Just so you know, if you are offended by the F-Bomb, I drop it, in this entry. ;)
Strange, it is. How one day I can want to be eating my house down and the next, just completely uninterested in food. I am just putting it down to keep nourished. I feel less hungry when I m less focused on my obsessions. And I am obsessing less when I don't feel hungry. Correlation? Maybe. Or maybe I am just certifiable and the men in white coats are on their way.
It is nice when every waking moment isn't a battle with my head, my urges and obsessions. There is a peace that descends over me. A knowing that everything is okay, that I am okay and that I am... For however long it lasts, normal. It is lovely and singularly strange to me. And I am amazed a bit freaked out that so many people live this way every day of their lives.
And I am filled with envy. And anger. And questions. Questions like, Why not me, too? Why was I born/conditioned to be this way? Why am I one of those who struggle and fight and obsess and do terrible things to myself? Why can't I have that disinterest in overeating, that lack of connection between food and comfort. Why do I turn food into a drug? Why do I abuse myself with it? Hell, why do I abuse others with it?
Huh? Abuse others with food? Oh, yeah. That, "If I can't eat it, no one else will, either" So, I cram it down so that they can't enjoy it and I have just "got rid of it." Or, "I'm angry and hurt by something you said/did or some slight, real or imagined so I am going to punish you by eating everything I can, so that you can't have any." I ask you, just how fucked up is that thinking? Pretty much, if you ask me.
Weirdness. And really wracked up thinking. Just a few of the head games I play, not only with myself.
Calories yesterday were decent. 1725. A little higher than I like, but at my weight, still well within the loss zone. I had a Subway sandwich for lunch and that always drives my calories up a little. (Avocado... Yum!) Every one of my calories were good, quality food, not junk. So, I fueled my body. I didn't feed my needs or do anything harmful. So, it is good. I do need to start schooling my mind and bod to accept lower levels, soon. As my weight drops, my calorie needs will, as well.
One step at a time. I am not going to press too much, all at once. That is a good way to overwhelm myself and drive me right into reactive thinking and eating. Not good.