Stepped on my scale.
Never mind the fear that as soon as I put any weight on it at all, the glass platform would feel wobbly and shatter under my immense bulk. It didn't. It felt rock solid and didn't even crack.
One fear calmed.
Then the fear of the actual number, it's self.
Yeah, that one was a biggie. 388.6. Shit! I just put my actual weight into writing. I want to throw up. I want to cry. I want to hit delete and run away. I want to go into my kitchen and eat everything in sight, collapse in a heap of misery and then do it all again.
A part of me briefly flashed on the thought that I would rather die than post this horrible truth.
Well, I am typing it and I am still alive. So, I suppose it isn't fatal, after all.
Now I am curious where I was when I started, this time around. Close to 400. I have lost a noticeable amount of fat, so... Yeah. If I have any comfort, it is the knowledge that I am still down from my all time high weight of about 428 pounds in June of 2008. I say about because at the time all I had was a 400 pound capacity dial scale that went round past 400 to give me the weight. I am not sure just how accurate it was at that point, but at that point, who's to quibble.
It was tragically bad.
I am so angry with myself that I managed to pile about fifty pounds back on in just about a year. It pisses me off that I have to re lose already lost weight. How frakkin stupid is that? What a waste and a shame.
So, there you have it. The real me. You may run away, if you wish and I wouldn't hold it against you. I know how disgusted so many are by those of us who are that obese and don't want anything to do with us. It hurts, but I get it. And I won't hold it against anyone. No hard feelings, I promise.
I am shaking and I just want to cry. I feel so ashamed and humiliated. But I also feel an incredible sense of relief. This was so hard for me to do. And I did it. Another big step in my program to accept, acknowledge and change. No more hiding. No more denial. No more lies to myself or to my gentle readers. The truth shall help to set me free.
But, dayum! It sure isn't easy. :/
No... I am not going to go into my kitchen and eat myself into a coma. I am going to sit here and read all of the weight loss blogs on my blog roll and the ones waiting in my favourites list to be added to my blog roll. I am not going to turn to food. I am going to turn to all of you, your words, your experiences for comfort and support.
Thank you for being here, in the interwebz when I need you all the most.