Stepped on my scale.
Never mind the fear that as soon as I put any weight on it at all, the glass platform would feel wobbly and shatter under my immense bulk. It didn't. It felt rock solid and didn't even crack.
One fear calmed.
Then the fear of the actual number, it's self.
Yeah, that one was a biggie. 388.6. Shit! I just put my actual weight into writing. I want to throw up. I want to cry. I want to hit delete and run away. I want to go into my kitchen and eat everything in sight, collapse in a heap of misery and then do it all again.
A part of me briefly flashed on the thought that I would rather die than post this horrible truth.
Well, I am typing it and I am still alive. So, I suppose it isn't fatal, after all.
Now I am curious where I was when I started, this time around. Close to 400. I have lost a noticeable amount of fat, so... Yeah. If I have any comfort, it is the knowledge that I am still down from my all time high weight of about 428 pounds in June of 2008. I say about because at the time all I had was a 400 pound capacity dial scale that went round past 400 to give me the weight. I am not sure just how accurate it was at that point, but at that point, who's to quibble.
It was tragically bad.
Still is.
I am so angry with myself that I managed to pile about fifty pounds back on in just about a year. It pisses me off that I have to re lose already lost weight. How frakkin stupid is that? What a waste and a shame.
So, there you have it. The real me. You may run away, if you wish and I wouldn't hold it against you. I know how disgusted so many are by those of us who are that obese and don't want anything to do with us. It hurts, but I get it. And I won't hold it against anyone. No hard feelings, I promise.
I am shaking and I just want to cry. I feel so ashamed and humiliated. But I also feel an incredible sense of relief. This was so hard for me to do. And I did it. Another big step in my program to accept, acknowledge and change. No more hiding. No more denial. No more lies to myself or to my gentle readers. The truth shall help to set me free.
But, dayum! It sure isn't easy. :/
No... I am not going to go into my kitchen and eat myself into a coma. I am going to sit here and read all of the weight loss blogs on my blog roll and the ones waiting in my favourites list to be added to my blog roll. I am not going to turn to food. I am going to turn to all of you, your words, your experiences for comfort and support.
Thank you for being here, in the interwebz when I need you all the most.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
6 comments:
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I can only imagine how hard that was for you, my friend. And people who judge whom they do and don't like based on looks, weight, or anything else freaking superficial are not the kind of person I would want for a friend anyway. Now you have me wishing I could move to you (weather) so we could plug through together. Just as an aside, do you take any medications that could be part of the reason for gaining weight? I ask because when I went off of Paxil, I lost 20 lbs. Of course, I am not even close to what I started out at (about 50 lbs over, in fact), but I had a two month break or so then went on Citalopram and Amitriptyline (which I've taken myself off of because of the hair loss I was experiencing on the stuff; only been off of it since Sunday, I guess it is so no real noticeable changes yet). Sides for all those can include weight gain (or loss, though of course, I get the worse side effects! LOL). I'd like to ask you to head over and read my blog. I am not sure why, but maybe it will add a bit of perspective? As to the weight itself, yes, you might need to take some off simply for the strain it can put on your heart. And if it makes you not happy with who you are. But? I likes you just fine as you are. Been doing any knitting lately, by the by?
ReplyDeleteI am not taking any medications. I gained my weight the old fashioned way. lol
ReplyDeleteYes, I do need to get it off. I have dodged a bullet, as far as my health is concerned but I am aware that my luck can't hold out forever.
I know that losing weight isn't going to fix my problems, make me a different person and magically turn me into a princess. This is an effort to save my life. Other concerns can come, later.
No, I haven't been knitting lately. I will, tho. I have been feeling in the mood to pick up my needles so it is time to get some yarn and start making something. :D
Erika, you are awesome. My sister and one daughter both battle with their weight and are pretty much in the same area you are. It's a lifelong battle and not easily won. It's a daily fight with yourself. I can't even lose 1 lb. anymore. I started a weight loss journal here and then ditched it after 2 days. You have incredible strength to keep at it. You'll be rewarded for your hard work. You inspire me. I feel so lazy and lame and then read your journal and say, if Erika can make that commitment to herself and work at, so can I. I need to lose 50 lbs. I am so tired all the time, no ambition, no energy and I just can't move my ass.
ReplyDeleteGo you. You're doing way better than me. In fact you're kicking my ass.
Tessa?? Tessa??? Is that you, my sister? We are much the same, I tell you!
ReplyDeleteAt least gaining the old fashioned way was kinda fun though? I am not making fun but making light, my sweet. Once we pass a certain age, it comes on easier, goes off harder. You know what rapid fire took weight off of me? Running (jogging, really). I could eat whatever I wanted and couldn't keep the weight on. Alas, my knees are shot and IL weather isn't the best for jogging...except early spring and mid to late autumn. Course...having been forced to keep at it for work purposes (we had to run 1 1/2 miles in a certain time every quarter) was ample motivation. I don't have that now.
Like Tessa said, I am proud of you. I know you can do it!! Keep up the good work. Every time you feel or notice a good/positive change, it is motivation for keeping going, yes?
Tessa, m'dear, I appreciate your words of encouragement more than I can say. Weigh is a very personal thing and I don't believe that there is only one good answer. We all need to do/not do what works for each of us, in our own time.
ReplyDeleteI think it behooves us to be kind to ourselves in the process.
Sherry, running isn't an option for me, at present. (For obvious reasons... lolol). But i do walk as much as I can. And actually getting out and doing some road work wouldn't hurt. It is just weird for me... I don't like being stared at as I puff along. lol
Thank you so much for your support, Sherry. *hug*
Interesting blog..I've started to follow you.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and do whatever you can today.