Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I am Here...

Kind of.

This is not a good day.

Oh, food wise it is okay. I am running a tad high, calorie wise... I did a little comfort eating earlier but I haven't blown it out or anything. I know that food doesn't solve anything and that is all that kept me from diving into the pantry and not coming out.

I am trying to numb myself out mentally, rather than through a physical source. It is just easier to shut down and not to feel, right now.

No work with weights. I don't have the desire to. I will walk. But at the moment I am just not giving much of a damn. About anything. I can't afford to feel at the moment. It is hurting me too much.

I am trapped. I can't get out and it is ripping me to pieces from the inside out. And today I am not able to push it down and pretend it isn't there. Maybe I will be able to tomorrow. God knows I have had enough practice. You would think it would be easier by now, wouldn't you?


  1. Oh I hate to hear you in so much pain. Go back and read your blog from the beginning and see how far you've come. I believe in you...I always have....never ever give up. Let yourself have today...but tomorrow...rise again.

  2. Hey girl! Sorry I've been away for so long....just wanted to pop in and check on you. I'm not sure what your bad day is about, but I sure hope you feel better soon. I'll be praying for you my sweet friend. :)

  3. Cheer up, Ice Queen.

    You are already on the road out. You can see where the road is taking you. Just follow it.

    Chin up.

    Good thoughts to you.

  4. One theory (and a very sound theory in my experience) is that pushing your feelings away instead of dealing with them is at the root of all compulsive behavior, overeating included.

    When we are children one of the ways we are taken care of is that our caretakers feed us. When we feel abondoned, lonely, upset, overwhelmed, etc. and feel the need to take care of ourselves, food comes naturally. Because it doesn't really fix our problems, but it blocks them out during the eating act itself, we tend to do more and more and more of it. In the long run, it makes our problems worse. I have found t his to be very true of myself.

    So what's the solution? Believe it or not, it is to actually FEEL the feelings and emotions that we are trying to press down and drown out with food. I have had a major anxiety disorder my entire life and never realized it was related to my weight until I stumbled on this idea, shortly before I began my blog. One of the things I read said that we fear that our ever-powerful emotions will destroy us, but feelings have never killed anybody. We fear that we won't be able to handle them and that we'll die trying - but that just doesn't happen.

    So please, try a little bit to let yourself experience the emotions you are compelled to press down. Let them wash over you and allow yourself to cry like a baby or scream like a banshee if you need to, and then see if you don't feel a little better.

    I have faith in you. You can get through this. Keep fighting the good fight! YOU ARE WORTH IT!

  5. I understand. I try to get outside away from it all, I mowed 2 hours today. My hubby and I have been arguing a lot and I just couldn't be inside dealing with it.

  6. Goodness...I have some intuition going on here and I too am so sorry you are dealing with these thoughts and emotions. I am often in the same spot and probably for the same or similar reasons. I just send you hugs.

  7. I totally understand, this is a really hard journey and there are not always going to be perfect days (or even good days). Yesterday I ate four munchkins because I was upset over the fact that we are most likely putting our dog down today. It is a natural reaction when you have done this for so long. Hang in there


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