This has kinda been me, the last few days. I have been a bit... "Snacky" for want of a better word. Except for the day before yesterday, my calories have been brushing the 1800 range. Yikes. Seriously... Yikes! I feel a little as if I am teetering on the edge, here and I am not liking the sensation.
Yes, I totally get the choice is mine. That no one is holding a gun to my head when I decide to get a bowl of pretzels or snack out of the BBQ potato chip bag. At least I measure what I am noshing on and I log the food and calories. So... What does that make me? An honest binger? lol What the fuck?
I think I am trying to drug a little. In fact I know I am. Husband and I are at cross purposes a good deal of the time. We snipe and snap at one another. Everything he does annoys me to the point that when I see/hear him I want to either throw up or pull a weapon on him. I think that he is getting to the point where he is feeling much the same about me, too. I just don't think that he is willing to admit it, yet. Yes, I think our marriage is nearing meltdown phase and will one day go into critical mass. I honestly don't see us together five years from now. In fact, once I am able to get out in the world, again, get a decent job and have a little of myself back... I don't see it surviving much past that point. I have been done for a long time. But I have hung on for different reasons. Our son was a kid and needed both parents. I made a commitment and I had to honour it. We are embroiled in a Chapter 13, right now. I can't go anywhere or work while we are still in the plan without seriously mucking up the delicate balance that is a 13. But we only have a year and half to go on that... I can do anything I have to do as long as I have to do it. I am strong and stubborn, that way. lol
So. Anyhoodle. I am feeling a little stronger in the gourd, today. And I am renewed in my purpose to stay better on track. My snacking doesn't seem to have hurt anything. In fact, if anything I seem to be seeing more shrinkage. When I bend over, I am seeing a bit of saggy stuff forming on my stomach. And my thighs feel looser and "squishier". My body felt smaller when I showered, this morning. But I don't want to allow myself to fall back into that destructive pattern of using food for purposes for which it was never really meant to be used. Food is fuel. Not my daily happy pill. Happiness comes from within me. Not from something I take out of a bag or box, shove in my mouth, chew and swallow.
I have had two much needed days of rest and my hips feel better. I am raring to hit the trails, tonight. :D
It is hot and humid and we should be getting a thunderstorm, today. Maybe it will rain while we are on the trail. I love walking in the rain. <3