Just so you know, if you are offended by the F-Bomb, I drop it, in this entry. ;)
Strange, it is. How one day I can want to be eating my house down and the next, just completely uninterested in food. I am just putting it down to keep nourished. I feel less hungry when I m less focused on my obsessions. And I am obsessing less when I don't feel hungry. Correlation? Maybe. Or maybe I am just certifiable and the men in white coats are on their way.
It is nice when every waking moment isn't a battle with my head, my urges and obsessions. There is a peace that descends over me. A knowing that everything is okay, that I am okay and that I am... For however long it lasts, normal. It is lovely and singularly strange to me. And I am amazed a bit freaked out that so many people live this way every day of their lives.
And I am filled with envy. And anger. And questions. Questions like, Why not me, too? Why was I born/conditioned to be this way? Why am I one of those who struggle and fight and obsess and do terrible things to myself? Why can't I have that disinterest in overeating, that lack of connection between food and comfort. Why do I turn food into a drug? Why do I abuse myself with it? Hell, why do I abuse others with it?
Huh? Abuse others with food? Oh, yeah. That, "If I can't eat it, no one else will, either" So, I cram it down so that they can't enjoy it and I have just "got rid of it." Or, "I'm angry and hurt by something you said/did or some slight, real or imagined so I am going to punish you by eating everything I can, so that you can't have any." I ask you, just how fucked up is that thinking? Pretty much, if you ask me.
Weirdness. And really wracked up thinking. Just a few of the head games I play, not only with myself.
Calories yesterday were decent. 1725. A little higher than I like, but at my weight, still well within the loss zone. I had a Subway sandwich for lunch and that always drives my calories up a little. (Avocado... Yum!) Every one of my calories were good, quality food, not junk. So, I fueled my body. I didn't feed my needs or do anything harmful. So, it is good. I do need to start schooling my mind and bod to accept lower levels, soon. As my weight drops, my calorie needs will, as well.
One step at a time. I am not going to press too much, all at once. That is a good way to overwhelm myself and drive me right into reactive thinking and eating. Not good.
Friday, March 26, 2010
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You are doing great, and one step at a time is the way to go.. And you are right as your weight drops so will your need for lots of calories..
ReplyDeleteGosh, I can relate to the head things. Maybe not quite the same way or same obsessions, but somewhat. For me? It is way over self-analyzation and a mind that never quits but jumps from one worry or thought to the next. One leads to the next. Of late I am having a hard time staying asleep because the thoughts and things that I need or want to do need doing. Then? I get up and I don't accomplish anything I planned on accomplishing. I cannot tell you how frustrated I get with myself. Why I let self-doubts freeze me in my tracks. I have school courses to work through (and I anally take and write or type notes so I spend many hours with not a whole lot to show for it), art to work at because I love it but I suck at it, knitting I'd like to pick up...a weaving course on a rigid heddle loom I have here...Books to read...house stuff that needs to get done and that I leave to Michael...and he sucks at it...So much to do, so little time. And sometimes I am overwhelmed by the thought that I just might not have a lot of time left (now that is a quite eerie thought in and of itself).
ReplyDeleteSo? My point is that I don't have the answers, darlin'. I do, however, find myself wondering if you couldn't substitute another thing in place of food. You write beautifully. Maybe picking up a pencil instead? Writing a private just for you journal at home? Do you draw or anything? There is always that knitting. What about nature? Do you love it as I do (I still remember your beautiful location in the trees that I so loved.)? I am interested in trees, wildflowers, waterways, mountains. Pick up your camera, do a photojournal...
Just a myriad of ways that you might be able to substitute an unhealthy 'obsession' for one that is edifying. (Poor word choice considering, but it was the right word to use.) There are better ways to deal with those that piss you off too. I find ignoring them and hibernating in my room is quite effective. LOLOL
Sending you hugs as you work through things, Erika. It is a tough row to hoe, I know.