Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Um... Yeah...

This has kinda been me, the last few days. I have been a bit... "Snacky" for want of a better word. Except for the day before yesterday, my calories have been brushing the 1800 range. Yikes. Seriously... Yikes! I feel a little as if I am teetering on the edge, here and I am not liking the sensation.

Yes, I totally get the choice is mine. That no one is holding a gun to my head when I decide to get a bowl of pretzels or snack out of the BBQ potato chip bag. At least I measure what I am noshing on and I log the food and calories. So... What does that make me? An honest binger? lol What the fuck?

I think I am trying to drug a little. In fact I know I am. Husband and I are at cross purposes a good deal of the time. We snipe and snap at one another. Everything he does annoys me to the point that when I see/hear him I want to either throw up or pull a weapon on him. I think that he is getting to the point where he is feeling much the same about me, too. I just don't think that he is willing to admit it, yet. Yes, I think our marriage is nearing meltdown phase and will one day go into critical mass. I honestly don't see us together five years from now. In fact, once I am able to get out in the world, again, get a decent job and have a little of myself back... I don't see it surviving much past that point. I have been done for a long time. But I have hung on for different reasons. Our son was a kid and needed both parents. I made a commitment and I had to honour it. We are embroiled in a Chapter 13, right now. I can't go anywhere or work while we are still in the plan without seriously mucking up the delicate balance that is a 13. But we only have a year and half to go on that... I can do anything I have to do as long as I have to do it. I am strong and stubborn, that way. lol

So. Anyhoodle. I am feeling a little stronger in the gourd, today. And I am renewed in my purpose to stay better on track. My snacking doesn't seem to have hurt anything. In fact, if anything I seem to be seeing more shrinkage. When I bend over, I am seeing a bit of saggy stuff forming on my stomach. And my thighs feel looser and "squishier". My body felt smaller when I showered, this morning. But I don't want to allow myself to fall back into that destructive pattern of using food for purposes for which it was never really meant to be used. Food is fuel. Not my daily happy pill. Happiness comes from within me. Not from something I take out of a bag or box, shove in my mouth, chew and swallow.

I have had two much needed days of rest and my hips feel better. I am raring to hit the trails, tonight. :D

It is hot and humid and we should be getting a thunderstorm, today. Maybe it will rain while we are on the trail. I love walking in the rain. <3


  1. I am sad for your marriage. You have to first make yourself happy though. I hope and pray that things get better but if nothing else you do you.


  2. I am sorry to hear about you and your hubby. I have been there though. I am on my third round and we have been together 18 years so looks like it has stuck. I also love walking in the rain.

  3. I got nothing for ya cept compassion. I don't know how I get through day in and day out myself in my marriage. I wonder if when my daughter leaves home for college in 9 years if we'll have anything left at all, but I fear being alone. So, I don't think about it. Still in denial there.

    You gotta do the best that you can do for yourself every day. What else can you do?

  4. Im sorry to hear about your marriage but it sounds like your in a relatively good stage of acceptance of what it has become. I swear I relate to almost everything in this post. I may be young but Ive been in a relationship for almost 11 years now and sometimes I feel like Im stuck in an inertia, like im dragging myself through a routine and forcing myself to be happy because right now there isnt an easy way out.

    Im trying to lose weight also, particularly 40 pounds (and this is the diagnosis of my doctor...I would be happy w/ 25) and it is hard. Its only breakfast and Ill eat my whole caloric intake for the day, then I get depressed about it and lose my motivation to exercise.

    Ive been reading this womans blog,, and I find it very inspiring. This woman is already fit and stays on a strict diet but still has time to see friends and live her life. A misconception I always make is that to diet I have to lock myself in solitude b/c not everyone is one a diet like I

    Anyhoo, hang in there. I KNOW you can overcome it. Youre a strong and very beautiful woman, and I wish you the best.Looking forward to your next posts!


  5. I'm really sorry about your marriage problems. I haven't blogged about it but my husband and I are having some problems. I want things to work out though. He is going to counseling with me on Friday. I wish you the best no matter which way things go.

  6. The pic of the cat is priceless.

    Sorry you are feeling this way about your relationship. One thing to remember is that none of us are powerless to change a situation. It sounds like you are already making steps to change, gain confidence and change some more.

    Good thoughts

  7. Erika - geez, hard stuff! I'm going through serious marital strife myself right now. It's surprising how many people are i similar situations. You are a strong woman. Keep up your hard work. In a few years, you may need your personal strength to lean on more than ever. It'd be awesome if you were healthy, fit, and happy with everything about yourself when that time comes! You inspire me. I sit on my couch here in Michigan and think "HOLY BALLS IT'S HOT". I can't imagine hiking my butt out on Arizona trails. The chips aren't worth it, girl. But you are :)

  8. Oh my dear friend - my heart aches for you but in my heart I know you have the strength to get through this...and I never want you to settle for anything less than the very best. You are worth that and more...never give up this inspire so many and your courage amazes me. You could be drowning in sorrow and gaining weight and making excuses but I see you facing fears, being honest and making plans for a healthy future. I am honored to be a part of your journey. Never give up.

  9. This is what I love about your are honest and you just put it all out there. No excuses...I do feel for you and what you are going through (been there, done that...unfortunately!). Sounds like you are doing what you have to do...just remember to keep yourself as a priority!!! You are so worth it!!!

  10. I love you!! I have posted about marital issues before and most people just say "Get a divorce". Now we are in a good place but it comes and goes. Hugs!

  11. I'm sorry to hear about your marriage.

  12. Gosh...I'm not going to read the other comments but go with my heart/gut. I suspected you've been at this point for quite awhile, though you've not come right out and said it before. I so know the feelings, honestly. In fact, I rather feel in the same spot myself. And I can't find a job, despite having a degree. I actually got a rejection letter yesterday.

    Anyway, my friend, I hope you will take the time to stop and reflect a bit, even taking out emotions for a bit. Can you remember what you loved initially? Can you find the good things he does now? (I am still awed that he is willing to get out there and walk with you. He also thinks of you when he brings home a treat you might like, and I don't think his intent is to sabotage but to please.

    Life's stresses (financial especially) can bring on the sniping and snapping. At least they can for me. Can't tell you what to do, don't know what you've done. But to sit that man down and let him know how you are feeling is imperative. Truly. If he is unwilling to listen, to hear, to see, then of course, you will do what you have to do to save yourself. Still, marriages are always hard work and it indeed takes too. If one checks out, there is no coming back, I guess. Michael keeps telling me that he wants to work on things, to get things back, to try. Me? I'm stuck because of the job thing. At the same time, I do still find that I love the man, despite the fact that he drives me out of my ever lovin' gourd.

  13. Erika, I have been away and am just catching up my reading.

    I am sorry your marriage is in the place it is. It sounds as if you have just grown apart and that is not uncommon. I do admire you for hanging on for your son.

    I could write an essay on this, but you are level-headed and patient and don't need my words. Just know that your readers are here for you and want you to do what is good for Erika, especially to take care of yourself.

  14. *hugs* <---that's all I got. :)


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