Friday, April 2, 2010


With myself.

Yesterday was a good day... A little high on calories but nothing out of the realm of normal. I indulge in a big Subway sandwich once a week. and I have all of my special faves including lite mayo and avocado. I know that it is a little high in calories but it is also low in fat and packed with good protein, tons of veggies and healthy fats. And it is a lot better than a sack full of Taco Bell, Long John's or a huge, greasy cheeseburger and fries and a big old chocolate shake. So yeah... Did okay and felt good.

Today (April 2) was full of fail. I won't go into all of the gory details. Suffice it to say, I am sick, hurting, mad as hell at myself and pissed that I let my demons get the better of me and I tried to eat myself out of their path.

I get so. Frustrated with myself, sometimes. I mean, I do well for a while then all of a sudden, it all comes crashing in on me. My fears, my anger, my obsessive thoughts and patterns overwhelm me and I try to shut them down and only end up in a big old mess, swimming in heartburn and burping up what I would really rather not talk about.


It started early, this morning. Haunting. Sneaking. Slithering into my brain. Little by little it grew stronger. And by this afternoon I was in full on feeding frenzy mode. Luckily, there wasn't a heck of a lot around but I still managed to do some fairly substantial damage. And I ate two grilled hamburger patties and a pile of baked shoestrings that would choke a football player for dinner.

I want to throw up.

I want to hide in a dark room and never come out.

If I don't go take a couple of Pepto tablets, I am going to projectile vomit all over my laptop.


It's funny, while I was being a complete self indulgent moron today, I half didn't want to do it. I don't think that my whole heart was in it. Not like usual. And, while I was being a self indulgent moron, I was fully aware of the upcoming consequences of my actions. Another thing I don't think about when in the throes of a full on feeding frenzy. Is it possible that slowly, little by little my thought processes are beginning to change? Am I becoming a bit more self aware. Am I evolving from this creature I am now into something new?

Good Lord, I hope so.

So, I am sitting here, a burning, nasty bile taste in the back of my throat, stomach feeling as if it is packed with concrete, gallbladder area letting me know that that particular part of me isn't at all happy with me at the moment expounding on making positive mental and emotional changes.

Cripes. What a fucking laugh.

Let's see. what else is going on? Pretty much the usual. Housework got done. Nails didn't. My current mani is actually holding up pretty well. I do have a tiny chip on my right middle finger nail (must have chipped it flipping myself the bird, all day today...). I didn't bother to repair it because I am planning a polish change tomorrow. I think that I would like something Spring-y and girlie for Easter.

Speaking of Easter...

Husband came home dragging a a spiral cut ham behind him. And a huge jar of real mayo so that I could make potato salad to go with it. Potato salad. I know myself. I know myself really well. Potato salad and I can't be in the same house. Hell, potato salad and I can't be in the same freaking zip code. Seriously, I can't lay off that stuff. Not for all that is good or beautiful in this world. And mayo... Forget it. It might as well be crack and I might as well be an addict.

I was thinking these things as I was putting away the ham and a few other things Husband brought home from the store and stashing the quart of Best Foods in my pantry. I closed the door then suddenly opened it up again, took the mayo out and put it on the dining table and told him that he could return the mayo to the store; that I had decided that I would rather make a small pot of mashed potatoes, instead. He agreed, Husband has a strong affinity for mashed potatoes. Especially the way I make mashed potatoes. lol

I'll steam some lovely fresh veggies for myself and have a little dab of mashed with my proper portion of ham (heck yeah! I am having a little ham! :D) and the boyz can kill the rest of them. That way, I can enjoy my holiday dinner and still respect myself in the morning. :D

I think that my Pepto tablets are beginning to kick in. I am beginning to feel a little less like crap on a stick.

You want to know that hardest part of trying to make positive changes in eating habits this time of year? No Cadbury eggs. No creme eggs. No mini caramel eggs. No truffle eggs. I admit it. I am pissed that I can't have my Cadbury eggs. They are a yearly ritual for me that go back to my teens. (Yes, we had Cadbury eggs back then... lol) And I am craving them and missing them something fierce, right now.

I'll live.

I will.



I feel like knitting something. What, I don't know. Isn't it strange that as the temperature starts to rise, I feel like hauling out wool and needles and forming heavy, warm fabric with them? lol

I am pin dot haloing and my forehead and neck are really tightening up, tonight. I am going to be in major trouble, tomorrow.

I hate headaches. I really, really hate them. And, since I started educating myself about them and started tracking my symptoms, I am more fully aware of them, how and when they are going to strike and from my haloing, I can usually tell how bad they are going to get. What I can't predict is if I am going to get the lovely stabbing.

About one headache in three I get this horrid pain in the area of my right temple. It feels as if someone is stabbing me in the side of the head with a knife. It goes from my temple in through my brain and ends behind my eyes, back, deep in my brain. (Yes, I know that technically, that is not where the pain is, however that is how it feels.) I get several in a row, get a short break then several more. I usually get three or four repeats. Then it stops. The pain from these episodes is exquisite. It brings me to a full stop. Sometimes it drops me to my knees. All I can do is grab the side of my head and wait for it to end. Thankfully, it is usually over in one to three minutes. I normally only have one episode like this, tho I have had several, several hours apart in the same day.

I think that I am going to start collecting shed hairs and put them in my hair receiver. I am feeling the urge to colour my hair. But, I have learned some very valuable lessons and nothing goes on my hair ever again without a strand test. Or several strand tests. I have done the whole scrag my hair, cut it off and grow it all out thing for the last time. lol

Okay, this entry is way too long and way too random. Time to shut it down and post it.


  1. Word of caution, my friend. You WERE doing strand tests last time (I remember how well you documented the tests) before you ended up deciding you had to cut. Proceed with caution!! LOL

    Now, methinks your husband needs to get on board and be proactively supportive with your goals of dieting, yes? Luckily, I am not a fan of mayo (it reminds me of when my grandmother would save grease (lard) in an old coffee can on her stove to reuse in looks...and tastes to that stuff in the can. Nope, I use fat-free Miracle Whip. 'Course, there is indubitably sugar in that, not that I have checked.

    I'm with you on the headaches. I am prone to migraines, though I usually try to fend them off with massive doses of aspirin, Imitrex, or both. But even small headaches (small in comparison to migraines) are so painful to me. I hate them and I dread them and enough so that I've apparently damaged my liver or kidneys (can't remember which one the doc's office said) and have given myself numerous ulcers in the stomach all caused by aspirin. I try not to take them, only when I get a headache, but I usually take at least 4, sometimes up to 6 at one time, depending on the severity of the headache. I would rather have the stomach ache. I truly fear the headaches. They are just the worst.

    I hope today is better for you, my friend. I have every faith in you. You did it before, you can do it again. Now...adding exercise to the routine will also help it move faster. Take it from a sloth who does no exercise these days but remember my glory days...sigh...

  2. It looks to me like your thinking is beginning to change. It's a matter of time, a few false starts and I think you'll make it.

  3. I agree with SchnauzerMom... your thinking is where the battle will be won or lost, and it sounds like you are starting to change. What you wrote... the whole gory process, and how we see ourself doing it, and even disgusted while we do it, and full well knowing the consequences, but we do it anyway... I lived it all for too many years.

    There is this Line... a line you seem to be approaching. The Line where instead of getting resolve AFTER the fact... we come up to this line, and gather up all the gumption we can muster, and step OVER that line.

    The Line where we act on our resolve BEFORE, instead of after. The Line where we are willing to go THROUGH the emotional pain, instead of run from it.

    The Line will will change your life. And you are so close... I see it in your post... I feel your longing for it... your hope for it... even your fear of it.

    Because to reach out and embrace the Line, we have to let go of our food... of using it as our anchor during emotional storms.

    But we CAN ride out the storm, and be okay. We can come out the other side, not with regrets but with a feeling of triumph and pride. The emotional storm is temporary, but the sense of accomplishment will be permanent.

    You are so close, you really are!! One more step... that is all it takes... step over that line and you are there!

  4. I can't wait to take that step. <3


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