Cold, Today

It was supposed to be warmer. It is cooler and partly cloudy. And windy. Brrr.


I am having a good day, food wise, right on track and water is, as well. I have to admit, my weekend wasn't what it should be. I did decent on water but I went over on calories. 1500 two days in a row. I was struggling, fighting hardcore binge urges and chewing over some crap in my head. While I don't consider those two days to be a total washout, I do feel as if I failed to stay on my chosen track. And it is my chosen track. 1200 calories a day is plenty. And I do just fine with it. I don't feel deprived or as if it isn't enough. Most of the time I am not even hungry and have to remind myself to have my meals.

But this weekend was an exception. Part of it was the puffiness getting to me and part of it was, as I said before, just needing to chew over some crap that was trying to get to me. I work it over and worked it out and I am feeling better about everything, now. Being on track is one again easy.

So, there you have it. Yep. I struggle. And some days I don't fly along, making this look easy and smooth. And that kind of pisses me off. I get really frustrated at being human, fallible. The perfectionist in me chafes against any hiccup in what I am trying to do. I want it all to be smooth, flawless and when it isn't, I have a tough time pulling myself up, straightening myself out and getting back in line. I have to really fight with myself, take myself in hand, kick my ass and make it happen.

My ass is now duly kicked and I am chastened and now I am fine. :D

I am scheduled for a hida scan in the morning. I have to fast for twelve hours beforehand. No food, no water. I am going to defy the no water thing a little bit, like I did, last time. Small sips when I am thirsty, coughing a lot or need my medication shouldn't make that much difference. And if it does... Well... Too bad. :P

I am still coughing like a nut. My chest is really tight, today and any exertion leaves me gasping for air for some time, afterward. I had to pop down the stairs to bring in a package the mail carrier dropped off and I was gasping and coughing when I got to the top of the stairs. And that kind of scares me because normally the stairs don't phase me one little bit, anymore. I guess I am still recovering from that 'flu. Blech!

I am so worried about my craptastic weigh in extending to next Sunday, too. I know, on one level that it won't but the other part of me is scared that I am somehow failing myself, not doing it well enough, doing something very wrong. That I am flawed and not good enough to succeed. Bad, stupid, negative thinking that doesn't accomplish anything but to wind me up and get me doubting myself and make me look where I shouldn't to calm my head and soothe my wrought up emotions. Man, it is so stupid, the way I have screwed myself up. And the way I was trying to make it better.

I am just telling myself that if I follow the plan, I have no choice but to succeed. That the weight has to come off. That it is coming off. I just need to calm down and trust myself and the program. Stay on track, drink my water and it is going to work.

Okay. Sorry about all that ragglebaggle. Guess I just needed to get it out, here. I really do feel better, now. lol

My head is on a bad tear. I am flashing and haloing like mad and my headaches are pounding in, one after the other after the other. No chance to rest or breathe. No relief. When this happens, I am almost tempted to beg my doc for drugs to make the headbangers stop. But drugs... I don't like them. And don't want to take anything I don't absolutely have to.

I have a Sony Viao laptop and every time I go online, I get this stupid, fucking little popup in the lower corner on my screen from Sony Viao trying to get me to buy some discounted software. And every time that fucking thing pops up, it brings anything I am doing to a dead stop. It actually makes my screen freeze so that I have to pay attention to the fucking popup! And it pisses me off. I tried to set it so that it wouldn't come back, but I wasn't successful. It is driving me crazy. I don't want the fucking software! Even at 70% off! Just leave me the fuck alone, already!!! Does anyone have any idea how to make the damned thing go away, for good? Gah!

How many times did I use the word fuck in the last paragraph? lol