that while I did harm myself, I am not bad, I am not worthless, stupid or unworthy. That I am deserving of change and better health and that I can do this!

Change is slow. But I am encouraged by the fact that I am recognizing what needs to be changed and am working on it.

We are going to take Sabryna out to the lake in a while. She can take a short walk and go down to the water and dip her paws and bark at the ducks. I think that she will really enjoy it. Then later, we will go back out there for our two miles.

Oh! Speaking of two miles... I was able to shave almost ten minutes off my time last night. I had an overall faster pace, slowed down less and took fewer little breaks to catch my breath or drink water. One of these days, I will be ready to sail right on past our current stop point and go on to the next half mile post and then back, adding an additional mile to my walk. I am not quite ready, yet but the day will come that I am and on that day, I will just keep going, rather than turning up the little hill to the Jeep.

I am burping egg. Bleck. I had a hard boiled egg with breakfast and now it is making it's presence known. I don't get egg burps with Egg Beaters. I might just stick to them. lol

Chris, I think that you are right about having "fat eyes". My husband mentions now and then that I have lost weight. But to be honest, I am just not seeing it. I know that I weigh less. My scale tells me so. My clothes are looser and I am even wearing a smaller size in some garments but when I look in the mirror, I still see 400 pounds. I agree that it is going to take my gourd time to catch up with my reflection. Does it freak you out, at first?


  1. It can be so hard to chance that pattern of self hate, good luck And CONGRATS for shaving off 10 mins. Thats awesome

  2. I have an extremely corny mantra that I repeat to myself when I THE VOICE is being mean and nasty like that to me. "I am lovable and capable" I remind myself over and over. It makes for a good walking rythm.

    The constructive self talk is probably the hardest, and most important part! Keep fighting the good fight!

  3. Isn't it amazing how we find it perfectly okay to be nasty and unsupportive and downright unkind to ourselves but we'd never do that to anyone else? I think we need to pretend we are friends of ourselves...cuz I'd never treat a friend like I treat myself some days. You are worth every day and every minute of this journey and the fact remains - slow or fast, easy or hard - YOU ARE DOING IT. One second, one minute, one day at a time. Negative self talk is just that - talk - and it's not real and it can just as easily become positive self-talk. Hearing it - and recognizing the record that plays over and over is a huge first step. I puffy heart you.

  4. Self hate drags you down. I'm glad that you're getting a handle on it.


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